people are trying to say this is in my control? I'm so hurt.

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I don't even know where to begin to explain but i went out with a few friends to a concert, when i dance - i usually am in a dissociative type state. everyone around me was asking "are you high? are you on drugs?", then people started to go: "oh, he's doing it for attention, he's trying to be different". Pardon me? I am not trying to be anything but be myself, so for people to say I'm trying to be different is very rude. Also, I told a very close friend today that I have autism and she reacted, saying "oh, aren't you such a special snowflake". What the hell? I never tried to pride myself on being idiosyncratic, and I hate muttering the words "I am different", but it was the only way I could explain to her how it's been so hard for me lately. I am not cocky about anything. How am I supposed to explain, the glass wall without sounding like a typical neurotypical angsty 20 year old? How am I supposed to explain, something dropping to the ground sounding so loud? How do I explain, I zone out staring at things in public. How do I explain, I never know where I am half of the time? How do I explain that if my brain allowed me to, I would have finished high school and been in college, not have written a book from my hypergraphia writing compulsion and gotten it purchased by a publisher. I'm just so so tired, so I texted a few people and said: "I'm sorry but I'm going to be going away for a while, I'm not ignoring you". Everyone wants to make everything about themselves, and punish me for it. It's not ok. I told my mom, I want to move to the streets because I would feel like I'd be protecting and not hurting the people around me by just going away, but she said that'd be worst. She then brought up medication which I ABSOLUTELY refuse.The reason I have been suicidal in the past is cause I'm in a world and society built and surrounded by things that my brain won't let me enjoy or process in the way they should be, so the ultimate frustration and solution would be to leave it, if I can't exist and have the right to live a "normal life" in peace

I feel very similar, though I'm very proud of being an Aspie. I make it a point to be different along with other things in almost everything I do. I know that when things get repeated all the time, it's very easy to get disheartened, but I must say to stand strong. Never ever feel bad that who and what you are are different becuase thats what you are. My advice would be to just get away from everyone and spend some time doing stuff you enjoy and just enjoy yourself.

"The characteristic of a genuine heroism is its persistency. All men have wandering impulses, fits and starts of generosity. But when you have resolved to be great, abide by yourself, and do not weakly try to reconcile yourself with the world. The heroic cannot be the common, nor the common the heroic."
? Ralph Waldo Emerson

Possibly the same way Beethoven composed while being deaf or Vincent van Gogh painted while being color blind.

Don't know.

The general opinion? I don't think so. But with Beethoven he usually got very caught up with music. He was extremely passionate (which is awesome), so with him, I could see it. He never really stuck to the social norm and was 'rude' (ie telling people exactly what he thinks and how things are when they don't like it) so I think he could've been one. I don't know as much about van Gogh though to really guess. Sorry about that.

don't let them get to you. haters gon' hate.

i hate the 'are you high right now' kind of dismissive comments. i am thinking it's because your actions are making them uncomfortable. i have gotten them before too, and from someone i thought was very close to me but whatever. same with the girl calling you a special snowflake. maybe they will come around, maybe not. i dont get the logic behind this, refusing to believe people have problems.

have you ever taken medication before? sometimes one kind doesn't help, but others can.

i think it's good for you to take a step back and try to decompress/relax if things are feeling so hard and people were not very responsive to you admitting you have autism.

It is a symptom of NT disorder; they view every thought and action through a social hierarchy filter, so everyone is either trying to climb higher in the hierarchy are trying to push someone else down lower. Being seen as "special" and "different" are ways to ascend the hierarchy, so they assume that is what you are trying to do.

You're not going to be normal. Trying to be normal is both a waste of time and faking it will only make you more depressed. If you don't like dancing at concerts, then don't dance. For the most part, you cannot explain these things to people and expect them to understand. Either way, your real friends won't judge you for it, and those are the people you want to surround yourself with.

Also, don't say "I'm going away for a while, I'm not ignoring you" because 95% of people who utter such a phrase are passive-aggresively trying to see if they can get someone to miss them, aka attention seeking. If someone said it to me I'd ignore the piss out of them for that reason.

That's happened to me before, as well. They've said that I am the way I am because I want to. But the truth is, it's just who I am. And even so, I'm not going to change just to make people happy. I've always felt that it is better to not lie or pretend on that.

I think I would just play this for them and call it a day on the relationship, unless they are willing to see things as they are:
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKxodgpyGec[/youtube]