HELP! I don't think I am responsible enough to be left alone

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I am 25 and live with my mom. I feel like I am failing epically at taking care of my own basic needs. My mom works during the day and often stays at her girlfriend's house over night. She helps me make lists of things to get done and reminds me to do basic daily tasks (eg: eat, shower, floss, sleep) but left to my own devices it seems that I will always a) spend the entire day online reading stories and looking at funny pictures, or b) go to a friend's house and often get high (no hard drugs, but I am not supposed to be using and she doesn't know I have been). I don't have my own transportation right now or I'd probably be getting into even more trouble, but I am looking at buying a car soon because it is the only way I can get to therapist and doctor's appointments and stuff, since my mom works on weekdays. I don't want this to get worse than it already is. I forget to do the stuff on the lists I make (stuff like scheduling appointments or making phone calls) and forget to do things like eat (I am in recovery from an eating disorder, so it is important I eat a healthy diet), or sleep (it's 4:30 in the morning here, I meant to go to bed 6 hours ago but for some reason my mind or body won't let me, I don't feel tired). I only ever lived on my own once, when I was 19-20 and my then-husband was deployed to Iraq, and it was a total nightmare. He had to come home on emergency leave twice in a 15-month period, because I was neglecting myself to the point of hospitalization. I moved back home with my mom for a few months of it because he couldn't leave me safely on my own. Other than that, I have always lived with either my parents, my husband, a boyfriend or friend, or in a facility (ie: rehab, women's shelter, psych ward). I want to be independent but I'm not sure I ever will be. I have never had a job for more than a couple months, and I have no idea how to do basic adult stuff like manage money, entertain myself appropriately, or maintain any sort of moderation. I am scared and I feel so low, like WHY can't I just do this like a normal person?! I am very intelligent and a good, caring person. I have a 3 year old son who lives with his dad, and I want to be able to be a role model for him someday.

I have no help to offer but I have to point out you are not alone.. which is essentially why I can't help you. I can't help myself. I'm the same way. You woulf think I was smart enough but I lack confidence and I'm 22 I just started therapy and I'm trying to get diagnosed. I forget to do my chores, I get distracted by my interests, forget to eat.. its almost 3AM here and for all I know I'll be up forever. I can barely do simple adult tasks and I can't manage money well at all. I no longer work and to be honest.. I wish I was high right now. But I also.
Don't drive. Thus I can't even get to my friend with the trees. God help us all.

My partner and I can relate. I'm 22, he's 30, but neither of us can seem to remember to do chores around our apartment without the help of a chore chart (with punishment being: no green haha). I don't drive, I've never had a job; though not for lack of trying, and the only thing that makes me go to bed at 2am every night, is that I have to get up with our 3 year old in the morning.

I'm working on getting Dx'd right now, but with a fear of talking on the phone, a very empty wallet, and poor executive function, making myself call the psychologist I have bookmarked and picked out months ago is torture.

Often these failings leave me feeling as though I will never strive in life as those around me seem to do so easily. I have to say it is nice to know I'm not alone, but would anyone care to lift our spirits by sharing an anecdote of how they overcame this time of their life? I'm sure some hope would do us all well.

Don't bash yourself up about it, there are loads of people on here that have been similar in their early twenties, who have felt able to deal with all these things better after a few years.

There is a trend for many to take a 5-10 years longer to fledge. Its not simply Aspies. Italian men and women live with their parents until they are 30 (4 out of ten US 18-30 year olds live with parents, 8 out of ten in Italy) With parents cooking, cleaning and driving them round, etc. Its a cultural thing. For them its a cultural offer too good to refuse, but they do not beat themselves up about it. So find the stories of here of people just like you who then became more independent soon enough.

What kind of help are you looking for?

I'd love to help, but I don't know what I can do.

I've never lived alone but am extremely capable to. I'm married 25 years, a wonderful housewife, a great cook, good mother of four kids, I'm in charge of the house and everything that goes on in it, etc. The only thing I don't do is go out and earn the money, because we had decided after our second child that it would be better for Mom to be at home.

