Obsessively trying to master things

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Hey everyone. This is my first post here, but I've been a reader for quite some time.

I hadn't read anything specific enough to match my own experience, so I wondered if others felt in a similar way...

I have begun to suspect as I've gotten older (in my 30s) that almost all the activities and interests that I've found enjoyment in...I'm not really interested in directly, or even find any inherent enjoyment in them. These are things ranging from hobbies like astronomy, ham radio, cooking, endurance sports, to daily activities like driving, shopping, learning to budget, to social things like club leadership, volunteering... to relationship skills, self awareness and introspection, even including sexual activity once I finally found a partner that I wanted to do that sort of thing with! Every one of these things I have participated in, I'd say to an obsessive degree, until I felt the satisfaction of being proficient in them. The obsessiveness seems driven mostly by my need to feel like I've got some control over the activity, like I'm not clueless, like no matter what comes up, I've practiced enough that I can have confidence in myself to be able to handle the scenario.

So my theory is this: I think I've felt so OUT of control of so many things in my life, due to sensory issues, not knowing wtf the NT's in my life want out of me, being both misunderstood and misunderstanding by taking things too literally, and being thrust into situations where there was no clear cut answer or "script" to follow - that I developed a coping mechanism over time of basically taking anything that came across my path and attempting to master it, to avoid the feeling of instability that comes with trying to function in a world that is not made for my brain. Everything moves too fast, is too loud, too bright, too many people brushing up against me in crowds, etc. etc. etc., and the only way to cope was to just to practice, like one would practice holding their breath underwater and defying their body's reactions to the feeling of drowning. The world already leaves me feeling unstable and off balance, so the last thing I need is for something that's supposed to be "fun" to add to that feeling. So, I redefined "fun" as "the experience of being so good at something that it doesn't suck as much anymore."

It's really gotten me thinking over the past couple of years, as I've tried to consciously unmask more and more, listen to my body, and accept the way that I am - that very few of the things I do actually bring what I really want - peace and calm. Most of them just destabilize me, and I compulsively participate in them just to return to a sense of balance. It's really only times where I can get away from everyone, go outdoors, with no schedule, no company, just me, the trees, the sky, the critters, that I even get a glimpse of what it's like to feel calm, collected, and let my guard down.

So...does that sound familiar to anyone else? I spent most of my life thinking that everyone in the world experienced life like I've described - come to find out, apparently they don't, which explains why everything feels so exhausting, just to achieve what seems like basic functioning.

EDIT: sorry if this isn't the right forum, maybe should have gone in the in-depth adult discussion lol

Hi

This forum is usually used for adult issues of a sexual nature.
You can request to have it moved by a moderator here: viewtopic.php?t=406797#p9064288

Thanks. Got it moved

After I was clinically diagnosed with autism, one of the things I did to reduce my overall levels of stress was to move to a rural area. Things are more simple out here. They're certainly more quiet.

There's probably something in the control theory, but I see it as more than that, at least in my case.

Dad used to say that although it took me longer than most people to understand a thing, when I got there I understood it better than most people. And until I got there, I didn't understand it at all. There are several extreme things like that with ASD. I always overthink things, and often wish I didn't waste so much time like that, but I've no idea which bits of thought I can skip, so I have to do the whole lot. I can't prioritise very easily because to me everything is very important if it matters at all. After all these years I still nearly always weigh recipe ingredients out to an insane level of accuracy, because I've usually no idea what kind of error is acceptable.

I can't even fry an egg without trying to do it really well. I think the reason is that I can't easily figure out which bits of care and attention to detail I can safely leave out.

It's so fixed in me to be that way that I tend to accept it and try to turn it to my advantage. The world needs people who do a good job. And I tend to notice how slapdash the results of other people can be, and have to fight the temptation to view then as inept or sloppy workers. Of course sometimes that's exactly what they are, but some of their results are good enough. Anyway, if it were all about control, why would I feel so bad about other people's shoddy work? Shouldn't I feel indifferent, or glad that I'm able to do it better?

That’s how doing very nearly everything goes for me! It’s like I can’t do ANY of something without doing ALL of it…which simultaneously makes me nearly an expert at anything I take on…and also making it feel excruciatingly slow to figure out and get anything done.

I’m sure it is frustrating for the other people in my life, because I can’t seem to just jump ahead and “get to the point” in my own mind so I can finish a task and move on. It’s like I don’t have any way to tell what “good enough” without having fully understood the task, problem, etc. Like you said, what details can be safely left out? How am I supposed to know that if I haven’t fully understood and evaluated them?


I’ve also accepted that this is how my mind works, and I’ve gravitated towards activities that allow me to turn it to my advantage. Things like astrophotography, where it moves at a slow, predictable pace, where I have time to tinker, test, and understand things until I get it right. It’s so enjoyable to not be rushed, and just let what I am learning sink in at its own pace.

However I often have issues when interfacing with other people: in relationships, my job, or even just doing an activity I haven’t done before. I long to be able to take my time to understand what I’m doing so I can do it well: which seems to frustrate the other people involved because they want to just breeze through at their “normal” pace. So I have to choose whether to frustrate them, or frustrate myself (usually the latter) and then wait for an outlet like my astrophotography where I can slow things down to my natural pace and stop feeling like I’m being dragged along by the hair

I’m in my early thirties and still trying to learn any effective ways to cope with this…so it makes me feel a bit better knowing there are others out there having the same experience.

Yes the all-or-nothing problem is quite common with us. I've made some progress since realising that's what I'm doing, but I think it'll always be a problem. It does have a worse impact when there's involvement with other people. I was lucky because my job didn't need a lot of collaboration in real time. They usually gave me my head to do things in my own way, and as it was science, they appreciated my care and attention to detail.

Out in the "real" world, they're not so scientific, and it shows. Generally I remember to check whether the results are particularly important, and they often aren't, so then I tend to take the attitude that if it goes wrong, it doesn't much matter. I've always been able to wing it to some extent. Even with my own stuff I can get bored with the meticulous planning so I started playing it by ear more often. Somewhere I picked up the idea that mistakes aren't usually very bad, and can lead to useful learning.