Worried about the future.

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Disclaimer: This isn't meant to be a self-pity post, or looking for comfort to be coddled like some of the posters do on here. If I say something negative about myself, it's a honest assessment and being realistic, not just putting myself down and wanting a pity party. That isn't the case. I'm more posting this to sort out thoughts and also see if anyone else has been or is in the same boat.

Right now, my life is fine as long as my depression medication (Prozac) works. I'm not happy, but I'm not down in the dumps either. Part of the reason I'm able to avoid depression, besides the medication, is because I avoid everything that would make me uncomfortable - the outside world. I'm genuinely not geared for it. I'm too nice, naive, and something of an old-school kind of guy as far as values and leaving other people alone. For example, even at jobs where I'm hanging out with a group of co-workers and they're making fun of a co-worker, I don't find it funny or join in, and I also wonder "What kind of people are these? One minute they're talking about this person, who's to say they won't talk about me when I'm gone?" I also have a zero-tolerance policy for personally being bullied. I was severely harassed from 1st grade through college, and it's reached a point that if I know for sure someone is making fun of me I implode (by making fun of, I mean calling me expletives or pointing and laughing at me or getting other people to gang up on me and ridicule me etc.)

There is no solution for a bully. You confront them and tell them you don't appreciate it or stand up for yourself, and they either make fun of you more or deny it. If you're at school or at a job and you go to a higher power and rat them out, it just continues and gets worse.

On top of that, I'm generally just not a smart guy as far as life smarts. There is no hidden talent that I have that would result in a career or something to pay the bills. I've had a myriad of jobs and either was fired or left due to a panic attack...whether it be severe depression due to the job, or severe depression due to bullying at the job because of the way I come off or my inefficiency...and these panic attacks resulted in one suicide attempt and a few hospitalizations.

So to make a long story short, I guess I'm worried that basically this is my life. Personally, I don't mind. I'm not a social guy anyway, can't relate to most people NT or otherwise, but I know that there will come a day, even if my parents are alive and wanting to help, that they'll be too old to take care of me, and I will have to start thinking about what I do when they die. Even if they live to their 80s or 90s, that leaves me 50 or 60 and being the "weird relative" at family parties who doesn't have a job or a wife. (I say wife because while it's possible with my decent looks and humor that I can attract a woman who might not care about my setbacks, I never want kids...doesn't interest me and not capable anyway of raising them...so the idea of getting married probably won't happen seeing how most women want a family at some point.)

The good news is, I'm 26, my parents are alive and healthy, and I don't have to worry about this stuff. I'm just concerned about making 2010 a good year and maybe dating more or finding a serious girlfriend, but I can't help but think "Where is this going?"

Don't let your mind wander too far ahead into the future, as accuracy of prediction diminishes the farther you look. You could be hit by a bus tomorrow and in 15 years science could produce an antioxidant that prolongs your parents' lives by another 50 years.

The flipside is that if you see issues you need to overcome, then you're halfway there. You know what you don't want out of life, so you can do your best to accomplish what you DO want.

Good point. I don't think about this daily, but every once in a while, especially reading posts on here and seeing that people have jobs or go to college full-time despite their issues, it makes me wonder in comparison "How far off am I?" There are people on here who sound severely depressed, which I don't deal with unless the medication is having an off-day, yet they're able to play the game of life and at least make a successful attempt to be in the NT world. I guess I feel inferior and that at the moment, there really isn't much I can do. The good news is, after years of therapy, getting the right medicine, and just learning things on my own, I realize that it isn't my fault that I was bullied or still occasionally get bullied, and that people are just mean in general, and if it weren't me, they'd be laughing at someone else.

You're not "other people", and you may have a different path. Looking at other people's paths, you cannot find your own.

You have to compare your own progress to your own progress. If you have some letters you wrote to a therapist 5 years ago, or a diary, compare your then-state-of-mind to the present. THAT is meaningful.

I've seen people who were in a bad place and who were oblivious to it, which is why they remain there. They were black holes of energy drain, unable to function without getting energy from others.

As you are actively assessing your situation, it is obvious that you have an active mind and an awareness that will allow you to improve upon the present.

