How to say things like "Take your time" without being rude?

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I have a question, maybe NT's can help with. I don't understand exactly how to say things like "Take your time", or "I don't have anywhere else to be" without being rude or being misinterpreted as sarcasm when I am just speaking literally.

I remember another post from a user on this forum who's response to someone's concern or complaint "what do you want me to do about it?" somehow offending the other person. That is just another example.

Sometimes I add that I am not being sarcastic but that really seems awkward and by they might even misinterpret that as sarcasm.

How about "I'll be here when you're ready."

The "what do you want me to do about it" is extremely rude.

Okay thanks for your input.

The thing is, to me, "Take your time" and "I don't have anywhere else to be" are perfectly fine words and phrases. What is probably tripping you up is that your words, tone of voice, facial expression, and body language don't match, so people may be misinterpreting what you say as sarcasm.

Guess who else needs to work on tone of voice, facial expression, and body language? (Me.)

But I know NTs can say those two phrases and communicate friendliness ... I think it's because they put a smile in both their tone of voice and on their lips, and their body language shows openness, relaxation, patience, gentleness, welcoming acceptance, and accommodation.

"I'll be here when you're ready." ... To me, it would depend on the nonverbal cues.

"what do you want me to do about it" ... At first glance, definitely these strike me as fighting words. The one possible exception might be gentle teasing/joking around among very close friends ... but that said, I've never joked around or teased anyone that way. So yeah, this is a phrase best avoided.

I thought most Aspies can't read non-verbal.

Sometimes I can, other times I can't ... in real-life, real-world situations in real time.
Sometimes I find out what someone's response was to me when
they start laughing,
give each other odd looks,
or get mad at me.
Sometimes I can easily understand why they're mad,
other times, not so much.

Online however, when I have a chance to read, write, think, and remember at my leisure ...
well, maybe it's like being an armchair quarterback, eh?

Or maybe like color blindness ...
there are various types ...
red/green being only one.

And, I also read a very good book on charisma two or three years ago.
It was all about how to project an image of power and popularity, etc.
and dealt with things like where to put your feet when you stand,
breathing, taking up space, clothing colors, mindsets ...

I've also read lots of blogs
and watch Youtube videos.

I try working on my tone of voice but my facial expressions are pretty poor and I am rarely mindful of them. The rare instances I do think about my facial expression I realize I am not smiling which NTs view as hostile when in fact I am just neutral. I only smile when I find something funny.

I am constantly unsure of unintentionally offending people that I am truly just trying to be nice to. I end up preemptively apologizing especially if they don't say anything and all I have to work with is guessing what they are thinking through body language instead of words.

Yeah, for a long time in Star Trek fandom, that's one reason I portrayed a Vulcan Ambassador character.

In real life, I would get people telling me to smile or asking if something was wrong, when the thing was, I was perfectly content and happy on the inside, thought I was smiling, but somehow apparently the smile didn't make it to my face.

I once had someone online who had never met me before and never seen a photo of me tell me to smile!

On the other hand, when I portray the mischievous Q character, smiling is no problem ... this however seems to make certain people nervous because they wonder what I'm up to.

As for being apologetic, methinks maybe there's a middle ground between what you describe, Noca, and how I am. I tend to simply speak my mind and let the chips fall where they may. Even if you do that politely, it can really tick people off. "Normal" people prefer dancing around the truth, and they won't even tell you when they're dancing, so you have to be a good guesser, and even then you can step on their toes without meaning to. Then the kicker is, you try to be polite, and that's when people take advantage.


...

What is rude about that, it's a very constructive question, I get asked it a lot and I just tell people what they can do to fix and then the problem is solved.
I sometimes ask it myself to get straight answers and it works very well although some NTs won't tell me. I can never understand how NTs go on about issues but then stop short of the actual resolution.

For NT's, the "what do you want me to do about it" is a rude way to dismiss someone and make them leave you alone and that you are done listening to their bitching.

I don't think people in general really want a solution to their problems most of the time because then they would have to get to work to try to solve the problem with the solution. I also think that people don't ever want their problems to go away because then they wouldn't have anything to b***h about and wouldn't be able to feel sorry for themselves. I think that some people find solace in their misery. We're actually talking about this in another thread.

Last edited by nurseangela on 13 Jan 2017, 7:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Asking "may I help?" usually elicits honest replies from others such as "no, it is just that my spinal problems make my hands and fingers shake uselessly" (I use this one frequently, because it is true for me; and, it makes a good example for this discussion). People really don't want to be a bother to others, or delay them unnecessarily because it draws attention to them. Asking simple questions like "may I help?" in a soft voice shows genuine concern, and calms them a little ... just the thing both parties are hoping for.

Excellent answer ... thank you.

Even after reading the other answers, I'm still struggling to see how "What do you want me to do about it?" is offensive. I just see this as asking for exact details, or intructions to follow. I have trouble with coming across as sarcastic as well, I don't know whether it's my body language or something with my voice.

To my mind, it has to do with tone of voice, inflection, body language, and facial expressions (like grimacing). For example, here's the sentence with the word "me" in caps to add emphasis ... this would be seen as sarcastic, especially if you roll your eyes.

"What do you want ME to do about it?"

or how about this:

"What do you want ME to do about it?"

or this:

"What do you want ME to do about it?" (winking, like teasing)

...

Last edited by the_phoenix on 13 Jan 2017, 9:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

"What do you want me to do about it?" is used belligerently in arguments. The inflection can be "What do you want ME to do about it?", implying that it is not the speaker's job to fix the thing and it's aggravating them that you asked. Or it can be inflected "What do you want me to DO about it?", implying there is nothing to be done, and the thing can't be fixed and you are unreasonable to have asked. This phrase is almost never used to actually mean, "What can I do to help?"