Terrified of the world sometimes?

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Hi

Bit of a strange topic and question, but every now and again, say once a month or so, or if I get ill or if I have to change my routine I get a kind of panic where I just feel terrified of the world. It happens especially the first few days of being abroad or if someone changes my day drastically. The time where it mostly happens is when I off work, (I get school holidays), if I am off for more than two days then I have to create a routine otherwise I almost become agoraphobic and severely depressed.

During these times, which can last a while, I wonder how others can function, what they are thinking. It is like I just cease to function and have no idea how to. I just want to hide under the bed and either stop living at the worst point or sleep through as best I can otherwise.

I feel like I am in a surreal film during these times, for example, like in Edward Scissorhands where the whole street leaves for work at exactly the same time, but that no-one has told me the rules.

This has stopped me going for good jobs in the past as if it happens, then I can barely get through the day. It has stopped me making a firm commitment in a relationship as I worry that one day I will commit suicide as I am so freaked out that I can't take it anymore.

I don't think I have explained this very well, but if anyone has any ideas whether this is an Aspie thing, possible depression thing, then I would appreciate it.

Thanks for reading.

Bonafan

It's probably more of a depression/anxiety thing, because I've spoken to some other people who suffer with depression and/or anxiety, and they feel the same.

And I know what you mean. Sometimes I feel scared of life, like I can't go on, and I just want to take to my bed for the rest of my life and never want to be part of society and just watch films and practically start a new life in my films and leave all my worries behind and never look back at them again. But I know that isn't possible, I can't just do that, it wouldn't really do me any good at all, I'll just turn into a burden for other people and I'm not disabled enough to live on benefits so I have no choice but to go out there and be part of society. Anyway, there would be a few things I'd miss if I did decide to never be part of normal society again, things like getting the bus, meeting friends, trying out new things, etc. I'm healthy, I don't entirely lack social skills so I do have a lot to live for, but it's still hard.

I just get jealous of old-aged-pensioners, especially those who are in their early 60s who are still healthy enough, because they have just retired from work and don't have to worry about that any more if they don't want to, and can just please themselves. This depresses me because they are raising the retirement, and I keep on hearing people saying that by the time I have reached 60, the retirement age would be raised to about 75 or more, so I'll never be able to retire really. It's not fair.

OK, sorry to keep on, but I've thought of something else that might be in relation to the thread. I'm scared of existing things. I get scared of things like buildings catching fire, and I find it disturbing and even very saddening when people are taking the building and all the objects in it for granted, and then suddenly one day a fire breaks out in the building and everyone escapes the building and leave the poor objects to burn and the poor building to burn down, and I feel more sorry for the objects and the building than the people escaping it. Actually, I'd panic if a person was trapped in the building, but when everyone's escaped, I always wish there was a way the objects can escape aswell. Also I worry about my house catching fire, because some of my possessions are ''once in a lifetime'' type of thing, so if I lost them then I'll never be able to get another one the same. A lot of things I have are sendimental value and no fire is going to part me from them.

I just hate the way fires can occur so unpredictally. Also, I just find everything so scary. Like the other day when I got the train, it kind of scared me when it was approaching, because I wondered how much people take it for granted, and then if it crashed or got rid of, it'd all be forgotten like it never existed, and the railway station would become all abandoned (unless development got built on it). Also things like the Titanic scares me, like all those people on it were using it, and now it's been 100 years exactly since it sunk and it's just been sitting there at the bottom of the ocean ever since, all abandoned and forgotten and no good to nobody. It all just scares me for some reason.

Also, the feelings that I'm not safe anywhere also worries me. I don't even feel safe in my own house - I keep on thinking that somebody's going to break in and carry a knife and go to stab me or my family before we have a chance to get away. It just frightens me, and makes me wish I could live in a metal suit like a knight. Then I'd feel more safe.

Firstly, thank you for your detailed replies, its helpful to know that I am not alone.

And, wow! Your second reply...I never knew anyone thought the same as me in terms of objects being safe and people treating them well.
I always think that objects are alive, somehow. I find it really hard to throw things away because of this, especially things with faces on like soft toys etc. Toy Story makes this worse! I wonder if there is a way around this, to be able to just treat and think of objects like any other person would. I did a cleaning job and the bins were always full of really good unbroken things and I had to get my supervisor to throw them out!

Thanks so much for your replies!

Was thinking as well, in regards to you not feeling safe in your house, is that just at night or all the time? Would making the front door creak so you hear it help? I sometimes worry about that too!

I also get terrified of the world at times, and sometimes it gets to the stage where I just stay in bed most of the day because I can't face the world. It's depression - and it can feel totally overwhelming whilst also numbing the feelings, so you can't engage with anything. It can sap your energy, make you weepy or over emotional and can distort the way you think at times.

It sounds to me like you may be struggling with depression , and if so I would recommend you see your doctor if you haven't already. Describe how you feel and the impact it's having on your life - and try not to put on a brave face and pretend that everything's OK really!

It may be that your depression stems from anxiety, which in turn may be related to being an aspie. If you need routines etc and these are taken away from you, it can make you feel that you have no control over the situation and this can cause anxiety. Being anxious can in time lead to depression, especially if you value control and feel powerless.

yes, I get that too. I've never told anyone because it is really strong sometimes. Certain things tend to trigger it, like a change, travel, etc. a lot like you said. It's like my subconscious suddenly rules my consciousness or something. I have a few special objects that are small enough to put in a backpack style purse which I take with me all the time. One of them for example is a smooth little piece of beach glass from many years ago. I went on a trip a couple weeks back and I was under control for parts of the trip and other parts were completely horrible and I couldn't wait to get back home to relative safety.

I have depression and anxiety and I experience a fear of the world more often than not, but it seems to happen after I've been in the world for a while, become overwhelmed, shutdown and then become afraid to try again. When I was volunteering at a library, I could go once a week, but if I was sick one week and didn't go, the next week I would get scared to go back. If I let this fear control me, I might not go back the next week, either, and then it would just progress from there if I let it.
I lived alove for a year and during that time I spent many days needing to go out but I was too terrified to open the door, I would hide in my apartment and panic everytime I heard doors closing or someone knocking. For me, I'm not as scared of someone coming in and hurting me, I'm scared of someone entering my world and demanding a social response. I was scared to meet a neighbor on the stairway and have them look at me or have to exchange greetings. I was scared to be seen on the streets by people I knew because they might toot the horn at me or yell at me or force me to pay attention to them in some way. And being so frightened of people kept me locked away wanting to just sleep or die or just not exist so I wouldn't have to suffer the pain it caused me.
I don't function well at all during these episodes. Routines are very helpful and I'm not immobilized by fear as much if I know exactly what I'm doing and why, and it also helps if someone involves me in a schedule because I have a hard time creating my own.

I live alone and I'm scared of being robbed. I've had some pretty bad dreams about it.

Yes, the world frightens me from time to time.
It feels weird to leave my home and face it... like the surreal feeling you mentioned. Sometimes it's ok though.