Feeling insecure after reading this message board

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Hi folks,
for some weeks I used to browser this message board quite frequently as some might know, after that I didn't go to wrongplanet any more because unlike in the beginning it started making me feel worse, even though folks here are really nice and good people and everything.

There was especially one thing I couldn't cope with:
Almost all people here wrote here that one cannot hide ASD, that everyone will notice it somehow because of your weird looks, gait, posture, weird ey contact etc. Before that, I thought my eye contact was ok, but after reading some posts I started to think if it could be the case that I stared too much. Also, I didn't have a lot of social anxiety before, but when I go out now, there are often thoughts popping into my head like: Does everyone around me think I'm weird? Do I have a neutral facial expression? Is my posture weird? What about buying something in a store, will that person subconsciously notice that I'm off? Is the way I'm smiling weird? I'm also starting to question my own social skills more and more (may also be due to my new job).

How do you handle your everyday life with these thoughts in your head all the time?

I'd say don't worry ot much cause whatever happens now and happened before without any problems. I think you worry to much. Just wing it

I feel you, anti_gone

I had the same problem when I first realized I was different from other people, and I developed anxiety. It hasn't completely gone away, but eventually more important things in life helped me to overcome it. I got too sick to care and when I got better I was so relieved to be living again that it didn't matter so much.

I also realized that I couldn't do much to change and didn't want to be anxious all the time so I decided to just not focus on it so much. I'm getting involved in social things to help me practice and to remind me that people are often nice and won't say "you're weird" (even if they think so).

Focus on doing something rather than worrying. If you have close people you trust, you can ask them what you are like. If there are things about yourself you want to change, change them. If not, tell yourself not to worry about them until that idea sticks. Plan what you'll do (or if you need to do anything) if someone says you are weird or acts like you are weird. Increase social connections to help remind yourself that some people will be nice to you or even like you regardless of what you are like. Get immersed in life until you forget about it. Basically just live your life.

I've known for a long time that I have ASD as I was diagnosed when I was still a child. So I almost always knew I was different, that's not new to me.

I just had never thought about how people on the bus, on the train, in stores etc. perceived me. But reading some threads here I think they must wonder why I'm so weird the whole time.

I don't know...reading these threads here I guess I'm weird no matter what and cannot do anything about it.


My social life is, fortunately, going very well. I meet friends, acquaintances, family etc. several times a week and I have a strong bond with some people.
The feeling of insecurity arises when I'm on a bus or something. I guess this is once again OCD/obsessive rumination, I have to repeat sentences like "I'm Aspie so I cannot look normal and people will treat me worse because of that or will start uneasy because of me" in my head all the time. The thing is, my friends and family know about my ASD. People on the bus or the woman behind the counter won't.

Trust me: I've seen "neurotypical" people with "weird facial expressions."

In reality, in real life, people usually cannot tell that you're "autistic" at first glance.

No. I, pretty much, gave-up worrying about all that stuff, years and years, ago----cuz, basically, my philosophy is, one can never please EVERYBODY; and, quite frankly, if you think you WILL be able to, you're likely to kill yourself, tryin' (figuratively).

OTOH, things that make one stop, and look in the mirror, are GOOD----IMO, that's one of the ways in which we learn and grow----but, you're going to drive yourself crazy, doing it the way you are (ie, don't be worried about it, every single second [not literal], and with every single thing you do); just be aware that you might need to adjust some things, or whatever.

OTOH, some of the posts, here, have to be taken with a grain of salt, IMO, cuz some people like to be "victims", if you know what I mean----they LIKE to say "I can't do this", so others will feel sorry for them, and give them, comfort (aka "attention")----and, that victim mentality doesn't help anyone, grow, IMO. When I read some posts, here, I don't just summarily dismiss what the person has said, cuz I don't want to miss a chance, that I might learn something----I think about it, think-about if it applies to me (if it's something I need to fix, etc.), and then I move-on. A good example, IMO, is that we do not ALL walk / look like there's something wrong with us.

I totally get what you're saying, though----cuz, I had "a moment', as well, when I first came, here..... I was like: "OMG, we're all doomed"----but, then I stepped-back (didn't leave the site - just stayed out of GAD, more), and looked at the overall picture, and noticed (as we Aspies, do) that there was a pattern (what I said, before, that some like to be victims - the "Oh, woe, is me" syndrome); so, maybe that'll help you, TOO (to look-at the picture, as a whole).

This forum has put unsettling thoughts into my head too. Not running it down, I'm just saying that I've had unhelpful things said to me here that has triggered off more social anxiety.

I "test out" what people say.

Sometimes, people don't have the most honorable intentions when they are "giving advice."

No, I don't think people on buses, and in stores, and so-forth, are paying as much attention to us, as some of us think. Think about it----are YOU always looking-around at other people, or are you more often lost in your own little world / thoughts (or, when on the bus, lost in a book or crossword puzzle, or something, as *I* always am - and most people, these days, it seems, are glued to checkin'-out whatever on their phone)? That's another reason why I said one should take alot of what's said, here, with a grain of salt----I feel alot of these people (NOT ALL) are terribly insecure, and projecting what they feel is "bad" / "lacking" / whatever, about themselves. I think it's quite possible that some people would be quite surprised at how much other people DON'T consider them.

It seems like you were much more confident / secure, BEFORE you came here----you just have to figure-out how to get to "that place", again.


Well, in ONE sense, you ARE gonna be weird, for the rest of your life, basically----BUT, you CAN do something about it, in the sense that you can appear "not AS weird"; and, that is just gonna take time (we all, because we're different, need extra time to learn things - so, don't be so hard on yourself).


Don't do this, anymore----BAD IDEA!! This is projecting----you're gonna "make" people treat you badly, cuz you're EXPECTING them, to!!

