When people don't believe in you

Post Reply New Topic

Have you ever had anyone tell you you'd never do something because of your autism or another disability? How did you (or do you, present tense) cope with people not believing in you? Especially when you know you're capable of more, especially if accommodations are present? How do you cope with low expectations? For me, I have someone who doesn't seem to believe I can finish college or work. It's so frustrating. Thoughts, advice. Or just personal experiences.

Edit: I meant to post this in the general section. Maybe a mod can move it?

Before I realized I was autistic, I came up with this quote:

"There's great power in being underestimated."

You believe in yourself, that's a good thing.

As for the critics and naysayers, they have their own agendas.
Usually the best response is to ignore them.

Hugh MacLeod wrote a book called "Ignore Everybody: and 39 Other Keys to Creativity."

Here is a quote from the book:

“Good ideas alter the balance in relationships. That is why good ideas are always initially resisted."

So you're not alone.
Anyways, I believe in you.
Go for it!

...

The great thing about being underestimated:

Proving the underestimators wrong; and shocking them at the same time.

I've never had a job, even though I'm 54 years old. All my life my parents have dismissed everything I say by just stating that I've never worked and therefore don't know what I'm talking about, even though on every occasion I've proven to be right. Similarly Social Services treat myself, and everyone else with Asperger's syndrome, like little children. I'm sick of it.

Having someone tell me I can't do something has *usually* stirred up a type of anger in me that makes me want to prove them wrong. This gives me energy to make the attempt. Sometimes I don't get to prove that specific person wrong, because if I achieve my goal, that person may not be in my life anymore. But, I still make use of that defiant energy.

I have been repeatedly underestimated my entire life, yes.

While it does feel a little bit good when that moment comes that you prove the doubters wrong and they express shock and surprise that you can actually do what they think you couldn't do, or do well, it doesn't help much with how bitter and soul-depleting it feels to still get underestimated over and over again going on into the future, by new people or regarding different issues. It's exhausting to live life always having that put upon you.

What I have done is simply refuse to listen to them because they aren't me and don't really know me either.

For example, I was employed in an environment with work supports where the employer and the job coach believed that whoever went through the program was broken and had to be kept down.

I was working on a degree and I was hoping to find another job related to that field. Everyone kept insisting that I was looking for things that were too big for my own britches. I got bullied because of it.

I didn't listen to them as I knew there had to be something better out there.

As others have said, prove them wrong.

I think the more interesting question here - and I don't mean to be rude at all - is why you care what this person thinks and why their opinion matters so much. If you're already feeling self-doubt, someone saying "I don't think you'll finish college" is easier to take to heart, especially if they're someone with authority or someone close to you (a teacher or a trusted relative, for example). The thing about people's opinions is that they're very often wrong. Think about what some opinions are based on: impressions, half-truths, rumours, instinct, stereotypes, prejudices.

Ignore the doubters. If you listen to them you run the risk of becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your confidence will suffer and you'll be more likely to fail. Do you really want to let other people's expectations dictate what you'll achieve in life?

You know Einstein was autistic too? During his school years he struggled with math so his teachers said he was "Mentally worthless." Look where he went, physics and that subject is crawling with math.

They said I would never been good at math and that it was too hard for me during my years in special ed. I believed it for the longest time. A few years later I moved in with a family member who didn't give up on me. I learned two things

1. Once got a grip on math, it was one of my stronger areas and I proved to be good in algebra
2. I have an easier time learning on my own and teaching myself things.

I have had people tell me that I would never succeed in life, or that I should stop dreaming of being a writer. My dad once admitted to me that he thought I would never go to college Mind you, he admitted this after I started college. Those people who don't know me anymore and doubted me would be surprised to see that I'm currently attending college, volunteering at an animal shelter, and that I graduated high school with an award for my writing in the school newsletter.

I have the opposite problem. I was born with a lot of disabilities in addition to my Aspergers & some people like my parents have this attitude that I can do almost anything I put my mind to. They put alot of pressure on me & I tried my best with things but I just didn't succeed & felt overwhelmed because of the pressure. I wish people would of felt like I couldn't do things so I could of relaxed some & enjoyed myself more & learned to work within my disabilities better.

You can't change what other people think. You can, however, prove them wrong.

The majority of responses above say "just ignore them" or "prove them wrong."

Easier said than done.

Most of my life, nobody knew I was autistic. But I heard many opinions from my family encouraging me to aim lower, or devaluing any accomplishments I did have. And you know what? This does really hinder you from achieving your potential. And it wasn't related to autism, because that wasn't even part of the conversation.

The best advice I can give on this topic is to surround yourself with people who do believe in you, and if that means avoiding family members, then do so. Limit the extent to which they can rain on your parade.

My parents underestimated me as a teenager. Let's just say I made a turn for the worse for a few years.

Yes, that is advice to live by.

When I am the only person left who believes in me, I watch some of these.