People's reactions to finding out you have Asperger's...

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I just recently found out I have Asperger's, and I haven't told anyone except my sister... nobody else in my entire life knows, not even our mother. To be honest, I can't seem to decide if I'm OK with anyone else knowing just yet.

I began to think it would be OK if people knew because all of a sudden I’d have a reason for why I am the way I am, why I’m just so different from everyone else, and why I just can’t seem to get this “being social” thing right, no matter how much I learn or how hard I try. But then again, I thought that I don’t want them to know because I don’t wanna have to have some excuse for why I am the way I am, and that there’s nothing wrong with being something different from the crowd.

But then again I thought that it would be OK if they knew because then maybe people would stop thinking that I’m just some kind of idiot or mental case for not fitting into the usual idea of social normalcy and that they’d stop pressuring me to do so and just let me be friggin’ me for once. But then again I thought that I didn’t want them to know because I don’t want people looking at me with this thing in the back of their minds that’s saying to them, “Just let her go, she has Asperger’s,” and thinking that they have to look at me, talk to me, and think of me any differently than they would if I was like them… and having to deal with the stigma of people knowing that there’s something “different” about me and thinking of me as being mentally lesser because of it, despite an IQ tested at 150.

I guess my biggest thing is that I just don't think I can deal with people who have not much of a clue as to what Asperger's even is... which tends to be a vast majority of the general population... who make assumptions that aren't even remotely close to true and then treat me accordingly. I'm already dealing with people thinking I'm some kinda weirdo, and that hurts enough on its own, but I just don't know whether or not it's going to improve the situation by letting the fact that I have Asperger's go public.

If you've ever found yourself in this situation where people "knew" you were "weird," but then were informed that you had Asperger's, what kinds of reactions did you find yourself getting from different kinds of people in your life? Were they good? Bad? Indifferent? Etc.? And did you find that there are people who you can clearly see are pretending to treat you normally, while making it obvious that they're thinking of you as mentally lesser just because you have Asperger's?

Good luck. I wouldn't even bother telling my family if I were to be diagnosed. 1. they are mainly composed of extroverted dullards who aren't knowledgeable or open enough to produce any kind of positive net results from this, 2. they already treat me like most of society does, a complete inability to relate to me and understand why I'm different, this would probably confirm their beliefs that I am inherently different and result in patronizing me as you mention, 3. if they had any intent to understand me they would have done a bit of thinking/research on it in the first place, instead of just pooping out the symptoms and attributing them to things about me I can actually change; this knowledge would threaten their ego because they would see how drastically wrong they have been in assuming that I just don't have a significant, physiologically different basis of my behavior instead of the conscious choices they assume I make for whatever reason they come up with, largely revolving around the presupposition that everybody is "normal" because they are.

Well, it is not a common disorder and so most people will not really know what it means. Even if you tell them that is is a form of autism, how many people will really know what autism is outside of the movie "Rainman"? To them, it means you like to do odd stims and ignore the existence of all other lifeforms and when you don't act that way, you are suddenly full of crap.

I think the reactions you get will depend on who you ask. I am not certain I have it as I have no formal diagnosis, but have shared my suspicions with those who know me. Some of the people who are closest to me say it makes too much sense not to be true while some do not believe it could be true. One friend told me that I didn't have it and that I was "just an as*hole", then proceeded to tell me that I am an as*hole because of the personality traits that I have that are classic Asperger's. My mom disagreed with me at first but now believes that I am correct. One person I was asking guessed I suspected Asperger's before I even got the words out. My best friend, whose son is on the high functioning end of the spectrum said it is definitely true and that me and his son are very similar. So there you have it. Those are my experiences but I would suspect that others have similar stories to tell.

When I was first suspected of having it by a friend in late 2009, I had no idea what it was :S

I suppose it comes down to how badly/obvious you are affected by it. I read that most benefit telling people. Personally though, people knowing I had aspegers absolutely ruined my life. Here's why:

Having a feeling of anger is now a meltdown.

Having a bad day is now considered depression.

Everyone else in my physics class is there because their passionate about physics, I have to be there because of an "obsession" (I don't even like physics, it's just what I'm good at).

making a mistake in a social situation is no longer just that, it means I'm totally hopeless at every and all social interactions.

Having an argument with someone is no longer because I consider that person a total pillock, but because I have aspergers and I'm 100% at fault each time without fail.

My opinions are no longer valid, because their the output of an autistic mental process and almost by definition therefor erratic.

There has been no one who didn't change their attitude towards me after finding out I had aspergers. I spend my time not trying to overcome aspergers but peoples perception of aspergers.

I no longer talk to anyone in my family because of all those points listed above. They think I wont talk to them because of aspergers, ironically I won't talk to them because they think I have aspergers.

This happens so often I can even predict when it will happen. Most people who read my last paragraph will consider it denial, because i have the aspergers label...sigh

when i told my parents they were so weird about it. Almost like they did not belive me. My dad did not know what asperger is, so i sent him a link with some facts that i found online. I really wanted them to understand and maybe even be a little suportive,but they just dont get it.

luckely my housband reacted much better. I told him where he could find more information an he said "i dont need to read all about asperges. I kvow you, and nothing will change that." i think he read something when i was not looking, but it was very sweet.

