What is the Asperger's secret?

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Basically what I mean is how on earth do you get to the stage where you live a completely normal life? I see some AS people just casually talking about their relationships and whatnot, like it's nothing. Some People say they don't fit in with the world but it's not true at all. I don't know, it's really hard to put this into words.

Like everyone else with AS seems to be able to do something I can't. Everyone. I feel like there's a secret being hidden away from me which makes me extremely different to other AS people. I know everyone in the world is different to some extent but with me I feel that it's a just a ridiculous level of difference.

Sorry if this is depressing and Haven material but that's not my intention.

I don't think there is a single "secret". It's probably more like, everybody figures out what works for them, how to adjust things and what to learn, and then they hack together a bunch of little skills.

That said, I don't think any of us are really living a "normal life". I don't think we would be happy living one. The ideal state seems to be more like living YOUR life--a satisfying one, with useful activity and meaningful relationships. The people who are twisting themselves out of shape trying to imitate NT are often the ones that burn out later on.

It's not really a choice between burnout and rejection, though. You'd be surprised what differences NTs can be made to accept if they're presented to them in a non-threatening way. NTs are great at connecting; once you learn how to give them a hook to connect to, they naturally start to say, "Ohh, I get it now..." and won't be so intimidated by the autistic/NT gap. The ones who refuse to connect with those who are different--well, they're usually jerks, and you can write them off; you probably don't want to get to know them anyway.

You're kidding, right?

No?

Okay then ... the best I can do is to simulate normalcy for a short time. I took acting lessons, which enable me to assume a favorite role, such as Dr. Daniel Jackson from Stargate: SG1. Then I ask myself "What Would Jackson Do?", and try to act accordingly. My wife can spot this deception right away, and she thinks it's funny. Others rarely catch on, but I can not maintain it for very long.

Even though "Normal" is a broad category, I believe that I can never act "Normal" 24/7.

LIVING a normal life is another matter. I work, earn my pay, pay my bills, take care of my family, stay out of trouble with the law, try to get along with my neighbors, and rarely ever drink to the point of intoxication. Other than that, I haven't a clue.

According to South Park, our problem is that we see the world for what it really is, so everything seems sh***y to us. Coping is done with whatever it takes to make things seem less sh***y. For some it's alcohol, for others it might be nicotine, either from regular cigarettes or the e-cigarette. For others it might be caffeine or a prescribed drug. There may be other answers, too, I don't know.

What do you mean by... "normal life"?

Every ones secret will be different
You have to find what works for you.
The best advice I have ever heard is:
to thine own self be true
know thyself

every thing else is pooh

I don't have a normal life. I sit at home on the computer or watching dvds or playing video games all day.

I'm probably more lost than you, so you at least have the comfort of knowing that!

Acting helped me tremendously, as well, and I've recently got back into it again.
The advice I've received there has been immeasurably-helpful.
"If you believe what you're saying and doing, your audience (that would be the NT person or people you're trying to act un-bizarre around) will, too."
"If you're going to mess up, do it so outrageously, no one will ever know it wasn't intentional."

Etc.

~jazz hands~

I don't know that I have a character I emulate per se, although I do find myself when around people feeling compelled to "hedge" my statements "This might sound silly, but..." "I don't know if this would be a good idea, but...", to sit in a "ladylike" fashion, and be less-direct about trying to make eye contact, all mannerisms associated with women more than men. And when I find myself doing this, I do try to act like my own "natural" self, IE, the way I would act when alone or around my boyfriend or parents, which is more characteristic of men than women.

In my eyes, you don't, but you don't try to. You work on particular aspects that you have interest in.



Someone having a relationship doesn't mean that they don't have challenges or that they have a normal life at all. Some people put more effort into this and focused on this at the expense of other things (which I personally don't understand, but its their choice), others, like me, have gotten lucky in our situation.

Yes, I have a relationship. Yes I am disabled. No, I don't have a normal life. No, I don't even have a normal relationship. But I put no effort into finding anyone else, I didn't go out searching, and my relationship is a large part of my life, as i'm living with my boyfriend. It is something casual to me. I was one of the people who was lucky enough to without going out and searching find someone who isn't actively interested in and supportive of my aspie traits. I was lucky for this to be when I was 17.

On the other hand, finding a way to so much as pay my own rent is something that I struggle with being able to ever do. I struggle to have friendships, I struggle to even take care of myself. It's just that my particular struggle doesn't involve finding someone who loves me.

I used to do something a lot like this, except I created the characters myself.

I think we all have our different strengths and weaknesses. I used to compare myself to other aspies but sometimes the comparisons are not always accurate. Some people can simulate normal, others cant. I cant "put on an act very well", even though I wish I could. I struggle as much as everyone else with forming social contacts. I have trouble with intuition and spontaneous interactions. But yes on the surface, I got friends, Ive had people interested in me, etc. But I still get hated on by plenty of acquaintances, I make bad first impressions and I theorize that half of the female pop dislikes me and some of the male pop. I got good friends but their all scattered. Its hard for me to find a group and get along with most people, cause I just dont clique with most people. Ive literally grabbed into people I saw as potential friends at times. There's not a lot of them out their who get along with me.

Well, it's odd. You sort of have to use your strengths to super overpower your weaknesses. Like, I'm bad at relationships, bad at empathy, bad at being in groups. However, if you see me and meet me, at, let's say, Walmart, you'd probably think I was really cool for a little bit. I dress fairly well, I look good, like "cool" things like cars and stuff. It's only after getting to know me that you're like "wtf." I use my strengths, mainly just sheer determination I have, to get things done. That and I'm a divergent/out of the box thinker, so 90% of the time, I can't do things the normal way, so I compensate and find my own way to get things done. So I guess it's a lot of "adapt and overcome." I know I can't do things the way everyone else does, it's either very hard or impossible for me, so I do them a different way that generally benefits me more and is more practical. Like, if most people were to want to lose weight, they'd go do aerobics, try running, something like that. Me, I just started ice skating, and then lost tons of weight in my pursuit of that without trying terribly hard. Or working on cars, most people go to school for that, me I just got old cars and worked on them. I didn't have money to go to school, didn't care to go to school, so I just found my own way of doing things that worked.

However, I've not found a way to get relationships "working" for me. Someday maybe, someday maybe not. In fact there's a lot of stuff I've not figured out yet how to adapt to. Oh well.

That, and normalness is overrated in society. Think of how many non-eccentric rich people you can think of? Not too many. Rich people are usually pretty not normal. http://www.oddee.com/item_97564.aspx Check out these millionares. They're crazy. But, people wanted what they could offer or they got lucky, and yeah...