The Married Aspie Cafe Thread (discussion of marriage, etc.)

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I was married to a video-game obsessed misanthrope (technically an "NT", but he was highly bizarre). We lived together for 4 & 1/2 yrs. then were married for 4 & 1/2 yrs. after that. We divorced, but remain genuinely friends. Fortunately we didn't have shared debts, assets, or offspring-just 2 cats, we each kept the one we liked better. While we were together, I got pretty "into" video games & became obsessed (more or less) with a special few. I still think about the particular video games, but know I wouldn't be able to resist their lure, so I have to avoid them.
Current partner is "NT" & he has passions for cooking & origami-our shelves are full of books & magazines on those topics. My lifelong interests have been in psychology, sociology, anthropology, neurology, philosophy (and more recently, the ASD dx)-those are what most of the books on my shelves are about.

I have passed the honeymoon period on my relationship without ever getting married. Sigh. But I've decided that a relationship is really as good as the people in it, and I'm quite...volatile...so this is as good as it's ever going to get. That's okay. I've been through hell with all my former relationships, so 'okay' is fine by me.

We swore, soon after we met, that the honeymoon would never end, so by now we're in our 10th year of marriage and 11th year of honeymoon. We're both very laid-back people, so we haven't gotten around to having our first fight yet, although (both of us being computer scientists) we have wasted far too much time online. Predictable, I guess, seeing as we met on an online game, back when the Internet was all text-mode. We're both more aspie than NT, but mostly get by, so haven't gotten diagnoses for ourselves. Considering the gene combination, it's no surprise that our kid is thoroughly aspie/HFA -- a social worker once said that she thought he was "a little autistic" after spending less than 5 minutes with him.

Anyway, there's our contribution to the married aspie head count.

I've been with my hubby for 24 years and I feel like it is the only real family I've ever known. He's a pretty introverted guy with some aspie traits. We have no social life with "friends," but we do a lot of things together.

On the issue of the card, I think I would send a paper sympathy card. When in doubt, send a card as it never hurts a relationship.

Great idea for a thread!

Wow SeriousGirl, I was wondering if I held the record for 17 years married ! ! The Missus and I look back, and cen't believe it's been that long. It certainly doesn't feel like it, even though my daughter is grown and off in the Navy. We've been through sooo much, it's amazing we've stayed together.
Congrats on yer 24 years ! !

Well Prof, you know aspies don't like change.

I think ZanneMarie has been married even longer and is the record holder.

Although someitimes I wish I believed in heaven so I could always be with my partner....

Zannemarie has been married longer than 24 years ?? Judging from the pic she used for her avatar, she must have been a 'child bride' ! !! It seems we're a bit of rarity here.

Question, Professor, since I feel a theory coming on: Are you more an analytical type aspie or more emotional type aspie?

SeriousGirl, I guess I'm more the anayltical type. I don't have a test score to base that on, however. I'm not very emotional, as a matter of fact, the Missus has been commenting lately regards my 'frozen face.' Sooooo, wot's yer theory?

My theory is that the analytical type may seem cold to some, but because of our ability to control our emotions and think things through, even though it may take much longer than normal, we are more likely to succeed in long term relationships than the emotional type of aspie who seems irrational at times and melts down frequently. Just a theory.....

Verrrrrryyy interesting ! !
I rarely melt down, but when I do, it's a beaut ! !
I've learned to control my emotional responses to the Missus' various quirks. There are times I want to say something, but hold my tongue, and it turns out to be the best thing to do. She loves me, and I hold that close ...

LOL! Prof, it's just that young looking thing. Most people think I'm mid 30's. I'm 47. Contrary to popular speculation even among NTs who constantly say, "HOW OLD ARE YOU?" when they find out how long I've been married, I was married at 21. I will be married 26 years in June. We've been together 27. And no, I'm not from Tennessee and I wasn't married at 13 even though I looked like it! Now I wonder what kind of comments he used to hear about that.

Anyway, an old boyfriend of mine said he found the perfect man for me, sat next to me through our first three dates to make sure I would stay there, three weeks later my now husband moved me in with him and ten months later said we were getting married. You can't leave these decisions to me. It never would have happened. I was a little slow on the romance uptake.

He is an NT, but very analytical and logical (think someone who reads Calculus textbooks and does Algorithms for fun). He's very OCD which is fine because I don't care about the house at all. We had some real winners of sensory issues, meltdown issues and empathy issues. This was long before we knew AS existed (that was 6 months ago) or that I probably had it (2 1/2 months ago). He just stayed calm and analyzed his way through it all and he never thought I was mental or that it was all in my head. He just always says, "Don't worry. We'll figure it out and we'll get through this." It's like his mantra.

It took me longer to fall in love with him than him to fall in love with me, but I love him to death and want my ashes in the same urn with his so our atoms will always mingle. Believe it or not, he says that when he's hugging me. "I'm mingling atoms with you." LOL

But, he is very NT. He can read all the non-verbal stuff and tells me what is going on. He plays on sports teams from work and organizes them. He just doesn't expect me to go. Otherwise, we have lots of interests in common so that's probably why we work.

Oh and he's not a talker or overly emotional.

My scores are extreme in INTJ so I am very analytical. On the feeler score, I always score 0 or 1. Which basically means I'm as emotional as a rock! LOL Someone who gave me the test actually told everyone in the room that. Emotional as a rock!

I can and do get emotional about my husband, it's just not that often.

My previous was a 9-year relationship (half that time as married couple), which I'd consider long-term (since I'm aged 34).
Seems there are innumerable variables that would affect how any two individuals relate together. I'm a very irrational, emotional, hypersensitive, over-reacting sort of person. But that description could apply to several different types of people who come across as being dissimilar. I don't make ultimatums-I do make sweeping statements but as soon as I calm down I clarify my meaning. My behavior is predictable within a certain narrow range, so that makes for stability despite my mercurial moods.

I met my current companion through my previous one. My ex-husband had friends who were co-workers, I met some of them while we were married but never imagined anything. When my ex told my current that we were divorcing, my current (with the encouragement of my ex) started visiting & we became close. Now it's over 3 years later & we're still happy together. People are surprised when I explain (the history of how this happened), as if it were implausible for a man to suggest a new man for his ex-wife (in a genuine & caring way that actually succeeds !).

Dirt bothers me, but my response is to avoid cleaning-fortunately his reaction to being a bit OCD about it is actually taking care of these tasks.
I hadn't been dx'd until I was already mid-divorce, and it wouldn't have made a difference in that relationship. At least current partner knew about my dx soon after I found out, we were already involved w/each other. Neither of us really knew what the label meant, but he likes me as a person so my dx doesn't alter that. We have interpersonal difficulties, but most are not severe. We refer to (and think of) ourselves as married husband & wife, though technically we are not.

My NT boyfriend is a low-key, high-energy person. I'm dx'd AS, and am mentally "high-strung" & physically slothful/lethargic. We balance/complement one another well in that respect.

I think it is very hard to find a complimentary partner, someone who will try and understand the aspie way of thinking. Mine is very logical and I don't think I would live with someone who wasn't logical and we would have no common ground to make a connection.

When either of us get angry, it is usually very ugly, but fortunately, neither of us get angry very often because the drywall repair is a pain in the butt!

LOL We don't do that, but the on the rare occasion I get mad, I stand on the coffee table and yell at him while pointing my finger at him. It lasts a few minutes, then I go off and forget it. It's like a small volcanic eruption to avoid the big one! LOL