Help! People think I'm just immature & need to grow up.

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I've been diagnosed with an autistic spectrum disorder and ADHD and told that my social problems are due to a neurological disorder... How do I explain this to people? The last time I tried to explain to someone I loved that I had really bad ADD, that person just made fun of me.. saying.. ha! A.D.D.D.D.D.D.D. like it didn't exist.. and like I just needed to toughen up...

I've had a life-time of abuse from parents, classmates when I was younger, other family, "friends" and love interests who don't seem to understand me.. or maybe I have it all wrong...

Maybe it is a complete personal failing on my part and I'm just a loser in every respect, spoiled and unwilling to grow up... in my 40's without a job.. or without a lover or friends.. These people seem to really resent my breathing.. I've experienced such unbelievable rage and hatred from people that has been directed personally at me and don't even know why ... just for being myself.. I have tried to conform, but it never really works.. I'm tired of being taken for granted, talked down to and abused..

How can I get people to accept me for what I am.. OR is there some way to change? I've been trying to change for decades now, but to no avail.. I've had years of psychoanalysis to the tune of $1,000's of dollars, acting classes, forced myself into challenging social situations, joined clubs and volunteered at nonprofits. I've suffered for years and subjected myself to all sorts of difficult situations in an effort to "improve my social skills"..

I've was told by the professionals that diagnosed me that I have developed amazing coping skills to hide my disorder.. I may have made some improvements over the years in socializing, but I am no where near where I should be for someone who is in their 40's.. People are amazed at my lack of social skills when they observe me for a while, they even make jokes and comment on it.. They will say with disgust, "You need to improve your social skills!! !!" They don't know the suffering I have been through my whole life and all the tremendous efforts I have made to fit in.. They don't know that I am "blind" to something like 70% of the conversations that go on between people because I have difficulty seeing nonverbal communication... and they probably think it's because I'm a selfish A**hole and they have told me so on numerous occasions...

What do I tell these people?????? I've been trying to improve my whole life and have practically given up.. I feel really sad and alone... I don't even go out much or try to meet people because of all of the rejection... I have no confidence or self-esteem left.. there are only a couple of situations now that I go out of the house for.. a couple of classes in school and a music jam i attend and really enjoy.. The people there are other musicians and are mostly kind, but aren't people I can really talk to.. other than jammin'... but at least it gets me out of the house.. I just really am wanting to try a new tactic, I just don't know what I should do.. Maybe I should just not let those people get to me.. and know that they will never, ever really understand me.... I wish I could find more people like myself out there somewhere..

~L

I know how you feel

Wish I could articulate more at the moment....

yeah, I know, it sucks being us.
I am sorry, hon, my own heart is breaking too
and it just goes on and on

Merle

And here I thought, as time passed, there would be some light at the end of the tunnel. Not that I actually believed that, but it was a nice lie to tell myself .

I want a new one.

I was too immature for my last boyfriend because of my likes and personalities and the fact I have a short attention span, the stims I do and what kind of positions I sit in. Plus I was an embarrassment to him in the public.

There are several lengthy threads that talk about stims....

rocking, hand flapping, twirling, um....stuff like that....

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt59752.html

having a hard time finding those threads for some reason....

Tell them to grow up and stop being so narrow minded. You have a reason for your 'immaturity'. Well done on getting your diagnosis, what's their excuse?

Stick with the people here Felinity, they KNOW how you feel

Just avoid them.

You're only going to be able to adapt to a certain extent depending on your innate "functioning"; past a certain point you just hurt yourself for no gain. Knowing your weakness helps for you know what you can and cannot do; if you wish to socialize, you're going to have everything going against you due to having a disorder that severely affects your ability to. People tease you, be mean to you, deride you, for you're different to them, that's all; it's a social thing to shun the "weird" outsider, and I mean the genuine "weird" outsider, not just someone who thinks they're different. People cannot read you just as you cannot read them.

No job, no friends/partner, no matter your age, is the norm for those with a diagnosed ASD; it's the truth (especially those who don't use the 'net to interact).

People who'll accept/understand you for who and what you are, are out there, it's just hard to find them; far harder for those who're socially impaired.

