How to get it together

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When I'm not too depressed, I see things that I want to do with myself, and I see no way of getting there without doing things that I struggle to do everyday right now. Like eating properly, doing the dishes, showering, laundry. God knows when my mom becomes unable to shop I'll have to buy most of my own clothes, ugh. (Clothes last years/decades, and shopping is a bonding experience for us I suppose.) I'm terribly organized, I'm a slob despite thorough upbringing to not be. It's been a fall to where I am, a really hard time with depression. And seeing as I've had multiple major depressive episodes in my life, they're just going to keep coming and trying to tear me down. But throughout it I'm still going to have up moments. I feel like I'm ultradian cycling in things but I don't show many usual impulse control things because I procrastinate so much and then I can't keep a plan for the life of me anyways.

Like I wish I could work full-time at something related to my degree or become a singer in an actually profitable band or go back to school for something I like and be able to have someone else do all my dishes, laundry and make me food, clean my place once every couple weeks. I can't do restaurants at all because of my celiac disease. Is that even possible? How much would that cost do you think? Oh yes, and have someone be my personal secretary, to tell me when I have appointments and stuff every morning for me, things like therapy, haircuts, even hanging out with people.
But as it stands, just managing all those things for myself right now is like, too much boring s**t for my brain to focus on and so it doesn't and then motivation falls rapidly.

I don't remember: what did you get your degree in?

Psychology, science, honors. I don't know if I can get a reference from any prof who I did any work for anymore, as I just sort of up and quit. And it's a decade ago now, so the fact that the prof was impressed of me to the point of jealousy and praised me about it doesn't really matter. I did do some volunteering wherein I was hoping to get a job at a medical clinic for 2 years ago, but nothing besides that. I think my ex would give me a good reference and I could call myself a store manager.

I know that in Toronto there are jobs that I'm qualified for, few and far between, but I could apply. I would love to work part time but if I do then I -probably- wouldn't make enough for the commute between here and there for it to put me ahead financially; something like 60$/day for the train. I'm willing to move, but I despise moving so much and it's so tiring. I suppose I could just take a huge financial hit and hire movers and they'd box literally everything for me. In fact not living here would be good for me. I would like to stay in Ontario because I have disability in case me getting a job fails as it has every other time in my life.

And I know that I'd need coffee to keep me focussed enough for a full 8 hour day. Absolutely on that one, alas I also know it makes me rather lightheaded when combined with the antidepressant I'm on that I really should not stop taking. And I'll get addicted to coffee easily, which is NOT good because the withdrawal is sleeping all day, migraines and more moody. The LAST thing I need right now is stress that puts my emotions on edge.

Unfortunately, as I'm getting to know my own emotions, I'm seeing that what to other people are the smallest of stressors (and they might be small to me too), already raise that threshold of emotional outburst.

I've decided that although it was a nice time living at my parent's again for a month, and even though they were quite nice about it all, and even though I felt I could fit in there well, even happily, upon doing a bunch of mental health/psychological well-being reading and soul-searching with and without alcohol and weed, I think I've decided that I'm adapted to do well living with them, but not so much adapted to living on my own. My mom is controlling, my dad has picked that up from 40 years of marriage to her, and I willingly bow to their recommendations of what to do far too easily (if by easily I mean argue constantly about things), and along with that, their idea of when I will be succeeding at life. I've realized that this dependence and lack of strongly creating my own identity is what made me get married for 7 years because I desired comfort and someone to look out for me (Even though yes, I know I've been sick), and was involved in a lot of tension in my recent relationship, and...and I want to be on my own. I know this might sound strange seeing as I know I can just...go back and live with my parents, go to where my sister and family is moving to, in a city I like in general. But I won't find myself there. I have an opportunity right now that's pretty great. I have 4 years in Ontario where I'm being paid enough to live (my disability); I have 4 years of screwing up and figuring things out -essentially- without putting myself at risk. How great is that?



Oh, as to education, I basically have 1 year of undergraduate computer science also.

If it were up to me and I had infinite money I'd probably just enroll in degree after degree until I found something I loved.

At one point I even had a person I wanted to do a phd with, he studies psychology of music. I ordered his book and I've gotten only partway through it a million times; my concentration IS better these days, I should try reading it again.