I can tell you how to do the things I do around here. I can give you step by step instructions on how to do anything household, houswork, financial management, shopping, etc that you need. But otherwise I don't know how else I could help.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Well, if it's any consolation I think I'd be in a relatively similar situation if left alone for too long. But here's my thought process on it: Don't panic. We're still young, and so are many of those who are facing these problems, you may learn to outgrow these troubles, or maybe you won't, whatever the outcome, don't worry. Life will turn out however it turns out. I must ask though, are you really unhappy with this these problems? If so, is it because you feel like you have some kind of standards to live up to? How much longer is your family willing to take care of you? I'll wrap this up by restating my earlier advice, don't worry, I know it's hard to do (i'm fighting with it) but it's possible, and you will feel better for it, trust me. I'll help anyway I can though if this advice doesn't help at all.

Whoisbunker

Everytime I see your avatar I have to go to YouTube and watch the video.

On my way now.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

I feel my situation is kinda similar except I have really only lived with family, in college dorms and I stay at friends houses a lot and up until recently I was dating a guy and was over at his house a lot. I can do most simple tasks but I have pretty bad issues with motivation because I have Major Depression and PTSD so sometimes all those simple tasks seem to overwhelming and I'll end up neglecting to take a shower, brush my hair, clean my room and all that stuff. Also, I'm 22 so a bit younger.....But yeah I can't fathom how I would be able to afford to live alone and I feel like I would probably find it much harder than expected, I don't really have job skills and I feel pretty clueless about how i would even begin to function like a typical person my age. Currently I am living at my moms house and I am trying to think about how to get out of there because I just cant deal with how distant we are I mean I feel uncomfortable talking to her about most things because I don't want the criticizm and half the time I feel like I'm a totally different person when I have to deal with her, makes me feel like a deceiver. I also indulge in getting high I need something to reduce the pain all that mental crap causes and it so happens a natural plant works better for me than SSRIs.

Sorry I don't really have any advice, though I imagine if you are planning to buy a car you at least have income, which does make things a bit easier in some ways. Other then that do you and your mom get along? If not are there any other family members or friends that would be willing to help? At this point that is sort of what I am thinking about doing, but knowing me I am quick to help others out and do nice things for them just because its the kind of person I am but sometimes in return I just end up wondering if that's the only reason people tolerate me. Especially since I had some 'friends' in the past pretty much ditch me because I was out of money to spend on the whole group.

i have similar issues. i haven't ever lived completely independently, and when i did i was atrocious at caring for my basic needs properly. i got overwhelmed easily and took shortcuts by eating fast food and snacks.

one idea... is there any possibility that you are profoundly depressed and/or lonely and don't have the energy and motivation to do things? it's a little different from simply forgetting, and it was definitely a big part of my problem. i think if you cast back through your memory you may recall periods in your past when you were able to at least take care of your basic needs. maybe if you feel emotionally unwell in general you might not have the ability to be fully responsible for yourself right now.

in my opinion you need to make a choice to either effectively care for yourself or consider getting other help (i.e. residing in a group home or an assisted living facility). your mother is trying had to help you but she can't force you to take care of yourself, and she needs to be at work without worrying after your safety. if you need someone helping you to that degree then you might want to consider having a nurse or support worker come in and help you, or eventually you might want to reside in a facility where workers help you take care of yourself. OR if you think you are capable of handling these things, then you might need to look at the root causes behind your inability to get the basic things done. it could be emotional, like i said.

another thing is that it appears you are self-medicating with the drugs, but it is pretty reasonable to conclude that it is also sabotaging your efforts to learn to care for yourself. you are escaping from your responsibilities but also affecting your short-term memory - many drugs will cause your executive function to suffer even more.

Thanks for the responses.

I do think I am a little depressed, although not the SAD type of depression, but the "omg this is so pointless why am I even ALIVE?!" sort of depression.

I do have a small income thanks to alimony and my only bills currently are my cell phone and a couple of credit cards, although I do have a few traffic and doctor bills to pay as well, as my insurance likes to refuse to cover things. I am in the midst of applying for disability so hopefully that works out for me.

