Do aspies feel emotions

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Okay in the context of thinking of why I don't have a lot of luck with women, I have recently ran across a realization that attraction has never been a part of the equation. YES I AM STRAIGHT, but the point is that my whole emotional spectrum is very flat. I don't really enjoy eating, or any other "simple" things. My whole purpose of life was getting approval from others, and this definitely includes having girlfriend. Thus, it doesn't even matter how attractive she is. The only thing I care about is that she is willing to be "in a relationship" with me which is a sign of approval. Thus I had to work out LOGICALLY on how to "generate" signs of attraction which I didn't feel. So, in a sense, I was basically deceiving everyone by trying to pretend to feel something which I don't. At the same time, I was taking it for granted that it is a world-wide fact that the only reason for relationship is an approval, so I weren't even realizing I was basically trying to lie to everyone!

Of course the other factor is the fact taht I was obsessed about every single woman I was with. But this still can be traced to waht is discussed above. Trying to fake emotions is a streneous intellectual task. So, no wonder, from time to time I was failing at it. And the more I fail the more I became convinced that I have to obsess about it more and more. And, of course, my low self esteem (another depressive symptome) reinforced my obsession since the approval I was getting from women was basically a life-saver since being single absolutely causes me to feel that I am worthless. Of course, if I had some little things that were making me happy, they would of distracted me from this obsession. But the fact that I can't "smell roses" makes any and all of my obsessions basically a point of my life.

So this brings me to asking is having flat affect part of Asperger? I guess I kind of have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, I definitely had much more emotions up untill I was 18. Yes I was definitely attracted to some women and had several crushes some of which lasted for many month up. The irony is that I have been ignoring them which was combination of extreme shyness about it as well as an idea that physics is all that matters and everything else is a "waste of time". On the other hand, right now that I don't really feel attracted to women, all of a sudden I WANT a girlfriend just in order to get an approval.

So could it be that I am suffering mild depressive symptoms that my life is dominated by "gray" feelings (i.e. mostly lack of them) as well as negativity (thoughts of rejection). Because a lot of other htinsg became that way too. I lost interest in school, and also eating became an exercise, and my days are dominated by an idea that I have to "escape" to another dimension. But on the other hand, I am not really sure whether it is serious enough to be called "depression" because I never had suicidal thoughts or anything of that nature.

So could it be part of Asperger DESPITE the fact that it started when I was over 18? Yes, Asperger is what I get from birth. BUT could it be that up UNTILL I was 18 there were other things that "made up" for Asperger? For example, even though I was programmed not to care about food, still the fact that I USED to be a growing boy made me care? And likewise could it be that despite the fact that I was programmed not to feel any strong attraction to women, the fact that I was a teen MADE me feel one?

But on the toher hand, it is interesting that I can spot a particular event when my whole life became kind of gray. Namely, when I got two D-s back in Spring 1999, when I was 19. Starting from that point I got into a "different dimension" so to speak in a sense that everything both good and bad were in "different colors" (much more gray than before) and I never came back. I remember LONGING to come back to the "other side" of two D-s (and still do) not because of the D-s but because of that "other dimension".

BUt then again, since I was 19, that other dimension could be accounted by my stopping to grow. Once the growth stops, aging begins. So I dunno, is the whole business part of Asperger, or stopping to grow, or depressive symptoms or all of the above? Do anyone else identify with the fact that you LACK any kind of emotions OTHER THAN wanting to please others? Going back to the original topic of the post, do you guys seek relationship because you actually feel attracted to the members of opposite sex, or do you simply try to pretend to be having feelings that you don't, just for the sake of self-validation?

Or another thought: could lack of emotions basically be a ROOT of Asperger? Because looking back to what I felt up UNTIL I was 18, I realize that if I were to approach back then any of the women I did feel attracted to, then I would of actually done a lot of the things which right now I am being accused of NOT doing And, of course, failing to do them always gets blamed on Asperger since it is linked to lack of social skills (but then again, how do I know I would of done untill I was 18 given that back then I was totally consumed with school and nothing else). So, if true, could the same be extrapolated on otehr areas of life? Could it be that for example aspies don't do other socially appropriate things simply because they don't care about anyone other than themselves? Lets take my ability to hold conversation. I would hold it just fine if it happends to relate to my topic of obsession. But since in most of the cases it doesn't, thats why I can't hold conversation with anyone.