Chances are you've already been improving, but its hard to see progress when you're so close to the source. It may look like you're going in circles, unable to break out, but you're actually moving in an expanding spiral. Every rotation seems similar but its not the same. Your drive to BREAK OUT of the situation is expanding with each rotation, your reactions to similar events slightly different each time.

Yes, there's no magical solution to escaping a prison built in the mind. But you're picking at the wall one brick at a time.

* * *

On a slightly more specific subject, I was also bullied from kindergarden thru HS graduation. I realized that this bullying made me see "hostile situations" which weren't really hostile. For instance, I'd walk in the evening and see some guys and girls walking toward me, laughing. Immediately I'd believe they're laughing AT ME, and are going to end up attacking me somehow.

It took me a while to shut off this "through a glass darkly" filter. It was so real, but it was a goddamn illusion all along.

Well range I am in the same boat with work and well people, as well they talk bad about each other while one is not around, and next day, their best of friends. I just sorta not bother with people, I've had girlfriends and that's a pot of fish I find more confusing.

I fear what my future will be as my mom is the only person who sorta loves me, well she does... she cares, but when she is gone, what then I will be alone, I am completely un-remarkable as a person. so someone else has the same fears as you, I hope you make 2010 a good year for you!

Oh Range

I'm sure there are literally hundreds of people on WP who feel like this. It's every day. It feels like a catch 22. I find all aspects of social communication difficult and exhausting and I'm tired of rejection. I'm asexual and find the idea of relationships repulsive, I find it difficult even living with my parents let alone mind anyone else because I'm so OCD about cleaning. As if AS in itself weren't bad enough, on top of that I seem to have social anxiety (which I self-medicate with beta-blockers) and depression (which I self-medicate occasionally with alcohol)... And tbh, I do wonder what is the point of all this. It's horrible, I cry myself to sleep most nights, I believe that death is the only way out but I restrain myself from killing myself because it would kill my Mum because I know I mean a lot to her. It makes me angry when people say that things might change. It's like, when I've been like this for 32 years WHAT MAY I ASK ??? is going to change that is going to change my life to the point that I can lead any kind of enjoyable existence?

Now, it might be easy for people reading this to think that I'm being negative but I'm not. I don't believe that there can be many people out there who have fought against AS as hard as I have tried to fight against it. Throughout the bullying at school I tried to 'ignore it' just as everyone said to. I tried to believe in myself. I put myself out there and I tried to learn social skills. I tried to ignore the constant anxiety and fought it to the point of living most days on adrenaline. I worked in sales jobs where I was able to practice meeting people over and over again to get better at it. I tried to have relationships. I mean goddammit I even TRIED to have sex despite the fact that I find the entire concept of touching other people physically repulsive. I learned about eye-contact and body-language on the internet and spent years practicing how to use it. I learned about positive thinking and tried to be positive. I've tried not letting my mind wander. I've tried drawing a line under things and making a fresh start over and over and over and over and over.

But the truth of the matter is... no matter how much I try I can't learn to be something I'm not, learning social skills doesn't make me become like other people, it will never become subconscious. All it does is allow me to pretend for short periods, with relative degrees of success to be something that I'm not.

I don't blame anyone for despairing, Sam x

I could very much relate to your post therange, except for now I'm at that weird relative stage. I don't get fired from jobs because I go for low level jobs and get in a groove. I have always been under employed and I still don't know what I want to do if I grow up. I have no useful marketable obsessions. I have artistic talent and BFA but I haven't pursued it. Part of that is I realize success in the artistic world requires a certain amount of self promotion and schmoozing. I am completely incapable of that. So anyway, now I have a son who is diagnosed AS and as we are very much alike I can't help him in ways I can't help myself. I wake up at 3:30 almost every morning with a feeling of utter failure and futility. I smoke a cigarette and think about how my early death will leave my son helpless and unprotected. BTW, yes I know I should quit but the damage is already done. I worry about which family member I could ask to raise my son. I think about how I don't know what most adults know as far as the business of life. Sorry I went off on a self obsessed tangent. I'm just saying you are not alone. I look around at other NT people who aren't doing anything with their lives and don't even consider worrying about it. Right now I'm in a down mood (also like you I do OK on Prozac, but I have never in my entire life felt really good,OK is the best I can hope for) later I know it will pass and I will be content with my little non life. I feel like I need someone to take care of me sometimes and that's not going to happen.

