i feel crazy and unloveable

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this is messy but please please help and ask any questions you have.

i have always felt this competitive worthlessness without knowing why. i only came into my diagnosis at 18. i would say most of what i’ve learned about myself is that my sexuality is based on impressing others.

this can be a problem when it comes to, firstly, me not being totally aware of my sexuality. in high school i kind of substituted relationships with my friends for relationships with my teachers at the expense of hurting my mom. i went to teachers about how my mom was at home, knowingly exploiting that and feeling very guilty. i also did feel like i needed that and i guess i still do.

but nobody has ever been good enough for me, family or friends. i’ve never had mutually reciprocated friendships. either i’m in the lead or im below somebody.

anyway, when i graduated i did a fourth year to get my math and received counseling and started kinda hanging out with the counselor until it became straightforward that was weird. i was shaken up by the experience because i didn’t realize anyone could think i had a lesbian crush on my counselor.

anyway, i come home and i become absolutely obsessed with my intuitive side which had been beeping at me like a broken alarm clock and i realized i was kind of chasing power through feeling like i was being admired by these authority figures who were just doing their job. and i realized seeking out admiration came from not having a good home life and that my mom needed my support more than i needed hers. so i felt this great peace based on understanding that and was ready to start again.

however i ended up working a job and this time, fully aware of my sexuality, and this time unhinged, i became attracted to my boss. this everybody found out because when you’re autistic it’s pretty damn obvious.

this ended up with everyone going straight over my head with the situation and i felt mortified because i had felt like i has violated her in a sense and also betrayed and infantilized because i was obsessing over tarot cards and s**t, compulsively, and basically was inebriating myself by swamping my brain and was sleeping in, missing shifts. i had given my boss my sisters number when i had lost my phone. my sister and i have always had a power struggle for a relationship. and i guess when i stopped eating my boss was texting my sister and i don’t know if my family found out about this scandal or not. but on both sides of the board they both started mollycoddling me and i resent it greatly. and i think i project it but now i’m too scared to actually read anyone’s body language because i don’t want my suspicions confirmed. but it feels lonely to block out any contact with others.

i also almost feel like i put on a lot of my problems to garner the sympathy of others because i feel like otherwise i can’t get love.

i feel socially, romantically, familialy and spirituality destitute and i’m feeling like there’s too much taboo to explain and like my beliefs, intentions and emotions don’t add up and like nobody understands me. i’m struggling to maintain my friendships. i both want to die and live. but if i live i want it to be on my own terms, not at the mercy of others.

i don’t know what to do. i feel lost alone and hopeless. please help

You sound very isolated, and as if you are drowning in anxiety. The two things reinforce each other. Maybe exploring new ways of making connection with others, as friends, might be a way out of this. Do you also suffer from social anxiety? Many AS women do, and one place that it is may be possible to meet like minds could be a Meet Up for people with social anxiety. If you can make it (I know the first step/first meeting is scary, but you can push through it) you will find that there will be people with AS and social anxiety there, they know how it feels and how you will be feeling as a newcomer.

Perhaps you can think of other groups that would be a good starting place, though in my experience, this was the best and the safest.

I'm sorry, I had trouble making sense of your post. It rambled quite a bit, and also seemed to have questionable assertions as to cause-and-effect.

I think that you might be able to make better social judgments if you talked things over with a counselor. Is this possible?

I suggest this in the spirit of helpfulness, and not intending to be mean.

I am sorry you are feeling so mixed up and distressed about life. When I was your age (I hate it when people say that but that is the way it is) I could have written something similarly chaotic. I was looking for psychological reasons for the chaos, but psych, at least for me, was never enough. What made it all make sense is the aspie diagnosis. My suggestion, such as it is, is to learn more about autism and asperger's and how it affects your life. I think you may learn more about why you made the choices you did and then you can 1) forgive yourself and 2) learn how to make it better.

There are stickied threads at the top of the Women's Forums with information on resources of various kinds which you may find useful.