ALONE WHILE WITH OTHERS

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Of course some down time is to be expected, but have you ever been sitting in a group of people and even though they may respect you or at least put up with you but nonetheless they unintentionally ignore you?

As if they see you, but they don't consciously realiize you're there.

What do you do in those situations? It happens pretty frequently and not with just one group of people. It's one of the most important AS issues that I need to address (even though it's not really my fault, I'm still the one that needs to do something about it).


PLEASE HELP WITH SUGGESTIONS

Last edited by jumanji on 23 Aug 2010, 9:07 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Apparently they just haven't noticed the 'Kick Me - I'm Autistic' sign on your back yet. As soon as they see that, they'll acknowledge you, but you may wish they hadn't.

I don't know what to do about it, but this is something I've experienced too. Just figured you might be glad to know you're not the only one.

Yes. I hate this feeling so I usually just walk away and be by myself.

I've been the invisible man most of the time in said gatherings, or for that matter even at 'work' ,and it's the same old song.

And I've noticed my words have little weight ,even with a display of wisdom, and I suppose it has more to do with the other's emotions in connection with character identification.

I've found if they don't think as you do, then you're an outsider ,and subsequently tolerated; so they are unable to 'relate' and therefore are unable to 'emotively' connect to you - "a persona non grata," if you will - unconsciously .

I sit back and watch and examine as an observer, and learn as an amatuer anthropologist.

Last edited by Mdyar on 23 Aug 2010, 10:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I was just dealing with that for the last hour and a half. I'm in a club at school and my friend that I always talk to wasn't there tonight so I went anyway. The result was that I pretty much sat there while everyone else talked around me. They weren't trying to ignore me but there was so busy talking to their friends that they didn't pay attention to me. There was like 10-15 and they pretty much did nothing but socialize. So I was too anxious to speak up and wouldn't talk unless someone spoke to me first. For some reason the more people that are in a social situation, the more anxious I get. When some people left and there was four of us, even though they were all chatty NTs I felt a lot more comfortable when there was just a few of us, but that only lasted like 30 seconds . So I know what it feels like to be alone in a room full of people, and it doesn't really bother me that much. I don't really need to be friends with any of them anyway. I have plenty of friends that I talk to one on one or in small groups. Tonight would have been more fun if was involved in their conversations though.

Yeah.. Adding my voice to the mix, I've been there too.
There isn't much to be done, I think -

When it happens to me I use it as an opportunity to observe the human socialite in its natural habitat... Maybe one day I'll know enough to immitate the herd.
____

(Watch the gazelle as he grazes thru the open plains...)
(5 points if you know what movie that's from)

And you wait through the meeting till there is enough of a lull for you to get a word in edgewise and halfway through someone else breaks in.

Know it well.

Like gravity, one of the conditions of life, I fear.

Some gatherings, I walk away to be comfortable and use time profitably - then I lose points for being aloof.

I have noticed with the few good friends I have, that when we are in a one on one situation everything is good. But with a larger crowd, people "group up" and I am almost always outside the group. Have you ever noticed that people will form a physical circle and have their backs to you?
It used to get me down but not so much anymore. I'm not a "group" person. The thing that sucks is a lot of things go down in these group sessions. Jobs are offered, opportunities are shared, useful information is spread. If your on the outside, your out of luck.

I've also been there, ss well. I'll be with a bunch of people, yet at the same time, people will ignore me. I go off on my own, pull out a book, and read.

I've also been there, ss well. I'll be with a bunch of people, yet at the same time, people will ignore me. I go off on my own, pull out a book, and read.

So what do we do about it?

I don't know why it's difficult to interact in these settings. I know that (usually) people don't mean to ignore me or be rude.

It's a pattern that I've experienced for years with different groups of people so I can deduce that I am the variable not the group.

What do we do to be able to get in these groups and 'fit in' when in larger settings?

I realize that not everyone wants to, but I do so let's throw around some ideas and try to help each other.

Welcome to the autistic spectrum.

I just let myself be ignored. The other option is to make a fool of myself.

I think it happens to NTs as well, I knew a girl who was 100% NT (not even the slightest learning disorder) and everyone ignored her (which is always a good thing for me because I can socialize with ignored people ) before she went to the university. It happened only during a year but it can happen.

I have no diagnosis (except for dyspraxia) and have been ignored most of my life too before going to the university when I found some "weird people". Being ignored or not also depend on who you meet, some people are slightly different or do not follow others and they will not ignore you, they might even become you friend, but they are rare.

(I was not beated and ignored by everyone until I was 9 and moved to another city because there was no social structure in my school and some kids liked the fact that I acted like strangely and like a teacher )

By the way, people who ignore you don't deserve your attention.

As for feeling lonely when in with others, unfortunetaly, I have learnt that everyone is always alone, no matter how many people are there and when people are in groups, they tend to talk to the people they like the most.
I had a depressed friend who never talked to us and she felt totally excluded but everytime we asked her what she wanted to talk about, she said nothing and she still does, thus she cannot have any friends. (Whereas being strange but trying to communicate help).

But really, it's easier to have only one or two friends, and they are more reliable.

I know the feeling well. I unfortunatly can't just sit back and let the flow of converstaion ebb around me.
Im ny last year at university we concentrated on group wok "in preparation for industry" I hated this. I was unable to contribute to group discussions at all well. A sentence would form in my head and I would have to say it even if the conversation had moved on. This got me a reputation for being annoying and innapropriate (just to the topic at hand not socially innapropriate) . I was then ignored more often.
I have found that the solution to this is to find a smaller group of 3-4 people and try to be polite. If doing group work offer to take notes rather than to contribute verbally. This way you can ask questions at the end or in the e-mail with the minuites later.

Again, I appreciate the comments.

But the question was what do we do to make this not happen when we are in situations like this.

It wasn't about whether or not they deserve our attention or whether we should be there in the first place.

It was when we are in situations like this, how we can make sure we aren't alone in the midst of others.