And by the way speaking of obsessive topics, this again reinforces my idea. If aspies have restricted interests, then NO WONDER they feel gray most of the time. After all normal people always get recharged through different little things that "make them happy" but since aspies have restricted interests there is NOTHING that would make aspi happy other than X, Y, and Z. So this would be a pretty sad place to be.

So, in light of this, does asperger relate to mild depression? I know that aspies feel depressed due to social failures. But even apart from any and all social problems, shouldnt' aspies also be depressed due to the fact that they are only interested in so few things and nothing else? And also could the problem that aspies have with social skills be dirrectly related to that other kind of depression? And of course can it be really called depression since it doesn't cause suicide or anyting like that? Any input would be helpful.

Last edited by Roman on 08 Oct 2006, 10:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yes depression is a comorbid condition but depression doesnt always lead to suicidal thoughts. Typically suicidal tendencies manifest in response to depression caused by emotional trauma while depression in aspies is most often the result of chemical inbalances. Thats not to say the hell we go through cant cause depression and incite us to respond with intentional self-termination only that its apparently uncommon for us to react in such an irrational manner.

But as for seeking approval.. thats all well and good but once you have it, what then?

Your approach is wrong and probably why your not having much luck. Unless your seeking a relationship because you want to share your hopes, dreams and journey through life with someone its never going to work out.

If your lacking hopes and dreams to share your not ready for a relationship and need to work on yourself first before trying to draw others in.

Some NTs do seek a relationship simply for approval its true but mimicing their mistake doesnt accomplish anything.

You need the poll optional:

completely confused what this poll is asking

Yes I agree with you completely. Thats why I was making this post on the first place.

But then again, what should I do to get the hopes/dreams? Right now I am actually in a phase where I feel better and better, mainly due to FINALLY finding a ph.d. topic I actually feel excited about. But still how would it help me unless I date a physics major?



It is funny you say it is NT tendency, because from what I wrote in this post it seems like an aspie tendency. I guess if I summarize what I wrote in original post, aspies should have restricted interests, which thus limit any kind of hopes/dreams and ultimately cause their lack of social skills. Then, lack of social skills will cause them to be "starving" of approval that others are getting while they don't, and this kind of starving will naturally lead them to seek approval harder and harder, which of course would be coupled with their tendency of getting obsessed on the first place.

So from above paragraph, seeking of approval should be aspi tendency. On the other hand, of course, I do hear what you are going to say that the whole approval business is linked to social awareness so from this point of view NT-s should be more likely to do it. So the interesting question is how does it all sum up at the end of the day? Statistically, who is more likely to seek approval: aspies or NT-s?

It is asking which of the listed items can be best described as a CAUSE of the simptoms described in original post.

Romantic love is what is promoted to people in the media and in books. What exactly is wrong with someone who wants a relationship and is not particularly picky about what "type" of woman as long as it is a woman who equally shares that desire. If people know what their goal is - relationship, family - than it is only modern society that considers that odd.

So the issue is not necessarily a lack of emotion - it is seeking approval from others and I would consider that insecurity. You need to figure out if YOU really want a relationship (and it doesn't have to be all that Hallmark hoopla). Otherwise if you only think you need to have a relationship to make you acceptable or that it is something that you are supposed to do than you will be disingenuous to the other person. Take some time and figure it out for yourself and don't try and force the issue. Few women (or men) would want to think that they were only being used as a prop - but if you were not all that into the romance aspect of it you can still respect your partner and propably find a logically minded woman to settle down with on acceptable terms.

Holy cow!

Your situation seems really complicated, so I'm not even going to pretend to think that I know totally what you're going through, or how you're feeling. However, there's a part of it that I've seen before, so I thought I might share some of my observations with you.

For me personally, I HAVE acted in some ways because it was "socially acceptable." Like many others with AS have done, I have pretended to care when NTs tell me about their new baby acting like a baby, or about some random car they saw 8 days ago when it was raining. I flat out lied and smiled when I was supposed to, although I was certainly not happy and probably started thinking about whether the person has an ingrown toenail. However, I have never felt the need to be in a relationship in the hope of satisfying some kind of "hey look at me, I'm normal" desire. I've never had that desire, and I wonder why you feel the need to have a girlfriend, when you don't actually feel attracted to her.

