Being boring...

Post Reply New Topic

I made this reply (quoted below) to Weinmans thread about self confidence (hope he does not mind my referencing his thread in this thread), however this thread is not so much about self confidence and how to improve it but about the points I have highlighted in bold regarding a digression I made about the nature and concept of 'being boring':

PN I am not implying Weinman is boring by linking the two, I merely digressed whilst making a reply to his thread as boring is often something people who lack confidence think of themselves as being.

Without feeling like I am going to grade you on your work, can you please discuss the nature of 'being boring' in relation to the bolded text above.

Being boring is a concept invented by NTs who need company, because if they do not get that they get depressed. Claiming someone to be boring is simple peer pressure intended to make that person give up their true nature to fulfill the needs of those NTs.

Solution: don't give a f**k about whether someone thinks you are boring or not.

It seems to me that people can get tired of their own routines and may then meaningfully say they are bored with themselves.

But the other idea has to do with perspective taking. I don't talk about my special interests nearly as much as I would like to because I know most other people can't get into them, wouldn't enjoy hearing me go on about them, and would find my conversation boring if I did.

They would say I was boring. If you bore people repeatedly, a consensus emerges in that social circle that you are boring. That consensus is a social fact. Being aware of it is a necessary part of adjusting your behavior to change it.

Why adjust your behavior for them? Because to knowingly bore people is the work of an as*hole. Because you care about them and don't wish to cause negative feelings in them. Because you hope to have some positive social experience with them and know that such experiences emerge from mutual good will.

I went to a party with my wife last night and circumstances arose that meant she had to leave me there for quite a while on my own with people who are her friends. They may also be my friends, but I have no confidence in this. I like them, but I often feel awkward and unsure if what to do or say around them.

There were many moments when I was on the periphery of a conversation and could barely keep up wih the fluid way these people shifted around topics and navigated subtexts. And at times I felt almost like an inanimate object compared to them. I found myself on the periphery of a small group, unable to join in the conversation for some minutes. Weird and a bit uncomfortable for everyone involved.

I was inhibited from discussing my interests because I know that while I can engage people with a brief, passionate exposition of the most interesting bits, people would be bored if I went on about those things.

I was inhibited from just joining in the flow of their conversation because I am aware that there is some content, some cues, that I might not be getting and I don't want to make huge blunders.

So I did some things that seem to work reasonably well to get through these situations:

Asked for more detail about the things they were describing. People love to feel that real attention is on them and I have plenty of focus to share.

Made jokes that showed engagement in their narratives. People like anything that makes them laugh, particularly if the humor indicates some sharing of perspective.

Told short related stories about personal experiences that I thought were related to what they were discussing--either directly or in some sort of emotional,or experiential analog. As long as this kind of narrative sharing is brief enough and related enough to their topics, people find this interesting.

When I found I couldn't use these techniques for an extended period, I would shift attention to another group and try to engage in a different converation.

I got through it ok and in the end really enjoyed the evening, despite that fish out of water feeling when I arrived and some long uncomfortable bits when I was sort of circulating around unable to join in anything...

People seemed to have enjoyed my company well enough that they were not being completely insincere when they embraced me as we made our farewells.

Awareness of when and how I can bore other people is a key part of finding the right balance between sharing my thoughts and ideas with people in a way that creates a mutually positive experience and irritating and alienating people by my obtuse and self-serving focus.

Hopefully, by relating these ideas and experiences I have illustrated two ideas:

1) You can be boring and know that you are boring despite finding your own thoughts fascinating.

2) Such awareness of social consensus can help you to modify your behavior in ways that will improve your social experiences.

I hope these remarks are not totally off topic and can advance the line of thinking you wanted pursue in opening this thread.

What if they bore you? Is it fair on you to have to listen to hours of someone talking on and on about their social escapades or laundry for example when you are not allowed to rattle on about what you are passionate about?

Are we talking about people you care about or random strangers on the street or a circle of acquaintances?

Would it not be better to find people who share your interests to hang around with? Compatible people.

I don't believe there are boring people, just incompatible people.

Personally, if a person is passionate about their interests and I like the sound of their voice I will listen to them rattling on and on and about something they love whether I like the subject or not. Why? Because I think true passion for anything is a wonderful thing to see and I enjoy seeing it. They could be talking about the mating life of snails and I'd listen to them.

