Should an Aspie adult have children?

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I know I'm not cut out for it. I used to think maybe I wanted children, but I'm glad I didn't. I'm OK with other people's kids, but only for so long. And, the sheer responsibility of caring 100% for a growing human being scares me spitless. I'm 39 and I've just barely gotten my head round the fact that I'm capable of being responsible for my life, let alone anyone else's.

Also, there's other stuff that I don't think is necessarily Aspie at all. My mother was, as far as I know, NT but narcissistic. That's a totally different thing to have grown up with; I only even found out what it was very recently. I can guess it could easily be confused with some autistic behaviors, but there is the crucial distinction that the narcissist is aware of his/her behavior, does it intentionally, and doesn't exhibit it to everyone - just the people they know they can control and manipulate that way.

Now, I recognize that I didn't have a healthy example of what motherhood means. But, it's often the case that women automatically fall into the same mothering patterns as their own mothers, and it terrifies me to think that I could ever inflict that much pain on a child. It took me decades to realize that I was any kind of a worthy human being. Nobody should ever have their self-esteem destroyed that early by the person who gave birth to them.

Having an AS child is the one aspect of all this that would not worry me. NT kids are, after all, not always problem-free to raise! I would worry far more that I - not as AS (which is something I can and have learned to compensate for), but as someone brought up dysfunctionally - could damage a child in other, much more far-reaching ways. And I don't want to do that.

Being a parent is one of the most difficult and the most rewarding jobs there are be you NT or AS. I had all five of my kids before I was diagnosed. I may not be the best mother in the world but I have been blessed with the maternal instinct. I do tend to be better with my Autistic children than with my NT children but I suppose that is just a given. If you want kids you should have them as long as you understand that there are times when they may grate on your sensitivities and steal a lot of your precious time. I tell myself that they are only going to be with me for a short time so I do my best to enjoy them....even when it becomes difficult for me to do so. There are many times when I have to be affectionate when Im not up to it and times when I have to be social for their benefit. The majority of the time I enjoy my children and I dont regret having any of them. They are certainly my greatest acomplishment and I think they have made me a more loving, understanding person.

I have a child. I am terrible at it. I have little patience and I have to force myself to interact with him when HE wants it, not when I want it. I believe he is on the spectrum too, and is much the same way. He will physically push me away sometimes.

With that said, I also believe it would be easier if I had been prepared for it; for his ASD; with his father. I believe his father has AS too, numerous reasons. We were an animal collecting, obsession-driven, overly-sensitive, slowly-drifting apart pair, we were. We wound up being one of the 80% of couples that divorced.

Still, I think the good times make up for the bad. I don't want to influence anyones' decision without acknowledging that this was written on a bad day. Most of the time I am very positive about this. But it is not without its struggles. Childrearing is hard, and whether you have AS or not, you will need help. Make sure you have that help, in the form of a spouse, a healthy grandparent, a faith-based group, or other family.

I would like to see more parents with AS raise children. Parents with AS beget children with ASDs and I look at the posts on this site and think the world would benefit. Greatly.

Maybe the world would benefit if I had children, but I wouldn't, and nor would my children. We would have a hell of a hard time having to relate to each other. I refuse to sacrifice my quality of life, or my potential childrens' quality of life, for the good of the world at large.

Being a parent is one of the most difficult and the most rewarding jobs there are be you NT or AS.

AMEN to that ! !!

My problem was wanting to be my daughter's friend, and be entertaining instead of being a good dad. I also didn't follow through on promises. I guess I didn't do too badly though, she's in the Navy, married, and well adjusted.

I had my daughter later in life and even then she was a suprise and the best darn one Ive ever had She may have some symptoms on the spectrum, but she is very sociable and my parents enjoy taking her places which is a huge relief to me. I do worry that I won't be the best parent I would like to be as I have become very reclusive. And yes it drives my more social husband nuts and no I wasn't as unsocial as I am now when the two of us met.

I am contemplating a second Lord willing as we are close to our siblings and I think she would be a great older sister. I just like the idea she would have family besides her parents. And I hope they would be more social together which may make it easier on the children.

I've thought maybe I shouldn't have more, bcause now I'm fairly sure I'm an aspie. But isn't that being selective and prejudiced like alot of NT's are? I was a big sis to a woman with downs and I enjoyed being around her. She loved everybody and had the sweetest smile.
Are we so afraid to be different from the NT world that we refuse to have children that may create a vaccine for a deadly or painful disease, be a great leader of faith, an empathetic caring person or gifted artistic? There is so much more available nowadays to those with differing disabilities. I don't believe Aspergers went DSM till 1995? Had I know what I know now I think my life would have been less stressful and such so the child would have so many more advantages then I had growing up in the 70's and early 80's.

i can't have children, but if i were to adopt, the child would have to be somewhat older (or at least mature). i can't stand loud noises and the very presence of a baby triggers the hell out of me.

Having children is a very personal choice. There are many NTs out there who don't make good parents.

Parenting is about love. You can overcome almost anything with love. And let me tell you, when you first meet your child...you fall in love with the little creature.

