Covering up the cause of your oddness - white lie

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Jayo
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25 Feb 2012, 10:14 pm

As a person with Aspergers, a tact that I've tried before on a couple of occasions seems to have worked - not in the sense that it won me friends per se, but it helped avert any potential harassment - the tact was, telling people when I first met them (or shortly thereafter) that I'd suffered a head injury from falling down the stairs three years ago, and as a result I still have lapses in short-term memory, speech, and motor skills. I didn't tell them that I have social and non-verbal cognitive deficits though :) because that would likely be suspect. Just keep the symptoms vague, and let them attribute any abnormalities to the head injury, as long as I don't give them cause to suspect that I'm dangerous or nuts.

Using this tactic was also to validate a hypothesis I had, that people tend to look down on those who were "born weird" (in their layperson mindset), because such people are inherently different, or they take the judgemental stance that such people should have overcome their challenges "by now" (hence the enduring perception that Aspergers is mostly a kid's disorder that you are expected to grow out of.) Whereas, if you create the perception that you were always NT but suffered an injury along the way, people are much less likely to judge. Unless those to whom you impart your story are connected to people who knew you before your "injury" or are well-versed in Aspergers/autism, there's little chance you'll get found out.

Another twist would be to say that you'd acquired the injury on the job - just don't say that it was as a firefighter, cop, or military, as that respect should only be reserved for those who actually performed those roles - I wouldn't go there.

One downside of this approach, I suppose, would be it would still not get you success in the dating world (esp. for a guy). Also, I guess you'd have to tell them that you're still going to rehab therapy rather than behavioural counselling..but society seems to hold less stigma in the former.



Tequila
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25 Feb 2012, 10:27 pm

Don't do this. Your lies will be discovered and you will be shunned.



Paulie_C
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26 Feb 2012, 3:21 am

Tequila wrote:
Don't do this. Your lies will be discovered and you will be shunned.


^ This. If people found out you were lying then it's friendship over and nobody you know will be able to trust you again. It's better to either tell them the truth (if they understand, great, if not then do not be friends with them) or not tell them at all. Going down this path may sound like a good solution at first but then where does the lying end? You have to live and maintain the lie and if it does work out for you then the temptation to confabulate further may ensue. Be very wary of this approach.



hanyo
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26 Feb 2012, 3:52 am

I'd rather have them know the truth and hate me for it than like me because of a lie. It would also let me know who is good to avoid because they are a jerk.

It's your choice though and in some circumstances might be helpful to avoid harassment, especially from people you can't avoid.



Stargazer43
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26 Feb 2012, 4:04 am

I think that this is a really bad idea. For one, I never think it's a good idea for your first introduction to someone to be a complete lie. Not to mention, it in effect trivializes people who actually do suffer from these sorts of injuries. Perhaps a better approach, if you feel that you do need to offer people an explanation, might be to tell them the truth, and mention that you do have some social difficulties but that you are working on improving?



rchoc
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26 Feb 2012, 5:56 am

hanyo wrote:
I'd rather have them know the truth and hate me for it than like me because of a lie. It would also let me know who is good to avoid because they are a jerk.


agreed, save yourself the stress.



jcsesecuneta
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26 Feb 2012, 9:49 am

hanyo wrote:
I'd rather have them know the truth and hate me for it than like me because of a lie. It would also let me know who is good to avoid because they are a jerk.

It's your choice though and in some circumstances might be helpful to avoid harassment, especially from people you can't avoid.


^ This.

I wouldn't say you're wrong in your method or anything but I advice in avoiding to use what society calls "white lies". Personally, there are no white lies or pink lies or black lies or gray lies. A lie is a lie is a lie. It goes around… back at you… sooner or later. Secondly, it becomes a habit. Third, you can grow with it. Fourth, you may end up believing your own lies. Remember, a well mastered lie can become true that no lie-detector can or will detect. The reason being, you've lived it. Your brain, memories, body knows it as truth. And the only ones who can tell you it's a lie are the people who know that it is.

I understand why you have to do it. But telling them the truth is and will always be to your advantage. You can filter them out. People who discriminate, people who loves to stereotype, they'll never be your friends. Those who doesn't, you can start to filter out and find true friends who will help and support you.

^^


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kBillingsley
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26 Feb 2012, 11:33 am

I simply tell them a different truth: that is, I tell people that I am not a "people person," and I am asocial most of the time. It is only when the person questioning persists that I tell him/her the whole truth.



CockneyRebel
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26 Feb 2012, 11:54 am

I'd rather be honest with people than tell them that lie. I have nothing to hide, anyways.


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Jayo
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26 Feb 2012, 6:14 pm

Well, I don't know about telling people in advance "I'm not a people person"...that might conjure up images of Jack Nicholson in "As Good as it Gets" 8O and if you were in certain contexts like looking for room-mates, it would probably get you brushed away. On a date or during a job probationary period, it would likely end in failure.

Personally, I don't really see what's wrong with the tactic in certain contexts - like room-mates (which I used once before) or night courses where there was group-work...and I didn't get mocked or harassed - sometimes mildly annoyed, but not much outside the norm for anyone else. If there's no victim of the lie, i.e. I'm not out to scam or defraud them or leach off their kindness through laziness & self-pity (my intent and actions were diligent, keeping to a strong work ethic), then they shouldn't, in theory, be too upset should the truth be revealed.

