I am a bit like, an alcoholic who goes through stages of selfdenial and having been on Wrongplanet for a year in 2008: engrossed with it and so introspective I was...then came the time I wanted to go away from it, I thought it was morbid thing, selfcenterd thing or making me even more depressed, to be on it everyday, it had become an obsession.
Then 3 years later, things have happend, my dad passed away, a tough one to crack, I was a continent and an ocean away when he died.
The I realised how difficult it was to cope with my symptoms of witdrawl, isolation, No friends, moaning at the reception of each and every footmovement on the landing of the floor in the hotel where I lived for 8 months (in Phnomh Penh as a teacher of English). The hotel was more of massageparlour which was a cover up for escort-girls.
I after my contract finished there, I went to my base in England to live with my friend who had observed me for a year when I taught in Thailand (2006), and saw that something was not 'normal' with me, anxieties, meltdowns, sometimes to the point I would have beaten her, I wanted to be alone and yet not, so at home we had clashes too. Then despite all she wanted to travel with me to South America, she agreed to 3 months, but things changed and we got stuck together for a year, which again provided us with the many dramas and meltdowns, she was my mentor ans solace sometimes in counceling me when I was to give up and so morose I thought of suicide a lot.
I am back because I read some topics that were new too, and mostly because I did find some help here if only in recognising what i feel and go through like so many of you, and find some more answers about myself. But also lately I have been able to observe my mum who is 82 now, and comparing and reminsicing of how my dad ridiucled her for anything that now when I hear it again in my head were critiscisms of Asperger traits. He devastaed my and her life with those insults and domestic abuse...and yet I had to forgive him over the phone long distance call.
So, I know my mum is too, but too late to tell her. I told my sisters, but they don't want to know, especially they don't want me to say it in front of their husbands. It is like I speak of the plague. Only last year my eldest sister fianlly admitted that my gosdon, her son, is autistic too. I was stunned and asked her why she never told me that since I was a godfather of his. She bluntly said she had no obligation. We have not been good and understanding for each other for years,but that's a different story.
They say I am no doctor and I have no right to think that. But I hear how my son struggles too, ( I am separated from my friend since 1999, no not the one I travel with)and now I start seeing the struggles my daughter goes through in making friends. She want to be loved, she is shouting it out on Facebook through whatever means to get attention from her friends and she look ans sounds do immature despite her 23 years of age,
But you see, I see the connections now in my own family and my uncles and so on. I phone my mum every week from Peru..and my heart breaks taht I cannot be there everyday to visit her...and I'd nearly kill myself knowing she might die any day...sounds stupid, no. Because you will say that she is already 82...but when I see how my siblings treat her as a child and don't want to heed my hints...
Anyway...I am back because I need this forum to see that I am not alone in this.
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Your Aspie score: 152 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 48 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
10 Dec 2012, 10:58 pm
