Ever been told to be more social?

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Well last Thanksgiving at my sister's house I stayed on the front porch rocker playing Chrono Trigger on DS LOL! I mention doing the same this year with a different game and my sister said I could be more social come in sit on the couch etc. I said oh and dropped the topic IMO I don't CARE to be around all those relatives and I don't want to get in the way of the cooking or other people (my brother-law's side of the family are kind of tall) and I also truthfully like my privacy I don't mind small get togethers with the family (I tend to just keep to myself at those events too LOL!) I also can't relate to anyone so there's no "chatting"/special interest etc. So it's me my DS and a game on the front porch this year YA! (Hopefully Scribblenauts last me through Thanksgiving LOL!)

I'bve been told I need to be more social before. I give them some BS that passes for social interaction. This hasn't happened in a long time because my parents didn't blame me for not wanting to be involved in certain family functions.

I can totally relate. I'm a lot older so in less tolerant times I was never encouraged to be more social but criticized and berated for not being social. My mother's sister once suggested that I not attend a certain "family" function; to which my mother heartily agreed. So, it's somewhat nice that someone would want to include you at least. With that DS game thing and the porch you have it sounds like a workable plan.

Oh, all my life to date!!

Not so much a happy "come join in and have fun with us" sort of request , but a command, a demand or else!! At play , At work- where it was called 'networking' now its call team player. But the game is dirty if the others stand you out as 'Not being Social' ....!

It's a crap excuse statement for punishing someone for not behaving how they want. So crazy, why should 2 people want to parrot on when they got brains to display variety, creativity, volumes of different ways of getting through any tough times.

I guess..... it must be a political plot to keep everyone subjugated and kneeled into obedience.
Or mabye , it's a dinosaur-like quality of servitude people like to see others exhibit. IDKnow why people have that need to 'be social'.....by G- it's almost tautalogy, in that just being in a group/near a group is being social /your presence is an aknowledgement of your social - ness. Clearly, for many , just being among themselves isn't enough. Makes me think, They don't see themselves as 'enough' to just be there/somewhere/ with others!???!

Anyone seen Peter Sellars (a British actor of the 50,60's and a member of the GOONS circa late 40's to 60's with zillions of replays ALL on RADIO - Comedy Show) anyway- in the movie BEING THERE ~70's with Shirley McLaine - he plays a non verbal character who is at these social gatherings- his presence is responded to by other characters who essentially are talking to themselves and consequently everyone loves the PS character cause HE never says anything - he just doesn't figure as a contributor to social world in any other way than listening and just being there.
But in todays world of be seen and provide outcomes that make someone else feel better PS wouldn't survive.

The tragedy of 'being social' in the "You have to do it this way/ be this way/appear this way/ and always conditional ( or, i wont play with u; I'll tell on u; or I wont employ you, and I 'll tell on you" is that it is the core essence of bullying BUT most people would not ever be aware enough to recognise this.

Shame that ignorance is welcomed (seemingly) because of all those lesser motives that seem more
so important: these people could be "useful' to my bottom line/somehow/somewhere/sometime".

Voila! My rant for the day.
Thank you for reading/listening

I grew up in a VERY non-social family. Three of my grandparents didn't even have funerals, because that's too social.

So, for me, there was no family pressure to be social. One year we had a neighbor who liked to come and visit unannounced each day. My mom would roll her eyes, like, "Oh my god, here comes Charlene again." That was a social as it got.

But when I joined became an "adult" suddenly I was around people who acted like you were some kind of freak if you weren't out "partying" at every moment that you weren't working. I'm still not even entirely sure what "partying" is supposed to be, or what part of it I'm supposed to desire or enjoy.

Nowadays, my social life is me and my husband watching Firefly episodes on DVD, and sometimes letting the kids watch. Every couple of months my mom comes to visit for a few hours. That's social enough, right?

I can relate to this.
With me I've always hated going to other peoples houses if it meant I couldnt leave on my own accord or if it was a ''family get together'' which I always found boring and a waste of time
So therefore I would exclude myself and sit in the corner or I'd sit there looking very miserable and constantly looking at my watch.
People would always be telling me to ''join in'' and ''have fun'' which would make me even more determind to leave.

Oh yeah. I am usually on my computer 'hiding in my room' when company's over. Mainly because I find being on the computer more fun.

so, you guys just have to go set your feet under the table at these family shindigs? How lucky is that? Everyone had to set the table or clear up and wash/dry, etc if we didn't make the mashed potatoes or salad or curl up the crescent rolls or cut up the carrots and celery and open the cans of black olives for the relish tray at my family gatherings. Only the grandfolks got a pass on that.

Every day.

Well, not anymore, considering I have moved away from home now. But my mother was very concerned by my predilection for solitude.

I've definitely told that, especially by my parents.

Yes.
All my life.

I was told "You should mix more."
But know one ever told me how I should go about it.

I think that I have mixed and interacted socially, just not in the way that people were expecting me to.

Good point.


I'm a bit like this.
But I did contribute back and respond to people.
Maybe some would consider this "passive" because I usually didn't actively initiate a conversation or approach people to say hello. They usually always approached me first.

They were grateful for this because they said that I could spot details, issues and problems that they couldn't. I also frequently played the role of peacemaker by responding to what others said or offering practical advice.

I've read lots of books on social skills, but I've noticed that they seem to just concentrate on chatty and causal interactions in a small group/clique or one to one.
"Micro-scale" social processing?

I've noticed that skills such as the ability to read the whole social atmosphere of a room or read how a group of people feel, have been omitted from these books.