Its the mundane stuff that bores me personally...all the obsession with peoples personal lives in the form of who said what to whom and how many social points they get for that or how cool it makes them. These things mean little to me.

I care about the welfare of people in general and will stop and help anyone who needs it if I can, I am not a cold person, just not interested in laundry, personal or otherwise. More into sharks and piano at the moment but have had so many interests in the past that I once loved that I am happy to get back into those too.



I think it should be ok for you to stand there quietly if that is what you want to do or if you don't have anything to say.



I do do that but it doesn't work for me. People seem friendly at first but then go cold. I also don't know what social cues I am not reading..I actually think I am reading things correctly which makes it difficult for me to understand what I have done wrong. I also often find that people interpret things very differently to me.

Ie if i see someone passionately speaking about their interests I find it adorable and endearing even if they go on for a bit. I also like to listen if their interest is obscure or bizarre or different to the usual hobbies people have. They often become animated in their own way, even aspies. Other people on the other hand seem to get increasingly annoyed, something they will often tell you after the fact in the form of a complaint.

Ergo I don't socialise well..I like things other people don't it seems.



That is true, although most of my jokes are missed. I won't become a stand up comedian anytime soon.



Sounds like you had a good evening.



Your lines of thought fit the thread perfectly.

I made a double post by mistake. My apologies.

Last edited by bumble on 12 Jan 2014, 10:21 am, edited 1 time in total.

GET A HOBBY.

I have a hobby Several of them.

It is, as long as the people you are being silent with are your good friends. If they are a mix of friends and people you don't know or barely know, then it's weird and potentially creepy.

There is a whole system of signals and counter signals that establish people's attitudes, intents and positions in this kind of situation and we, by definition, don't get most of that. I get some of it, but it's like a conversation in another room: I know people are talking, but I can only make out a few words from the loudest speakers. So I am faking my way through it, trying not to alienate anyone.

If I just stood there it would seem to the other people in the room like a dangerous response to their signals. Totally outside the range of expected responses, non-response is an unknown. The unknown contains the possibility of incalculable threat. People are annoyed and troubled by this. They will wish the silent non-communicator would go away so they could get on with their conversation without having to worry about what the weirdo means and intends.


It's the consensus thing. They are doing something together, mutually arriving at what topics to discuss and how much to go into them.

It's like a folk dance. You can join the dance and follow the steps as best you can, perhaps just not being the best dancer. Or you can watch from the side of the room. But you can't walk through the lines of people dancing, pushing others aside, and start doing your Tai Chi practice just because it's what you feel like. That would be rude.

They often do talk about things that bore me. This is also a time to circulate around the rooms, hoping to find a more congenial conversation somewhere, or a person I like and think likes me, so I can at least be a bit more relaxed, being with that person. Sometimes if they are talking about something boring, I can listen to what they are saying through the filter of one of my interests and think about the psychological forces at work behind the conversations… That can make it less boring for me.



People I care about and their circle of acquaintances They are people I who share some of my interests, but are not as deeply interested, perhaps. I think these are compatible people, they are individuals, though, not clones of me.


I mostly agree with this, though there are some subjects that are like anti-interests. I know people who are really, deeply, passionately interested in shoes, for example. No amount of enthusiasm on their part will make this subject anything but boring for me, even if I pull out every trick I have and look at the subject through psychological, historical or sociological lenses… BORING!

That is because these stories are mostly subtext that you and I have trouble perceiving and interpreting. These stories are about the feelings people have for one another and their victories and defeats in the social contests they engage in.

I am often bored by this stuff because I don't see the importance of it until it's explained to me. I do recognize that this is vitally important to them, though and I can't begrudge them that interest. A round of chit chat of this kind to them is like a good game of Halo (or some other multiplayer game) for me.

That laundry is the warp and weave of their lives. Essential and important stuff. Sharks are cool! Do you check Ocearch daily?

I am into meteorology, exoplanets and psychology these days. The relationship between weather and climate and observations of atmospheric phenomena on other planets is particularly interesting, to me. I know that most people's patience with these subjects is very limited though! I choose not to talk about them unless someone else brings them up, and then only in moderation, because I don't want to be boring!


