Asperger person and self pity or something

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I know of an aspie who seems to complain a lot. The person says things like "life isn't fair, I have it hard, nobody likes me" and all sorts of negative stuff. If comes to a point where this person seems to have a weird face after awhile, like a puppy wanting attention. It looks that way. That's just how it looks to me.

I've tried giving this person a good pat-on-the-back and a nice words but to no avail. Their bottom lip seems to get bigger everytime and it's an emotional drain. I tried to give him a couple of dollars to buy an ice cream cone and this person still isn't upbeat.

Any ideas how to help this person?

 






 




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I have a friend like this. I see her as a possible aspie, but she's been diagnosed with a number of things like ptsd, bipolar and borderline pd. She has had a rough life but comes from a family that can help her financially. I think she can't "hear" positive reinforcement because her thinking patterns are so set. She is the kind of person who will be rude to someone because she will assume the person is out to get her. The person responds negatively and in her mind that reinforces her idea that everyone is out to get her.

Depends how much time you want to put into it. You could really get involved and start thinking of warm counter-arguments to the defeatism, and keep repeating them to him, to see if any of it will stick. Or you could just go the same way as the rest of the world, laughing with those who laugh and keeping away from those who cry, so that they do so alone. Poor guy's stuck - as long as he keeps acting so negatively, people will dislike him and that will fuel his poor self-image. Nor would I give much for his chances with women. You can try and fix it, but I wouldn't raise your hopes. Maybe recommend a cognitive therapist.

cognitive therapy would be a good idea.

I think my approach would not be to sympathise or to encourage or to argue with the person's self-perception, but just ask them objectively why they feel that way, and get them to qualify what they're saying. So if they're saying 'Nobody likes me', I'd question whether they literally mean nobody, and whether they'd include me in this generalisation. And then ask them if they have any idea why nobody likes them. To get them to be aware of what they're saying, and how they are coming across to others. I think that is the approach that would work best with me, if I were in that situation.

And to be honest, I find that a lot of people get in a habit of putting themselves down just because they want the person they're talking with to disagree with them and tell them that they're great. I think this is an unhealthy habit in the long run, because while in the short term it might be nice for them to get the positive feedback, they will alienate people and isolate themselves in the long run, because people don't like to be around someone who is constantly negative. As you say, it's draining.

I'd also recommend you look after your own needs, and when you are finding it draining, tell the person. Say that you have your own problems too, and that it can be exhausting to have the conversation always centred on this person's problems. I think people on the autistic spectrum appreciate when people give them direct feedback (this is certainly true of myself anyway). The person might feel a bit defensive at first, but honest feedback is essential for self-awareness. Non-autistic people can often pick up subtle non-verbal cues and adjust their behaviour accordingly, but people on the spectrum benefit from more direct feedback.

True for me as well. I agree. Good thought(s).

I sometimes think this way whenever I disappoint someone, especially my girlfriend. But she gets depressed sometimes and then and an Aspie I'm not quite sure how to get her to cheer up...

Well I have chronic depression so I can let you know what it's like from my perspective. People who don't have my neurology often can't really understand what is wrong or how they can help me. Hearing things like "don't sweat it", "it's not a big deal", or "just think positive" might work for them when they get depressed but these things do not work for me. In fact they often make me feel worse because they don't work yet people expect me to pretend to be appreciative of thier support as a social gesture. That's as much a drain on me as my depression is a drain on them. It's a no win situation.

Because it's a chemical imbalance / biological brain impairment there's really nothing they can simply "say" to elicit a genuine positive response out of me. I tend to do better with people who will simply listen to me, yet I'm aware that most people aren't able to do that. That's why I tend to keep my mouth shut and avoid social interaction when I'm in the midst of a deep depression. There are few people I feel "safe" talking to in these times.

I am part of the way through reading a stack of books by Alice Miller, starting with a lot of weeping / mourning on almost every page, but I find a lot of empathy in her decades of writing. My latest, "The Untouched Key" and before that "Drama of the Gifted Child," then "Thou Shalt Not Be Aware," then "The Truth Shall Set You Free" and fourth, "Tearing Down the Walls of Silence"