(heaven forbid that my friend actually reads this and recognizes himself in this story I'm about to tell...) I had a friend whom I met on the internet; we played an online video game. He has diagnosed AS, whereas my AS is undiagnosed. For some reason, he spent a good year and a half, scouring the online game, looking for an online "girlfriend." He was utterly consumed by this desire. Eventually, he found a girl and they began to hang out together ingame, and she became his ingame girlfriend. At first, I thought, "oh, he's lonely and wants a girlfriend." But later I found out that in reality, he wanted a girlfriend in order to appear normal. I had seen on one of the video game online forums where he made a post. It was an application to a special group in the game, and as part of the application, he indicated that he had an ingame girlfriend. By the way that he said it, it really sounded like he thought of the application as a popularity contest ("oh by the way, did I mention that I have a girlfriend ingame?"), as though it was the "in" thing to do. I later found out that she was married in real life, with a child, and she's 29. He was 17 at the time, and when he found out that he could not have her in real life, he cried and got depressed.

Unfortunately, my friend still does not accept the reason why he focused so intensely on having a girlfriend. He wanted to appear normal, to look like what he thought was socially acceptable. He told me that he wanted so bad to be normal, and part of being normal was to have a girlfriend, and then wife and have kids. I told him that he would be better off accepting his AS and himself as he is, but he wouldn't listen to any of it. I even suggested to him that he might be gay or bisexual, and he definitely did not take that well at all... why? Because he felt that it was bad to be gay or bisexual, since he was teased about it when he was younger. He said that it was ok for other people to be LGBT but not ok for him to be it. That was a clue to me that this was a big issue to him. Of course there were other hints as well. It's a serious shame that he does not accept his AS. He's a great guy but his refusal to accept himself is going to be destructive in the end.

Anyway, enough of the story. I thought of the story because of what you said, about getting approval of your life from the people that be. Being an outcast and seeking approval for your actions are very common among us Aspies, as you probably know. But I tend to think that there is an element of depression or disapproval on your part of your own behavior, since you don't accept a part of yourself. Case in point, you said that you "don't really feel attracted to women, all of a sudden [you] WANT a girlfriend just in order to get an approval." This might or might not be age-related; perhaps your desire for a girlfriend comes from observing people your own age having girlfriends, so you perceive social pressure (either from yourself or from other people, or both) to emulate that behavior.

Do Aspies have emotions? Yeah, we certainly do! I can speak only for myself, and I personally become happy when people get excited over things that interest me. I am happy when people enjoy being with me. On the other hand, I can be very sad or angry for the opposite reasons. Love and personal attraction, however, are very difficult emotions for me. It's not that I do not love anybody, or I am not attracted to anybody. It's more like it's difficult for me to feel those things without thinking that there is some other motive (perhaps ulterior) behind that love or attraction. For example, I could be attracted to somebody but I don't know if it's because I simply don't want to be alone, or maybe I think I could control that person. I don't know.

Yeah, Aspies are born to stick with their interests. That doesn't mean that if we enjoy X, Y, and Z as children or teenagers, that as adults we will only like X, Y, and Z. The way I think of it, if children with AS are exposed to many different things early on (even though they don't really like such exposure), then those children will hopefully not be so prejudiced or afraid to explore other things when they grow up. Do you know what I mean? There will be an element of familiarity in the potential new interest, and therefore the activity will not be so foreign. This statement is not meant to be judgmental against people who want to stick to X, Y, and Z; however my point of view is that things and concepts and people do not exist in a vacuum, sure there are X, Y, and Z, but there are 23 other letters in the alphabet, plus other letters like ø and ñ, and there is such a thing as words too. In reference to your question, yeah there are some Aspies who get depressed about their level of social skills and their narrow interests. My friend in the story is an example of that. But there are other Aspies who are accepting of themselves and who don't compare themselves to the social norm so much, and they're probably a lot happier. So it's not like we're doomed to have mild depression, simply because we have AS. Depression does not come from having AS. It comes from how we as individuals respond to the issue of self versus society.

