possibly autistic bf help and advice please

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This is very long, I'm sorry.
Me and my bf met online and spoke for a few days before i met him irl, he was a 22yr old virgin due to not being able to talk to girls or make the first move. during our relationship i started to notice he was a bit different, he hated being touched without warning, he would get pissed if i tried to tickle him, his conversations irl were very limited and repetitive. when he spoke with me over text the convos were a lot different and more aggressive, irl he would be shy, quiet, and smiley and over the phone he would be inappropriate, mean, and uninterested. it seemed like i was talking to a completely different person. especially when speaking over the phone he would be very short with me and raise his voice and hang up on me often. it was difficult for me to even get him to answer the phone. it is also very difficult for me to get him to see me irl, he always comes up with an excuse, also one time he said he was coming to my house and i was in the shower when i thought i heard somebody knock, he never showed up that day and said it was him who knocked but because i didnt answer he said he got nervous, panicked, and left. i broke up with him due to him treating me so badly and i blocked him on all social media and phone number and whatnot, he then started calling me repeatedly, left me many repetitive voicemails, commented on all of my instagram posts, things of that sort. Finally I answered the phone and he told me that the way he treated me was all a joke and that it was supposed to be funny, he said that he is the same shy person irl all the time and he begged me to stay with him. I told him to just find somebody else and he told me I didn't understand and that he can't talk to anybody else and that it has to be me because I already like him. So I got back together with him and he still treated me the same, I did an internet search on some of his behavior and it seemed to be signs of Autism so I got him on the phone and asked him if he's autistic, he just yelled, "I'm not ret*d!" and hung up on me. Then he was pissed off at me and just texted me denying the Autism. When we hangout even if I just touch his hat he gets defensive and sometimes situations are awkward because it is hard for me to get him to talk, most times when i try to talk to him irl his responses don't even make any sense, he will just say things like, "Oh, ok.", "I don't know.", "I forgot." and he hardly asks me any questions. Also he's only said I love you maybe twice, and when I say it to him he will often ignore it or just says "Ok."

I guess what i'm asking is does this seem like autistic behavior? Whenever I ask my friends they just tell me hes a jerk and to leave him but I truely love him. I need some advice and some insight on how to cope with him and how to help the relationship work.

Thanks~

It seems like idiot behavior to me. Dump him.

Autism is no excuse to act like an idiot like this guy does.

No, this is not behavior which is typical in autism.

Please don't be sad. If you stay with this guy, it will be disastrous for you.

Do you think the guy is some sort of challenge for you?

No, I don't. I feel like we have a lot in common when he actually does open up to me and we share the same sense of humor. He is just difficult some (most of) the time. Also he's the only guy I've been in a relationship with and actually had sex with. Haha. We are meeting up to go to the zoo next week so I was looking forward to some advice to help the date go well, we've never been out in public before, he always wants to stay home. (He lives in a different city btw)

First of all, welcome and don't worry about the long post, mine turned out much longer!

When you say aggressive, I assume you mean social and active rather than the angry, mean kind.
If so, then I'm much more "aggressive" in text/chat as well, simply because written contents can be thought of in much more time without any direct pressure which allows me to express myself better. Often I also have a nice and calm environment when doing these activities.
My replies in direct face-to-face communication tend to be rather short as well, among the lines of what you have described. Often I don't know what to answer, other times it's just that I don't see a point in replying to something with lots of sentences when I can put it short and be direct. It happens mostly automatically too.
The reason he might be more aggressive and social in text could be the same as for me: It's just that it takes more effort than written communication and much more interpretation on a personal level. The voice, the gestures, the mimic of the person you're talking to, all these are stimuli that can be of relevance - and it can be draining. Socialising with people on a face-to-face level can be tiresome for various reasons.