A local ASD group thingy may be what you're looking for.

Thanks Daniel, I appreciate all that advice.

I appreciate all the advice here.. I didn't realize my topic, a sort of emotional venting, might get other people down... I think things have gotten somewhat better over the years.. I just have down moments... like today...

Maybe because I got the diagnosis a few years ago, it's been a big adjustment, but I'm not being as hard on myself.. because i know it's something I can't help, plus there is an upside.. I love music and have a gift for it... I'm just different, not inferior and most people are pretty narrow-minded to realize that some people are just born different and it is not immaturity at all..

Sorry if my thread got some people down.. Please don't give up, there has been alot more attempts to educate NT people not to be so shallow.. All people have their strengths and weaknesses.. There's also alot of research going on.. I might try neurofeedback.. I figure if I've gone this long.. and now, I know why I've had problems, then maybe there really can be "Light at the end of the tunnel"... Maybe it's not in searching/finding a "cure" or way to minimize "the symptoms", but maybe in being able to accept myself in spite of all the obstacles and opposition.. and to love myself for who I am, for who I was made to be.. hopefully, for some purpose.. I really do love music and am good at that -- It's my "calling", but it's hard to try and make a living that way..

Anyway, I'll feel better soon.. I go through times of feeling down and lift back up again...

~L

You didn't get me down
it pretty much is about educating NT people and teaching them to accept differences. I'm NT myself and it to us it does look well different. Accept you for you, your opinion of yourself is more important than what others think.

I get my sister speaking down to me all the time, like I am to emotionally crippled to deal with life, My older sister, who is a social worker, lots of fun have a social worker sister, always starts off a conversation with, "well you know" which is just too fake and condescending, its more like getting a lecture on all my faults and nothing I say is of consequence, I have given up on ever having a normal conversation with her. I won't tell her anything about me having aspergers, she has always called me immature, and has told all of my family that I am no good, but I have been the only one to help her out because I tried to care. Felinity, don't ever let people put you down, your not a loser, if someone puts you down, just walk away from them and cut off all contact with them if they can't be reasonable, WP has alot of great people to reach out too, who said aspies don't have empathy

Thanks Spudnik. I thought about being a social worker once, because I cared about people.. but I know I probably wouldn't be good at it and it would probably be stressful and depressing.. plus I have trouble telling when someone is lying, interpreting their gestures, etc.. but I DO care.. Your sister shouldn't talk condescending toward you.. I wonder, if you were to talk to her about being on the autistic spectrum, and the difficulties you have, if maybe she would understand you better? She ought to, being that she's a social worker.. she might even feel a bit guilty for treating you cruelly in the past.. if she knew...?

Thanks again for your advice. I really should just have the strength and fortitude to walk away when people talk rudely to me because I'm different.. sometimes, I don't realize when someone is being condescending.. I think I've been mistreated so much in my life, that I have accepted that and dismissed it... but not any longer.. I've decided that it is better to have no friends right now (I'm in a fairly new city) than "fake friends" or "friends" that don't respect me.. It's hard being alone though.. Eventually, I hope to meet more people and have real friends who will treat me right

Some writer once mentioned man's inhumanity to man. I feel nothing but despaired by the cruelty and abhorrent selfishness of the human "race." Your pain reminds me of our innate capacity for cruelty.

People are more cruel than they wish to believe. Despite any superficial appearances of kindness they project, their true selves will always show when confronted with the unusual or incomprehensible.

We are controlled by the surrounding culture. Whenever a problem arises, it is us rather than the culture that is to blame. It never occurs to people that the culture itself needs to be fixed.

Everything about people is phony and superficial. It is virtually impossible to have an authentic relationship with another human being.

We present phony personalities just to fit in and waste our short lives working soul-killing jobs for s**t we don't need. We sometimes try to establish sincerely empathetic relationships, but such efforts are always subordinated to other concerns, usually money or status.

Sometimes I seriously consider leaving the modern world behind me. Despite however crazy this sounds, I think we'd all be happier if we stopped competing with each other. Half our unhappiness comes from having to compete with everyone else. Sometimes mediocrity is best.