I think some of the aspies on here have an obsession with polls and will create polls that are meaning less and pointless.

I don't see how any of those choices affect any emotions I have.

Tim

You don't know that! And even if this happened to be true, this particular poll is for a reason.

Real Man' Stereotypes Keep Depressed Men From Treatment

http://www.livescience.com/healthday/535320.html

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as for aspies? we are all human.
it all depends on how others treat us and how we view our world.

OK, so here's what I think:

1. Yes, you're depressed. That lack of energy, lack of interest in eating, lack of interest in what you used to enjoy? Classic symptoms of depression. It's not severe depression--you've noted you don't have suicidal thoughts, which is good--but it's very likely depression. It's common among Aspies, both for environmental and biological reasons... really, it's just plain common in general; lots of people get depressed, NT and AS alike. Go to your family doctor, tell him you think you might have depression, describe your symptoms. If you want more info before you take action, Google it--plenty of info out there--or go to your library, which will have books on it.

2. You're trying too hard to be "normal". AS is both a blessing and a curse--and you're focusing way too much on the "curse" part of it. Getting people's approval is a normal desire; but you aren't doing yourself a bit of good by making that an actual goal in your life. Be yourself, not who you think others want you to be, and you will be happier.

3. You no longer really want a girlfriend--so don't try to get one. You're growing up; the intense desire to mate is going away. Do both yourself and those females a favor: Don't try to have a romantic relationship until you know you want one. Be friends with them instead--just get to know them. Notice I said "them"--more than one.

4. Consider also the possibility that you may simply have a low sex drive; I used to wonder about why I don't want a relationship myself, until I figured out that it was possible to be asexual and both psychologically and biologically normal. This could be true for you; or it could be temporarily true because of the depression you've been working through. In any case, don't pretend to be what you're not; if you're asexual, you'll be happier with friendships instead of romance, or romantic relationships without a physical component.

5. You know the weirdest thing about people's approval? People are more likely to approve of you if they know you approve of yourself! When it's obvious that you accept yourself for who you are, faults and all, you no longer look vulnerable. And there are two benefits to that: There are some people who are never going to approve of you, just because they're prejudiced; and if you approve of yourself first, their opinions will matter much less.

6. Yes, Aspies have emotions. Sometimes they are stronger than NT emotions; and we can have a hard time handling them. That's why you often see Aspie children dealing with intense temper tantrums--they don't yet know how to handle emotions, especially frustration. Your emotions are likely dulled by the depression you are going through; and you may not understand what you are feeling (also common among Aspies) or express those emotions the way NTs do; but you do have emotions. The "flat affect" they always seem to refer to when they talk about AS and autism is the tendency to either not express emotions, not understand them when you have them, or not express them the way NTs do. You may not understand your own emotions very well... It seems to me that Aspies often go one way or the other: Either they are extensively introspective, analyzing themselves more minutely than any psychiatrist; or else they don't understand their own emotions, almost to the point that they can't tell the difference between anger and sadness, or the difference between physical and emotional pain. Being female, I've been encouraged to know myself... but, apparently, the stupid "strong man has no emotion" stereotype doesn't help male Aspies that way. You may not have strong emotions; or you may not understand your emotions; but you do have them. Learn to listen to yourself.

7. Those falling grades? Been there, done that. When you're intelligent and have a good memory, you can often get through grade school (age 6-12) just by sitting there and letting your good memory do the job. But eventually--sometimes high school (age 13-18), sometimes university, sometimes even later--you come across a subject which you have to learn instead of just "pick up" the information. For me, this was college physics; I earned my first "C" ever, and later went on to fail other classes until I actually received an academic suspension. What you have to do when this happens is to find, for yourself, a strategy that will allow you to learn things you do not yet understand, instead of simply memorizing things that are self-evident when your teacher says them.

A lot of Aspies are bad at will-power when it comes to studying something we aren't intensely interested in. We often have "executive dysfunction"--that means that it's hard to get started on something, because we're not sure what to start with, or how to do it in an organized manner; so we get confused and just sit there and stare at it, or else go do some special interest. A good method of study will be personalized to include your strengths, will be organized enough so that you always know "what comes next", and will allow you to study fast enough to keep up with your classmates (who probably learned how to study a long time before you did, because they did not have the Aspie memory skills you have).

