First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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Half-kidding: Have you tried men?

I'm mostly NT (okay, bipolar) and I'm responding to a couple comments about how an NT reacts to having a romantic relationship with an ASD person who has alyexthemia.
I find Aspies utterly charming in their inimitable charm-free manner. I'm an Aspie fan! A wannabe. LoL.

The thing I love about Aspies is that they are genuine. American society is full of people putting on facades, and I hate that. If someone doesn't like me, I'd rather they be rude to my face than give me a fake smile. I don't even like having wait staff at restaurants give me fake smiles. I've spent too many years pasting a fake smile on my face, just to maintain the appearance of happiness.

Aspies, by and large, don't give fake smiles. Which makes their genuine smiles all the more precious!

Aspies are not so good at hiding their emotions in general, and that is refreshing. I want to see the sadness, hurt, joy, boredom, frustration, whatever feeling is there, under the surface. Your emotions are easy to read because you're lacking in artiface.
I might even be aware of your emotions before you can put a name to what you are feeling. That's okay. I don't mind helping you identify your feelings, verbalize your feelings. Or give you space if you want to sort it out for yourself. I feel the need to protect you, though, from others who might take advantage of your openness.

I heard a theory many years ago that men tend to develop alyexthemia more often because male infants are less mature, less physically stable, than female infants. Therefore, the baby boys were easier to "read" and the mothers were better able to anticipate their needs and respond to the babies' needs without the baby having to express those needs. So, you can blame your extraordinarily sensitive mother for the development of your alyexthemia. LoL.

Ugh, alexithymia in my face again, with the "not missing people" thing. Because I just moved house again. At my last address there was a woman I went out platonically with often - coffee, dinner, had good talks with and so on. I was not adverse to interacting with her, as I regarded her well as a person and she could be interesting.
But I haven't heard from her since the move - and I don't feel anything whatsoever about that. It was fine when she was there, it's fine when she's not there. It'd be fine if she was there again, and so on.
I had a very frank discussion about this with new therapist, who is unusually understanding of autism and autistic alexithymia. First person in a decade who told me not to fake anything with her. I described it as a complete absence of affection or attachment.
But it is also a complete absence of hate, the desire to hurt others, holding onto grudges or hurt feelings, etc. Doesn't happen. It is just a continuity of equilibrium that dips into the decision to interact or not interact dependent on behaviour and circumstances.
I'm perfectly capable of valuing others intellectually, respecting them, and seeing the gain in associating, either for them or me or both. A relationship of sorts could exist in these parameters. It just may be very difficult for a neurotypical person to accept, being so radically different from their own framework.
As I pointed out to said therapist, without an instinctual emotional guide, my sense of ethical structure is more highly developed than most. I've had to think this through. But that said, I am unfortunately not Mr. Spock. I have the capacity for emotional response (I checked this neurophysically, neurochemically and cognitively as part of my own investigation) and am capable of it. It's just that if I am acting emotionally, I won't understand or be able to process what is going on, which makes it overwhelming, difficult and confusing for me. Emotions exist in the chemical sense. I'm just cut of from them.
Alexithymia is as much of a riddle as autism is. I don't know what I think of it all right now. But sometimes I see it as inadequate, like I'm not a real person without an emotional nature, and I wish someone would come along and make me feel something for them.
Also may be of interest - I concluded that part of this may be autistic alexithymia and a result of base divergent neurology, but part of it may be a result of past negative conditioned behaviour, just like anyone else. The therapist agreed in her experience with those on the spectrum, it may be impossible to "wake up" the emotional functions. But reversing past conditioning and old programming that may be adding to emotional repression is much more pliable. It won't make an alexithymic "normal," but it may help them process their own emotional impulses and respond more effectively to others' emotional natures. That's what I'm shooting for.
I for one would like to have relationships with others - but me and everyone else involved is going to have to be accepting from the start that this will be atypical. And not expect it to be "normal" at all. Maintaining proper expectations from an alexithymic autistic and not expecting them to be empathetic may make the relationship much more beneficial for everyone.

Dear Aspie Members

Please give details on how an NT partner can approach an aspie to speak with them about emotions and emotional needs without overwhelming the aspie partner and causing them to shutdown and or stonewalling their NT partners?