I'm not afraid of going into debt really, I'm more afraid of choosing the wrong thing to go into debt FOR.

I'm mostly afraid of working and getting bored at what I do. That means working in a field where I need to use my brain, but I can still get bored from that, and also a lot of those fields require me to put money into getting the skills in order to DO that work. Like, I don't want to spend 10k on some course to find I hate the job. Because trust me, I will not stick to something I despise, I just can't do it. Unless, perhaps, I really really liked who I was working with.

Last edited by cavernio on 10 Jun 2016, 9:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I read this and I read 'this person has ADD' but I did not fit the dx enough on some crappy questionnaire and therefore did not get drugs to even try for a week. *sigh*

You know what is so interesting to me, the reason I continued reading...was because I can relate. In school, I have over 120 undergrad units completed with a 3.5 GPA, an Associate's in Multimedia, and a completed Bachelor of Arts in Digital Media Design.

It took so long to settle. It took so long to get a decent job. I don't know the path to take for disability. I know that there are requirements that most likely won't fit. I know I am capable and I HATE IT. I feel like a damn robot. I don't want to do dishes, take showers daily, or keep up with the laundry. Instead, I keep clean and find ways to minimize the work later. For example, I will wear my clothes till they stink, I will wash my feet before bed, and I will scrub the dishes the night I use them and then wash them on the weekends. It's annoying to have these domestic-type chores to do. I would rather think about what I should paint (which I find very hard to find the concentration to sit and begin) or try and develop a business plan.

Anyways, I'm here too.

Thanks for sharing, it helps me a lot.

My approach is to start doing things, don't overanalyze, and fark most feelings.

Makes sense.

Anyone know the difference between a resume and a CV and if I should make a CV for this job? https://baycrest-hospital-openhire.silk ... ardId=1112

A resume and a CV (Curriculum Vitae), as far as know, are identical.

"Resume" is used in the US, primarily; "CV" in non-American contexts and in Academia.

Yes, you should make up a resume.

It's not that difficult. There are many templates within the Internet.

Account for the gaps by saying you had to take care of a sick relatives.

I am about to cry because you all sound so much like what I am going through. We need to not take our parents' criticisms seriously or we will never be anybody -- as in, forming our own lives. Their ideal is unachievable.

Toronto is one of the most expensive cities in the world, isn't it? I wouldn't move out unless it was to somewhere else and you were absolutely sure disability and/or a job was going to keep happening. Are you playing role of caregiver? Why do you say when your mom can't shop anymore? I am in a position of being not primary caregiver but secondary "just in case." This takes a huge toll on me even though I don't have assigned responsibilities except being present, carrying things, light cleaning. It is really depressing and I have flashbacks a lot to when the sick relative bad a medical emergency and I thought they had died. It was ugly and extremely unsettling, like a crime scene.

Resumes are really hard for me. One thing that seems to have helped lately (since I figured out the CURRENT suggested format...bio/description, job list with bullets, school list with relevant coursework, summary of skills, don't say "references provided upon request" anymore because they already assume that...UGH IT TOOK SO LONG to figure these things out!! !!) is looking up "resume keyword list" and finding silly words to add in there -- "achieved," "managed," "was recognized for," "client database," "assisted customers," things that the programs sifting through resumes like to hear! Desperate, yes, but how else are you going to become a Chosen One?

I fit the diagnosis only after many other diagnoses, only to have my friends treat me like a criminal for taking ADHD meds as an adult. One even told their case manager who was disgusted and the friend thinks she is going to report my doctor because, according to my friend, if meds aren't given by every single guideline then I am a drug addict. I am personally not sure where the line is there but I feel betrayed and guilty.

Being off of them has been a lot less bad than I figured (6 months)...I can do interviews, which I had no idea I could do off meds because I had taken them for so long. I will never be competitive and always be awkward, but there is something endearing about that sometimes. Kind of like how Louis Theroux the documentarian gets the scariest prople to open up to him about their private thoughts (including a white nationalist leader, cosmetic plastic surgery getters, pro wrestlers, etc!!).
((I am still not functional, not in controlof my finances, not independent whatsoever, but still a lot better than I thought))

I just hope to be the right level of that weirdness without falling into the Uncanny Valley.

It is a shame that you are certain that is a problem for you but can't get any diagnosis for the problems you have that life circumstances don't affect.