Living life when you are not a social being

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This keeps being a dilemma for me.

It is clear that adult life is about being social. Making a career, finding a spouse, founding a family. All social acts.

This is just a weird world to be in when you inherently are not a social being.

It feels as if you have to translate the NT world to your own language and then attempt to live along that translation.

I see what all NTs strive for is to become accepted by the group - because they have herd mentality.

It is such a weird world when you do not have this herd mentality.

At the same time you have to adopt this herd mentality if you want a somewhat normal life.


What should someone with AS think about this? Is it the choice between an abnormal but "true" (i.e. no herd mentality) life and a "fake" (i.e. with herd mentality) but normal life?

I choose to live alongside the society in which I am thrust. To me, it is no dilemma. I don't feel an instinctual need to conform to societal expectations, and am very comfortable without being within.

Why do you feel you need to adopt any mentality which does not come naturally to you? Can you just go to work, be congenial and then return to your natural comfort state, whatever that may be?

Your words indicate that you're conflicted. Can you elaborate why? If you can, it may help you to come to your best conclusions and be comfortable with yourself.

It all has to do with 'social expectations' and I am starting to realise this.

I am not a 'social creature' but I have had to learn the very basics of human interaction just to put food in my belly and a roof overhead for the night.

Humans need to be social to survive because if you're a baker, another grows wheat and another raises chickens, cakes are made...even though the whole thing is a lie.

Humans need to combine their individual talents for survival and thus why there's a 'herd mentality' among them.

We are asparagus farmers...nobody wants to put us in their cakes or pies...we are a 'gourmet taste'. lol

As I said, I am not social at all, but it's getting to the stage where the more bogged down I become in one place, the more pissed-off people seem to get......I mean everybody is all 'nice'...at first...

Then, once the rot starts setting in, it spreads like wildfire.

The only reason why I am 'here' (in Sydney) is to 'be here' for my family, but are they ever 'there' for me? do they ever really need me beyond needing my money? nope.

So, why the hell am I still here, being emotionally tied to and blackmailed by them? They are 'psychic vampires'.

After recent incidents, I have decided just to save up a bit of cash and just get in my car and drive...maybe up to Queensland (where it is warmer and there's an Aspie centre there)...maybe to go and see Ayer's Rock which I have never seen...just living the 'nomadic life' for a while and not be in any one place long enough for anybody to even try getting all 'social' with me.

I just want to see more of the big, wide country I am living in for a year or so...just moving around.

I wanted to do that months ago, but my family is like 'don't be ridiculous...your place is HERE with US'...I got news for them...no it ain't. If they wanted me to stay, they should have made the prospect of that more bloody appealing.

They only want me to stay so they can use my 'services' and now I know. If I don't make a move now and do what I want to, I'll never be able to.

i seem to remember reading it was Kanner (as in not Asperger, but they noticed the same thing in two such distinct groupings) who said "aloness" - i think aloneness is the keyword in autism

however social a situation one finds oneself, an aspie is always alone - it is an aloneness NOT inherently related to what is philosophically implied in the term "the human condition" (every 'man'is alone) it's more real than that, in a certain way it's even a physical aloneness

it's not loneliness - every human being will get lonely and the fact that they do get lonely (and quite quickly at that) only proves that to be human is to be social
which does imply that aspies & auties will and do get lonely

but we are so much better at coping with that, and with acceptance-if-only-we-could(butwecan)

i am not saying that things like "love" and whatever our also romantically inspired minds may think of are unattainable to us (on the contrary) but i am saying these things are just as illusive to NT's as they are to us spectrumites -
if autism is dealt with in the care system by the same professionals who deal with anxiety disorders - it may help to consider every single human being gets scared, and closes off and whatevers..., or runssssssssss

if you don't NEED 'their'company, why seek it... and when it comes to "love" and the one relationship if you think-feel in those terms, if you really do have to admit to yourself that yes you miss.... well, the less you force things, the better the chance they might find you (in such a case it is admittedly not wise to hide oneself like a hermit)

still - i have found it easy to be with people, i guess skill-wise i am very lucky that way
i have also found that there simply is always (and allways) this sense of non-togetherness when being with anyone, even sexually, this not even a part non-committedness, yes this non-connectedness that i indeed mistook for what was meant by "the human condition"

i am sort of proud (insomuch as pride is a feeling an aspie can have) that i still have been sufficiently aware of my own emotional responsiveness (or differentness, or lack, thereof) in situations where "love & future" might have become issues -
here, i have to point out i only self-discovered myself being autistic late in life, one day before my first posting at WP to be precise) - so i spent almost fifty years not realizing i was not just a bit different from most but we can't all possibly be smart with linguistic tendencies so what do you mean different? but that i actually AM different