I have a similar experience. I can get to a certain place with those techniques, but then there is another level they want you to go with them, and the handshaking/protocol setting part is totally beyond me and I can't joint them on that deeper level. I know that something is expected of me that I am unable to respond to correctly and that is frustrating. I can often get through this by trying hard to care about what they are saying and being more open about my own feelings and interests--but this is just as likely to be the wrong thing...


I agree with everything you say here.

It is subjective, like anything. We are from two different planets in regards to NTs. We often fail to grasp why things like being 'socially boring' even matter, but to NTs this is everything, it supercedes all accomplishments in their lives, they would much rather be around a "cool" person who has accomplished nothing and has no intellectual capacity, rather than be around a very intelligent and successful aspie, for example.

When you begin to realize that most NTs care very little about their jobs and what they studied in college, you begin to question how society is even as far along as it is. I have been told by many NTs that they regret their career field decisions. While people on the spectrum can certainly hate their jobs as well, I notice from posts on WP that many of us seem to try hard to make careers or jobs match up with our special interests, as well as put us in environments that we feel we can peacefully exist in. NTs seem to be willing to make illogical personal compromises about their careers and then they end up hating them. I feel this is relevant to the topic of being 'boring' because I believe when people are not in a career they genuinely enjoy, their lives quickly lose meaning and I think this is a big reason why NTs will place so much value on partying, gossip and celebrity worship, they tend to like anything that helps them forget about their obligations and jobs.

On the other hand, people on the spectrum, for the most part, seem to do a lot to try to ensure these situations do not happen to them. While not all of us find employment related to our special interest or hobby, most of us seem to keep trying to achieve this goal, NTs just sort of settle. So, I firmly believe this is most likely why NTs are so very quick to judge people as being boring or cool within a few minutes of meeting them and they never care to discuss the topics that interest us spectrum people. While I can rant pretty much endlessly about sciences and technology, I think NTs, even if they have a good grasp of these subjects, still consider them to be "work" subjects that they do not want to deal with while they're not at work. An aspie like me wants to talk about it all the time though.

And as for myself, I am definitely boring in the eyes of typical NTs, I've been told such things my entire life, it's either 'boring' or 'weird' being used to describe me. One time I got on a speech about theories behind time travel and all my work colleagues either got completely lost or insulted me about it. I don't know what their thought processes were, most of the popular men who were listening just made snarky comments which I think must have stemmed from hidden insecurities about their inability to make a valid rebuttal to me, while most of the women seemed to just not even want to entertain the idea of something they considered to be purely science fiction to ever be a real possibility. I notice NTs are very quick to want to avoid discussions about theoretical aspects of physics for some reason. This is typically the type of situation that makes me get the boring label when I meet new people. How anyone could find little to no interest in discussions like that, but instead desire to argue about which beer makes them the most drunk, just utterly blows my mind.

You faced your fear down and beat it in to submission!! Way to go. I usually either freeze or get drunk at parties, it's way too much for me (unless the group is small, than I usually enjoy them). I'm copying this post down for future reference though.

I agree, and this sums up really well what I think about it. Some people just do not hit it off for whatever reason, they have different personalities, different interests. Besides, even people who are highly compatible can still have off days when they just don't have much to say to each other.

And here you've hit upon one of the biggest reasons why I don't bother trying to connect with people.

The problem with trying to get around that "we have to listen to them but they don't have to listen to us" is that I don't think you can get around it. It just is, especially when in a group. It can be depressing if you let it get you down, I just try to enjoy people when I'm around them and escape when I can.

and the don't appreciate the efforts you go to I thought it was a bit mean when gun boy didn't want to be in your company any more , I guess murdering animals is more pleasurable to him.

I wonder if he approves of shooting pigeons out of crates , their often a hopeless shot so they just wack them against the nearest tree . this cowardly behaviour is approved by the NRA sad world we live in , don't you agree?

To think pigeons saved countless lives up to ww2 this is how we repay them?

He's still talking to me. And really, he requires a lot less social effort than anyone else I know.
You don't have to attack him every time you want attention from me, you know.

^^^^

you can see straight through me

seriously have you seen what these "hunters" get up to ? (You Tube) it may sound like I talk bs here though like you I never lie, I just find it hard to believe why you would want to befriend some one that kills for pleasure.

I just don't understand why he can't shoot cans or something

ps not sarcasm I promise I'm pleased that relationship is working for you I have a similar relationship with one friend I've kept it going for 10 years now