Was this the wrong thing to say?

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(I'll try to explain the best I can) While shopping in the mall I was looking for my jean size 10 or 12. I told older sis I couldn't find any only 14 16 and I'm glad I'm not that size. She said "I'm that size!" (AKA her) I was like oh. Then I tried on the 10's she found me (They were slim and tight I couldn't get them up one leg) then I told her they didn't work she said "Well then maybe YOU should have tried the 14!" (Not yelling but it was IMO a rude tone) I went crying (to myself) and told mom she said I shouldn't of said anything about the sizes. So I felt all bad that I said anything. Me always saying/doing the wrong thing and it coming out wrong or sounding rude or something to that affect. Why do I even bother!! !! !!

What you're saying is similar to the middle of this video:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJM6DL3mz1Q[/youtube]

At 5:40 she says "three inches is such a wretched height" which is the same as the caterpillar. Your sister got offended because you said something negative about the size she happens to be. Which may be true? Nevertheless...

I think what you said about the sizes was a bit of a gaff, but the sort of gaff anyone could make. It's perfectly normal to make mistakes like that.

What she said to you sounds like a bit of sarcasm because of feeling a but peeved at your gaff. A very normal response.

Try to brush this kind of thing off. It may feel massive to you when it happens, but in the grand scheme of life it's very trivial.

By the way, did you say sorry after she pointed out that she was a size 14?

It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong to me. You stated a fact. The only way I think what you said could have come off as rude would be if you had insinuated that 14/16 was fat or something. If you did not, you committed no faux pas - your sister, in that case, was being overly sensitive and betraying any insecurities she has about your size difference. If that's how it happened, I don't think you owe her an apology.

I'm not sure if I said sorry for that. I said sorry for other things that happen (that weren't my fault "Sorry you had to buy a stroller since the nephew was throwing a tantrum." Sorry you have a bump on your lip and you can't eat much") These things weren't my fault but I said sorry anyway.

BTW she didn't say it sarcastically she said the comments rudely. I could see the comment being "Oh that's my size silly" in a ha ha laughy manner but it was "That's MY SIZE!" or I'm Size 14! (rudely) Then after saying the size 10 didn't work the comment "Well maybe you should have tried the 14! (again rudely) Hurt my feelings alot. and again made me think why even bother! Thanks for the comments though. Glad to know I can come to WP and talk about these issues of saying the wrong thing.

Honestly, zelda, I've read a lot about your sister in your previous posts and she's a bit of a brat, IMO. She takes things much too seriously and gets offended with very little provocation. I wouldn't worry too much about it, but do apologize immediately when something you've said causes offense. If nothing else, it may serve to take the wind out of her sails -- after all, she can't reasonably stay offended when you've already made amends for the offense.

Thanks! She's the older one who found out about AS for me so I thank her for that. She understands the social handicap and I can be obsessive that aspect of it too and saying the wrong thing towards others (She backed me up once at a BBQ at her house) Also as I've stated in past topics she understands the emotional responses being different in the fact that I didn't care about 9/11 etc. as I've mention in topics in the past. Thanks though.

Ok, so this is a little bit of a tangent, but I think it's important, especially if you'd like to stop your sister from acting like that. The idea of apologizing made me consider why I feel the way I do about saying "I'm sorry".

I have to disagree with other posters about apologizing when you've done nothing wrong. Sorry is a powerful word. There's an interesting poem called "State of Sorry" (can't remember the poet), but it's basically about what we're expressing when we say sorry throughout the day and how, when it falls thoughtlessly from our lips that we in a way become sorry.

Though I disagree with some of the premises of this article (that women apologise more because they are programmed to nurture, etc.), I do like the last bit:

It came from here:
http://womenshealth.suite101.com/article.cfm/the_sorry_syndrome

I thought this was succinct expression in the general direction of what I mean, too:
http://www.howtogetagrip.com/2010/stop-apologising/

I don't have a problem with apologizing when an apology is due, btw. I just think we need them much less than give/get them. Especially if another phrase is more appropriate.

Exactly right.



REALLY exactly right!

If she unreasonably "stays offended" after you apologize, then she's really in the wrong.

If I get comfortable talking to a particular person, I sometimes have to start watching what I'll say. People I'm comfortable with, I often project my own views and circumstances on them, imagining they could be similar. I can't think of an example, but sometimes I'll find myself saying something (or thinking about saying something) that I'll realize could have been the wrong thing to say to that particular person, either because I realize their situation is different from my own, or it occurs to me that it could be.

I'm sorry but this is not "stating a fact", this is "stating your opinion and feeling".

I'm glad I'm not that size is an opinion. It's not a big deal, really, anyone can state his opinion, I do it a lot and others do it too. I just guess that this sentence was rude to her because she interpreted the reasons behind your opinion though she cannot really tell what you were thinking about.

I'm not saying that you owe her apologizes, I think you should explain to her why it wasn't insulting.

I told a friend wh is a UK size 14-16 that I was glad I was no longer this size and she took it pretty badly. She though I was calling her fat and ugly while I was just stating that when I was this size, I was very fat and that my body fat doesn't look good since I am as fat on the bottom than I am on the top... She isn't me therefore I don't care whether she is a size 14 or not (and she is a size 10 on top so this is so not the same thing) and I wasn't insulting her but people tend to take pretty badly any comment on weight, height or clothe size.

But it's different from the Alice example because it was an opinion.

Edit : Sorry, I confused I and it

Last edited by lostD on 15 Aug 2010, 9:34 am, edited 1 time in total.

I think women tend to be a lot more sensitive than men about their clothes sizes/appearance etc. A bloke would have just laughed it off and jokingly threatened to punch you in the face or say "Oh, I'm not talking to you anymore!" or something.

I think women tend to be a lot more sensitive than men about their clothes sizes/appearance etc. A bloke would have just laughed it off and jokingly threatened to punch you in the face or say "Oh, I'm not talking to you anymore!" or something.

You don't have to apologise for having an opinion. But if you care about someone you should apologise for hurting their feelings by expressing that opinion. Just because you can say it doesn't mean you should.

If you aren't bothered about upsetting that person, don't apologise. But then don't be surprised if they lash out.

Personally, if my sister said that to me, I would be very upset by it.