I might have aspergers, but I'm not certain.

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Here's my general situation : I am 22 years old, and I recently (2 years or so ago) started getting severely depressed about where my life is going, since I now study something I highly dislike and in which I have no future, for what I think is the result of my past mistakes. I tried to explain my situation to my friend as best as I could, and he told me that I might potentially have either ADD, social anxiety, OCD, and/or Asperger's. The problem I am faced with is twofold : firstly, I am unsure if I should get a diagnostic, because if I do, I would have to tell my parents, and they would not be open to the idea of me telling them I might suffer from autism - they would at face-value reject the idea, or even get mad as a result - ; and, secondly, since most of the symptoms of autism are subjective, in the sense that the asperger feels differently, I find it difficult, without objective proof (or an outside opinion), to determine if I truly feel differently than others. It gets even more difficult when it comes to symptoms as a child, because it is complicated to recall phenomenological data from too far back. So, I just wanted to lay out what are my symptoms, and ask if I should get a diagnosis, considering, where I live, the public services would take a very long time to evaluate my demand (over a year), and I don't have the financial resources to and get a private diagnosis. Also, I just want to know if there's a chance I might have Asperger, and that I don't just have social anxiety or something else.

I am constantly anxious around people ; I feel nervous and stressed when I have to be in public, since I detest being seen, especially being seen doing anything. I am anxious, for instance, when I walk on the street, especially if I have to walk twice on the same path in a short period of time, since some people would see me twice (and wonder what I am doing). I can barely hold any conversation with someone without freezing, especially in groups. I have to mentally prepare for anything I have to say for hours, before I can hold a ''normal'' conversation. The only type of social interaction I enjoy is being in private, one on one, with someone I have prior knowledge of and I can trust. I even feel stressed when I am in the same room as my parents. I am so anxious, I failed exams because I skipped questions that I thought were too complex and so did not allow myself the time to complete them, because I was afraid someone would look at me and see me struggle. I could go on about that, but I think anyone would get the gist of it.

As for OCD, I do have it, I don't think there's any doubt about that. I have to compulsively take a shower every time I go outside and enter my house afterwards. I have to wash my hands every time I touch something that comes from outside my house, and I cannot sit or touch the ground outside. Moreover, I feel the compulsive need (when I'm stressed out) to touch, with the palm of my hand, something ; usually, I will touch my palm with a pen, my nails, or I will squash my palm on multiple keys of my keyboard.

For ADD, I have absolutely no capacity for spatial representation. I often zone out when I listen in class, and miss a lot of information ; I cannot stay concentrated, especially on subjects I hate, for more than 15 minutes, it's simply not possible. I have trouble understanding what others tell me ; it's very complicated for me to mentally process what they are trying to tell me, especially if multiple speak in a single conversation. Often, when they ask me a question, I have not even started to understand what they are asking of me, much less do I have an actually answer. I always procrastinate on what I have to do (I have never something before the deadline), and I often lose things, since I'm disorganized. On the other side, though, once I start something and have to finish it, I put a lot of emphasis on the details, and absolutely cannot give a work that is not perfect, or above the required standards. However, I get really stressed and cannot work for more than 15 minutes at a time without taking breaks in which I walk around my dinner table in circles. As for the rest of the symptoms, I am hypersensitive to the criticisms other address me, to how I perform (if I do poorly, it might follow me for years), and I often cry and hit myself if something goes very poorly.

As for Asperger's, obviously, most of the symptoms already outlined (I think) fit the bill ; but I also have others. For instance, I have almost no motor skills or oculo-manual coordination, and I walk bizarrely (everyone has told me this, especially my parents) since, when I walk, I put the front of my foot first (my toes), and then I let my heel down. A lot of people told me, also, that I either speak to loudly (about something I'm interested, usually) or not at all or at a too low volume (when someone talks to me without me expecting it). I have had, my whole life, difficulty communicating with people, and I barely ever had any friends. I am not even that close to my parents, I'd rather avoid them, however I never had any language deficiencies, that I can remember - sometimes, I might have trouble understanding some poetic metaphors, but nothing out of the ordinary. However, if that is of any note, when I was a child, I used to write backwards (you'd have to put text in front of a mirror to read it), and I write (still nowadays) as if I was 5 years old. My writing is horrible. A lot of people have told me that I'm harsh or cold, or that I look as if I was ''lost'', or as if I didn't understand anything. I have a pretty rigid routine (I have had roughly the same since I was about 8 or so) - for instance, I always dress mostly the same way -, and it makes me feel deeply anxious when it's changed. For instance, if my parents invite someone over that I did not know or expect, I will panic and have to hide. Also, I feel insecure and anxious every-time I hear construction-related noises (like hammers), or if I hear the noises of trucks and fast cars. Now, for the more subjective aspects, I cannot wear jeans, because they feel strange and I don't like them, or shirts with a paper label (I will have to cut it off), or glasses, or watches, and the likes. I don't feel like I have trouble decoding facial expressions people make, but, again, I can't compare myself with anyone. I don't feel again I have trouble with imagining things, since I daydream constantly. I always listen to music, because I don't like ambient sounds (like fans), but I don't know if this is what the average person does. I feel like I have empathy and lots of emotions (I often cry or get angry), though I don't enjoy physical contact (outside of animals and specific people I like). I enjoy mathematics, but, since I have no spatial awareness or working memory, I am not that good at it. I spend over 90% of my time doing what interests me, but I have multiple interests (3-5), contrary to what I read Aspergers, and I never had problems with language, at least so far as I can think.