soooo, when i felt a vague familiarity with fictional characters like portrayed by say Jacques Tati, Peter Sellers Being There in The Party ;]]] or why not Woody Allen at times, i mean darn i have been called mr. Bean, although i'm not sure my Blackadderness is very happy with that - so that kinship was real.... oops, well... wow

if only i had known, gosh, my failed professional career life poof, wow, if i had known that would simply never have happened... and i would have soooooo been able to use my socials skills to combine with some special talents, and had the legal entitlement even to required assistance... i have to assume i would at the very least have become this library assistant with special responsibilities at university - if only i had had reason to ask for help i did not know i MEDICALLY required

so yes i blame myself for the whole i still find myself in, but i have soooooooooh forgiven myself if there was anything to forgive, anything to be ashamed of
and i can happily confirm i have NO love of my life, hence no children i would have to bear responsibilities for that i know i simply could not have met....
and yes - given that i would have been able to work and earn lasting living, had i known, of course things would have been different, i know which chances i missed, so no, i do not believe autism should keep anyone from finding any significant other individual (or more who cares) to share life with

just don't think you are anyone has the right, and accept yourself

when you indeed NEED to be social, i have found it highly effective to have a FUNCTION that also requires one to speak - even if serving at tables gets one in social settings, and at least you can always fall back on the ROLE you are paid to play... the rest is extras ;]] perks that may come from the function

go into social situations with nothing specific to do, and i believe you end up doing nothing, hardly coping with the environment

just remember: what is it you want from socialness, what is it you need, and YOU determine (largely) who to be social with, for instance in finding a hobby that might imply meeting people (sports always worked wonders for me, and i was a pretty good umpire in field hockey and cricket - professionally, cricket gave me contacts and i even got the dutch translation of the official Laws of Cricket

if i had known, i had managed my limitations much better and sensibly - so we all need someone yes, i would have needed a secretary to keep me active - but simply do not expect or demand to much, and with some self-acceptance comes much more, i am sure

I am loving the asparagus analogy. It seems I am acquired taste but once people become aware of the hidden depths to my palate. Anyway.

I want to be more social than I currently am. In fact I am desperate to raise myself out of this socio economic quagmire. The problem I have is this horrendous class system that is in place within the UK. When your at the bottom of the pile economically speaking you are limited to socialising with others that are also at the bottom of the pile. Some of the nicest, most moral, trusting and selfless people are in the same boat as me, I feel privileged to know some of these people. However social events seem limited to hanging around in someone's dingy flat and getting stoned. All well and good when you are 16-17 but I am 32 next year and I still harbour an ambition to make good of my life. It seems horrible to say this but I am sick to death of been surrounded by lowbrow culture. I even got looked down on by a young mother who was drinking a very cheap super strength cider mixed with what I assume to be an even cheaper energy drink while popping tramadol like smarties. What for? For drinking a bottle of 2006 vintage Spanish red wine. That really happened, it's like these people desire the gutter.

And as for the buggers who kicked me down here in the first place, even those who did not really want to are all off living there little lives with seemingly no hint of guilt or remorse. (I hope there is an exception to this though)

Anyway I desire for a good healthy social life but don't know where to find people who want me. The people who are in my social circle I like, trust and admire deeply as people, it's not like I am wanting them to accompany me to the premier of the latest Penderecki concerto or anything. But they are not teenagers any more and I just wish they would expand their horizons some what. I feel much better for getting that off my chest. Thank you.

I don't understand why you're "limited to socialising with others that are also at the bottom of the pile." If you look around, there are plenty f clubs/classes/meetups you can go along to. What do you think actually limiting you to what you call lowbrow culture, or preventing you from mixing in the circles you want to be in?

For NTs too, life is a constant compromise between individuality and social acceptance.

Stop going by society's definition of "normal."

Yes, it's considered "normal" to get a career, spouse, and family, but there are so many people who are miserable in their careers, incompatible with their spouses, and mean to their children. When that much dysfunction and misery is considered "normal," there's something seriously wrong with "normality." The fact that you can see herd mentality for what it is makes you more normal than they could ever hope to be.

In short, it sucks.

I am NT sometimes come here with questions about someone with autism. Asparagus farmers that had me cracking up. I just came to bring an NT viewpoint. I believe its the buddhists who say the reason we suffer is because we want things. This applies to all humans. Like today in my line at work one of the most beautiful women i've ever talked to came in. I helped her with something and she was even chatty with me. I know I had no shot with her although I keep playing the tape of our interaction. I dunno thats life. We're constantly being shown things we'll never have. Some things like marriage and children if you are willing to compromise and work hard i think anyone can have them.

I really question this thing of not being social. I'm just not social in the way most other people are, I'm social in my own way. The conflict for me is in feeling like I have to do things their way, thereby losing some of my independence and sense of self, and still feeling dissatisfied and unfulfilled anyway.