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Writergirl53
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18 Sep 2017, 5:27 am

I don't know what to do with my situation anymore. I'm 21, and I've been living on my own (like completely alone, no roommates or anything,) for about three or four months now, and I hate it! My parents don't want me at home because of my schedule issues, and nobody will room with me, because I'm a hazardously unclean nuisance, so my parents basically just got me this bachelor apartment and stuck me here. I don't have to worry about bills or anything, but I'm ridiculously poor, can't find work for the life of me, and my life seems to be one great long strong of misfortunes caused entirely by my own obvious unreadiness to be out on my own. (The latest is that now my bed has maggots, and I'm afraid to go to sleep). And I deal with a lot of depression, and I just don't know what to do, because I don't feel like there's any way out of my situation whatsoever, everything seems totally hopeless, and if the mental health issues don't kill me, (they probably won't, I'm stubborn like that,) then no doubt my endless string of new and surprising misfortune, (so far including charming hits like attracting a stalker, which caused my dad to ban me from online dating and having any sort of visible social media presence, and getting my phone stolen by a homeless guy, which caused me to have to use leftover money from an Amazon gift card my mom had given me to buy a cheap Chinese smart phone just so I had internet to do the only work I actually do ever manage to find, which is my freelance writing.) This whole thing is so frustrating because it's like the world just wrote me off because I was too big of an inconvenience for everybody else, and I know people think they're helping me by forcing me to learn on my own or whatever, but whatever miracle my parents are waiting for isn't going to happen, and I wish somebody would just get that, and honestly, I don't even know why I'm posting this, and I'll probably just delete it before I hit "post" anyway, because I know the whole thing is dumb and I'm just overtired, and it's not like I want people to feel sorry for me anyway, but I guess I just wanted to get that off my chest, and I guess I am posting this, so like if you have any contructive advice, (or if you know how to get maggots out of a bed for the love of God,) I'm all ears.



ASPartOfMe
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18 Sep 2017, 9:04 am

You have to try and not think of the "big picture" but fix or ease one or two manageable issues at a time. The "big picture" or overall situation seems too depressing, and with that mindset, you are defeating yourself before you even start.
You can concentrate either on finding a job or making your apartment more presentable.

I would advise concentrating on organizing your apartment first. Your apartment need not be the greatest ever just presentable. When your apartment is decent you will be more confident. You need some self-confidence when applying for jobs and entering into relationships. Even the job of improving your apartment should be broken down into MANAGEABLE individual chores.

We have a lot of members that have problems with depression, planning things, and starting chores and projects. These problems often co-occur with autism. If you do not know how to do something there are people here who can give you advice.

Maggot Facts: Where They Come From and Getting Rid of Them

I wish for your improvement in your life.


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Noca
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18 Sep 2017, 9:06 pm

I wouldn't know how to make it living on my own either, can't really understand why or articulate it other than it has to with my autism. Daily living skills which normal people find incredibly easy and take for granted are incredibly difficult for me.

Don't really have any advice as I don't know what I will do when I reach a point where I am in your shoes, other than to say I understand what you are going through and empathize.


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Benjamin the Donkey
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20 Sep 2017, 11:09 am

I have a seemingly normal adult life, but it causes me a huge amount of stress to maintain it, and I'm always at risk--or at least feel at risk--of a major screw-up. Sometimes I'm still amazed to find myself doing "adult" things like paying bills or ordering food in a restaurant. I'll be 54 in three days, by the way.


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Sofisol612
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20 Sep 2017, 4:54 pm

Well, you're not the only young adult in the world who feels unprepared for adult life. I'm also 21 and am far from being independent. I'm still living with my parents and, if I lived by myself in an apartment, my diet would consist of pasta and delivered food because I can't cook anything else. Besides, my mother never bothered to teach me how to do the housework, so there are many things I have yet to learn before I leave home. And there's still the issue of money: I hate maths, have not the least idea of how to make a budget even for groceries, and I'm working three hours a week as a teacher in an institute while I finish my course of studies, and I obviously can't live of what I earn.

