Questions about Children in Grocery Stores Asking for Things

Post Reply New Topic

You are so right! It would really tick me off if someone who doesn't have kids were to say something to me about my parenting in a store. You cant be a good judge of parenting if you have no experience doing it. If you are not witnessing abuse then you should keep your nose out of it. And just to be clear- denial of fruit rollups and the million other junk items the kid has begged for is not abuse and CPS will not investigate such trivial things.

The responses I've seen were interesting; it seems like many people took the parents' side here. It's safe to assume that parents will automatically take other parents' side, especially considering the response "you can't be a good judge of parenting if you have no experience doing it"; it would skew the responses, so that's pretty much why I put a disclaimer in the first post. Those who took the child's side are probably young enough to remember how unpleasant childhood can be, or simply have theirs clearly etched in their brain.

Let's take this up a notch. Read the story in the first post if you haven't done so already. Then add the following: You keep going through the store, crossing off items on your list as you put them in your cart. Fifteen minutes later, you see the same people. The child looks a little sad from the interaction earlier, but otherwise calm, as he/she follows the parent. The parent walks along with a firm, decisive pace. Suddenly, he/she stops, picks up a bag of ground coffee, and puts it in the cart. The child mumbles "ew, coffee" under his/her breath. They both proceed with their shopping trip and disappear from your view.

Now, what do you think happened here? The parent bought a 1-lb bag of coffee, which costs on average $6.99. Obviously, the child is not going to drink coffee, and any parent who allows it is irresponsible. So, the parent refused to buy the child a $2.79 box of Fruit Roll-Ups, but still bought a $6.99 bag of coffee for the adults in the household. This pretty much proves that adults can have whatever they want. Sure, they may have financial limitation, but even if they can't buy something at a one time, they always know they can buy it later. To a child, the word "no" pretty much means "never".

Since question #10 was left blank if the first post, let me add it here.
10. What do you think of the fact that the parent refused to buy the a child a desired item, yet bought a desired item for themselves?
Answer: It's just harsh reality. I see it as some sort of a life hazing ritual where you have to live for with no power or income before you're allowed to have it. When you're an adult, it's your reward for having lived through childhood. And honestly, with the stress of working, paying bills, and maintaining your car, knowing you can buy whatever you want whenever you want it truly makes adulthood totally worthwhile, and completely outweighs the downsides.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 31 Mar 2010, 7:36 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Yes, I agree... and also because the parents are the ones working for the money, so should be able to get a treat now and then for sure. I doubt that the kiddo never gets anything. Except for the power part... some kids do have that power to choose this or that without their parents denying them anything, and almost all of the ones around here are banned from my house, lol, because with that, they have also not learned respect.

I do remember hating being told no about things, but my mom usually said something like "if you want it that bad, use your own money to get it." (my allowance for doing chores), or I would have to do something like sweep the kitchen floor up for her to be able to get it. She worked for the money, and I was going to work for things like that, too.

See, when she would just tell me no, it sucked... big time. But, when she offered to let me use my own money, or do some chores to earn it, I often would just say "okay, I don't want it that bad", lol. So I wanted it bad enough to get it and give her TONS of crap over it, but didn't want it bad enough to actually do something to get it as a reward, lol.

The adult got the coffee for themselves, but I'm willing to bet there is SOMETHING in that cart for the kiddo, as well... even if it's just an ingredient to make dinner, it could be for the dinner that they have been asking for all week long. Does that make sense?

I don't let my kids get much in the store, but I will pick up things that I know they like without them asking for it. I get a few snacks for the house-stuff they aren't begging me for, and they hate me at the end of the trip for not getting them the candy they wanted... but later on, while helping me unpack, they are excited about the snacks that I did get to have around the house and usually break into them right away.

Kids... can be pretty flexible on those things a lot of the time. They will be upset over things for a while, but the minute something good happens, they are okay again. My kids probably get a lot more treats here and there than most kids, but my kiddos are very respectful and have learned not to throw a temper tantrum, because I might be planning to get something else that they really like and they know I just won't do it if they act up.

