ArielsSong wrote:
I have a toddler.
I didn't know I was autistic when she was born. She actually led me to my own journey of self-discovery.
I don't know if she's autistic or NT. My personal belief is that she's going to turn out to be on the spectrum, whilst my husband doesn't believe so and thinks I'm seeing things that aren't there, but either way we will work with it as it happens.
If she is autistic, she isn't exactly like me. Honestly, I don't know how the genetic inheritance truly works, but whilst I'm under-sensitive she seems to be over-sensitive. I need as much noise as possible to be relaxed, including very loud music, whilst she has a lot of issues with sound and needs ear defenders or to be removed from a situation involving sound - I have to mute the TV whenever a robot speaks, for example, because the sound bothers her, and we have to get her ear defenders out if a rubbish (garbage) truck passes us in the street. Equally, I require pressure as much as possible whilst she seems to have issues with light touch - her socks bother her, and if I knock her with a wire whilst I'm drying her hair then she doesn't like that.
Both of us get sensory overload in crowded places, resulting in meltdowns or shutdowns. I'd say that's to a similar level, but I have the benefit of internalising better (I don't know what I was like at her age).
I'd say we're at a similar level but with different mixes of traits. She's certainly high functioning at this stage, if she is autistic. But I genuinely don't understand enough to know if she could have 'inherited autism' but with some opposite traits to mine.
Regarding your concerns about 'I know the challenges and wouldn't want them to go through that'. As my husband pointed out to me, it is not going to be the same. Our children have the benefit of our experience and support. We can be the more accepting and understanding parents if our children do have autism, because we know how they feel. With a strong parent behind them, helping to adapt their world to their needs, they do not have to face a constant struggle.
About the capability of being a good parent? I can't say. I can say that I am confident that I'm a great parent. I have my autism-related issues, but they are SO far outweighed by all of the things that I am amazing at. I'm not perfect, but no parent is, and our children will learn from us how to be understanding of differences. If you can show a mature way of working through the difficulties you face in life, there is no better way to raise your child.
Obviously I can't know all of the individual difficulties that you face personally, but I will say this.
Everyone worries about being a good parent. That's only natural. And in fact, of all of the parents I know I'm the one that worries about it least. Whilst others are worried about what the books say, what other people will think, what the latest guidance tells them, what they 'should' be doing, I do all of my parenting by intuition. Nothing factors in to any of my parenting other than 'How does this affect my child? What's best for HER?'. As a result, I constantly see other parents concerned about things that have never been an issue for me at all. I have never had to think about how to do things or what to do next, because my daughter has communicated all of that from the moment that she was born. And she's doing exceptionally well, as a result.
ArielsSong, I also think you sound like a great mum, to a wonderful daughter. I'm the mum of a 7 year old boy who's ASD. He's what you call 'high-functioning', and in fact those who don't know us would never guess that he's on the spectrum at all. I have a theory, and I know it's out of fashion at the moment - but I really want to write something about this (actually I have already drafted a 'Dos and Don'ts' list for parents on a scraggy notebook, in my spare moments..). It's that yes, ASD is inherited - it's in my family too, and clearly it has been proven to be hereditary - HOWEVER, autism, not high-functioning but that characterised by (among other sypmtoms) excruciating meltdowns and withdrawal, is to a large extent set off by environmental factors. Those factors could be all kinds of things (I'm also slowly compiling a list of those based on continuing reading and research), from illness, to birth and hospital trauma, to parenting and schooling methods - in particular those that are in some way coercive and inflexible, to my mind whatever is more or less abusive and disrespectful to ANY child, but anathema to an autistic one.
I know this is more or less known, but very out-of-fashion at the moment, and an absolute minefield (help!). However, I've seen so much stuff (basically, coercive methods for obtaining obedience and conformity in children, and environments where children cannot thrive, IN PARTICULAR extremely sensitive ones), that I think it is important for parents to be aware that there is a lot they can do, A LOT, to avoid that their children suffer, or at least to mitigate their suffering. It may involve a total change in mindset and lifestyle (in our case it did), but it should be known how many practical measures you can take.
I'd be really interested in your opinion on this, since your experience seems in many ways to reflect mine.
22 Sep 2016, 4:29 pm