However, my mother is confident I will be able to live independently in the near future. The thing is, I need help to learn the skills requiered for adult life and, in my opinion, so do you. If you still have a relatively positive relationship with your parents, I'd suggest that you ask for their advise. Maybe they can help you. And also, I know that sometimes the entire world seems to be against you, but you need to remember that that's not true, and if you have a stalker and your phone got stolen, that's not your fault and it doesn't mean that you can't be an adult.



Nay
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20 Sep 2017, 5:00 pm

Happy Birthday benjamin!

Hi Writergirl, i believe you need to be on your own for now to think things through plus you need to get away from your parents for a while to give you both a break. It might do you some good. You are not alone when you have Jesus to talk to.

Kind Regards, Nay.



Nay
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20 Sep 2017, 5:23 pm

Make your decisions and if they are mistakes then you will learn from them. But always lay out your plans before God first.

Kind Regards, Nay.



Writergirl53
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24 Sep 2017, 12:24 am

Hey guys, just wanted to say thank you so much for all of the positive and helpful responses. I had a rough couple of days, but I'm doing a lot better now :) (And I even managed to get my place cleaned up and the damned maggots out XD) Thanks again! :)



AspieSingleDad
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25 Sep 2017, 7:12 am

I'd like to make a recommendation. My wife had this book called Sink Reflections, which is a book that combines house cleaning with organization. Basically it starts with getting your kitchen sink spotless regardless of how the rest of your place looks, and than systematically working your way through the house. I usually find books like that corny, but when my wife passed I read the book and followed it and it worked really well. That's Sink Reflections by Marla Cilley. I bet you could pick it up at your local library. After you focus on getting your apartment together, I bet you'll feel a lot better.

As far as making money is concerned, it sounds like you have been making some money writing. That sounds like a cool way to make money! Writing from some Chinese Android phone doesn't sound too good though. So I'm going to school for physical therapy and one of the students had their place broken into the other day. The students got together and bought her a Chromebook for $159 and a 256 gig thumb drive for $20. The Chromebook has a 15 inch screen and boots up in like 5 seconds. It gets like 15 hours of battery life. It's crazy how good it is! A device like that would be perfect for your writing and you could make a goal of saving up for it. Heck, you could try to crowd fund it, it wouldn't take much!

I have a feeling you'll be able to get on your feet and take control of your life. You can do this!

P.S.

After you have your apartment together and you get some money in your pocket, don't consider yourself and adult. Being an adult is overrated. Keep your youth as long as you can and try not to be TOO responsible for goodness sake, your too young to be too responsible!



vickygleitz
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25 Sep 2017, 1:21 pm

I like everyones' suggestions, Aspie Single Dads' in particular.

Your parents sound like they really do love you and they really do care but that they don't know HOW to do what is best to help you. I am an Autistic old woman. I raised 3 children. I did not only love them but they were my perveserations. I was determined to raise my children so that they would know how loved they were {i was not and am not loved by my family]

Well, 1 of my kids is Autistic [with some horrendous medical problems] and one is "creatively wired" in other ways. My third child is extremely neurotypical, and she can not stand me because she can not stand how I raised her. I raised her with the heart and values of an Autistic person[ I did not know I was Autistic at the time] I could give a long list of her problems with me. Of course she was embarrassed by my weirdness, but I think her biggest problem with me is that I stressed the importance of not being shallow, non-pretentiousness and not "following the crowd"

I know that even neurotypicals say not to be pretentious, shallow, or follow the crowd, but I never knew that they don't really mean it. My raising a neurotypical caused so many problems because I am NOT neurotypical and it caused hardship for my daughter.

Your parents are neurotypicals raising an Autistic, and just as I did not know how to raise a neurotypical child [and I thought I was doing it so well] your parents are clueless about how to raise an Autistic.

One thing, Autistic kids do not mature and become responsible or motivated on the same time table as Neurotypiicals. And there is not a timeline for Autistic young people, but generally it takes much longer for an Autistic person to learn how to cope [somewhat] in an intensely neurotypical world. Could you explain this to your folks? Or show them this post. Maybe if they knew the mistakes I made raising a child with a different neurology than my own, then they could understand how to best help you.



kraftiekortie
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25 Sep 2017, 9:39 pm

Congratulations on cleaning your apartment and getting rid of the maggots.

That really is quite a great accomplishment (I'm not being ironic).