I believe that there is a niche for a person to observe quietly; deeply analyse messages/culture and emotions of the whole group and then report back with insights.

Is this a kind of "macro-scale" social processing?

Yet, this useful skill (and I believe that it is an important social skill) seems to have been either forgotten or is underrated.

The funny thing is my folks and friends used to tell me that...

My mom was a nutjob who should've been institutionalized, and if any friendships would've survived, she'd have driven them all away.

My dad's a spineless hermit-like shut in. He's attending some adult discussion groups now, but there's just that..aura...with him....

My friends are mostly social outcasts who seem to think they're all the rage with the crowd...you know the type. Those of them that don't...well they basically watch TV Land and anime in their moms' basements.

My now former best friend is in fact a rage with the crowd...though deep down he's extremely insecure with himself.

My dad's side of the family is a bunch of condescending pricks who think they're better than everybody else; they have a "stepford wives" feel to them, and they're also incredibly rude.

My mom's side is much more down to earth and far more accepting of me as well....wasn't entirely the case in the past though.

My grandma became more accepting of me shortly after my mom died; she and I had somewhat of a cold war-style "stare down", and I won...she'd already lost her husband and her daughter( my mom) so I guess she realized I was all she had left.

My Uncles are great guys, and one of them is even helping me with my business; he's so awesome. I even tried letting him in about my Autism...which wasn't a smart idea.

I realized if I couldn't tell him, I best not tell my grandma...

I get told to be more social a lot of times, but pretty much don't care what other people think.

My mum said it when I was younger and long before any of us knew about the excistence of AS
Once I joined a choir and followed them on a tour for a weekend. I really didnt wanted to go, but did it to "please my mother and say I had done something social with people"
but I didnt enjoy it and was so happy to return home... I never want to do something like that again ever!

Today she of course understand and respect my needs to stay away from social life in such a way

I was being told that and such similar things all the time when I was still in school. Typically by some authority figure (teachers, principal, ect) or another.

They never seemed to get that:
1) There were not many people I wanted to interact with.
2) Not many people wanted to interact with me, unless bullying counts.

i have not been told to be more social because people sense that i have no social element in me.
they sometimes think i dislike them because i am not interested in them.
i do not "dislike" anyone i can think of.
i just am not interested in many people's stories.

if someone starts to tell me their story, i can not follow because i am so uninterested, and my other thoughts (no matter how trivial they are) drown out what i am supposed to be paying attention to.

people i already know seem to sense this in me and they do not bother to try to attract my social presence much.

the last time i was goaded into attending a "social function" was when my nephew died, and my sisters wanted me to go to the funeral and "share my grief" in unison with them.

i said i was going to be busy that day to the sister who rang me and asked when i would be there (his mother) and she got angry so i agreed to go to his funeral.

when i got to the funeral place, there were all my relatives (except dad who is old and did not like him anyway), and they all saw me and waved as i drove in to the parking area.
i did not open the door of my car for ages after i parked.
i sat in my car until the people who were eager to see me turned their attention elsewhere.

they walked around the corner and were talking to each other again and i got out and wandered down the footpath toward the funeral location.

while i walked, i saw some brick fences (with brass squares set in them) in the grounds down the hill, and they looked like letterboxes for lots of blocks of units (apartments).

i then looked behind them and saw no unit blocks, and i wondered whether there was a failed residential development attempt on that land.

i thought "the developers must have been stupid, because they were so cock sure about their chances of successfully finishing this development, that they built the letterboxes first!!"
i thought "how ironic!" and i was filled with potential laughter and i started to smirk.

then my brother in law came up to me and said in a reverend way "yeah...g'day matey...how's it goin'", and he was in a sad condition and he expected to see the same or similar sadness on my face.
but i was smirking about the letterbox fiasco still, and i could not force my facial expression to be acceptable to his requirement.

he asked "what the hell do you find funny" after a short period, and i explained the letterbox problem, and he said that they are actually cremation urn receptacles that are built into those brick walls. he was annoyed as my nephew was due to be cremated shortly.

when i got to the entry door of the chapel structure, lots of my relatives were standing around.
they had already exhausted their conversations about "surprise" and "grief" and "loss" with everyone else who was there (i was about 40 mins late(i wished i missed the whole thing))

everyone wanted to hug me, and i disappeared to the toilet after being hugged by only one person.

after a while, when i knew the service was happening, i left the toilet and walked into the chapel and sat down.

many people noticed me enter the chapel late and they had disapproving looks on their faces (that is an expression i can discern easily).

i had to sit near the front because i was his uncle. he was about the same age as me and we never got on.

i noticed that the carpet laid in the chapel was an intricate pattern, and i was looking at it.
it was laid in about 8 rolls that were all designed to match up in pattern with each other (if laid correctly).
one of the rolls was back to front, and the pattern of the whole floor was ruined by 1 roll being laid the wrong way around.
i found it offensive at first, and then i started to find it amusing.
i imagined a throng of idiots laying the carpet, and the carpet is so expensive, and the church employed baboons to stitch it together.

that back-to-front strip in the carpet layout became an obsession, and i started to laugh about it in my mind.

it was not long before i was imagining "keystone cop" style episode's about the laying of the carpet and i started to snort because i could not suppress my thought laughter from erupting into physical laughter.

i got up and walked out and then went into a fit of laughter outside. part of the laughter fit was fueled by the thought that i was laughing at a funeral.

my family has not ever again invited me to anything.
what a relief.

i can not help how i behave, and i do not like to be forced into situations where my presence and response may cause damage to the likely hood of a positive outcome to their hopes of finding in me someone who cares similarly to them.

i am adopted anyway although i do not consider it very noteworthy.