Dealing with inferiority and envy over others social skills

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Hi all, don't usually post here because no offense I usually come out of here feeling worse and overly self-critical about myself, but here I am I need to say something.

Lately I've been feeling awful about comparing myself to others. Not so much possessions but more of a social thing. This isn't specifically asd related but rather how you feel self-critically about your own life to others, so I guess more of an inferiority or self-worth thing. Age 23 now, few friends, no gf and trouble getting a job because I never get employed. Hating it all, hating life. I would say my social skills are average but nothing exceptional, which is the problem, seems like everyone else's is. Everywhere, and I mean everywhere I look I see young couples, large groups of freinds, people talking to each other on a night out like it's so effortless, and I just feel horrible about the whole thing, that there must be something wrong or replusive about me that I haven't really had much of a chance to date, and just generally feeling bad about not being able to talk to others with such ease. I've actually been told I'm usually pretty 'canny' meaning decent to get along with and don't really have trouble making friends (I don't have full blown asd just traits), although I'm picked on for no reason even at adulthood, treat like a piece of s**t and with contempt by many though.

Anyway, the starting a convo and more so "keeping it going" and finding something to talk about is what bothers me, and I feel envious and inferior to people who can. Maybe I'm too hard on myself because, to my own surprise with a touch of practice, I can do these things, just not as well as the next guy or gal. Then again it could just be a confidence thing not a social skills thing, just can't help but feel sometimes like I'm the only one in my town who can't do this, like I'm some freak or something.

It's hard to go on a night out with one of your only freinds, seeing everyone around you talking, making out, huge groups of freinds and your just there feeling scrutinized and way out of place like... s**t, this is what the "normal" thing is for most people? Look at how much better their life is to yours. Then you come home, at that point, it's basically impossible to feel alright about how the night went and how your life is, show me someone who's okay with this and I'll show you a liar (or maybe a schiziod ) It shouldn't bother me as much as it does, but it does, I can honestly barely take this anymore and my self esteem is about to collapse, need your help. It's gotten to the point where seeing everyone having better lives than your isolated one has made me avoid going on nights out, therefore fufilling the cycle of never socializing. Guess I'm calling out to those with milder cases and inferiority complexes who feel the same, or have felt the same and found a way to change their life and thinking styles.

Yeah bro, so happy with my life.

It might be helpful to consider the word "covet"

Thou shalt have no other gods before me
Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain
Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy
Honour thy father and thy mother
Thou shalt not murder
Thou shalt not commit adultery
Thou shalt not steal
Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour
Thou shalt not covet (neighbour's house)
Thou shalt not covet (neighbour's wife)
Thou shalt not covet (neighbour's slaves, animals, or anything else)

The last three injunctions specify "coveting". One can see that such a practice would create problems with social relationships. However, there may be an additional problem with the practice that is not often considered. A person might be seen as poisoning himself with the practice of coveting.

An athlete might drive himself to be the best in a particulate sport. However, there is only one person who is the best in the world. Many athletes strive for a "personal best" so as to not drive themselves crazy for failing to be the best.

If you look at others and consider their wealth, skills, or social abilities, you can envy and covet to such an extent that bitterness consumes your life. It might be better to focus on your own situation and put effort into improvement and skill development in an attempt to achieve a "personal best".

When I was first diagnosed I was ecstatic to finally have a reason for everything I was going through and I continued to not really be bothered by the label for years afterwards. However I was diagnosed when I was about 12 and so at the time was not aware of how much I was actually not understanding. However, as time passed and my peers grew older my gaps became more apparent to me and I realised how much I actually didn't understand socially, but lacked the knowledge to fix it. I became really frustrated and began to compare myself to others.

Where I am currently in life, people are obsessed with dating and as I learnt to appear somewhat normal by comparing my actions to others' my brain was ready to compare myself to my peers again. My lack of interest then highlighted how childish I was in this aspect compared to others and as I continued to spiral I just picked up on more and more things that separated me from them. I came to some really horrible conclusions at the end of this spiralling, telling myself that fundamentally, somewhere in my core there was something about me that just meant that now and forever I would be unloveable. I continued to then compare further and told myself I was actually useless at socialising and that other people just get on better with people and basically compared myself to the point I wouldn't even allow myself to be seen, hiding behind things when talking to people.