What sort of writing do you do?



lorknozzel
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28 Sep 2017, 9:00 pm

I know I'm late to the party here but I have something that will help you with managing tasks, I struggle with that process to this day myself. Like ASPartOfMe suggested, don't overwhelm yourself by thinking about everything that needs doing, it took me until I was in my 30's to stop doing that to myself. That was when someone told me to try this...

Make a list of ten things you want to get done and put it someplace you will see it several times a day, the fridge works for me. Make half the list really easy stuff, take out the trash, wash the dishes, clean the counter, etc. Make three items slightly harder but not a major chore, do laundry, go shop for groceries, etc. Make the other two items be things that you find difficult to get done, like vaccum and sweep the whole house - even under the furniture, clean the entire bathroom, clean all the windows, whatever. Base that on what you find easy or hard, a hard task might be a physical chore or just something that you have a hard time getting motivated to do. You can break big tasks down into smaller more manageable bits like ASPartOfMe also suggested.

Make sure you do at least one item on the list each day and always replace a task you finish with one equally as difficult or easy. On good days you may do a few things and on bad days you'll at least get something accomplished, no matter how trivial, and that always helps :)

Best of luck and try not to worry, the only thing worrying changes is your health ;)



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29 Sep 2017, 1:02 pm

It's a common problem, I think we just have it worse than most! Most of the students at the university where I work live in filthy pits, make basic kitchen errors like trying to cook pasta without any water, and don't understand how buses work. Other cleaners find them exasperating, but I can kind of relate because I'm still a bit like that at age thirty-bloody-seven.

There's pros and cons to living alone. One of the tricky things is housework. Ironically, given my job, I really struggle to find the time, energy and intelligence to do it. Can't figure out how to do the bathroom properly without all my University-issued gear... It's always worth remembering that it IS hard for an autistic person living alone- praise yourself when you get stuff done, but don't hate yourself when you don't.

Congratulations on your maggot removal! Genuinely impressed with your resourcefulness. I got a second-hand sofa that turned out to be mouldy. After 3 months of failed efforts to de-mould it, I put it outside to be removed by the council. (Ended up not having to pay, 'cos the people from upstairs grabbed it in the middle of the night. Clearly they have no sense of smell.)


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30 Sep 2017, 1:39 am

Writergirl53 wrote:
I don't know what to do with my situation anymore. I'm 21, and I've been living on my own (like completely alone, no roommates or anything,) for about three or four months now, and I hate it! My parents don't want me at home because of my schedule issues, and nobody will room with me, because I'm a hazardously unclean nuisance, so my parents basically just got me this bachelor apartment and stuck me here. I don't have to worry about bills or anything, but I'm ridiculously poor, can't find work for the life of me, and my life seems to be one great long strong of misfortunes caused entirely by my own obvious unreadiness to be out on my own. (The latest is that now my bed has maggots, and I'm afraid to go to sleep). And I deal with a lot of depression, and I just don't know what to do, because I don't feel like there's any way out of my situation whatsoever, everything seems totally hopeless, and if the mental health issues don't kill me, (they probably won't, I'm stubborn like that,) then no doubt my endless string of new and surprising misfortune, (so far including charming hits like attracting a stalker, which caused my dad to ban me from online dating and having any sort of visible social media presence, and getting my phone stolen by a homeless guy, which caused me to have to use leftover money from an Amazon gift card my mom had given me to buy a cheap Chinese smart phone just so I had internet to do the only work I actually do ever manage to find, which is my freelance writing.) This whole thing is so frustrating because it's like the world just wrote me off because I was too big of an inconvenience for everybody else, and I know people think they're helping me by forcing me to learn on my own or whatever, but whatever miracle my parents are waiting for isn't going to happen, and I wish somebody would just get that, and honestly, I don't even know why I'm posting this, and I'll probably just delete it before I hit "post" anyway, because I know the whole thing is dumb and I'm just overtired, and it's not like I want people to feel sorry for me anyway, but I guess I just wanted to get that off my chest, and I guess I am posting this, so like if you have any contructive advice, (or if you know how to get maggots out of a bed for the love of God,) I'm all ears.


Why does your bed have maggots? It's ok to be a slob provided you are a clean slob, and your mess does not attract pests and is not a fire hazard. Food waste should go in the trash and that must be taken out a few times per week.

