the dilemma in not reacting when people are really mean

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It's a really big paradox I can't solve and it's driving me literally crazy.
Every single time sometimes treats me like s**t, I decide to react the next time, and defend myself or treat them just like they treated me. And there are and have been a very very large number of situations where people treat me worse than a stray dog. I seem to be an a**hole-magnet.

The problem is, I never react. I just let them do whatever they want to do with me and get away with it. No matter how determined I am to do that, when s**t actually happens (again and again), I just let them say and do whatever they want, and wait until the ordeal is over.

I don't quite know why it's this way, but I suppose it has numerous reasons at the same time. One is I don't want the situation to get worse than it's already. Another is that I'm concerned that I might hurt the persons feelings (really!). And the third is I kind of go into the state of catatonia and do whatever they want without any resistance.

Another problem is that I actually expect to be treated kind of like a human being at least every once in a while, and that just doesn't happen. I mean I could just not care, but obviously that's not working for me because I get really angry afterwards.
And my moral values prevent me from reacting in any way. I mean, if I just get defensive, I'm just like the person who is treating me badly, and that's below my dignity. But the "predators" take that as an invitation to destroy me even more, or just think that I'm dumb and don't get it. While in reality, I see and get EVERYTHING.

So it seems to me that there is no solution at all, (sarcasm start->) with the exception of very strong sedatives or street drugs. (sarcasm end<-)

Any Idea how I could make my social life less miserable? how do you handel these kind of situation?

I wish I could help, but unfortunately I have the same problem. It has something to do with being assertive. Or in our case not assertive. When someone says something awful to me, I just sort of freeze and say nothing. I will even take on a submissive attitude. Afterwards (at home), much later, I start to rage and go crazy about it. Then I know exactly what I should have done or said.

I don't know how to solve this. I avoid people to avoid such situations. Maybe there might be a training for it, a training to become more assertive, but I'm sure it will involve role-play s**t and I am definitely NOT doing that.

So I avoid people. No people, no bullying and no harassment.

It's not always a lack of assertiveness either, for me. My "processing" of social events can be so slow sometimes that I don't realise until after it's all over that the other person did something mean. I only discovered in adulthood just how much I had been bullied in school - my lack of social awareness was such that I simply accepted it as normal, and my place in the world. Rather than the bullies making me feel angry or persecuted, they just made me bewildered at how illogical human behaviour was. If I hadn't seen a counsellor for other reasons, I would never have realised that I had internalised so many self-esteem problems because it

I think I understand. For me it's different, because despite ASD, I can "read" other people's intentions quite good. So I know very quickly what they are doing or meaning. I just don't know how to react.

I wonder : how did you then know that someone had done something mean to you after it was all over ? Did you feel it in the end ? Did someone tell you ? Obviously there was a trigger somewhere that made you realize something was not quite right...

Self-esteem problems, I think we're all struggling with that. And everyone tries to solve it in his/her own way. Not always the right way. You can escape in alcohol or medication, drugs. I am trying to work with an auti-coach right now, to help me with what he calls "clearly defined and limited social interaction". So I can have some social contact but a limited edition of it, with people I can relate to. I'm very, véry curious about what that will be.

I am surprised that someone in his 30s is still getting bullied; I view that as more of a school-age phenomenon. Omid, can you give an example of "mean" treatment? Perhaps certain aspects of your behavior or appearance are particularly likely to elicit it. You could then choose to maintain or modify those aspects, as a rational choice.

I taught myself assertiveness behaviors from a book, and I'm glad I did. A colleague once shocked me by pointing to my superior social skills. I knew better and told her that my social skills were definitely inferior to hers, "but thanks for the compliment," but if she was referring to anything, it must have been assertiveness and apparent self-assurance.

Omid, I still don't have an idea of the circumstances where the bullying is happening. Is it strangers you meet out in the world, on the street or in a business? Is it co-workers, or neighbors? And what do they actually do?

I would still like to hear the particulars (just one or two examples) but what I am going to recommend is that you take steps to build some alliances. So, if this is at work, develop some workplace friendships as well as discussing it with managers. If it is neighbors, you might want to volunteer for a community organization.

Reacting with anger to a bully is probably counterproductive (at your current age). But possibly you can confront them in a different way, but I'd want to hear the details before I suggest anything.

I can imagine what you're saying. Someone says something to you at work say, but lays a putdown of you between the lines, and you don't get it until two days later. Or maybe you do get it at the time, but don't know how to react.

In the cases where you DO get it about all you can do is ...look the person in the eye and say "BITE me!".

At least that's what Americans of the male persuasion can say. Don't know if Germans have that expression. But you all probably have something equivalent to it.

That usually diffuses it.

But if the bullying continues then you have to take it to official channels.

And if its a delayed reaction thing that you don't "get" then there isn't much you can do except to try to learn from it for the future.

Me too. I'm so full of information happening around me that it only actually bothers me hours later. When it finally does bother me, it doesn't go away because the entire insult unfolds in my head. It's like we're designed to avoid confrontation, but then the more passive I act, the more people want to touch me.

Tell them to f**k off. You talk about this fear of escalation, if they really were to escalate which is violence btw, use self defense I mean you got the law on your side for that.