But well, let's get to the phone talks now:
It could be he's mean when doing phone talks simply because he's not comfortable with them or because he gets startled by the phone's ringtone, which could affect his mood badly, or because he finds them tiresome due to the distortion that comes with it requiring him to focus more. Perhaps he is just being disturbed in his interest or a pleasant activity he was doing at that time? It doesn't necessarily have to be a personal thing. Being overwhelmed by something can affect the mood a lot.
I for myself cannot stand talking over the phone. The frequencies are limited, the voice distorted, there is background noise I need to filter out and it's much harder to figure out things like sarcasm because there isn't even an image to refer to for further help.
I've read that other people on the autistic spectrum have similar troubles with phone calls, so this could be a hint.

The fact he doesn't like getting touched could be a sensory issue or just a breach of his very personal private space. He might not be at a point where he feels comfortable with doing so while you already are. It could take him longer to develop trust. Don't forget that people on the spectrum, especially those who are a bit naive or too trusting, tend to get bullied and betrayed more often for being different and odd, which could lead to issues with developing feelings of trust others later on. Just make sure to take it slow if you notice he's not comfortable with it. Perhaps you could ask him if or why he doesn't like that at that moment. It could be it is just too much at once.

It could be he prefers to be home because it is a place that has less sensory input.

Since he wanted you back, it could mean that he already developed an emotional attachment to you - or it could mean he's desparate and afraid of never finding someone else again. It's hard to tell without really knowing someone and only reading a bit of text.

However, I heard that it's not uncommon for partners on the spectrum to feel no need to repeatedly express they love someone when it has been said before and they're in a relationship.

Overall, it's a complicated situation and probably not easy for either of you. It's hard to get a good picture of the situation.

From what you've written, he does have some autistic traits, but it's not entirely clear yet.
How about his bodylanguage? Does he show any and if so, is it very expressive or rather "numb" and minimal?
And is his voice monotonous and does he take certain things literally?
Autistic people also need some "time off". We're usually not as social as someone who isn't on the spectrum, we need our alone-time to recharge our batteries or to prevent an emotional or a sensory overload before it happens or to get rid of it after it happens. Does he retreat often?
Does he have intense outbursts of anger? This or a complete lack of reactions and replies or lack of concentration on the other hand might be a meltdown, not uncommon on the autistic spectrum either. Imagine you get overwhelmed and get no rest, it's like a mini-burnout, you just need to get away from there and stop that source of overwhelming stimuli or get rid of those emotions that bottled up in you throughout the days. Meltdowns are something that cannot really be controlled too.
What I'm wondering is if he has any special interest, something that keeps him occupied most of the time, which he enjoys doing. Something that calms him down or that he has a great knowledge about.
Stimming is also a common thing. The most notable examples are repeated fiddling with fingers, playing with an object or piece of clothing, rocking forth and back, humming, etc., so basically a repeated (sometimes unusual) action that is executed - sometimes automatically - during stressful situations or when doing nothing, relaxing or being occupied with one's special interest. I hope you get what I mean there.
Do you recognize any of these traits in him as well?

In the end I'd suggest to approach that topic with care. If he is on the spectrum, he might be in denial. It could be he took it as an insult because he considers himself (or wishes to be) normal. There are also a lot of prejudices and stereotypes about how the typical autistic has to be like and it wouldn't surprise me that he would deny it for that reason. As a small note: There is not "the autistic", we differ a lot from person to person, but there are some more or less common issues all of us have. Considering he replied with "I'm not ret*d" clearly seems to indicate he thinks of it as an insult or he thinks of the more extreme cases of severe autism.
You could have started by saying something among the lines of "I have read about things like Autism recently and read some reports by people and I felt reminded of some of the things you do as well" when the time feels right and he seems relaxed rather than kicking the door in and being absolutely straightforward in your suspicion. Maybe it will go easier if you try to approach it via Aspergers Syndrome, so he isn't directly confronted with autism?

The zoo isn't a bad place to go for a date.

One thing about autistic people: they do like animals--sometimes better than people!

I still think the guy has been acting like a jerk to you. But if you like him, there must be a good reason for you to like him.

How are you getting to the zoo? Since he lives in a different city as you, I would assume that you're picking him up. If he's autistic, it's probably better for him to travel by car than by public transportation because of sensory things.