I feel like I covered most of what I wanted to say, I'll just finish by saying that I've done (by myself) the RAADS-R and got an indication that I was likely autistic (had a score of 207), and I did the ''AQ'', or a simplified version of it on the website of austimcanada, and had the same result (likely autistic), if that's of any help. So, should I get a diagnosis? Is the process worth it? Am I likely autistic?

tl;dr I have multiple symptoms that cover social anxiety, ADD, OCD and Aspergers, and I want to know if there's a chance I might be Asperger.

It sounds like you likely have it.

If I might ask, what prompted you to think that?

If you think a diagnosis may help then go for it, if not then try to work at improving your challenging areas anyway. A diagnosis won't 'fix' you, but a diagnosis can help you think and focus on yourself differently and maybe use it as a starting point to improve.

I am 36 and after 3-4 years of wondering if I have aspergers I am having an assessment next week. I just feel I can focus more on bettering myself if I know what is up with me.

Also, your parents don't have to know that you are being assessed or are diagnosed with anything. Go to the docs on your own, explain what you have said to us and say you would like a referral.

It is common to have Autism and other conditions. You have listed numorous autistic traits. Discomfort or worse with clothing is a common Autistic sensory sensitivity. Many autistic people have to cut the tags off thier clothing because they are painful.

I would look and see if there are any universities in your area that does Autism research. Some of them need subjects for thier research and use free assessments to recruit subjects.

If because a professional Autism diagnoses is unavailable to you, you need to self suspect or self diagnose this workaround can be helpful in providing explanations, coping mechanisms and treatments.

You are 22 an adult, so while parental approval is welcomed and helpful it is time to do what you need to do and if your parents do not like it, so be it

I really identify with so much of what you have written. On that basis I would say you are likely on the spectrum, and you should actively try and pursue a diagnosis if that is what you want. Easier said than done, I know, but maybe try talking to a GP, charities, or universities as ASPartOfMe suggests.

I know what it's like to be obsessed with doing tasks to the highest possible standard. People don't get it, since the term 'perfectionist' is somewhat overused, but I literally will not stop or share my work until it is perfect. I have actually missed deadlines because of this at school and college; my teachers got very frustrated because they knew I was capable and hardworking and they couldn't understand the extent (and damage) of my perfectionism. When I did hand in homework, I would get told I had done too much, or worked too hard on it, which I found baffling. This led to a very confusing time at school, because my parents and teachers would tell me to get out more and be more relaxed, but they also wanted me to succeed academically, and from my perspective if they wanted the latter, then they could not be serious about the former.

It sounds like you do.
There is nothing you said that would rule out Asperger (Social Anxiety and OCD are common comorbids so having those doesn't mean you don't have AS) and your Asperger's symptoms really hit the mark, especially since you say you had them even as a child.

I also have multiple interests(my interests change every a few months and I can talk about/have fun doing about anything that was ever a strong interest for me so the I have a wide range of interests now) and never had any language delay (in fact my language skills were always advanced, at least when it comes to grammar and vocabulary) and I am diagnosed with AS so those are not an obstacle in getting diagnosis.

Just print what you wrote here and show it to a doctor. My diagnosis was based mostly on some self description essays too. I was like "I suppose I have Asperger, please read this. <hands 12 pages of self assessment>" and after that it was only a confirmation by a few specialists. It took over a year by free consulting.

I didn't have Social Phobia or OCD symptoms mixed in so your situation is worse than my - but it doesn't mean you won't get ASD diagnosis. It just means you are in urgent need of help so you might be getting some treatment even before you get fully diagnosed with AS. Social Phobia and OCD can be cured with medicine or CBT even in people with ASD.

Thanks for your reply. For sensitivity, I appreciate your input since it's often difficult to evaluate oneself's without the ability for comparison... Though, I wouldn't say it feels ''painful'', but rather that it irritates me and feels discomforting.

I am a university student in Canada, but I don't know of any research going on about autism and in which I could be a valid patient. I know I have access to psychological consulting at a reduced cost (it's still somewhat expensive and I'm not exactly sure if they're for what I'm looking for), but I don't know about any studies in which I could participate. How would I even go about finding if there are any?