I dont have any real friend, but since i have a outgoing social housband i have some people in my life. Most of them did not understand at all and they have been no help at all.

But i do belive in telling it like it is!

I think you are wrong in saying you have no real friends. To me, it sounds like your husband is a real friend to you and that is much more than many people have.

Well, a friend only knows (he must have missed me saying something on Facebook) because I asked him for advice. He said that he's not surprised.

There is one person I have really been put of telling. She claims Autism is over diagnosed and "it didn't exist in my day". She called a young child who had a tantrum a spoilt brat. Ok, maybe the child is a spoilt brat; but we don't know that. It is possible that she was in fact having sensory overload.

When I was first researching it, I told my brother and he said "yep, that's definitely you" and told me later there's no need for a formal diagnosis. I have mentioned to a few at work who understand Autism and all told me its highly likely I have it and used examples of things I had no idea I did. I'm not planning on telling my parents because my mother would just say "don't be silly you are just shy. There is nothing wrong with you"" and my father would do what he always does: go into denial because he is a classic Aspie as well.

reactions vary on who you tell. my family reacted by dismissing my opinions and treating me in much the same way as cherrycokes did, calling me a ret*d and telling me im diseased. an exfriend seemed ok with it but then she started stereotyping me and dismissed my opinions based on my ASD. the most(and only) positive reaction was from my comrade who was more than fine with it. even said he wished he could focus on things like i did with my SI. i was quite taken aback at not being called a ret*d again. not that i expected him to be a dirtbag. again it just depends on what the person is like. how close they are to you doesnt make a difference. the main thing that was different between the last guy and the others is that he was very left wing and the rest were very right wing.

My husband and I (both aspies) told a few people in our families. Our siblings generally disagreed, despite the fact that they know nothing about it. One sibling even started talking about chromosomes in an effort to "prove" us wrong. Grandmother in-law was "interested" because she's a psychologist, and her son (father in law) who I'm 99% sure has it as well was "interested" but tried to blow it off as a "useless label" until we explained how much help is attached to the label (books). So far, he's been the most supportive, likely because we provided with him with an answer to his own life-long questions.

When I diagnosed, no one explained it to me. I just thought it had to be pretty horrible if no one is even talking about it, but shunting me off to different psychologists. I felt like I had received the "lost cause" stamp on my forehead suddenly. There are times when I do have a lack of response, and I think that was confused with a lack of engagement or even comprehension.
Today, I never really mention autism. The very few times I have is when there is some understanding about it.

Diagnosed as an adult, which strikes me as being kind of ridiculous because there was so much there: Childhood mutism, no socializing/friend-making; tremendous special interests; very analytical, precise and pedantic in communication; literalism; motor skill issues; etc, etc. I come from a family of people who tend to be on the reserved side however, so most of the reactions I got from them, at least initially tended to be dismissive: "Oh, I'm shy too," and so on. I'm getting a lot more support from one sister, who has kids with ADHD and who seems to have actual openness and curiosity about it. I don't live in close proximity to my family or talk to them much. And my brothers and sisters are much older than me, so they don't really know me as a peer on a social level, and haven't had much of that kind of experience interacting with me. My partner on the other hand when reading literature related to AS has consistently told me, "There is no way you do not have this," and is very helpful and supportive. I don't really have "friends" per se that I hang out with, do activities with and that sort of thing, so other reactions aren't really that significant to me.

Somebody who knows what I mean Reminds me of the episode of House where Wilson contends "no, you're just a jerk." before the severely autistic boy acknowledges House's presence and gives him his video game. Just goes to show how great the divide is between NT and ASD, that there is a true, mutual misunderstanding at the very core.

I can definitely identify with this as well. People will try to patronize you. I say I "don't have friends"--in the sense that I get together with people and do things with them. However I do "talk" to people--usually online, but I tend to talk a lot about things that interest me and get into conversations with people that they just have to cut off because they are never as interested in the issue as I am... At any rate I'd be lying to say that I didn't feel patronized or treated in a coddling or childlike way by some people that I've told about this.

"There, there... Are we having a bad day?" Of course this is not overtly what they say, but this is very much the sense I get sometimes. And it drives me up the wall. The thing is, this happens when there is an actual factual thing that that someone will just be WRONG about and they won't admit it--they pull this idea out to justify to themselves that they don't need to bother too much with the on-topic point I'm making. Again tremendously irritating. The thing is everyone wants to feel superior, like they are "at the top" of capacities. Since I have "a disability" they could not possibly be at fault, wrong, etc.

So from this standpoint I really agree with what this person says. However, overall I'm content that I have the diagnosis. I don't feel like it's a big secret that I should have to keep from people. I think I'm doing the right thing, and the problem is other people's own insecurities and ignorance. I think it's like of like with being gay "if people actually come out, things will change". So from that standpoint, I personally feel like I kind of have an obligation not to be "closeted" about it, because that's kind of selfish and allows ignorance to remain unchecked, in turn making life harder for other people.

If I were just diagnosed today, and were to tell my family, I imagine I would receive a blank stare. Even though there's a lot more awareness of AS nowadays that number is still remarkably few.