I can confirm the thing about animals and autistic people. It sounds like a good pick.
Picking him up by car would be preferrable over public transportation.

What you could try would be to have a clear plan/route to follow or at least observe where he is about to go or if he has intentions of walking through the zoo in any order. Talk with him about what his plans are or what he wishes to see first. A good communication and structure can be important. The feeling of losing control can lead to meltdowns in the worst cases. So, as you might figure out, in many cases, surprises can be less than pleasant for most of us. Structure can be like an anchor in an otherwise chaotic or overwhelming world.

I don't know, the only thing that really says autism to me is his sensory defensiveness around touch. Other than that, he just sounds like an unpleasant individual. Even if he were autistic, it's no excuse for him being unkind. Perhaps your breaking up with him would be the push he needed to find out for himself if he really is on the spectrum, and perhaps get some social skills training. My boyfriend is autistic, and I know firsthand how hard it can be, but if he ever started being mean to me, for any reason, I'd dump him, autism or no.

This post doesn't scream "autism" to me, in honesty. There's still a chance it could be autism. In that case, I would suggest a serious talk (preferably by text if you do think he's autistic, though do phone if he avoids replying). It doesn't need to mention ASD but you do need to talk through the treatment which has been troubling you. If he's not willing to make concrete plans to treat you better and then actually carry them out, then it's time for you to move on. (Likewise you need to be honest with yourself about what would make you happy (not settling for) in the long term.

Elements such as the sensory issues probably aren't negotiable, you'll need to discuss what that means, what he's willing to try and whether you're willing to live with it. If you're not, don't let him or yourself make you feel bad - people are incompatible for all sorts of reasons and this is quite a fundamental one.

My wife and I did touching in gradual increments for sex, always stopping before it reached an uncomfortable point so I was less anxious about it. By contrast, I hate wet things touching me so I always wipe off kisses, even when we got married. It was her choice to stop viewing it as a sign of dislike or leave.

I know that it might upset some singles on this site but some people aren't ready for relationships. I wasn't the finished product when I started one but I was in therapy and extremely honest about what I needed to learn and got advice on how to do it.

It may be that your boyfriend doesn't know he's upsetting you, in which case you need to tell him very clearly. If he's not willing to accept it and be nicer - it's time to move on.

Autism is not an excuse for mean behaviour and people with autism are not willing to be nicer or are do unaware that you can't possibly pick them up on many of the things, then they're not yet ready to date.

Plus, like NTs, some autistics are jerks.

Have you considered an in person texting date! This might be a half step between situations which could work.

My wife and I often talk on a simplified level or through snippets of songs. I'm not the easiest person to date - I need lots of down time and am quite rigid but I'm also not mean.

Being unpleasant most of the time but getting along the rest of the times is a huge red flag for the an abusive relationship, though in the early days people often think they're nice much of the time, in some cases if continues at a low level and in others it increases so insidiously that the belief mist people have that they would "see" it coming is quite untrue. Be wary of someone who behaved as he did when you broke up. If you're not comfortable enough to leave someone because of how they'd react it's both a bad point at the current time and a terrible sign for further into ghetto relationship.

I hope you enjoy your trip to the zoo. Please tell us how it goes.

As others have stated before, autism is no excuse for behaving mean with no reason either and a fair share of people here have expressed doubts about his behaviour.
Of course we only got provided a snipplet of how your relationship with him goes and aren't there first hand to observe how exactly he is acting like and as I said, from what I've read he has some autistic traits, but there are many questions left that would have to be cleared to get a better idea of it, that's why I tried to approach it from a neutral point of view in my posts trying to explain his behaviour in a way. I have asked some of these questions in my post as well, so it could be good to know if any of these apply or not. Also you should definitely make sure that he isn't just with you because he's desperate and only wants to stay in that relationship because he knows you're a safe bet. I've expressed that worry in my long post as well.
Specifically, what I mean is:

As others have said, maybe discuss it or analyse the whole situation a bit and decide how to continue based on that. Maybe your friends are actually right with their judgement.
If you suspect the relationship could go the abusive way, better break up before it's too late. There is no point in going through that then and it's always harder for people to get out of an abusive relationship than before it became that way!

