Perfect Storm of Mental Issues

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I am a 42 year old INTJ who is a loner, a virgin, never had a girlfriend, dated one girl over one weekend back when I was 32, and she broke up with me, but that is another story....

I am a Jehovah's Witness. I was raised in "The Truth" as those who are JW's call it, all my life. Therefore, I cannot commit the sin of premarital sex because of my upbringing and beliefs as they are now hard coded to my brain. So hooking up and paying a prostitute are out of the question.

I have been orginally diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome by my father, who worked with mentally ret*d and disabled children with brain problems like myself. I was able to "self diagnose" and verify that I do indeed have all of the traits of one with this mental autism spectrum disorder.

I also have bi-polar cyclothymia, officially diagnosed by a licensed clinitian. Also hospitalized in a mental health ward for three weeks back in 2012, and also back in 2002 for a night in another hospital.

I am also Love-shy and involuntarily celibate.

And I am a loner with no social life. No friends. No skills relating to people.

Fortunately I do not own a gun, or explosives, so I won't be shooting up any schools/malls/movie theatres or driving my car into the White House. As a JW I am also morally against murder. As long as my temper remains calm that is.

The way that my relationship with women has gone in the past is: 1. See a pretty girl 2. fall in love with pretty girl 3. Restraining order. Sorry, that was a joke. I don't actually have any restraining orders against me. But seriously, I have a great sense of humor, but I digest....

I've fallen in love over a dozen times. In some cases the girl in question actually knew about it.

On September 11, 2013 I told a joke: "Today I am no longer the 40 year old virgin. I am now 41."

That joke took 41 years to set up.

So lets get down to business. The way my relationships with women seems to go is this:

1. They show interest in me.
2. A very short time passes.
3. They reject me completely.

I've noticed that this pattern has occured in just about every single "relationship" I've had with any woman. Let me clarify what I mean by "relationship." I do not mean, a boy friend or girlfriend type of relationship, I simply mean, a "human interaction of a social nature." A far cry from what you may define as a "relationship." When in fact, all human interactions are "relationships" of various sorts and nature.

When I was a teenager, I was attracted to half a dozen girls around or just under my own age, but was too shy to even talk to any of them. One in particular seemed to like me, but later rejected me.

When I was in my early 20's, I fell in love with another girl, but again, couldn't speak to her, or ask her out. This "relationship." lasted several years, climaxing in her marrying a boy who wasn't a JW just to get away from me. By the way, the last two examples were of girls of my same religion.

I had a crush on another girl, wrote not one, but two love letters expressing my undying love and devotion to her, only to receive a letter back completely and utterly embarassing me and crushing my spirit.

I met several more girls, had brief conversations with them, forming huge crushes within minutes, and having them reject me only hours or days later.

Last girl I fell in love with was underage. And because of that I simply never expressed or communicated any love or interest, because it would be wrong to do so. So I suffered in silence with my feelings for many years. I've determined that she most likely doesn't care for me, so in my love for her, I left her completely alone. I have never told her how I feel, even though now she's no longer under age.

A couple of years ago I met a girl who was a mere 17 years old. She befriended me almost immediately. Because of her age I kept my distance emotionally, but I enjoyed our conversations regardless. Then she rejected me and unfriended me on facebook. She had once asked about my intentions, and I informed her I was "just friends."

Recently I worked at a restaurant, where there are over half a dozen amazingly beautiful women working as servers. They were all friendly when they first met me, but some are less friendly now. The problem here is none of them worship Jehovah, so I could never in good conscience ask them out on a date (as dating is preliminary to marriage, according to my ingrained beliefs). Also, I could never ask for sex, never.

There was an odd incident with one girl in particular. As she was walking past me while engaging in light conversation, I poked her arm with my finger. A bit later she touched me back, a bit later she asked for something and closed the request with the term of affection, calling me "handsome." (I feel that I am not handsome). At the end of the night, she was hanging out in front of the restaurant, I walked up to her, massaged her shoulders, hugged her, she hugged back, said goodnight, and drove home.

The next day she treated me as if I were her worst enemy in the world, and completely ignored me, and avoided my touch as much as possible. I have theorized that she was playing one of those common dating "games" called "hard to get." Note: INTJ's do not play dating games, and abhor those who do. Therefore, at the time I did not realize that this is what was happening.

Additional note: I am a very intelligent person, with Einstein like creativity and imagination. If I did not have zero self esteem, I might have made something of myself. But because of my beliefs, such as the fact that I believe that this world is going to be destroyed, I have not endeavored to make a name for myself, even though it would be a great one if I did. But from time to time I feel that I am a worthless human being, and occasionally a suicidal one, so I amount to almost nothing.

Post script: I have recovered to some degree since this was originally posted on reddit (I have edited it some since then), and currently I am in a hypomania state of mind. Therefore I feel that I am one of the greatest albeit unique individuals on this planet. Also, I felt the need to mathematically calculate how rare I am, thus the meme I've created at the very top ↑

* This post is just for future reference and in connection to the INTJ / Aspie / JW.

... although, I do disagree with your reasoning.

Can you explain how you made your calculations ?

I estimated a total of about 425 other people who could share the same experience. Somewhere down the line, they should find each other by one means or another. The percentage of females (potential mates) is disturbing, but there is still a high chance that you'll cross paths.

I wish you the best,

Do know that about +70% of witnesses who fit this profile are disfellowshipped for some reason or deliberately. Of course this is a flaw on their part, likely to a misunderstanding. Eh, looks like INTJ aspies can't stay witnesses too long, a shame the global population of the type slowly shrinks each year.


For all those just reading this (short short) "thread", please do not post, ignore it and let it sink deep into the archives of yesteryear again.