Help. I say sarcastic things impulsively, causing conflict.

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I have ADHD and I'm an aspie. I have worked with my best friend for 12 years or so.

My temper, meltdowns etc. got really bad in 2009, and that's what led to my diagnosis.

After a long time, my best friend learned that when I have a meltdown, it helps to hold me. He never wanted to do this before because he felt it was rewarding bad behaviour, and he took it personally if I had such an outburst. He thought I was trying to be horrible to him. Now he understands about calming me in a meltdown, he knows about the sensory stuff, and it really helps.

However, at times when we are talking about a document or something, I suddenly get annoyed at something that he suggests and I react with sarcasm. This hurts him and makes him angry. Sometimes he only tells me the next day how hurt he was.

I have told him that what would help me is if he would hug me and just 'bring me to my senses', make me see reason, as it were, and through his gentleness make me realise that I am being nasty. or even if he were to just put a hand on mine, or just softly and kindly look at me and smile and say to me to be nice, so that I can snap out of it.

He is usually very nice, we care about each other deeply, and hugs are a normal part of our friendship.

But he says that it is unfair of me to expect that of him under those circumstances.

I know it is unfair. I am the one who is sinning. What I am asking for is not for him to tolerate or reward the sin, but to save me from it. It seems as though, because I said the sarcastic thing to him, he (as someone who has been harmed) cannot help me. I am not sure why. I would have done this so easily for him if the roles had been reversed.

What do you think I can do? I can try to pre-empt my impulses, but what about if it does happen?

Why haven't expectations been adjusted? I will give you an example. Years ago, I went to work somewhere and they claimed that one employee was on the autistic spectrum. I was aware that this meant that he would be less restrained in expressing himself honestly particularly if it's a stressful type of affair. The first day there he complained on the telephone to having to share the tasks with a newcomer. I was not at all offended by that because I adjusted my expectations. It therefore does not mean the same thing, the standard is different. Later on I was diagnosed with being on the autistic spectrum so I guess it was easier for me to understand... It's a bit like crime. You have to prove in the court of law the guilty mind, the intention. Your intention is not to belittle your friend. Your friend should better understand and adjust and not judge so much. He may remind you that others may not be so forgiving but those people are not your friends. Perhaps he thinks he is helping you with some kind of reward/punishment regime but it's my own opinion that this is not helpful.

Cut your tongue out you shrew!


(sarcasm)


As you can see, I'm of little help in this area. The best I can offer is to learn to never say the first thing that pops into your head and to be very aware of the company you are in. When you say something sarcastic that everyone finds really funny STOP. Let them remember the funny thing. If you keep going you will push too far and they will remember that.