In therapy, it was pointed out to me that the knowledge I was on the spectrum was both a blessing and a curse and that because I knew I was on the spectrum, I just assumed that when I had a problem that was a me thing that others didn't feel and that this was incorrect. Basically, it was pointed out to me by two different therapists that everything I was feeling other people feel too, I just may be feeling it a little stronger and that no one is actually this idea of an NT I had in my head and that they're insecure too. If you think about it, everyone is faking it to some extent and worry about what they're doing, how they do it and what other's think of them. It's one of the reasons social media stresses people out, they see what other people are doing and feel they are not doing enough, basically what you described happening in social circles but through the internet.

I also then thought more about different things my friends told me and realised my NT friends were also insecure but hid it. They too made social mistakes that they regretted and they were different ones, and maybe more minor but the point is they were messing up too. Talking to them also made me realise that sometimes you just don't get on as well with some people and that's ok or that you don't understand how people actually feel about you. I had someone tell me they missed me recently that I only thought viewed me as a casual acquaintance and it is very rare that people tell you stuff like that but it just goes to show that when we have a low self esteem we tend to not understand that some people may think of us as having value that we thought we meant nothing to. I was just lucky that someone told me but usually people are not that honest/blunt about things so you can't rely on it. Thinking about it, there are lots of ppl I care lots about who I don't tell because I think it would be 'weird'.

Basically if you are on the spectrum you may be viewing yourself in a position that you aren't actually in and then lowering your self esteem, further making it harder to judge things fairly. I limit my time on here as well because while it is really nice to have a sense of community, constantly seeing people saying that their autism makes them inferior and doomed is demotivating. I am not saying their experience isn't valid or that they shouldn't have an outlet at all, but I think for some people it is better to stay away from those posts if they find them difficult to look at. When I am in a better place mentally I do realise that I am comparing myself to people I don't have proper insight into and that when I do think about the things that I have heard from them, they have their own issues socially. Seeing one friend in particular made me realise how good NTs can be at hiding their insecurities at times and how the same people you are looking at getting on well and seemingly better than you, can be panicking the whole time on the inside about the same things you are. This person in my eyes is attractive, kind, interesting and a large group of people they spoke to as well as being invited to loads of parties. Yet they were still worried.

I'm sorry this is so long but I was just trying to make it clear that NTs aren't perfect at socialising and that a lot of what you see with them is either a facade, or somewhat built up on by your own insecurities. I can't say that knowing this I am now perfect at not being insecure, I still am mentally ill, but it does help me feel a little better and made me realise that while I was obsessing over them so much, I was destroying my opportunities with self doubt and actually creating the problems I feared. I'm not ever going to be like them and that's ok because even if I have way less, I can try and make it good quality. Again, I still do compare myself a lot but at least the logical side of me, not the mentally ill part can see that my view is unfair and allows me to be happy sometimes. I hope this helped : )

So much of what the OP has said in his post reigns true for me as well, from having few friends and no gf to having average-yet-not-exceptional social skills and being envious at all the young couples (and pictures of my coworkers’ significant others on their desks) and large groups of friends I see on a daily (well, pre-pandemic anyway) basis. It can be difficult for me to keep a conversation going when a) I’m not particularly interested in the topic of conversation and b) I and the person I’m talking to don’t know each other well.

You are by no means the only one who feels this way, OP.

I was just starting to try to branch out a bit socially when the pandemic hit my state, which has only made me feel worse since it feels as though the universe is doing everything it can to keep me from having a fulfilling social life.

Yeah thanks for the replies guys least I know a bit more now, still basically undo-able to not compare yourself to others, but I know it's making me sad.

Also Zakatar, what exactly do you mean in your profile by "other asd"?

Not to derail the thread too much, but would anyone else here take offence at being called "autistic"? I know the word is just a way of saying "you have autism, a condition characterized by [insert critera]", but it still comes off as offensive. I mean me and you Zak both share the same condition, but neither of us would be classed as having autism but rather traits, then again I don't really see why people want to pigeonhole everyone into some label. No you're not a label you have a condition that probably isn't anymore real than schizophrenia, so sure it's real in that sense but it's just a name for a collection of traits and symptoms that, correct me if I'm wrong can't really be detected using brain scans. If the same guy who named it called it "neuroatypical" it wouldn't sound half as bad. Pretty sad as well that some use it as an excuse to bully or talk to others a certain way.

Yeah I get that, still don't see why people need to bring it up unless it's obviously something you need support or help with, which I fine. Yeah like they're talking to you like your a kid or something, but hey that's just stereotypes and human nature, people are always gonna be like that when they pigeonhole you into the label and start treating you differently.