When it comes to not having enough money to get something, I will flat out tell them, "We are going to the store because I need to get some soda. I get a lot of headaches without it and get super cranky... so you can choose a cranky mom for a week, or you can have some candy that will last 10 minutes at the most." They opt for mom's soda, lol. I really need to stop drinking stuff with caffeine in it....

...and they realize, I don't get everything that I want, too. I might really really want to get some snacks for myself, but know I don't NEED everything that I want to get, so I just don't. Sometimes it's because I get them their special cereal instead, and sometimes they have to pass on something so I can get things I want too.

You're missing the point that many of us made: the primary issue is not the cost. The issue may be related to health (not wanting to buy junk, especially if some sweet treats have already been chosen for the week), and not giving in to a tantruming kid (read: trying to avoid creating a monster child). Whether you want to believe it or not, saying "no" to your child sometimes is *good* parenting. Parents who do not sent limits for their children and stick to them are doing those children a real disservice.
Also, a kid is not going to be "sad" because they didn't get the Fruit Roll-up, although they may be momentarily (or possibly a little longer if they are used to getting whatever they want) distressed. And if they fuss a lot and really work themselves up about it, I could see them being sullen or angry. But not "sad." If a kid's actual happiness is wrapped up in what candy they get to eat (note: "happiness" rather than "transitory pleasure"), then there are deeper problems.

And again, as others have said, you just don't know the situation. Even if the issue *is* financial, maybe the parents have already spent twenty dollars on "Lunchables" or something. Maybe most of the extra money spent on groceries goes towards buying things for their kids, and that bag of coffee is the *one* treat they allow themselves to buy for themselves. The point is, you are judging them without even really knowing what is going on.

I am not a parent by the way. And I am 25, so although I'm not just out of childhood, I'm not so far out that I don't remember what it was like. I can remember feeling impotently angry about the unfairness of the world. Of course, when I look back at many of those situations from a mature perspective (note: many, not all), I can see that perhaps I was not entirely in the right, and my parents were not entirely in the wrong. How old are you? Perhaps you are *too* close to childhood to yet see the other perspective.

Last edited by LostInSpace on 31 Mar 2010, 8:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

6. How do you feel about the fact that not too long ago, you were in that child's place?

this is a blatent lie. i was never a child

Just becuase the parent didn't get the fruit roll-ups doesn't mean the child isn't getting some type of treat. The cart may be full of treats for them.

The fact that the coffee was purchased doesn't mean the parents are getting a treat. Maybe they have guests coming over? Maybe it was purchased for the office where they work? maybe its being purchased to be donated somewhere.

The problem is that you don't really have enough information just viewing the scenario. You don't know the 'why'. All you can do is form an opinion based upon your assumptions.

The child could have allergies and is asking for something that will aggravate them. My son is ADHD and I really have to watch his sugar intake, so depending on what he is asking for, the answer may change.

1. What's your take on this scenario you just witnessed?

Team Parents. All the way.

2. Did you find it hard to watch? Why?

Maybe a little bit. It's never easy watching a child have a hissy fit in a public setting.

3. What you you think is going through the child's mind at that moment?

I've watched enough Supernanny to know that this child is looking for a way to manipulate his/her parents into giving in.

4. What you you think is going through the parent's mind at that moment?

"What did we do to deserve this?" *sigh*

5. How do you feel about the fact that you can pick and choose whatever you want, but that child has to depend on his parents' wishes?

That's the way life works.

6. How do you feel about the fact that not too long ago, you were in that child's place?

Again, that's life.

7. Do you feel sympathetic toward that child?

Not at all.

8. Have you felt compelled to somehow verbally reassure the child?

No. The child must learn that he/she can't always have what they want, when they want it.

9. Have you felt compelled to say anything to the parent?

I don't think I'd ever act on it, but secretly, I'd want to commend the parents for doing the right thing.

I fit the target demographic specified by the OP. I don't have any children of my own, but I do have a degree in Early Childhood Education (both special and general) and several years of experience working with preschoolers. Thus, I am no stranger to these sorts of power struggles.