Work out a mutually suitable time when you are both rested and no distractions.
Decide on the one single issue to be discussed in advance - only one
Agree to listen to each other without judgment, interruption nor dispute
Flip a coin to see who goes first
Each person has two completely uninterrupted minutes of the other's listening attention

Don't do this if mutual trust doesn't exist between you.
Don't use the accusational "you always.." or "you never"
Don't use the two minutes to fire questions at your partner
Respect whatever the other person says, even if it isn't what you wanted to hear
Find something to appreciate about the other person and express it sincerely
Identify one small change you are willing to make for the other person
Identify one small change you want to receive from the other person
Agree on when to revisit progress and do this listening gig again

Appreciation, Approval, Attention, Affection and Acceptance = the 5A's that expand people in relationships

Thank you B19. I appreciate you outlining several important points to remember when speaking with my aspie partner. It is a lot to keep in mind, and its even harder to uphold those rules, and put them into practice when you're in the middle of an emotionally charged conversation.

Walking on eggshells every time a relationship issue arises is very taxing and stressful. But often as the NT partner, I feel as though I am responsible for protecting my partner's feelings; and in doing so I am unable to be upfront with him regarding what I need emotionally. A part of me is fearful he will not understand these emotional needs of mine.

You sound frustrated. I hope this works out for you. And I think it is even simpler than what B19 wrote.

Look through your partner's eyes, see how he or she loves and appreciates you, and meditate on what you appreciate and how you are appreciated a moment. Take a breath, and when you are ready, in a calm moment, suggest a step your partner can take that would bring you more peace and happiness.

It is easy to mistake seeming oblivious for being oblivious. Your partner may sense your unhappiness and not know how to help. Try to tell yourself this story, not the story where you do all the work and your partner is less than. We all can look down sometimes on someone for not understanding something we do, and that's natural since what we know seems obvious once we know it. Your partner likely does not know how to make you happy just as you do not know how to make things better.

Beliefs are powerful in determining our responses, and it's important your partner senses that love and respect, trust and vulnerability lie behind your words when you speak to him or her about the topic you would like to adddress. Too often people try to change each other by talking about what should be. I like to do things for others as a gift, given out of love or affection or because I am persuaded it is logical. I think most people would prefer this to hearing what they are failing to do.

Hi Waterfalls. I missed you.

That was really lovely, what you wrote.

Waterfalls!! !! !! Welcome back

Different strokes for different folks I think: some AS people will prefer a predictable structure to these sensitive discussions, and some a more fluid process of connection.

You are both very kind

Right, now I'm crying too. Though I feel a bit of a voyeur (sorry!).
You guys are really wonderful. If only there was such sincerity and true deep feeling more often.

Yes, if you are an interesting person, and many ASD people are interesting for me, why not? But for a romantic relationship not, less because you would not miss me, more because I want to be understood and supported well in what I care for; this makes things easier. That does not mean that such a "loose" friendship, even if we dont see each other very often, could not be quite intense, once we spend time together.

Hey, all. I'm an NT married to a software guy who I'm pretty sure is an aspie - I've done a lot of reading and it seems like a pretty good fit. We're good people, yet we have a lot of conflict over the types of things that I hear NTs and aspies have conflict over - touch, affection, emotional connection, picking up on social signals, etc. I've broached the idea of AS to him and he's pretty dismissive but said he'd read something if I send him a link. Does anyone have recommendations? An article or blog would be great. Are the online quizzes useful at all?

Thanks in advance!
Juniper736

It's always confusing to see these requests and not know which underlying theme applies:

"I am NT and my partner isn't so he/she should change to suit me"
"I am NT and want to change to accommodate my partner"
"We both need help and would appreciate help working it out together"
"How can I help our relationship"
"How can I teach him to fill my needs"

In the past from time to time, we have had new NT members come here with expectations aligned with theme number one and five. On a neurodiverse site, they have been inflammatory and hurtful. The other themes are generally received with willingness to assist. Some threads seem to change direction though, to an AS beat up, though hopefully this will be one of the goodies.

Autistic here.


Re: partner that seems to fit aspieness.

I think that him getting\accepting that diagnosis or any other is secondary to whatever goodness and issues are in the relationship.

That you are aware that you have similar problems to nt-aspie couples is a good thing. Will you love him even if he does not wish to know things about being an aspie or a suspected aspie? Or anywhere else on the spectrum?

Any true partnership is mutual.

You don't have to answer this here because I am a random stranger on the interwebz... What specific problems are you two having financially? socially? physically (health, medical)? intellectually (philosophical outlooks on life and how to address problems? Do your styles match?) emotionally? sexually?

Why is it so important to you (if I am reading this correctly) that partner accept an nt\as framework to identify and solve problems?

Perhaps there are other frameworks that both of you can agree to use?

Or, what problem are you having in the relationship that we can talk about from our as points of view?

Again, I may be reading this wrongly.

Sheila Nye rhymes with Nellie Bly!