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Sunday (9/23/07) Annie's Mailbox - Tallahassee Democrat

Dear Annie: I just finished reading about "John and Alice," the annoying
neighbors. My husband also stares and can say very inappropriate things.
We also do not have any friends. It's heartbreaking to see this wonderful
man judged and shunned by people who have not taken the time to find out
if there is a problem. They think he's strange. He has Asperger's.

My husband is intelligent and loving, but has poor social skills, lacks
empathy and comes across as emotionally immature. Yet he has the biggest
heart and gentlest soul. Every time someone makes a negative comment about
him, it tears my heart up. I wish people would walk in someone else's
shoes before assuming someone isn't worth knowing. I admit it isn't easy
at times, but the joy and love he gives me is worth it. — Indiana

Dear Indiana: We realize you may be reluctant to let people know your
husband has Asperger's, but then you cannot expect them to be
understanding when he behaves in socially inappropriate ways. If there are
people you would like to spend more time with, tell them what's going on
and give them the opportunity to appreciate your husband's good qualities
the way you do.

I don't like Indiana's response. So many people have "hidden diasbilities"/"mental disorders"... of all different kinds. You shouldn't have to wear it on a t-shirt. Other people should just wait a bit before judging sometimes.

In general, I agree with this statement.

However, some conditions cause people to behave in ways that are socially unacceptable, offensive, rude, and, basically, to behave in ways that no one wants to be around. Someone who has the type of Tourette's Syndrome that causes them to swear at inappropriate times might be an example. Another example is someone who has narcolepsy and falls asleep when the boss is talking to them. A third example could be what the letter-writer mentioned: saying inappropriate things in conversation.

All those things are offensive behaviors that in their particular cases are due to a medical condition, but in most cases the same behavior would be because the person is a jerk. Most people who swear a lot just like to swear. Most people who nod off during a meeting are bored or stayed up partying the night before. Most people who say inappropriate things in conversation do so intentionally because they think it's funny to do so. So if the person you are talking to swears at you/falls asleep/says something rude, the most likely explanation is that the person is a jerk.

If one is going to behave offensively and doesn't want others to take offense to his/her offensive behavior, then that person has a responsibility to let others know of some other reason for behaving offensively.


Or in other words, my point is that if the letter-writer's husband is consistently and regularly being extremely rude to everyone they meet, then they have a right not to want to be around him. Random strangers shouldn't be expected to put up with someone consistently being extremely offensive to them just on the very small chance that person has a legitimate reason for doing so and isn't doing it to be intentionally offensive.

The trouble is that neither letter specifies exactly what he does, isn't it? Is he just 'inappropriate' or actually very rude and offensive? And would the neighbours really accept him if he explained?

My current job is the first one I've held where I've explained to my bosses about my 'issues'. I had a scary serious meeting on my second day in which I had to justify myself and my ability to do the job whilst my boss tried to talk me into resigning because she 'didn't want to make me ill'.

I think you're right, I think sometimes letting people know is the 'right' thing to do. Unfortunately, there is no guarantee that their response will be understanding and acceptance.

The ones worth knowing, would. I mean, you're never going to please everyone. (That seems to be a point a lot of people around here don't get—no one gets along with everyone.) But some of them will. (My guess is the ones who are worth knowing, who would probably at least give him a chance, are the ones who say things like "Indiana's husband makes me nervous, he's always staring" and the ones not worth knowing, who wouldn't, say things like "Indiana's husband is a freakazoid.")

The letter says he says inappropriate things, stares, has poor social skills, lacks empathy, and comes across as emotionally immature. I think the combination of those is enough to make most people decide he's not worth knowing.

I'm under the impression these agony aunts just make it up on the way to work. It is just an opinion, mostly popularised for the readership.

Personally I don't think that telling the neighbours he has Asperger's will be the end of it necessarily. It is all a question of what he wants. She says they have no friends, it tears her heart up when they make negative comments. He might not be bothered at all.

Maybe she could find a social group outside of her neighbours.

I’m reminded of a story.

A long time ago, in a neighborhood far, far away, we had lychee trees. The new neighbor was German and spoke poor English. Nobody liked him very much, but my mother kept trying to understand him. One day in July she was picking lychees and he came over and said, “By what authority do you pick these?” With persistence she figured out that he meant, “How do you know it’s time?”

It seems most people are not interested in investing the time to get to know someone who is different.

Shame isn't it? If you don't fit the mold you're on the outside looking in most of the time.

You're mom sounds like she was a very wise woman.

It's strange how quickly she is to defend those who don't understand people who act socially inappropriate.

I don't know she is, she sounds like one of those who up hold pointless social etiquette rules with the best justification of "it's tradition..."

I would think understanding would be a part of etiquette....

What's funny is, you'd think that amongst a population which is generally obsessed with structures and predictability, something like etiquette would be a Godsend. It's rules for social interaction. Does it matter how objectively sensible those rules are if they make interaction easier overall? Sometimes, you just have to accept that something makes someone else uncomfortable for a reason you can't comprehend. I try not to do that thing because I have respect for their feelings, I don't need any other reason.