1. What's your take on this scenario you just witnessed?
It's a pretty typical conflict between a parent and child.
2. Did you find it hard to watch? Why?
Not really. I've spent a lot of time around children, and it's nothing I'm not used to.
3. What you you think is going through the child's mind at that moment?
I want that fruit roll up.
4. What you you think is going through the parent's mind at that moment?
I don't want to deal with this hassle right now.
5. How do you feel about the fact that you can pick and choose whatever you want, but that child has to depend on his parents' wishes?
I don't know this family, and their story. This is just a passing encounter, and I'm not going to spend that much time thinking about it. After all, I see things like that all the time.
6. How do you feel about the fact that not too long ago, you were in that child's place?
Actually, I wasn't, at least not with my parents. I was a spoiled only child who got whatever I wanted if I cried hard enough for it. It was a rude awakening for me when I discovered that this tactic didn't work so well when I tried it on people other than my parents. My parents meant well, but they hated to watch me cry and scream, and tended to take the easy way out by doing whatever it took to make it stop.
7. Do you feel sympathetic toward that child?
Somewhat. It's always frustrating not to get what one wants, though those frustrations are an inevitable part of life, and the earlier one learns to cope with them, the better.
8. Have you felt compelled to somehow verbally reassure the child?
That would be overstepping boundaries in a big way. If the parent was outright abusing the child (which is not the case here), it might be harder to hold back. Once, when I was eighteen (and exceedingly naive) I saw a mother verbally abusing his child on the Subway. I said something to the boy that was meant to be kind, then just before I got off the train, I gave him a number where he could reach me if I wanted to talk. The mother yelled, loud enough for the entire train to hear, "Mind your own f***ing business! You're just a little f***ing girl." I don't butt in anymore, because I recognize that there's nothing I can really do in those situations.
9. Have you felt compelled to say anything to the parent?
Again, that would be overstepping boundaries.
10. (Any other question you wish to add.) What might you do in that parents' place?
I might buy the child the fruit roll-up if he/ she asked appropriately, and there wasn't a good reason not to. However, if there was a reason, I would communicate that reason to the child in clear simple terms. For instance, if I knew the child was prone to have a bad reaction to the food dye, I might say, "No, you can't have a fruit roll-up, because 'x' happens when you eat fruit roll-ups." I also might offer to buy a healthier alternative instead, and mention a couple of healthier options the child could choose between. If I was saying no because I'd already put a package of oreos in the cart for the child, I'd remind the child that he/ she was only allowed the one treat, and eating too many treats could make him/her sick. This approach doesn't eliminate the chance of tears, but it makes a scene less likely. If the child cries or tantrums, I would be careful to remain very calm. I might say, "I see that you're upset. That's okay. We all get upset sometimes." I wouldn't back down from my original position on the fruit roll-up, and the child still wouldn't get what he/ she wants. However, I would validate the child's feelings with this statement. I've used this approach when a child is crying/ tantruming, or showing warning signs that he/ she is close to crying/ tantruming. I find that, more often than not, children are more likely to accept what I say when I show them this sort of respect and validation. Young children might have a cognitive understanding of the world that differs greatly from how we understand the world, as adults. However, their emotional range is far more complex than most adults imagine. Children will generally appreciate it when an adult recognizes their feelings about a situation, and their right to have those feelings. We want children to show respect for others; they'll learn it best when the adults in their life model respect by showing some respect to them.
I'm passing no judgment on the parent here. For all I know, they may have been through this same conflict ten times over in the last hour alone, and that parent might have just "had enough" at that point.
Okay, I'm done now. The education and development of young children is a special interest of mine, and it's hard for me to stop once I get started on the topic.

while I do feel bad for the kid--cause I was there once too--I know where the parents are coming from, but at the same time, there are better ways to handle it.

If those parents had made better choices in life..they'd know them, too.

No I don't believe in just giving your kids whatever they want; they wind up spoiled, and thinking they're entitled to everything.

From my folks and I being broke when I was a kid, I was not humbled by it by any means; I'm greedy as hell now...but that's why I'm pushing to become a successful businessman; so I can have the money to buy all the things I always wanted, and make sure my family has the best too.

Does that mean I'm gonna let my kids have everything they want? Sure...providing they earn it.

They want something, they gotta work for it; that simple.

but I will confess...it does bring back a bad re-occurring memory I have about a certain trip to the mall with my family: I always got bored, and wanted to go to the toy store...just to look around.

