Alone time and showing up unannounced

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I'm having a bit of an issue with my partner right now. She and I have been together for ten years (see? Aspies CAN form long-term relationships! Lol) and are very happy together. However, we seem to have a serious disagreement about 'alone time' and about whether it is okay to turn up unannounced on each other's doorsteps.

I am a very solitary person. I don't socialise much, if at all, and I am very happy in my own company. My girlfriend, however, doesn't like being alone at all. When she's not at classes (we both attend university), she's over at my apartment and, more nights than not, she spends the night here using my bed while I sleep on a spare mattress on the floor (which I am perfectly happy to sleep on).

The problem is, she gets very upset when I don't want to spend every waking moment with her. She wants to be over at my apartment every evening and every weekend. She says that if we are ever to live together, I'll have to get used to her always being around, and so I shouldn't have a problem with it now. If I, politely and tactfully, tell her that I would like some 'me' time for an evening or a night, she gets upset and accuses me of not wanting her around.

Another thing she does, which I'm told is perfectly acceptable in an NT world, is to show up at my apartment without any arrangement. Sometimes she'll turn up at my door at 11.30pm saying she's lonely and missed me. I have asked her not to do this because it really freaks me out when people turn up without me knowing they're coming, and she says she'll stop, but then she does it again.

She knows I have problems with being around people for too long, but she says that she 'shouldn't count' as part of that because she's my girlfriend and not a stranger. She offers to just sit in my room quietly while I do my computer stuff, but doesn't seem to understand that I need to be PHYSICALLY alone to fully unwind.

Am I being unreasonable or are my feelings valid? She is a wonderful girlfriend in every other way and I love her dearly, but this is starting to really stress me out.

She should respect your needs and stop being so selfish. There is nothing unreasonable about valuing your solitude.

Both of you need to work out a plan. Plan what weekends to spend together, so that she knows what is acceptable and what isn't.
And you need to sit her down and give her a serious talk about announcing when she is coming over, and make it very clear. Give consequences for her actions.



Are you making it very clear to her that this is upsetting you?

Yeah, but she says it shouldn't apply to her and that she's lonely without me. She doesn't seem to understand that it's nothing personal... she interprets it as me turning her away because I don't want to have HER specifically around, even though I've repeatedly told her that's not the case.

QFT

I'd hoped that if/when we live together, that wouldn't mean spending every single moment together, and that I could still retreat to the study for some alone time when I need it. But it sounds like you're saying that's not reasonable or possible when living together?

I did not think it was acceptable behavior in the NT world to show up unannounced.

No not at all, but you do have to get used to them being around all the time. Children make alone time even more of a challenge. Sometimes you have to sacrafice a bit. Luckily I have a partner who is not needy and apreciates the fact I am not either. Your relationship sounds fairly new, though. Maybe she will get tired of being up your butt non stop, maybe not. Sounds like you both may need to compromise a little.

It's not new, we've been together for ten years actually, although we've never lived as close to each other as we do now. I certainly don't intend to have kids for a while! I'm happy to spend time with my partner, which I do pretty much every day... I compromise as much as I can, but she just can't seem to do the same.

You have needs and in this relationship too. Your girlfriend is being very selfish in refusing to contemplate needs different to her own expectations. Whether or not she feels this way, for some people there is a need for alone time that means complete physical aloneness. This does not magically disappear when you acquire a girlfriend or boyfriend.

Yeah. That is a tough one, especially since you have so much time invested in the relationship. I am not sure what to say about someone who is willing to stick with you for ten years but cannot stand for you to be in another room alone.

As you say your reply to this thread, you are willing to compromise, but seems she is not. Things are out of balance. She seems to be invoking some NT rules that there is no authority for, and why should any social authority rule your life? Seems the arrangement is stressing you out, and you have a need for solitude. And acceptance. I think what you want is perfectly reasonable.

I can understand how your girlfriend feels, because I am a very clingy person myself, but luckily so is my husband (maybe even a bit more than me) so we don't have your issue. I think it's important to respect and accept you as you are, so you can get what you need.

I think she's wrong about what is normal for NT's. It may be conventional in some circles, but not necessarily all. Your complaint of not getting the alone time is very common among NT couples, in my experience. There's often that imbalance that needs some work. You've stated here very clearly what you need. She is telling you that you should drop that and conform. She is the one that needs the attitude adjustment on that point, wonderful as she may otherwise be. Particularly when people live together, they generally will need to carve out space and time alone.

Instead of being so polite and tactful (which may read as distance, thereby triggering her clinginess further), open your heart to her and ask for her acceptance and that you need this and request she help you get what you need and so you can be free from the stress that has been building up. Ask her for that gift. I don't see why you can't get it. She just needs to stop acting selfishly on this point.

I agree. Alone time is craved whether you are NT or not. My NT husband and I are perfectly happy to pursue our own interest without the other around - we have even vacationed separately! your girlfriend seems to be suffering some kind of anxiety at being left alone. It is not unreasonable to ask for distance. You can tell her until you are blue int he face that it is not her, but ultimately, she will think what she wants and there is nothing that you can do about that.

Yes, I guess that maybe under her extrovert and confident exterior, she is actually a little insecure?

It also occured to me just now that maybe she is afraid to leave me alone for too long because of the time (a few weeks ago) when I took a pills overdose and spent the night in hospital. Maybe she's afraid I'll do something like that again if I sink into a depression while I'm alone? I've told her it won't happen.

Hmm... perhaps try telling her that if you and she are ever to live together, she will have to get used to you needing your space, because that is what you are like and you are not going to change who you are.

She sounds incredibly selfish. As for her saying that in the NT world it's acceptable to turn up unannounced, tell her that a relationship with you is not the same as being in the NT world. Tell her that in your world it is unaccaptable, and that either she accepts you as you are, or the relationship can't happen.

Really, she doesn't sound as if she loves you. She wants you to change who you are for her. That is not what love is about. If she wants someone to be with her 24/7, she needs to find someone who is not an aspie. It is quite possible for aspies to have relationships with NTs who are tolerant and accepting of who they are. And I know quite a few NTs who like their space, and who would never dream of turning up at someone's house unannounced.

And even if she is insecure, that is not your problem. We all have our insecurities, but that doesn't make it right to manipulate others to act in a way to assuage them.

So if I'm reading right, she's been with you since she was 14? That's unusual in itself. Most girls that age go through a number of boyfriends before settling down.

I do think she's a bit insecure. I was in a relationship like that. It's not unique to AS, NTs complain about 'clingy' relationships.

Dropping by for 'no-notice hospitality checks' is a bit much. I'm married, with kids and grandkids around, and I do like a bit of 'quiet time' to myself. I understand how you feel.

If she cares for you that much, maybe she'll be open to a gradual 'equalization' of how much she's around, and you paying attention to her. It's ok to have some space between each other, it's a balance you'll have to figure out what works best for you.

Well, that does change how one might view the situation. I think you may have just figured out the answer to your own question.