As for your mental health problems, while you might not be able to get rid of them, it is quite possible to take a vacation from them. I do not mean in any illicit manner. What I mean is, it's ok to have a day where you do something safe that you enjoy doing, and not think about your mental health problems. You probably already do this to some degree without realizing it, in smaller bits of time, when you are very engaged with something or distracted, where you switch focus for a moment and are not thinking about your problems.

Have you considered college?



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01 Oct 2017, 2:19 pm

I am in similar situation as you - I moved out from my parents house for the first time in my life 3 months ago - but I do better and I do have a flatmate. She has insane working hours so she is rarely home and when she is she locks herself in her room and I can only hear her watching youtube so it's almost as if I were living alone - but I have someone to ask questions if I need to.
Maybe you could share a flat with someone too, once you fix your dirty lifestyle? Which you probably already did - getting rid of maggots is quite an accomplishment and I am not kidding, my family house is full of moths and after 4 years of fight we gave up and learned to live with them.
I am not a clean freak either but I keep my area in "artistic chaos" state - I make sure to clean the food leftovers and take out dangerous trash regularly (or at least I try, lol - I am better than my flatmate in that field though because I do have sense of smell) - and my flatmate room is almost as messy so there are no complains. The only problem is common area - bathroom, hall and kitchen. It took me a while to get into the irregular cleaning schedule (each of us cleans something when we feel like it - but because there are tasks noone of us likes to do sometimes we wouldn't sweep/vacuum for 4 weeks straight and it gotten pretty bad - considering 2 furry cats living with us, lol). But we made a compromise to take shifts every week and now the house isn't half bad although I wouldn't dare to eat from floor.

I also have problem with job searching and it's making me pretty depressed. But I found my pace and I try not to push myself too hard, although the flatmate keeps asking me how my job hunting goes. I am on disability pension, which lets me pay bills (I pay them to the flatmate, which is also the flat owner), my family helps me a bit and I sell stuff on flea market on Sundays (I was a hoarder when I were living at parents house so I have a lot of stuff that won't fit in my new room anyway and I don't plan on returning to my parents anytime soon - so I take some with me every week, when I visit my family home) so I have enough money for food. I can't afford restaurant food and I can't stand the queue in the cheap homefood bar nearby though so I am trying to cook by myself and I only know how to cook pasta and pre-made food I buy in supermarkets and I am also too disorganized to remember I am supposed to eat. So I end up taking less calories than I need per day, I think.

I had some bad experiences. I got robbed once of the stuff I was selling because I entrusted them to an idiot colleague and he left them unattended - I am not leaving anything under his care anymore. And a drunkyard went and collapsed right next to my stuff, hitting his head - there was a lot of people there, including his friends (which gave him a pillow and a blanket and told me he will sleep it off) and I told them I think he needs an ambulance but they disagreed with me so I packed my stuff and left the place, deciding I don't want to see him dead or vomiting on my stuff. I feel pretty bad for not calling for help but I am afraid of making phone calls and I didn't think it's my role (why do I have to if there is 50 adults around and another bunch of people passing by?). I told people around I think he needs an ambulance so perhaps someone actually called after I left. I hope so.

But my overall experience living alone is good - I learned a lot of stuff and I am more independent now. I didn't even know how to use public transport before I moved - and now I'm telling random strangers how to get from point A to point B because I know the whole network of trams/buses and their stops. I also learned hot to make baskets out of paper wicker and I am trying to sell them. And I am attending some free classes I found.
I also realized what kind of issues I have to work on (such as making phone calls and being assertive) so I am slowly becoming an adult. I give myself time to do that. I know I won't learn everything in one day or even a few months - but I see a huge improvement compared to when I were living at home. I am much braver now.

So my suggestion is: do what you can, identify what you have trouble with, work on those issues and don't be too hard on yourself when you find yourself unable to do something or that something seems too difficult for you. Take it slow. Improve what you can improve, accept what you can't. Problems are easier to deal with when you take them one at a time. Sometimes its a wise thing to put some goals on hold, till you get your life together. For now I put my job hunting on hold - and returning to it only when I am in right mood. I am not dieing of starvation so it's not urgent and I have almost 3 years to cure myself enough to get one. And if I don't manage to do so - they will prolong my disability pension.