Sure, they can be offended that I didn't trust them to tell my real story and hence I'm insinuating that they're potential tormentors, but I'm sure they can comprehend the basis for such a decision given past challenges.



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26 Feb 2012, 9:33 pm

I don't even tell them I have anything, unless they get very close to me. I want to be around people who like me for who I am, regardless of why I am that way.



Paulie_C
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27 Feb 2012, 2:18 am

Jayo wrote:
If there's no victim of the lie, i.e. I'm not out to scam or defraud them or leach off their kindness through laziness & self-pity (my intent and actions were diligent, keeping to a strong work ethic), then they shouldn't, in theory, be too upset should the truth be revealed.


You are the victim of the lie. Why should you be made to feel like you have to lie, you shouldn't. However if you think this approach works for you then I wish you the best of luck.



Mithos
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27 Feb 2012, 2:23 am

I fear if I lie to the police that me fidgeting and shaking in public isn't ADHD, I'd get into trouble by tangling myself into a web of lies. The Los Angeles police department are a bunch of rough necks who love to abuse they're power.


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jcsesecuneta
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27 Feb 2012, 2:27 am

Jayo wrote:
Well, I don't know about telling people in advance "I'm not a people person"...that might conjure up images of Jack Nicholson in "As Good as it Gets" 8O and if you were in certain contexts like looking for room-mates, it would probably get you brushed away. On a date or during a job probationary period, it would likely end in failure.

Personally, I don't really see what's wrong with the tactic in certain contexts - like room-mates (which I used once before) or night courses where there was group-work...and I didn't get mocked or harassed - sometimes mildly annoyed, but not much outside the norm for anyone else. If there's no victim of the lie, i.e. I'm not out to scam or defraud them or leach off their kindness through laziness & self-pity (my intent and actions were diligent, keeping to a strong work ethic), then they shouldn't, in theory, be too upset should the truth be revealed.

Sure, they can be offended that I didn't trust them to tell my real story and hence I'm insinuating that they're potential tormentors, but I'm sure they can comprehend the basis for such a decision given past challenges.


I understand your point. But you were told a lie in the first place, wouldn't it be better to combat that lie by telling the truth? ^_^

Additionally, wouldn't it be better if they understand us too instead of us doing all the work? Wouldn't it be better if they also adjust instead of us doing all the adjustments?

We always end up being the ones who needs to "fit in", personally I think they share an equal responsibility and weight to fit themselves in as well. Human Rights and equality. We're not mutants or some alien from outer space. We're still humans, as human as anyone can be, right down our DNA.

Some food for thought ;)

(Just keeping the discussion)


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Jayo
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28 Feb 2012, 8:12 pm

jcsesecuneta wrote:
Jayo wrote:
Well, I don't know about telling people in advance "I'm not a people person"...that might conjure up images of Jack Nicholson in "As Good as it Gets" 8O and if you were in certain contexts like looking for room-mates, it would probably get you brushed away. On a date or during a job probationary period, it would likely end in failure.

Personally, I don't really see what's wrong with the tactic in certain contexts - like room-mates (which I used once before) or night courses where there was group-work...and I didn't get mocked or harassed - sometimes mildly annoyed, but not much outside the norm for anyone else. If there's no victim of the lie, i.e. I'm not out to scam or defraud them or leach off their kindness through laziness & self-pity (my intent and actions were diligent, keeping to a strong work ethic), then they shouldn't, in theory, be too upset should the truth be revealed.

Sure, they can be offended that I didn't trust them to tell my real story and hence I'm insinuating that they're potential tormentors, but I'm sure they can comprehend the basis for such a decision given past challenges.


I understand your point. But you were told a lie in the first place, wouldn't it be better to combat that lie by telling the truth? ^_^

Additionally, wouldn't it be better if they understand us too instead of us doing all the work? Wouldn't it be better if they also adjust instead of us doing all the adjustments?

We always end up being the ones who needs to "fit in", personally I think they share an equal responsibility and weight to fit themselves in as well. Human Rights and equality. We're not mutants or some alien from outer space. We're still humans, as human as anyone can be, right down our DNA.

Some food for thought ;)

(Just keeping the discussion)


Well, that's a very idealistic point, based on matters of pure principle but not practice...I have tried that on a handful of people who obliquely (and sometimes directly) told me that it was my problem, not theirs - and of course the dreaded "you can overcome this if you really want to". So it's small wonder why one would feel compelled to use the "white lie"! ! I agree though, that people should meet us halfway b/c it wasn't our choice to have the biological disposition that we were given on Day 1.



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28 Feb 2012, 8:59 pm

You don't need to cover up anything.

The oddness will be accepted, as long as you remain confident in yourself.

Hiding, deceiving, having low self-worth, that's what causes one to be ostracized. Not your aspieness as such, but what you do because you feel self conscious about your aspieness.

Just let it all out. Keep your head high. Don't be apologetic about your behavior. Make it like it's nothing. Basically high confidence.

And that's really all there is to it. No really. That's the secret to success.

Here's a parallel. Being overweight. Plenty of overweight folks are accepted by their peers. Why? Because they aren't ashamed of being overweight. They may even make a joke or two about it themselves. But if they start sucking in their stomach, or wear baggy clothes to cover it up, or claim that they aren't really overweight, then they will be singled out and ridiculed.