Yes, I understand fully that legally I am not in need of my parent's approval, but, realistically, I cannot lie to them if they ask me where I'm going and what I'm doing (I live with them)... They provide me for most of the financial resources I have, so if I spend some on looking for a diagnostic, they would figure out I have less money than I previously had, and do not have anything to show for it... Moreover, as I have read, isn't interviewing the parents or relative a part of some diagnostic process?

Mostly your problems with communicating, your lack of friends, and your sensory issues.

Thanks. I don't have, currently, a GP, sadly... Any charities in particular I should check out? I checked the websites and federations concerning autism in my region, but they don't help very much in terms of explaining how to obtain a diagnosis, the process, etc. ; they mostly care about activities and sensitization.



Yes, I understand you on this issue. I am not very well organized, but if I have to do something, I absolutely need to do it well, even if I don't have to sleep for one or two nights to work on what I have to do. However, I haven't missed deadlines because of that, since, luckily, I've always managed to hand-in my assignments on time, despite constantly not evaluating correctly the time I would need to do something. However, it has caused much problems when it comes to teamwork, where, regardless of my teammates and what they had already done, I would feel obligated to do the entire work myself ; and it's not because I disliked them, but rather because I needed the assurance that the work would ultimately be perfect, and without error. Usually, such attitudes led to me being told my professors to be more respectful, to listen to my teammates, etc. Most of the time, I succeeded academically, outside of fields like mathematics (because I have no capacity for spatial representation and because I couldn't get myself to do any homework on time so I fell hugely behind), though, when I was younger, I was quite excellent at it, and grammar, since, often, I didn't have the time to check if every single word was written correctly (I often cannot write and concentrate on writing properly at the same time - I sometimes forget words or phrases entirely which I thought I had written but not), but, if I had the time, I was successful and had good grades. And, yes, most people have also told me to be more ''relaxed'', and similar things ; however, once there's something I have to do, it remains on my mind, constantly, until I can procrastinate no longer and have to do it. It's quite bizarre actually, since on one side, I can't get myself to actually do what I need to do (until the day prior to the deadline) and when I do it I cannot concentrate on it for more than 15 minutes at a time, but when I actually do what I have to do, it has to be perfect otherwise I cannot hand it in, regardless of what this means (re-doing teammates work, getting angry at teammates, etc.)... Worst part is if I end up with a poor grade (rarely happens, but it still does), then I just feel destroyed, worthless, and I might end up crying...

This is so much like me. For our GCSE IT final project we had to do a group project setting up a charity, with a website, leaflets, presentations, etc. I did the whole thing myself, in my lunch-break and after school, because I just couldn't handle the prospect of others doing it improperly. I don't think anybody else minded, since the grade was shared equally amongst us, but in hindsight I did a crazy amount of work.



Yes. I don't often get a bad grade, and I haven't missed deadlines since school, but when I do perform below my expectations it is devastating. I put in so much effort and then I still let myself down. Last year I got distinctions on every assignment, except for my reflective essay; the tutor said I was too modest . I had a week-long meltdown after that one lol .

Yeah, most of the things I have right now, I also had as a child ; although, as a child, I was much less anxious, though I still was just as much about a few subjects (for instance, construction-related noises or when I watch something horror-related things, like a movie, or even a cartoon, I get an automatic panic attack and cannot sleep for 1 or 2 nights follow my exposure to such content). I also was stimming (though most of the things I did are different than those I do now) ; for example, I felt obligated sometimes to rub my forehead on pointy-like things such as the arms of a chair or my parents elbow, or I felt obligated certain parts of my cat repeatedly.



Just out of curiosity, what you mean by multiple? And what do people mean by few specific interests when talking about Asperger's?



Aren't most doctors or psychologist recalcitrant towards patients who tried so self-diagnose themselves? And how do I present my ideas on my condition to a doctor, if I get to meet one?



Well, I sure would hope I get help, if I manage to consult, and that they don't simply shut down my request by declaring that I'm an autist or that I'm not.

As for what to tell you parents: Why not just tell them you are going to go investigate some new ways that you might get help for your OCD or ADD? That would be the truth, since treating your aspergers might help you relax some of your OCD needs.

Or tell them that since you are an adult now, you are seeking a new evaluation because you are facing new challenges and you would like some guidance about how to deal with all this as an adult. Again, there is no reason to tell them you suspect that ASD was behind all of this.

Yeah, I feel just like you, though I had more bad grades recently (since I did my bachelor's degree and my master's), since I really dislike what I'm studying, and I find it hard to concentrate on the subject and remember all the information I need. And, yup, me too I can feel a bad grade for a week, maybe months sometimes

They don't know I have ADD or OCD, since I try to hide it... And I really don't think they'll take it well if I just brutally tell them I have mental issues. I understand I'm an adult, but practically, I don't want to have trouble with them over said issue. Ideally, I'd be able to get a diagnostic in secret, though, in my present situation, it's almost impossible. Do you know how long the process to get an assessment takes once you get evaluated?

In Canada basic health insurence is paid for by the government (taxpayers). I do not know if Autism assesments are covered.