You already told me you are interested in physics (or, at least, were interested in it--special interests can, after all, fade away and be replaced by others). That tells me you are rather intelligent. So you have this intelligence; and you have a problem. Solve it like you would any physics problem: Define the problem carefully, find out what laws (of your own personality, of people, and of psychology in general) apply to the problem, then combine the information you know with the laws you've found, and use that combination to find new information.

Good luck.

I do think Aspies have a tendency to flatline in the emotional up/down states. I have spent much of the last year in a grey mood that doesn't seem to move up or down very much. To NT's, this may appear unnatural - I wonder whether they believe me cold, or just exceedingly relaxed ( ) - but yeah, I certainly dont have a wide spectrum of emotions. I think that's because I've never found broadcasting them helpful, particularly when I seemingly can't interpret the reply.

Having said that, I've had a couple of small explosions on the graph, so to speak. Very little moves me in my daily routine, no matter how exciting or strange it sometimes is. Mostly, I find I feel emotions, just not strongly enough to act them out physically. I think for the most part, they're our Achillies heel, and we protect ourselves from them as a matter of course - the spikes on my graph would be where I've been unable to contain any more pent up feeling. Having said that, when I don't feel compelled to laugh or smile, frown or curse, it doesnt seem to take much effort to hold what emotion there is, back. Interestingly enough, I hated fluoxetine, which I tried for some months late last year. It nulled out the spikes too, and I didn't like that - I think we feel grey because we wish we could be more feeling sometimes, and a reinforcive cycle begins.

I think Aspies do have an ingrained need to please. I think because social skills are ultimately based on deception for personal advantage - when humans discovered tht lying to each other could bring them better benefits, there had to evolve a whole new understanding of the act of lying, and whole new networks in the mind to discern whether your co-communicant was in fact being friendly, or trying to take advantage of you. As technology advanced, and culture grows, humans have learnt more and more ways of deceieving each other, and so also, they have become ever more social animals. I think Aspies, either because they are a genetic fallback to an earlier period, or simply because their differences cuse a mindset that resembles the social-skill capability of those from an earlier time, are still prepared to take people at face value, and for this reason can be both exceedingly generous, and concurrently naive.

To speak of women - I've been single, and involuntarily celebate for coming close to six years. I realise that may not be uncommon in this community, though I make no presumption. I have had obsessions that have depressed me immensly but all I can offer is words of advice: It does get easier. An old cliché to be sure, but the way I've learned to approach it is not that I want her to make me happy, it's that I'd hope I could make her happy. I think what I was gearing up to, was, the more they say no, the easier it gets. I've had interest in eight or nine women these past ten years. The third had me on the point of suicide, and the last, as panned out last week, led me to say "Hmm, ok, I was mistaken, but if I can't make her happier than she is now, that's ok." Sure I was down in the dumps for twenty minutes (maybe a little longer - 3 days or so), but with each day that passes, I seem to learn better emotional control.

I'd be wary of attempting to "act" in matters of the heart. The time I find NT's most dangerous, and consequently myself to be most dangerous, is when their emotional overloads prevent rational conversation from resolving a dispute. Sometimes, I find myself acting as an emotional mirror - the emotions I experience concealed, or displayed, are not always my own, but seem to be intellectual constructions based on analysis of people, say, laughing. When a joke is told, I feel the need to laugh inside, occasionally even when I didn't find the joke even slightly funny, and when I am not needing to laugh. It feels like running two ghost-like trains on the same rails - an unpleasant overload. Whether this is a reflex I have learnt to adapt to an NT culture, or the real mirroring of emotion, or both, I don't know.

In general, being 19 and 20 were my two hardest years so far. I found people impossible, my loneliness unbearable, and my life worthless. I spent much time worrying (and still do, to an extent) that I was self-centred, and arrogant, and certainly didn't want to be, nor appear to be. There was also, however, a lack of understanding on my part at that point, what it was that made me that way. My peers at the time were not either, particularly understanding, though I did find some comfort in society with the most unusual people from time to time. More recently however, I have discovered more about myself, and been comforted that there is a reason for walking the road to hell, strewing fresh good intentions upon everyone you meet. Learning why I am the way I am has helped me relax in myself.

