Reacting to an ultimatium

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I live in a condo complex with all sort of rules and one of them happens to be a policy about feeding neighborhood strays. This is because of pest controls in terms of other rodents and sometimes roaches. I notice other neighbors feeding their cat and no one else really seems to bother them. In fact, one of the members on the board is working with another one to catch the strays to get them fixed.

Anyway, I just adopted a new kitten today and I have been taking care of one of the strays for over two years now by letting him in to feed and let him sleep. So, since I brought the other cat home, I decided to try feeding my cat outside to feed him so he would not get into a fight with another cat which led me to leaving a bowl outside for him while I went to the store to get some stuff for the new kitty. I came home and found that the dish was gone and a note on my door with a "It's against the rules to feed stray cats. I will report you next time."

I could figure out that it was one of former presidents of the HOA board who lives up stairs. So I wrote a note back and by saying, "To whom this may concern, do you threaten me again or I will report you." I left it on their door just in case it was them.

I also confronted one of the other neighbors and told her what was going on. She said "No," and got really silent when I told her what the note said.

I called her a "bi*&^% at her response and shut the door.

Finally, I just let it all out by screaming out my anger and frustration. I said some stupid things but I felt like I needed to vent. I also slammed my front door a few times.

How should I have handled it differently? I didn't mean to go against the rules. I just don't like being talked to like that. How do I handle future threats like that. Also, do you think I might notify the nice board member and explain the situation?

Be very careful with your neighbors. If enough complaints end up on the condo board's desk you'll be evicted.

Your response sounds inappropriate to the situation. The wrongness of the person stealing your bowl and leaving the note will be outweighed by your own threatening behavior. Unfortunately, you lost your leg to stand on. Next time maybe vent inside and away from prying eyes.

You should not have ranted like that at anyone. Now they think you are a crazy, and perhaps violent person. They might have called the police. Not good. Instead, you should kept cool, and have let people know you are in the process of adopting one of the strays, and left the food out for it. Then, do adopt it. The two cats will eventually work things out between themselves. People add cats to existing cat homes all the time. Also, I hope you've taken care of getting both of them vaccinated for rabies, etc. People can get rabies from rabid pets, so the cats should be vaccinated.

Anyway good luck with the cats, and from now on, no ranting at the neighbors.

I realize that. I need to find a better way to vent and also set boundaries with people who threaten me.


I am not going to sit around and be threatened. In fact, I am going to talk to someone who is currently on the board who knows how to deal with cats while also apologizing to the board for my own actions including leaving the bowl out.

I am actually feeling better now. If someone confronts me in the next few days, there will be an apology on my end on my part. I figured something out. While it was not okay for me to act like a head job, it was not okay on this person's part to steal a bowl. I really feel that they would have asked me to speak with them about the matter. Delivering an ultimatum like that was way out of line.

As for my loosing my cool, this is the only time I have really lost it with me neighbors. For the most part, I pretty much keep to myself and stick to my own life. When you leave a nasty ultimatum with a lack of communication, I am sorry that leaves a chain reactions and I apologize for sinking to her level. However, I did warn that if I got another threat, I would report them. Is that still messed up for standing up for myself or was that still out of line on my part?

I had other neighbors tell me that this person who did what they did to me cause ruckus with other neighbors by acting like a powerhouse and in fact voted them off the board because they evidently caused trouble several times.

You can't report them for threatening to report you. They didn't threaten you with anything illegal or dangerous. They probably thought the bowl was for a stray. Since you have been feeding the stray inside and letting him sleep inside, he's really no longer a stray. You need to go ahead and claim him and put a collar on him and probably get him fixed too. Put a collar on your cat as well so people will know it belongs to you.

Call the office and explain that someone took the bowl that you feed your own cat from and threatened to report you. Tell them that you have adopted one of the strays and it's no longer a stray and you are responsible for it, and it will be wearing a collar and you will be taking it to the vet. Mention that you overreacted as well to the office. Blame it on PMS, or just getting bad news from home, or stress from work or even a new medicine. But make sure you mention it.

If you don't want to be responsible for the stray then stop feeding him and letting him in.

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The woman up stairs who threatened me knows good and well what I was doing. She knows who this cat is since he hangs around our building that that everyone feeds him. The big tom cat is the stray and he was recently fixed but has a problem with spraying and that is why I was trying to keep it outside. Everyone else feeds the cat too and even if it's outside. I also left the tom cat outside because I didn't want him growling and hissing at the kitten who was given away by another person who owned a mama cat with a litter. However, I figured out how to handle the situation. I put the new cat into the bathroom with food and a litter box while the big one stays out in the living room to sleep and they don't bother each other.

Be quiet and follow the rules.

Being able to get away with bending the rules is based on the tolerance of other people. It's not right and it's not fair, but they base their tolerance on either personal benefit ("you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours") or personal affection ("You're my friend, so I'm going to look the other way").

If you're not buying their tolerance with some kind of acknowledged favor, and they don't like socializing with you well enough to be unwilling to risk making you mad, they're going to s**t on you.

Don't give them a reason. Either take the cat in, take it to the vet, and make it your pet that lives in your place (they will most likely establish their own little pride and quit fighting after a few weeks unless they are overcrowded or you show favoritism or try to force them to) or stop feeding it and keep your pissed-off (however justifiable it might be) to yourself.

Socially adept people can bend the rules. Socially inept people can't. It sucks, it's not right, it's not fair, it's not cool, it's not OK. But it's also not something you can change, unless you want to spend a lot of time reading Dale Carnegie and a lot of energy learning to and forcing yourself to be very, very fake.

Human nature blows. Good luck with the cats.