That's true about jobs, you know, Aimless, it's like you start off going for jobs relevent to your intelligence and getting fired from them then you just resign yourself to working in low-level repetitive jobs because it's all you can cope with. When I'm at work all I do is scanning and data-entry and tbh, that's about the maximum level of what I can cope with doing in a job without becoming so horribly stressed that the anxiety causes me to leave of my own accord before I do something stupid enough to get sacked...

I always wondered why NTs don't seem bothered about these kind of things, but I guess they don't have to work in jobs that are so beneath their intelligence for next to no money in order to work at all. I also reckon they gain some kind of emotional pleasure from their relationships and friendships which makes their lives feel worthwhile to them. Meanwhile, we don't have that, so we feel like this!

2010 is off to a great start already

My family thinks I lack self confidence only ( also about relationships) but I know better. I fear success because i know I can't handle it.

For me, it's not that I fear success, I'm just so accustomed to failure that I've come to see it as inevitable!

The years of failure takes its toll on your confidence but lack of confidence is a symptom not a root cause.

I'd like to see how the average NT would deal with:

Growing up in a home where they could barely speak without being shouted at or hit.
The weekly humiliation of being forced to play sports for which they have no ability.
Moving houses and schools because their Dad was fired for reasons given as 'behavioural competencies'.
Rejection.
Bullying.
Not being capable of telling anyone how they feel.
Having their failings repeatedly bluntly pointed out to them by others.
Having to fake a personality to fit in.
Having to fake sexual attraction to fit in.
Pretending everythings ok just to fit in.
Being sacked numerous times.
Receiving final written warnings numerous times.
Being bullied at work numerous times.
Being sexually assaulted numerous times.
Moving jobs over 20 times to try to escape from it all.
Moving houses over 20 times to try to escape from it all.

I don't find it even remotely surprising that a lot of us are in this mess and I'd love to see NTs have a go at it if they think it ain't that bad!

The way I see it substance abuse or death is the only release.

Yes. Sometimes I wonder if the people in my life realize and appreciate that my big success in life is that I'm still alive.

That's the thing innit...?

Time and Experience teach us to lower our aspirations...

But once the aspiration gets so low that the aspiration is simply 'to exist'...

The only logical thought progression from that point is 'is it worth existing?'...

And then... if the future is the same or worse than the present is there really any point to existence?...

As one of the guys on Wrong Plant once wrote... 'AS is the roadblock to all avenues of happiness'

"Present fears are less than horrible imaginings." -William Shakespeare

If you are not happy with the people you work with, find a new job. If you honestly think you can't handle that, the benefits system is there for a reason.

There is always light in the end of the tunnel, even if it happens to be obstructed at the moment.

Dude, here's the thing. You say you don't have any "hidden talents" that will help you get a job. Guess what? Most people don't, and most people that do end up pursuing different careers. Most funny people don't end up as comedians, most good football players don't end up in the NFL, you get what I'm saying? I used to think the same thing you did, that I had no extraordinary talents, so I couldn't get "the perfect job" but there is no perfect job. Ask any adult if they planned on ending up with the job they did. I happen to know for a fact that the majority of people out there have the capability for great things. I'm talking about Einstein-level things. All you need is to believe that you can do it. I can do anything I want, just because I believe that I can. I'm almost done with the moonwalk, and I already mastered the earthwalk, and this coming from a guy with Aspergers with motor deficiencies that used to have a dance phobia. Confidence applies to all facets of life, women, work, everything. As for dealing with bullies, all the bullies left me alone in school by the end of the year, just because they were tired of picking on someone who was constnatly nice to them. Bullies are angry people, and most aren't sociopaths, so if you reach out to them, eventually they will feel guilty and stop bullying you. And I too used to think that what you are describing is my life, that I was doomed for Asperger's hell, another spectrum cliche, then I decided to change it. The thing about a job is that you need to find something that interests you, and try to do that. If nothing interests you, find something you think would suit your personality, like x number of days off, or the kind of job where you aren't constantly working with other people, or whatever your personality calls for.

You are still young, you have time to fix things. Of course, even if that weren't true, it's never too late to make a change.