I still do not consider my studies of myself and people in general to be finished yet - I think that whilst there is much good advice available to Aspies now, about dealing with the world we got lost in, some learning is down to life experience alone. It is likely, that given the volume of information Aspies process continually, that even two years where it feels no effort will have been made to improve oneself will alter you distinctly - simply existing will have given your mind time to take in the world a bit more, to a level of experience that would have been impossible previously.

I have also had several fundamental "perception altering" events. The most major was when I was nineteen - when the world seemed to change inexorably for the less interesting, and droll. There have been others, since. I believe they are the result of subconscious processing - your mind, whilst you are unaware of the conclusion, reaches some end, and says "ok - I've worked that out now", perhaps a spasm in the neural network that suddenly generates many millions of new connections simultaneously, permanently changing the structure of your mind. I do not believe it to be impossible.

I'm not sure how much of that was aimless rambling, and how much is relevant, but.... enjoy?

[Boing™]

Like I said I really have mixed feelings on this one. The part of me that feels that I am not depressed is that there are a host of other things that applies to depressed people but not to me. For instance, if I were depressed I probably won't have enough energy to dissect things and write long posts the way I do now. Also when I have a point I often talk in a loud voice which is also something you won't see with someone who is depressed. I guess a big part of me feel that I am simply obsessed with myself and that is what causes me to overdramatize things that are minor on a grand scheme of things and conclude that I am depressed. I mean, may be everyone feels the same way that I do, but they are just not self centered enough to dwell in it.

But then again, like I said I have mixed feelings. Who knows may be I do have shades of depression that influence things. I can't really tell since being a loner that I am there is no one I can compare myself to.



I guess teh way I think of it is that if Asperger is both a blessing and a curse, then why don't women get attracted to the "blessing" part of it. You see, whether someone likes me or not is a total of blessings AND curses. So if no one likes me it is a proof that curse is far greater than the blessing.



I DO want a girlfriend. All I said was that I don't get attached and/or sexually attracted to people easilly so this is probably what makes it difficult for me to maintain a relationship in a sense that it becomes a strictly logical task of reading into the WORDS that they said, analyzing, etc. without any kind of positive guide of feelings.

But YES I DO want a girlfriend. I guess may be the deal is that I tend to impersonate my girlfirends in a sense that they are used as means of helping me strictly with my own personal issues so it becomes about "me" rather than about "us".



I know I do have sex drive. Because back in high school days I had a lot of sexual fantasies. Also back at 14 I had crush at a girl that lasted a year. As for now, I guess I lost A LOT of sex drive but not all of it. After all I do enjoy it when I "happen" to be in a situation.

I probably haven't spelled it out but none of the girls actually broke up with me over the fact that they didn't have enough sex. Instead, it was always been related to me reading into little things that they said which I perceived to be negative but they weren't, and which ultimately caused them to be angry. As for now I am just trying to make conjectures as to whether or not there is something more general that might be a root of these problems.

I guess the reason that I started thinking about sex drive is that I was trying to dwell on what two of my ex-s were saying. While with all 5 of my ex-s the reasons were other htan sex, at least 2 of them did mention that they feel I weren't attracted to them. So at first I didn't know what they were talking about because in my mind these fights have nothing to do with attraction. But then wehn I looked back and asked myself would I have really been engaged in these fights with the girl I had a crush on back at 14, the answer is NO. Because if I were with her, back then, then I would of enjoyed her presence SO MUCH that I would of simply looked past all the little things that right now I keep dwelling on.

So I guess I just decided to think of it this way. Suppose you have two pieces of wood that weren't glued very well. And suppose you pull them apart, and the glue fail. Did it happened because you pulled them apart or because they were glued badly? I guess you can think of it either way depending on your perspective. So may be sexual drive is a glue while the actual fights are these forces that pull things appart. But if you think of it on a long run, like you have a house, then the "glue" part becomes more and more of an issue. After all there is nothing you can do to prevent earthquakes from happening, but you CAN make a good foundation of a house.