I am not ashamed, I am just not happy living with my mother, we don't always get along, and she can be bossy sometimes. I don't mind helping her out, and she has been a lot more understanding since I recieved an official diagnosis, but lately I just want *my* s**t *my* way and I'm kinda pissed that I can't seem to achieve that!

I know I'm not responsible enough to live on my own. I'll be living with my mother the rest of her life and I don't know what I'm going to do when she is gone since I can't support myself.

I'm 29, AS/BP and had to move back home almost three years ago because I was incapable of living on my own. At the time I was actively suicidal and, if I'm honest, in the middle of a breakdown when I moved in. For months I felt like an inpatient; it wasn't my place and my mother took care of everything for me. All I did was shuffle around and try to shower every day. I was fired from two jobs due to complications of BP.

At this point I'm on a cocktail of meds that seems to work for me and I'm a hell of a lot better than I was. Now medicated I find myself lost; I still don't have many life skills. Now that I have the AS diagnosis it gives me a bit of a guide of what my problems really are and how to get around them.

You certainly aren't alone. Hang in there.

Hey,

I am not sure whether it helps, but I (23) am exactly the same and I do manage to live on my own for 4 years. I had no choice but to move out at 19. I am unable to buy enough food or to get to bed at an appropriate time. I have problems with paying my bills on time and handling the insurance paper work and many other things. I do not drive. Very often, my apartment looks very neglected and I guess so do I. Once, I even had to go to the hospital, because a lack of fluid led to a circulatory collaps. I further have problems at work, because I do not get along with my colleagues - no matter how hard I try.

Still, I came to the conclusion that living on your own is not something you are just able to do at a certain point of your live. It is something you have to learn. I pay my bills, because I do not want any more trouble with the law, I get up every morning to go to work so that I can pay my bills at the end of the month, I clean my apartment when I cannot stand living in there anymore. Maybe you underestimate your ability to survive on your own. If you can financially manage to do so, why not try to move out? Even if your diet is not as healthy as it used to be for a while, you can survive on fastfood and things you do not have to cook. There are always good times and bad times, but I would not want to miss the luxury of being independent. Maybe you could do it if you just tried it and did not give up even when it gets hard? It gets better after a while.

Little Black Sheep

I'm trying to work out just how independently I could manage to live. I have a lot of issues when left to my own self-care, and living with my family is stressful for so many reasons (like constant noise, people around all the time). Last year I finally had to implement some structure in my daily schedule so I would remember to eat every day rather than get around to it only after I was too hungry to function.

I keep trying to find some distance and work out what I know how to do but can't seem to remember to do versus things I simply have a lot of trouble doing even when I manage to remember. Cooking is a lot more work for me than other people think it really is, and I try to stick to extremely simple foods and avoid as much actual cooking as possible because of confusion and frustration from dealing with recipe-type instructions. On the other hand, I know how to do laundry, but I need to maintain a routine to get it done every time it needs to be done, or else I fall behind. When I described as much as I could to my therapist, she suggested that if I do manage to live alone, to see if I can arrange to have the state pay for someone to help me with activities of daily living. That is an available option that strikes me as more palatable than a group home or other situation that requires housemates or roommates.

Also, left to my own devices (as I usually am) I spend all my time:

1) Online, reading and posting to forums
2) Playing video games
3) Watching Netflix Instant
4) Reading books

Sometimes I get stuck deciding which to do, but when I'm in indecision mode, I still browse forums on autopilot. One forum by itself isn't enough - I can be reading/posting to up to 10-12 at any one time, but I'm usually focused on 2-4 maximum, but that focus can shift around the dozen or so I read regularly.

Whenever I think about trying to change this, the thought of that kind of change actually causes a lot of anxiety.

I've been looking at The ARC ( http://www.thearc.org/ ) recently to see what kind of assistance/information/options they offer. If you live in the US, they might be worth checking out just for the sake of learning what's available.