Teenage daughter with AS: fixed ideas and social phobia

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Dear forum members!

I have a 13-year old daughter with Aspergers and I badly need your advice. I apologize for my bad English, it is not my mother tongue.

Ever since she entered puberty (about 1 year and a half ago) she has severe problems with self-confidence and anxiety, sometimes even paranoia and social phobia. She has a fixed idea that people don't like and exclude her, if she's not wearing the same or very similar clothes as they are. Her greatest worries are about her female school friends, she obsesses all the time about what will they wear and also all details about hair style, necklaces, bags, etc. Last year on the first day of school she ran home from school, because she was the only one with short pants, changed her clothes and was of course then late in class. This year on the first day of school she asked me to go spy on her school friends in front of the school building to see what they are wearing and phone her about it so that she will know what to wear. At first I of course refused this bizarre idea, however, later I agreed to do it, because last year the greatest stress was indeed on the first day of school and because she promised to go normally to school next day. Unfortunately, she broke her promise: in the evening she started to beg me to go again the next day. This time I was convinced that I should not comply her wish, because otherwise she could take me for granted and expect the same any and every day. I would also give her a message that she can get anything by blackmailing me. So I didn't give in in spite of her shrieking, slamming doors, threats with suicide, etc. I tried to explain to her that overcoming fear is a part of becoming independent, which is at the moment one of her priorities. Unfortunately, I was not successful. Though she sincerely wants to go to school very much, her fear was too huge and she stayed at home in her wardrobe, her usual safe spot. Her argumentation is very irrational. At the moment she wants her mother to go to school (which started hours ago) and spy on her school friends or else she won't go to school Monday, because she will not know what to wear (although according to forecasts it'll be significantly colder and everybody will wear completely different clothes). On the one hand we are afraid she won't go to school at all and on the other hand, giving in to her blackmail doesn't seem like a wise idea. Not to mention how utterly bizarre is such spying in front of school and of course not always doable.

What would you advise, is her fear simply too much for her and must we help her or should we persist and risk her staying at home again on Monday? What is a good, solid non-permissive education when somebody has huge troubles with anxiety and fixed ideas, sometimes even paranoia and social phobia?

Thank you all very much for your answers and sharing your experiences! Have a very nice day!

So sorry you're experiencing these difficulties. Fortunately in my country most of the schools have a uniform. Any chance of changing to such a school?

Unfortunately no schools in our country have uniforms. Thank you for your answer!

That story reminded me of my schizophrenic aunt at that age. She also wanted to wear the exact same clothes as her friends so she would call her mother to come get her so she would change. Then after while my grandmother quit doing it. She thinks her "friends" were just teasing her about what they would be wearing and would wear something else instead. After all my mom said she started having problems around that age. But my aunt turned out to be a schizophrenic in her early twenties. I am not sure how long it's been going on for but I find it naive when my mom thinks it just appeared all of a sudden after her kids were born because a diagnoses doesn't mean she all of a sudden had it. It was all gradual and then soon she was hearing voices and seeing things when she was put on drugs by her husband to keep her calm because she was crying all the time due to postpartum depression and PTSD after the birth of their first child. But that didn't stop after she quit taking them.

But the spying part, clever. I don't think my aunt ever thought of that for her mother to do.

Have you tried seeking therapy for her to help with her anxiety?

A difficult call to make, especially as a good parent.

There is some basis to Daughter's fear. The NT daughter of a very close friend experienced Bullying from her peers because she liked to dress a bit differently and think a bit differently to the other girls.

The bullying was her being excluded from things other children were doing, snubs and not being invited to things, ignored, anf it made the last few year's at that school quite miserable. She deserves a medal for sticking it out until she had done the exams everyone does at 16 in the UK called GCSEs.

Aspergers is going to make this feel even worse for you daughter. A lot of us with aspergers or suspected aspergers feel that we are somehow different to others and it is a struggle to become part of the in crowd or have friends, and people who are bullies like to pick on people who are not part of a group.

I am beginning to appreciate my own good fortune of both being male where as a whole, we don't really care about fashion, and going to a school which had a clear uniform policy

To the Aspie mind it is a logical solution, and in the wider picture it is a demanding and impractical one. We don't cope well with unknowns, we may have discovered from experience that if we wear the same as everyone else we get fewer problems, we get included in conversation,maybe even more importantly, we don't get spotted as someone with out friends who is an easy target to bully because we don't have friends who would protect us.

That experience of the first day of school, being the ONLY one in short pants would mortify an NT, and for an Aspie it is far worse. We do hang onto memories like that. First memories stick, not only with your daughter, but her school peers will also remember her as the only Little girl in shorts on the first day of Big School.

It occurs to me that one way forward is to find ways for daughter to have some fashion successes at school. We Aspies often don't do fashion intuitively so we will often look for a small selection of outfits we know will work in particular situations.

We often also work from specifics to general. The normal world starts with General and then chooses specifics.

A useful point to aim for is Daughter having a small selection of outfits she Knows are ones which fit in. Again we Aspies don't do choice well when we have lots to choose from. So any trips to school in advance would be made on the basis of researching that selection of clothing, to teach the point where Daughter is confident that an outfit from that selection will fit in well enough that she will not feel at risk. Remember that what she felt arriving at big school and being the only girl in short pants may have been total humiliation. Memories like that are hard to replace with good ones. I suspect many unkind children will have reminded her of that day many times.

It is a hard situation for you. It can almost feel like a power struggle. I noticed that you wrote that you felt blackmailed in the situation. From daughters side it probably feels equally hard and feels like a fight to survive. So many female Aspies speak of secondary school being hell. Not fitting in, bullying, being picked on for liking different clothes, music etc. Others speak of bring able to fit in but the effort in consciously copying, working out scripts to use etc left them exhausted. Another close friend, herself autistic in the Aspergers way recounts being bullied throughout her school career.

Your English is easy to read, and it's normal for girls to be worried about clothes.