Lemme tell ya, a little story.....

Once-upon-a-time, I thought to myself: "Well, since I can't get along with anybody / do anything, right, I'll just totally keep my mouth, SHUT----THAT should do it, cuz if I'm not saying ANYTHING, then I can't say the WRONG thing"; didn't work. Why? Cuz then I was presenting myself as someone who was either angry, grouchy, mean, whatever, and it made some people think they needed to pick a fight with me, or something----whereas, when I walked into a place, with my usual smiling / friendly self, most people treated me in a smiling / friendly, way (and, those who didn't, that told me there was something wrong, with THEM).


That's right----they WON'T----cuz it doesn't "show" in the way, quite frankly, the whiners on here, have got you believing it DOES; and, IMO, that's what you have to keep in mind (that people, most probably, are NOT judging you, for all the reasons, you presume), and to just go-about conducting business, the way you normally do----and if someone treats you like a ret*d..... First-of-all, really THINK about what happened----were you EXPECTING them, to treat you badly? If NOT, then I would say, that's on THEM (meaning, maybe THEY were just having a bad day, and the way they treated you, DIDN'T, in-fact, have ANYTHING to do with the way you presented, yourself).

Like I said, before: You can't please ALL the people, ALL the time----and, without meaning to sound selfish, aren't YOU the most important person, anyway? If you don't do what keeps YOU emotionally healthy, nobody else will matter, huh?

I guess a thing to do would be to somehow put a mental/emotional insulation, a delay, a door, between your being and what you encounter other people saying. Let in small bites at a time to look at and evaluate.
I know that can be done, but I can not give instructions telling what to use and where to put it such as model kits have.

It's easy to become insecure when reading about all the experiences people had. While some might argue that the 'whiners' on here have no idea what they're talking about, you can't just discredit it all as non-sense that easily.

The most important thing is to not make your self-worth dependent on what other people think of you. Yes, people (pre-)judge. Especially the younger generations. It's a lot to do with the rise of social media and everyone's obsession with their image towards others and how they want to represent themselves. PR for the individual so to speak. Of course some people take this to the extent of degrading others to make themselves look better in comparison, or so they believe.

This has only gotten worse over the last decade, especially if you frequent social media and internet forums where anonymity is an easy shield from repercussions. And that has seeped over into meat space, ever more so the more glued to their delusion of choice the people become.

However, and this is important, at the end of the logical road this presents will be the realization that whatever other people think of you is not gonna change your reality and who you are. That, only you can do. If you're plagued by self-conscious thought patterns, you should realize that that is what shows, not whatever oddness you have in you to begin with.

Be aware that whatever others perceive about you as odd, is just a lack of conformity. I'm not much older than you and I've been through pretty much the same. Don't try to fit in or be inconspicuous when you're not. I'm fairly certain that whatever you perceive about yourself as being inadequate is just an idea someone else planted into your mind (on purpose or not) to make someone feel terrible about themselves (perhaps you). Insecurity doesn't come from within, it comes from the outside. Just try not to let your mind get infested with the negativity of others.

Whenever insecurity is about to sneak in, just focus your thoughts on what you enjoy (your special interest) and it'll soon wane. Make this a habit and the negative thoughts will become rarer and disappear in the end.

I have two seemingly paradoxical things I notice about this.

One is that I've noticed all my life that some people seem to notice something about me that puzzles them. I just kind of put up with it. It's just "there." It happens. But not just by looking at me -- this is when I start to speak to someone, beyond a few words.

On the other hand, most people just around you generally -- especially people on the bus, etc -- aren't even looking at you. Seriously, I think all human beings (not just those on the spectrum) have a tendency to think that strangers are noticing them more acutely than they probably actually are.

Most people are lost in their own worlds and not that curious about the people around them. In my city, just walking along the street, if I actually do look at people's faces to find out if they are looking at me, they mostly are not! They are lost in their own thoughts, and it's too busy for everyone to even make eye contact with everyone else.

I really don't think most people in a busy setting notice other people as much as you think.

So this is actually a *really* good point, and I have to remind myself of this all of the time! Those of us on the spectrum, our mind is always going. We are always analyzing things and people. I try to figure out what a person does for a living based on appearance, or perhaps a conversation they are having on the phone. I'm always observing. Always! Neurotypicals don't do that, for the most part. I think you'll find that people are far less interested in you that you think they are. And don't be offended, that's just normal for all people. If you ever get into the movie business, then you should be concerned.

THIS!! !!

Please don't feel insecure, anti_gone (and anyone else who's dealing with this). As said above, we on the spectrum notice everything, we kind of can't help it. Another Aspie might spot you by some commonalities (I've heard it called A-dar), but NTs probably will not. Muggles don't notice much of anything. NTs are so used to everyone being like them, they just expect you to be as "normal" as they are, and because the brain fills in blank spots when it thinks it knows what goes there, they likely don't have a clue that you aren't one of them.

And there's also the fact that this guy carried a python on a bus and nobody noticed. http://seananmcguire.tumblr.com/post/15 ... -conscious

I try to build myself up on the inside and try to learn myself and my reactions as much as possible so I can confront people when necessary (or at least I'm getting there). We feel insecure and scared because we fear unexpected results in a world that doesn't make sense (at least for part of the time). By knowing your own reactions to events from the outside world, it's easier to "fend off" this insecurity, at least I found it to be. It's hard to hide, but what isn't hard to show is confidence in ourselves. If we stop caring, it limits the ways in which we can be harmed in uncomfortable or aggressive social encounters, and that's what we fear, aggressive or uncomfortable social encounters. We don't have to be threatened by our lack of social signals, rather we should accept them and understand that other people's demands and irritations should have no sway over our own beliefs and behaviors, unless we harm them in some way.