The Married Aspie Cafe Thread (discussion of marriage, etc.)

Post Reply New Topic

I whole heartedly agree with what you are saying. I have a special bond with my husband despite all the stuff that has gone on and still going on.

Some days Im so positive and can feel I can cope then later in the day I'm full of doubt, even despair because the loneliness. I cant bring myself to be close to him as he will within a day or so separate himself from me. I know he cant help this but its really hard....

I want to be with him for the right reason not because I feel sorry for him or just the fact we have a child. I know our 3 yr old is our first priority. Just praying I can work this out. Its driving me to despair I have anxiety attacks every day now.... There has to be an answer....

Thank you once again for your wise words .

This is what I kept telling myself, before I realized my own worth. Then the AS diagnosis, and all the weird behavior fell into place. Not unlike your husband, mine refuses to acknowledge it. So, as usual, I'm the one left working on it. I'm okay with that, for now. If we have children, this could be a real problem.

It's like AS as a diagnosis is like a big weight being lifted off. There's nothing wrong with you! You're not crazy! Then the weight comes crashing back down when you realize that this is it, that it's not going to get any better on it's own and you'll have to work so much harder at the relationship than NT/NT couples do.

Then you need to ask yourself--is it worth it? Is love enough?

oh my word ..... Your last sentence knocked the nail right on the head. Today I decided I cant go on and as soon as I admitted that to myself my anxiety left me. I havent taken a tablet all day. Now thinking I have to speak to him is stressful but Its got to be done . Thank you for your words and support. Its gonna be the toughest thing to do but so necessary.

I am so sorry, Cantora. I really feel for you. Message me any time you want. Counseling is not a bad idea, either, if you can manage it. Heck, I've been in it since 9 months into my marriage.

The thing that concerned me the most was you said he keeps money from you--that's abusive behavior and he needs to know that.

Withholding money isn't abusive. It's controlling. Either way it's just another unacceptable thing. I keep thinking about the child. I remember when I was three and four. I remember my parents fighting. I remember believing it was all my fault. Children that age are acutely aware of everything that goes on around them, and if they're in the middle of a bad situation they can be scarred for life. Cantora, do you have somewhere safe where you can go with your child while you're deciding what to do long-term?

Hi all,


It's been a while since I've been on this forum as I've been up to my eyeballs dealing with a cross-country move (from a big city to a very small town - I can't stress enough how small the town is...) trying to unpack our lives and generally get settled into a new way of life.
My husband's a critical-thinking, auto-didactic police officer and an NT while I'm a civilian working in the industrial-agriculture sector, suspecting I may have AS, while learning new tasks and writing a ton of notes...
It's been a challenging relationship to say the least, and there are days where I feel mentally and emotionally drained.

I was diagnosed last year as having a non-verbal learning disorder which answered as many questions as it raised.
....just can't shake the feeling that this diagnosis is the tip of the iceberg....anyone else felt that??

Anyway, fast forward to now, and I'm finding there are days where I'm having a tough time being that square peg fitting into a society of round holes. (Best figure of speech I can think of right now.)
I've made a couple of friends and a few acquaintances and doing things that are challenging my suspected aspie brain.

So much of what you've all written really touch on the challenges I face with my husband.
There are days when I feel I've made progress (communication is the biggie) and other days where I've totally backslid; but, this is not as bad nowadays, given that I've been given some tools to mitigate my weirdnesses.

There's a wealth of posts so I'll have to make time to check 'em out.

In the meantime, I'll keep you all posted about my journey and what answers I can get.

Greetings,

I felt exactly the same way when I was diagnosed. First, I was misdiagnosed with OCD and was given several anti-depressants to try. After realizing they were only making things worse and losing faith in the people I was speaking to, I went back, saw someone new, and was diagnosed with Aspergers.

I also feel like a square peg in a round hole. I find the only way I can successfully complete any task in society (going to the bank, grocery shopping, anything really) is to "pretend" to be normal. Quite frankly it's exhausting and I often feel fed up but I don't know what to do about it.