The funny thing is...I really did just want to look around, but those toys were so beautiful...and I was a kid; c'mon, you do the math.

I threw a fit once, and my Grandpa was nice enough to buy it for me even though I just wanted to look. To this day, I feel bad about that.

I know...I know..I was only 5. I still feel bad about it. He was really a great guy. so in a way...it kinda brings back bad memories too.

To top it off, the main reason I wanted to get a toy each week as a kid--and this I recently admitted to my Dad: that one toy I got was gonna make my entire week. the rest of the week I went thru complete torture at school, and I associated getting a toy each week with "surviving" the week. If I didn't get a toy....I just pushed with even more willpower not to go daffy.

But yeah...the toy was that significant.

OT but Supernanny is some of the most degrading parenting I've ever seen. It was on TV this morning, a kid had a tantrum, they put her in time out and ignore her cries, then force her to say she's sorry and she does it just because she's realized they have all the power and her opinion doesn't matter. Then, to make matters worse, the father makes her hug him, even though she's still hurt and in turmoil and even tells her she has to use both arms to hug him or she can't leave time-out.

Supernanny says: great parenting

I say: great way to teach your child about saying no to unwanted touching. Great way to make the child obey only because she dreads the punishment and humiliation. We sure need more citizens like that, who only do the right thing when they risk being caught and punished and who believe that if someone is more powerful than you, you have to agree to touching even though you don't want it.

Ugh. I do agree with them for making her apologize. My daughter is very much like that, to where she appears (to outsiders) to actually be very distraught and upset... but she is extremely manipulative and is good at it. She actually watches her own face in the mirror as she tantrums, to make sure she is making the saddest face possible before she re-enters the room to make her "debut" scene, lol. If that doesn't work, she will start guilt trips... she's only 5 and already doing this-I'm dreading teenage years. She will say that I hate her and don't want her anymore if I don't respond to her sad faces and wails of distress-it's like, soap opera stuff, lol.

I make her apologize after a time out, but not just say "I'm sorry". She has to tell me what she has actually done, and I have to make sure to tell her exactly what she is going into time out for when I put her in there.

She might be in trouble for trying to punch me, or biting me might have been the last straw... but sometimes even with that, she's actually in there for stealing a toy from another child. So I can't put her in there based on what finally set me off-I can't lose sight of the entire situation, or else it just doesn't have the right effect, if that makes sense. If I don't tell her what she's going in there for, then when I ask, she will tell me every bad thing she did over the course of the entire day, lol, and that's just plain confusing for her and me both.

I have found with hugs... well, I don't make her give me hugs when she gets out, but I will suggest that if she's in there for doing something really mean to her brother, that he might would feel better if she did give him a hug and apologize. But, while she is in time out, she is to think of ways she could have handled herself better as well. Like, instead of yanking her brother's hair, she could have come and told me that he was bothering her, or she could have gone into another room.

But, I never understood putting a child in time out just for straight punishment. We use it as an opportunity for my son to take a break from a situation that is overwhelming sometimes if he starts being mean or just super inappropriate (and is entirely aware of it). They go to an area that has very little around them so they can't really just go entertain themselves... then they are to think about what happened and how things could have been different.

Before they get out of time out, my only requirement is that they tell me exactly what they were in there for, and that they were able to think up one thing that they could have done differently. If they cannot right away, I sit on the floor by the chair with them and we talk about the situation together.

Dagnabbit, lol-I couldn't help but to respond, LipstickKiller, as those shows really confuse the heck out of me, as well, in how they handle things sometimes. Though, another off-topic thought... about the hugs they are requiring. Lipstick, have you ever made your kiddos hug one another? I've done it before, when they were mad at one another... and while it didn't exactly seem to be the best idea, I had them do it and count to 10. It's an interesting thing... as they are counting and hugging, the anger actually goes away. It starts off them being mad and hating one another, and by the end of it, it's a genuine hug and we don't have any more fights for the rest of the day... but a lot of helpfulness to one another.

That is, of course, if my son (the one on the spectrum) is having an okay day and doesn't mind the hug. That is why I just suggest it now, if they hurt one another's feelings or are fighting. Because we all have days when we just don't want someone in our face or touching us.