Ever feel like too much understanding is hurtful?

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I mean, it's nice and all, to have someone really seem like they understand where you are coming from, but can become a problem, it seems when they start backing you up when you just don't want to do something, or don't want to learn how to do something new.

I noticed this on another forum earlier and got to thinking about it.

A lot of the parents there say things like "oh, he/she can't do this or that because of sensory issues" or "he/she can't do that because they just aren't good at it", and won't push to work on it.

I mean, it got me thinking that if my mom had never pushed for me to do anything and just understood every little issue I had and excused everything, I'd still be running around like a kid essentially, because I would have been allowed to stick with my "I can't do this/that" mindset.

It's great that they are being supportive and understanding, but sometimes it's not JUST about learning the task at hand. Sometimes there is more involved to it.

Sports, for instance. Okay, so I was lousy at throwing/catching a ball. I despised basketball or anything like that. BUT, I did learn teamwork to some extent, and learned to be more aware of my surroundings, and I'm pretty sure it helped with my motor skills to some extent even though I completely sucked at doing it.

Now, say I had a parent that understood the difficulties with it but basically said I don't ever have to participate or work on it. Say I was allowed to just think "I can't do this" and had support in the form of backing up the fact that I cannot do it as opposed to helping me learn how.

I don't know.... There has to be a decent mix of basic understanding but also understanding that sometimes things we are doing will fill a need later in life... a skill of some sort.

Sure, a lot of us are never going to be the best at some things, but should we be excused from things because we struggle with them? Does that teach us anything?

I read your post earlier today and I thought there would be lots of replies by now. Anyway, yeah - I agree. I don't have children, but looking back at my own growing up, I can see what you mean. And lately I've been wondering how much I should push myself to do things now, as an adult. The rest of this is a bit rambling, but I've tried to elaborate.

I've always known I was a bit odd or different, but I always thought it had to do with my family moving around a lot, often being "the new kid", being clumsy, or just plain shyness. I don't recall either of my parents specifically addressing any of that, and frankly we never talked much about anything personal until after I went away to college. But there was always a general attitude that I was just supposed to get out there, go to school, get good grades, and well, cope with whatever came up.

It's kind of hard to gauge how much emotional support I got, because my mom thought everything my brother and I did was great, and my dad always seemed dissatisfied with everything. It didn't take long for me to figure out that neither one of them was right, but that left it for me to decide how well I was actually doing.

Anyway that was a long time ago, and as I look back on my life since then, I can see that there are things I would not even have attempted if I had been told that I didn't have to do things that are difficult or uncomfortable. (It might have been better not to attempt some of those things, but other things were worth it.)

It's been about a year since I figured out that I have a lot in common with the AS folks here on WP. Since then, I've learned to give myself a break when it comes to stuff that stresses me out - to be easier on myself than I used to be. But I'm starting to wonder if I'm letting myself off the hook too much. Maybe I should push myself a bit more. I'm not sure.

JSB, trying to figure it out as I go along

Wow, excellent point. I've had this thought myself actually. I received no help, no diagnosis, no therapy, no understanding, nothing, as a kid. I'm 30 now and only a couple of years ago found out about AS when my sister heard about it and immediately pegged me as one. I was pushed alot as a kid to be more normal, and continued to push myself into adulthood. And though it was a nightmare for me as a child, I can't help but wonder if I could have accomplished all that I have, going from being practically mute outside of the immediate family as a kid, to becoming a soldier, EMT, and police officer, as an adult, if I had been diagnosed. I had no excuses to not try to be like everyone else. I didn't know there was another way, and that it was OK to be that way. Since I've learned about AS, I understand myself alot better, and feel it's OK now to be a little or a lot different. But I also don't feel that need to try as hard now.

It's not too much understanding that's bad, but the lack of will to improve on things. Insight is good, but insight being used as an excuse to not do something about your obstacles is bad. That's good that your parents pushed you and I'm telling you, it'll definitely lead you to satisfaction in life. Though you gotta understand htere's a difference between pushing someone and being unreasonable about it, such as expecting them to toughen up on sensory issues instantly rather than gradually.

I don't agree. Pushing a child to do something they don't want to do isn't good, at least things like sports which are not necessary. Sports have more to do with just not being good at them; people with autism can be terrified of the motion of things flying around and people screaming or being watched by lots of people. There might be people like you would benefit from being "pushed" into these types of things but that isn't my experience and that probably goes for some others too.

I think there is a point where some people let their child just do anything, but I don't think that is relevant most of the time. I didn't get help as a child and couldn't even complete school. If people were understanding I'm sure I would have accomplished more and be able to do more things.

Well I'm not talking about pushing a child towards something that child isn't even interested in. I'm talking about life skills in general, such as mental toughness and the will to deal with the obstacles you face rather than having a passive victim mentality.

And you're being vague there. What exactly is it that got in your way of success? The stress from being stigmatized? Well that takes mental toughness too, the ability to keep going on and putting all your efforts into getting what you want despite all the distractions and pressure. It's not something that comes overnight, but in months and years. It's hell to struggle through, but I'm dead serious when I say hard work and mental toughness pays off big time. And that's one hell I no longer struggle through since I've been mentally tough enough to conquer it.

I'm not the type of person who just says things to make people feel better, so I'm not being corny or idealistic when I say hard work pays off. The problem is, you must measure effort in terms of months and years, not weeks. It's not instantly gratifying and it's definitely not easy.

I've actively been thickening my skin from social anxiety for the longest time, and I find that I get much better every year from pulling through in spite of all the pressure, stress, and distractions. Now I'm at a point where I no longer worry about my voice since I project more and mumble less.

I never learnt team work from playing sports because the rest of my team pretty much hated me for being so lousy.
Then my teacher rewarded my lousiness by yelling at me to do laps around the oval.

There needs to be a balance between understanding what someone finds hard and pushing them to do it. These days I get no understanding and get pushed all the time to do things I find uncomfortable.
As a kid I wasn't pushed that much by my family so now as an adult when they push me too much, well, I go over the edge.

No one taught me to be mentally strong. One day I made the decision to get better at things and I stuck it out. That involved weight loss, catching up to my peers in general knowledge (and then passing them), learning methods to help with executive dysfunction and even finding solutions to problems with anxiety. Although I pushed myself too much to get better socially I actually went back 10 or more years in my functioning level. So, you've really got to know what your limits are.

Like sakeri, I feel I would not have been there if I had an excuse not to fight twice more than the other on things that were natural for them.

We often tend to lock ourselves into comfortable routines, and as far as I remember, every time I evolved in my life, it was always a workaround (that did not involved me fighting myself, like: curiosity) that took me out of a comfortable routine. Small successes lead to a greater self confidence.

Today having someone saying I should not do something because I can't is a motivation for me to learn and then do it.

Yeah it's best to push yourself to do a little more than last time rather than expecting to reach 10 years of mastery overnight. It definitely takes a shedload of willpower to not try to tackle everything at once.