My husband is an NT as well. He has learned the hard way that I have good days and bad days. I know it's hard for him for me to seem like I'm doing great one day or for a couple of days and all the sudden seem to backslide. I know he gets frustrated and is often left scratching his head. I'm still trying to make him understand that this is not something that will get better over time for me. I truly feel like my Aspergers is degenerative. Luckily he is very patient with me.

Hello everyone.

I am an Aspie woman married to an NT man. I do not have a formal diagnosis. My mother first brought up Asperger's regarding both my dad and my self. Ever since, a weight has been lifted, a light turned on.

My husband does not believe me. He refuses to learn about Asperger's and has a very narrow view. He often says, "There is no way you have Asperger's because you can talk to people when we are out," or filling in something else behind, "because you can."

We have known each other for nearly 15 years and have been married for five. I think that during the first years of our acquaintance he created this person is his head that is not fully me. (Of course he did as he saw my pretending-to-be-normal-mirroring-people-around-me me and never the utterly-exhausted-in-bed-for-a-day-or-two me.) He is in denial.

The part that hurts the most is that he will sooner accept that I am "crazy" because of my meltdowns. It's as if that would be easier for him. Any time I struggle to understand and communicate my feelings to him (and fail miserably), he instantly refers me to a physiatrist. When I do see her, she accepts my Asperger's, is very understanding an compassionate, and I am fully able to eventually get it out - and not be labeled as crazy during my struggle. He and I continue to make no progress.

I don't understand and am very discouraged. Nearly everyone else in my life (a short list of people I have trusted through the years) has accepted my Asperger's self-diagnosis. They have made an effort to learn and to understand. My own husband refuses. I feel this is the beginning of the end of something that could be great. I am powerless to change his mind.

Thank you for reading.

That's awfull. I've met people who had panic attacks and I dismissed it at the time as being attention seeking.... Until I had one.
I also had a problem believing aspergers. It seemed too much like a different peronality than an actual, can I say, disability? I searched for a while and found some reports on the difference in brain activity which nailed it for me.
Does he disbelieve asd or just doesn't believe you have it?
Ii think its fairly common that people don't believe it.
Have you told him his disbelief is hurtful?

Even if they believe it they don't necessarily believe in its effects.

"Now that you know what it is you can change"

"You can make a choice not to react that way"

"Knowing that its ASD, you can find another way to do it"

Uhhhhhh... NO!

Taking the effort to truly understand each other, from what I read, seems to be one of the biggest challenges. Too often, it seems as though one or the other partner is willing to understand, but the other is not. My son is diagnosed with high functioning autism, and it's taken me years of studying and researching, to better understand him. I recently watched a clip of John and Maripat Robison talking about Acceptance and Understanding as critical to a lasting marriage. The one million dollar question becomes, How do we get the reluctant party in the relationship to buy in to understanding and accepting the other person's condition and characteristics?

My guess would be understanding what the reluctance is about. I don't think it has to be one-sided either. I still don't always understand my husband's POV, but it doesn't help when I withhold myself out of fear. I'm afraid he will see me in a disabled or broken frame of reference on a permanent basis instead of an equal partner.
Kudos to you for taking the time for your son. If he is incomprehensible to you, that might be how the entire world seems to him.

Very wise words: understanding what the reluctance is about. Thanks for sharing that advice. I'll remember it!

On the face of it, a reluctance to understand the person you are "in a relationship" is bizarre.

But if you consider that the one who avoids understanding is driven by fear or desire, then it makes more sense. Perhaps he is afraid that if he acknowledges the autistic aspect of his wife's being, he will have to deal with the logical implications. There may be things he could no longer demand if he acknowledged this aspect of her. He may want a fantasy version of her with different aspects that he would have to give up if he fully embraced her actual self.

Great points, Adamantium!

With a little trepidation and no less commitment. I realise I have said yes to an NT/Aspie relationship and will give everything I am to making this everything it already is and can be knowing that my NT mutable assets will need to be in top form where understanding is concerned. I also don't want to go it alone, why reinvent the wheel when it is already going around quite reasonably in other spheres of our bubble like worlds haha.
Ready to learn when I work out what questions to ask. This forum seemed like a good start