So yah, I guess that line of thought made me think that may be lack of sexual attraction really opened a door for fights. But once again, this is all very indirrect and very speculative. Because on the other hand it is true that I do dissect things and that I do obsess over things. So may be if I were to learn not to, then I would of been able to keep stable relationships even with the level of attraction that I do have. Who knows.





I guess it is hard thing to do when I have mass disapproval from EVERYONE. I guess that was my thinking when I decided that I needed to have a girlfriend. Because if I find at least one person in a planet who doesn't disapprove of me, then yes I can look past the opinions of others.



I guess this goes back to what we mean by the word "emotion". On the one hand, I do have strong emotion, such as a desire to be "in a relationshp" to get approval, or desire to have successful career. But the thing about them is that they are both long term. So can this really be termed an "emotion" if it feels identical whether it is today, tomorrow or any time at all? So, do aspies really feel "strong emotions" that actually vary from day to day, or is it more of an obsession that they feel strongly emotional about for many months straight? If the latter is the case then you might say that it is more of an obsession than emotion.

I guess that is what makes me feel that I might have mild depression. Becuase if I define emotions in terms of short term things, they all vary between neutral and negative. If I go back and look at the longer term emotions, then there are only two possibilities. Eitehr I AM getting it or I am NOT getting it. Whenever I am NOT getting it, this clearly sets a negative framework for my life. On the other hand, when I do get it, then I might feel euphoric for the following week or two but then once I begin to take it for granted it all fades away into the dominating "gray" scene.

But on the other hand, it all goes back to the fact that there are no little things that I actually enjoy doing. And if that is the reason, then it seems quite aspi in a sense that I am overfocusing on the few things (career and relationships) to the exclusion of everything else (the little things that would make others happy on a daily basis).



Well, like you might guess, I am at the "psychiatrist" extreme as you called it. Sometimes I am also wonder that could I be doing it to myself this way? I mean, the point of psychoanalysis is to rid a person of emotions that the psychiatrist doesn't want them to feel. And here I am giving myself psychoanalysis all day long, and thus ridding myself of ever experiencing anything and everything.



I don't know how much of this stereotype is really relevent to me given that I whine on this board much more than anyone else ever did. I guess the "strong man" is lacking emotions in a good way, meaning he lacks vulnerability. On the other hand I tend to lack them in a "bad" way, meaning that I don't experience little things probably BECAUSE I dwell so much on these big things that keep bothering me.



I guess in my case it is far more complicated than that.

a)I did great in terms of courses -- whether high school, college or graduate ones. I have always been several years ahead of the program

b)Despite learning so well, what stood in my way was making slopy mistakes in calculations which gave me a lot of Bs. When I have multiple choice test it gets a lot worse because there is no partial credit. So if the answers look easy I would relax and get it wrong each time they would trick me by giving me an answer that looks "almost" right. So this was a reason for first D. As for second D I fell asleep on examination as a result of studying at night for the four other exams that preceeded this last one.

c)Neither a nor b is relevent to me right now. Right now I am done with courses both undergraduate and graduate ones. And yes right now I DO have a learneing difficulties. They are related to the fact that I haven't made a transition between courses and research. In the textbook they will always review all the background information that you need. On the other hand, hwen I am asked to do research paper, it assumes you are a scientist and already know the subject. All of my advisors kept telling me that it is okay if I don't understand various things in a paper. All that they were asking me is to get a "feel" of it and hten the detailes will come later. But I am simply incapable of doing that.

d)I have just fixed a problem described in part c by finding a research advisor who is willing to allow me to pursue my own dirrection of thought. This is actually a developping area of physics where not much have been done. In fact only 20 people are working in it! So I told my advisor that I don't like what they were doing and I want to do it differently. He said that it is a good ph.d. topic as far as he is concerned. So right now I can do it on my own and thus the ability to understand science papers is no longer an issue.



Once again, in case of coursework I didn't have an actual academic problem. As far as research is concerned, this isn't so much a strategy of learning but rather a skill of obtaining an information. When I approach a research paper, then the background info is simply not there. So I have to either know where to look it up, or be able to learn it without fully understanding it. And these are the two skills that I don't have.