Seems like jerk behavior to me. I mean so he treats you badly, claims it was a 'joke' and he'll be his nice, quiet, shy self or whatever only to turn around and continue acting like a jerk. Couldn't say if he's autistic or not but nothing you've said here is really a specific autism trait, but he could have autism and also be a jerk the two aren't mutually exclusive.

I'd personally probably break up with him for good, sounds like you can't even interact with him without him lashing out at you, especially if he refuses to even have a conversation about why he's acting that way towards you. But that's just me.

First off, trust your instincts and don’t take anything anyone else tells you without a grain of salt.

I can relate to a much of what you wrote about your friend. It looks to me like this is likely his first serious romantic relationship and he probably doesn’t understand his own emotional responses. They are probably overwhelming and difficult for him. This may be why he has been isolated for so long?

This give me pause though:

Seems pretty stupid. If I give him the benefit of the doubt though, he may not know why he responds the way he does.

It seems like you like this guy or you wouldn’t be talking about this with people, you’d just leave him. If you decide to stay with him and see how it goes, you may be very helpful to him. If he is willing to learn, which he likely is now that you’ve shown him you will leave him, he can be taught. Tell him if you are going to try to have a relationship with him he will have to work on some things and that you are willing to help guide him as best you can.

Teach him the correct responses to situations he hasn’t dealt with. Maybe try less touching in public and more in private. I find the emotional responses associated with physical affection overwhelming and I don’t like dealing with them in public or around other people so I block them out. I also have issues reciprocating affection from my Wife and I need her to remind me by saying HEY, I’m trying to show you affection pay attention to me! Try it and see how it goes.

Regardless of what the root cause of his behaviour is, unacceptable behaviour should not be tolerated or it could get worse. If he is not willing to learn and change, then you can’t help him and you should give him space to learn his own lessons in life.

First off, thank you! Your reply was awesome and very detailed. His body language is very minimal and stiff, he does not move much and when he does it seems kind of awkward and jerky. His voice will change tone, especially when we are talking on the phone to kind of a defensive tone. If i ever laugh on the phone he will get offended and ask me, "What? Why are you laughing at me?! You're just making fun of me." things of that nature. If i joke about something he often takes it literally and also sometimes the things he thinks are funny make no sense to me or are just offensive and not funny. If there is someone in my house that isn't me he will just sit silently and cover himself with whatever is near him such as a pillow or back pack and he kind of balls up. Then when the person starts talking with me he will run into the bathroom and stay in there or he will just leave the house completely and go home. He does have "Tantrums" often where he yells at me... and hes said it is because he has mood swings. does that help?

he has an incredible love for animals but he is extremely allergic. haha

If he loves animals but is allergic, an aquarium might be a great choice for a date.
As far as whether he is Autistic or not, it's hard to tell. He may have BAP where he has some traits but not enough for a full blown diagnosis of Autism. He might be fully Autistic though. We really can't tell without a professional opinion. But the fact that he reacted the way he did when you asked him shows that he may not yet be ready to find out.

I would take this relationship extremely slowly. Keep it on a friends level as much as you can until you really get to know each other. It's very possible that he is seeming like a jerk because of his sensitivities and his insecurities. It's also possible that he is a jerk. But like others have mentioned, even if he is Autistic, he needs to take some responsibility in how he treats you and other people. He may need to be taught how to communicate more effectively. I have a hard time with talking on the phone as well but rather than just blow up and get angry, I have to say, "I am having a hard time on the phone, I would like to text instead." People can understand and respect that. But if he is going to learn these things he has to be willing to learn them.

I would definitely be a friend to him as much as you can but not date romantically. At least not yet. You can go out together but make it clear that it is as friends and that you want to take the time to know him first before you get serious. Perhaps as he becomes more comfortable with you you will be able to talk about Autism again and maybe he will be more open to finding out if he has it or not. I think that would be a good starting point. You don't want to get really involved with someone without understanding ground rules on how to treat each other.