Are you very high-functioning?

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Spot on,Tarantell64! Yes, this is how it is, and this scenario sure is a facinating farce to read. Not so fun to be caught in the middle of. Generally, I find I know these social recipricacies, but still find it difficult to read everybodys proclaimations diffinitively. I feel myself getting impatient with the "BS" even though it is just "white lies" to spare feelings. Thankfully I can usually manage to scrape by without visibly upsetting anyone, but the game is definatly anxst provoking for me.

Similar situation. Good job, my own business. But all my adult life has been focused on trying to fit in, and not really enjoying myself.

My life can roughly be divided into the following periods:
0-10 years - Bliss
10-20 years - Dealing with a lot of bullying in school. I was mostly silent, easy target. Not good at transitioning into adulthood, meeting girls etc.
20-30 years - Mostly spending time all alone when not studying/working. Most probably PTSD from school experience, health issues like IBS and fatigue.
30-40 years - Improved health. Managed to find someone who would marry me. Good paying job but not enjoyable.
40- Trying to find other ways to work than 9-5. Exploring possibility that I have AS and/or ADD.

There are few "friendships" that I have not regretted later on, when it has been too late to back out (I'm very bad at ending toxic relationships). One guy in particular that I got to know in high school started at the same college as me and borderline harassed me. Made me withdraw from social activities.

Regularly have to speak in front of 20 people at my current job. I can fake it for a couple of minutes but then it's like I have nothing more to say. Some times I can get energized from speaking to the group, but most times (like today) I feel like a robot.

I have experimented with working on a solo project for about a year and it was a mixed bag. Creativity flourished most days but I really had to struggle to get any social interactions. That part is easier and for free on a regular job, but the latter makes me feel much more locked-in.

Also struggling with marriage, but that could be a post in its own.

I read your post and scanned some others and we all seem to have a similar thread.

Yes I am a high functioning Aspie, never knew that I was an Aspie until I was in my thirties/forties, .. and only because my sister has a son that behaves similar to me, when I was his age.

I moved from the Netherlands to Australia, found work, travelled around etc. However, I always knew I was odd, just not know what .

I have typed so much today, I dont want to talk anymore, but have a look at my other posts.

Anyhow was married - for 15 yrs and it was very hard on her and me. Now I am single and quite enjoying it. the stresses of the relationship was very painful

So yeah I am reasonable happy, have some nice online friends I can talk to, and who knows what the future holds

Great article, Jensen. This part resonates exactly.

(51): Someone who needs a lot of help but who can’
t afford to pay anyone for it and who can’t get
subsidized services for the disabled has no one to
ask but friends and relatives ... such a relationship
would demand things from me that would strain me to
death ... [yet] (10) if only someone could help
me ... I’d be able to remain in society and not only
continue working, but be even more productive ...
on the other hand, if I continue to be left to rot
away, I’ll have no choice but go to an institution
and be
an even bigger burden on society

I have felt this way most of my life. I suppose I would be considered high functioning, clinically. I was considered a "gifted" child, but did not do well with the social aspects of school. I am undiagnosed early 30's, and have known I was an aspie for only 6 months or so. I have never been able to hold down full time work, and have never had the same job for more than 1.5 years; most were much more brief than that.Granted, I have been working a field that has NEVER been good for me, just never knew before how bad it was for me. Humping the hamster wheel of extreme poverty as well. All romantic personal relationships have been an utter disaster, and my only friends are a few of 15+ years(good enough/perfect for me). I functioned much better when I was younger, it seems that my efforts to fit in and change created deep depression, horrible self esteem, and extreme anxiety. Now that I know, I am working on giving less f***s, and just being me because I like my character, and trying to fit in has been slowly destroying me my entire adult life.

I have been married for over a decade and have children. I am very happy. I have always made a point of smiling a lot and making an effort to be especially nice, even if clumsily so sometimes. I think people are much more willing to overlook social oddities if the person seems generally cheerful and well-intentioned. I make it a point to avoid people who make me feel anxious. Those who are left don't seem to mind if I want to get together only occasionally, sometimes walk off to be alone during social events, have no interest at all in popular culture, and almost never have people over. The older I get, the more I think smiling is the duct tape of the social skills toolkit.

Very, very helpful comments - thank you.


I guess the key question is, even if high-functioning enough to live reasonably normally, are you happy? Do you want to live when you wake up in the morning? Or is it just a question of surviving the day?

Sounds like:

navyPoloBlueShirt - yes (very interesting comments, about smiling and being positive - thank you. I'd need a lot of time to refuel if I did that, but might be worth trying that))
quintex - yes (interesting you have some supportive people in your background),
Wishbone - yes (after ending your relationship, now having more alone time; interesting)
kw33n - maybe a yes,

quivara - probably a no,
mike-theEE - probably a no
kyh - No (by the way I know exactly what you mean about the 11pm after everyone is asleep time! sort of heaven... except that tomorrow morning comes soon enough...)
GunsandRoses - No
Annabellelee - No


It does sound possible to get to happy. I need to get more radical. Thanks again

I used to think I was in the high-functioning side of the spectrum, but after reading some of the posts on this forum, I now think I am nothing more than a really good copy-cat.

I guess I didn't really answer the OP's question. Yes, I am very high-functioning, and most of my life I've felt like I was just getting through the day, not really living. That changed when I was with my late fiance, and for the first time, life was filled with joy. Even mundane things took on greater interest for me. Now that he's gone, I do feel I've lost the will to live. It's not that I have a death wish, it's just that I've gone back to lacking a life wish.....

I don't know why one person made such a difference. Maybe it was just that I finally found someone who helped me to align my brainwaves so that I automatically became more functional in life. Or simply that I had someone in my life for the first time to "have my back" so that I didn't feel constantly bombarded by every little thing. With him, I actually became less of a victim of my sensory issues.

I've talked extensively with my therapist about this - she has studied Asperger's, particularly in relation to patients who had dysfunctional families in early childhood, and believes it's possible that a lot of us suffer from "attachment deficit." Insufficient oxytocin (the "bonding hormone") means we have a hard time making attachments and/or form extremely strong attachments when we do manage to form one. I've been reading up on this, and while I am not yet versed enough to relate the information in what I feel is a concise and coherent fashion, I have come to believe there's something in what she says.