No matter how frustrating things become the love for the child is enought to get you through. I was a single parent for my NT and AS sons. It was difficult, but I wouldn't have changed it for the world. I wish I could have been more patient at times. But my kids are great kids. They are affectionate and loving. They knew from an early age that I loved them unquestioningly, and never was critical. That's the key. I don't belittle them...I boost them up. I am their chief cheerleader.

So...don't let AS be the determining factor. However, if your partner does'nt want kids, you'd better be sure you don't if you want to be with her. You'll regret it if you don't and you wanted to.

I know 100% that I want to be a parent.

I got the impression that's EXACTLY why he wouldn't want kids.

Parenthood seems to make superhuman demands on NT's.
I figure, what chance would an Aspie have of meeting them.
Aspies also face much higher chances of divorce and single-parenthood - with consequent life-quality (emotional and economic) ramifications for their kids.
Aspies generally also have much smaller support networks, making parenthood even more demanding.

Kids are a very serious drain on the wallet - and I'll never have the kind of earnings potential to afford a family ... not because I'm dumb, but because of the social disability that is Asperger's.

I'm pretty sure that unless I come into some serious dough, I'll die an evolutionary cul-de-sac.
But the way I figure it, it's probably doing more of a favour to my putative descendants than putting them through the kind of experience that my life's been.

Yes, it would be easier for them than it was for me - but the cost and attendant risks are way out of my league.

This is not to say that if I had the money and the love of a good woman, I wouldn't love a family.
But I live in the real world - and I'd rather be an evolutionary cul-de-sac than face the massive risks (far greater for an Aspie than an NT) of becoming a father.

Shoot, I can barely afford to keep my own ass.

Your daughter sounds cool!

Some of what you say about your son rings bells. Some aspies have been delayed in terms of potty training and also wetting the bed. Tripping and clumsiness might be dyspraxia (or it might just be occasional regular clumsiness). And repeating stuff could be echolalia (or it could just be his way of learning words).

This is what scares me most.

I had a daughter when I was very young who is grown up now. She was diagnosed with ADHD although I think she's Aspie. I was only formally diagnosed last year. So whereas it wasn't a factor last time round, because I didn't know, the thought of having more children on the spectrum does cross my mind. I know I could cope with aspie child, but I've never even met anyone with classic autism, although I've heard how demanding it can be caring for such a child, not to mention all the gruelling battles with the authorities about access to support services, therapies and appropriate education.

I definitely want more children. But the thing that scares me most is the prospect of meeting someone, settling down, starting a family, and then my husband running away and leaving me a single mother.

My daughter's father was my first boyfriend and I was young, naive and stupid, but not so stupid that I was prepared to put up with intolerable treatment, because I wasn't. He wanted to marry me but by then I realised it was a mistake because he was actually turned into a very controlling and jealous and physically abusive person. Basically I called the police and had him removed from our apartment because of domestic violence. There were no charges or trial or anything, he was just out of my life for good. (I feel lucky about my experience though because I drew the line and swore I would never let any man hit me again or treat me so badly. I know some women can get trapped in a cycle of violence, but it's never happened to me again.)

Anyway, if I have more children, I want to have them with a man who wants to be a father and takes those responsibilities seriously. In addition to having maybe one or two biological children, if that's possible, I also want to foster and adopt. There are so many older children who are in foster care who need families.

Your childhood sounds really tough Elizabeth. I'm sorry to hear you went through all that.

I know there's all kinds of research that shows abused children are more likely to become abused parents. I guess if they've never had a good role model themselves, it can be hard for them to know what good parenting is, and what are appropriate methods of discipline and so on.

But I think it is possible to break that cycle of abuse. I truly believe it's possible for people who have been abused as children to be good parents, because they know what their parents did wrong, they know what not to do.

But of course, you're right, it's also not something for everyone. Everyone should be free to make up their own minds without any pressure from wider society about whether they should have children. I think society is becoming more accepting nowadays, I think maybe last century, a woman who didn't want to marry and have children, or a woman who wanted to marry but not have children would have faced a lot of pressure to conform to society's 'ideal'. But I don't think that's the case any more. Not having children for whatever reason (and an NT friend of mine didn't want them because she had horses which are very expensive to keep and also she and her husband liked to go on their foreign holidays) is just as valid a choice as having children.

If I ever wanted kids they would have to be physically and mentally healthy adopted children. I'm not passing on my genes to anyone!!

If I ever have children I'd just hope they would grow up to be happy, responsible and open minded. Whether they were 'normal' or AS really wouldn't be an issue because I'd like to believe that either way they would have a father who loves and cares for them and would try to support them in life to the best of my ability.

To anybody on the sight who may seriously be considering parenting a child, go for it!. Don't deny yourself (or them) potential happiness because of what difficulties YOU may have experienced in the past. Nobody gets an easy ride through life, regardless of who they are.

Knowing what not to do isn't enough. You have to know what the positive alternative is. It is very easy to avoid the mistakes your parents made, but then make other mistakes, that may be just as bad.