I guess in my case the biggest obstacle is trying to understand thoughts other htan my own. I guess in case of courses it isn't an issue because everything is layed out from square one, even in graduate courses. But with the research there is more and more of a room for me to "disagree" with a person who wrote each paper. In the past I weren't realizing it, but right now it seems that a lot of my escape behaviors were actually triggered by that exact thing. Because right now that I got a topic where I can do something completely on my own and pursue my own ideas without ever reading anything that anyone else has done, I can focus on it all day long without employing any strategies. But in the past when I was asked to read a paper by another person, then sooner or later I would engage in escape behaviors, and then I would find more and more ways to "trick myself" to stay focused and they would keep not working.



It is much more than that. I already have Master's in physics and right now pursuing my ph.d. in the subject. I plan on being a physicist if everything works out.



Well when you are in a lab, and you do an experiment that ends up not working, you can always redo it untill it works. And you can buy as much tools as you need. If your current equipment wears away, just buy new one. This happends NOT to be true for human interaction. If I screw up, a woman walks away, and then it takes ages to find another one. So, you are right, if I did have more social exposure I would of learned a lot of things, may be even without any special effort. But the fact that I don't have social skills on the first place deprives me from interacting with people, and thus deprives me from the very source of learning them.

I believe AS or NT each persons sexuality is unique, in its potency and direction, a lot of people here have said they don't feel much, for me its I either obsess with a girl and feel WAY too much, in terms of heart wrenching gut wrenching emotional roller coaster, or I obsess with music, and feel that in the same sort of heart wrenching way..

I wonder, those of you that said your feelings are flatlining, or kinda grey, do you feel like you're waiting for that drive to come back?

Cause recently I was having a few weeks in a grey state, unable to create, but definately full of thought, then at one point realised what it was I was missing and got to work on sound. I think most of us need something to drive us, whether our fellow humans, whether in ourselves, whether in the pursuit of knowledge, whatever it may be, I don't think one or the other is more "pure" or real.

I'm definately VERY sexual though, I've been in relationships from 15 years old til recently (I'm 21 now!) and realised a really wrong pattern, I tend to pry too much, I tend to push them too far emotionally, and we always end up fighting, because my soul is not yet satisfied at all with what I've done... Maybe you just have something you've got to do? A thesis to finish and share with the world? A vision?

I need to be alone I've decided for the next few years at least, (I have lots of work to do!!) until I can afford my own cabin in the hills to play and record music, and to write in hahah

As for sexual drive, I really don't care one way or the other. But I DO want something else to come back, namely the full range of emotions that I used to have up untill the age of 18. One of the biggest factors in it is of course enthusiasm in physics. But then again even though I was clearly overfocused on physics I was clearly enjoying other things that "happened to come my way" such as participation on cross country team for example and being a top runner. Right now this whole thing is gone.

As far as sexual drive, I don't think it is all that important. I just feel that

1)This might be a simptom of a bigger picture that I am not a happy person in general. Within that bigger picture there are things that ARE important such as school or escape behaviors

2)This might be a reason why relationships aren't working, and I DO want a "relationship" for the sake of approval, with or without sex drive



Yes I agree. Right now I am trying to hope that my new ph.d. thesis project will actually end up working and be that driving force that I am looking for



In my case I basically want a lot of reassurance which is why I want a relationship to start with. So, at first I DO get plenty of it -- each one of my ex-s were the kindest ppl in the world in that regard, otherwise they won't have entered into relationship with me to start with. So this creates an idea on my mind that they are EXPECTED to be reassuring me about anything and everything. And I keep question them more and more "are you sure it was okay with you that I did X, Y, and Z". But sooner or later this question will start referring to various things that THEY said such as "I know X was not okay because after I did X YOU did such and such". From my point of view, I simply expect this statement to be contradicted with something else and proven wrong, so it is my way of seeking reassurance. But the girl would focus on the last part of that sentence "YOU did such and such" and take it as if I am accusing her and react negatively. The negative reaction might be quite minor, but since I was so prepared for her to be totally positive with anything and everything, even a slightest negative reaction would totally shock me and cause me to make a host of other mistakes as I engage in passive agressive behavior in trying to squeeze out of her a statement that she didn't mean to react negatively. So as things get tenser and tenser eventually this leads to relationship falling apart.



Yah that is what I keep telling myself these days.



Wow sounds impressive.