Confronting Alcoholic Questions

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Hello, I wasn't sure where to post this so I just put it here under Health. Hope that's correct.

My husband and I both have Asperger's. However we deal with stress very differently. I tend to have meltdowns and he tends to shut off completely. I tend to NOT like to drink, especially when stressed because I don't like the out of control feeling or clouding my thinking (I mean, I'm already clouded up with the feelings when I'm having a stress-meltdown anyway). He however is either an alcoholic or at least almost one.

He has had alcohol problems off and on since I don't even know when. We have had many discussions about it, I have given ultimatums (when I was desperate), we have even broken up over it (although that was long, long ago). He always goes on the wagon for awhile but at the 1st sign of stress he starts again; usually small and then it goes out of control quickly. He isn't a violent drunk, but that isn't the point. He doesn't act like himself, he doesn't even talk the same and it freaks me out. Also it is effecting his health. Most importantly we have children (1 toddler, 1 on the way). He hasn't been drunk like this since before our son was born, but the last couple weeks I have seen signs he is drinking again. He STINKS of it, he is often passed out/sleeping during the day (he works from home often), and I am finding glasses with wine residue around the house. I think he is hiding most of the sources. I can't find them anywhere so they must be in weird places so I won't find them (he doesn't want to worry me/ piss me off again). I don't get it because he is OBVIOUSLY wasted- he stinks of it, in fact the whole house does! Why bother hiding it? I'm obviously going to find out, I'm not 5 years old.

Anyway, my problem is I really need to nip this in the bud once and for all. I'm thinking I wait until he sobers up and then have a mellow, but serious talk about it. However I have done this before and while it works in the short term it doesn't work all the way. His problem seems to stem from work stress. When he is having a lot of it that's when he tends to drink.

I have not forbidden alcohol from our home because I feel it will only encourage him to hide it more. But what happens is he goes shopping and then says, "I got this bottle of wine. I hope that's ok." Then I tell him it's fine because I haven't had a problem with him drinking socially or having 1-2 glasses with a nice meal. However this is not what usually happens.
he usually drinks all the bottle, glass after glass, then I find him even drunker later in the morning. He obviously buys MORE than just that bottle and hides the rest. I am trying to be caring and understanding but it's pretty offensive. More importantly it's scary and worrisome. This CAN'T be good for him and he's been having health issues (blackouts, although he actually WASN'T drunk when he had the 2 he did; tension headaches, tingling in extremities, bathroom "accidents"- although that's usually when he IS drunk and it's not IN the bathroom but wherever he is passed out)

I know he needs pro help. Me telling him is obviously not enough. I just want things to be functional and I can't function when I'm freaked out or when he is totally unavailable (it's one thing to be unreachable, it's another to be wasted out of your head, unable to even take care of yourself). He is not religious at all (super Atheist, and I'm Agnostic) and like I said he's an Aspie (as am I), so going to AA/Al-anon and praying and discussing stuff with a big group of strangers sounds like a bad idea. Couples counseling? Private counseling? He has gone to counseling before for general emotional therapy (that's how he ended up finding out he has AS), so he is a "believer" in that to a point. I'm just concerned he won't be honest in the private counseling or that he won't even go.

I have looked up stuff online and it seems everyone has different advice: confront him with evidence (used to do that, but he hides it now so I can't. And besides, it didn't work), leave him (he is my family and a wonderful person, he's just sick a small fraction of the time- I want to deal with the sickness, not throw him away ), stop talking about what HE needs to do and talk about what I need to do (I don't even know what that is supposed to mean- the person talked about Al-anon and like I said I don't think that is really for me- maybe counseling?)...Anyone have any other advice for confronting him/getting help to knock this for good, maybe some that takes our Aspie nature into consideration?

Thanks for reading this.

Addicts don't change until they have no choice, and even then, they have to want to. You can't fix him. You can't change him. This is all on him to correct. This family is his to lose. Perhaps you need to make that plain to him. It's not about ultimatims. It's about 'hey, I have two children to think about, and I can't be the person I need to be when you behave this way'.

Why is he more important than you are? Than your kids are? That's enabling thinking. Honestly, based on what you provided, it sounds like you've taught him that you're just going to get angry/hurt, and all he has to do is fly straight long enough to appease you - then he can go back to his normal routine. He has no incentive to change.

Changing 'you' (versus changing him) means consider the possibility that he never stops drinking - because, in fact, you cannot control that. But you are unhappy right now. So you have to change yourself. That may mean getting counseling, sure. It may mean forbidding liquor in your home or around your children. It may mean giving him an ultimatum. It may mean choosing yourself/your kids over the alcoholic, and leaving. I don't know. But you can't sit there waiting for him to change. You have to act on the situation as it is, right now.

He needs to treat why he is drinking such as the anxiety/social phobia/depression, I found reading self help and CBT books helpful. I found the 'overcoming' series especially good
http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb_nos ... overcoming

I also find meditating and exercise helpful.

Its very hard as I think people with alcoholism have a genetic predisposition and that its is harder for them to give up than for other people and that they are likely to go onto other addictions. In my family my grand dad was an alcoholic as was my father and myself. I was motivated to stop drinking heavily as my father died of alcoholism, but if I had not experienced that i would not have had that scarey picture of my future. maybe it would help to research into deaths by alcoholism (varices, Cirrhosis of liver, strokes), my dad had about 6 strokes before he finally died when his throat varices bled to death which is a grim picture to keep in mind and be motivated. But the person has to decide themselves, so I think finding motivation for him is key, stopping the drink from being his 'only friend' to it being his enemy (who will kill him).

I found hypnotism helpful in stopping me binge eating so he might find that helpful for the drinking, I know amazon has downloadable hypnotism audio books for MP3 player and audio books

http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb_nos ... g+hypnosis

Sorry, but it does sound like he is an alcoholic.

Ultimatums don't work, my father was alcoholic - he lost his first wife and son, and my mother and I as a result of his drinking (if losing wife and kids can't pull someone out of addiction you can't take it personally, you have to accept that it's his demons to fight)...along with his home, money, health and eventually his life - the addiction is in control so as much as he may know he's harming himself and those around him, as much as he may know it's causing problems and may cost him his family, addiction wins out. Confronting doesn't help either, it just makes him more aware of what he is doing and so more ashamed.

If you're partner at least acknowledges there is a problem it is a VERY good start, but he does need some sort of professional support, it would need to be private and he would need to really participate. Other than a. telling him to go and hope that he is in a place where he can commit and really try, or b. you leaving him (which is still unlikely to make him stop, but you have to consider yourself and your family above him and his addiction), then there's not much else you can do.

Do you have a therapist of your own at all, or could you talk to his therapist for advice?
Generally I would say it would be worth you talking to professionals yourself about how to deal with it, they would be able to better advise you on what you can do to help him to help himself (remember this - he has to help himself, nothing you do will help until he's ready to do something himself...and the addiction is stopping him from doing this). If not therapists then talk to your doctor, or go to an AA meeting and ask to talk privately with the person running the group.

Sorry. There is never an easy way to deal with addiction, even less so when it's not you but a loved one who has the problem.
*hugs*

Thank you everyone for your insight and advice. I decided my best option was to leave and leave him a note telling him to call me when he was sobered up from his latest binge. I told him I loved him and our family is very important to me and that's why I had to leave right then. When he sobered up later that night we talked. I decided to skip over the emotional part (besides, I have communicated to him how scared and hurt it makes me. That is not news). Instead I went into "take care of business mode" and laid it out for him. I told him he had a problem (which is something I wouldn't admit before. I didn't want it to be true either) and that he needed to get real help, and if he didn't get it he would lose his family. In the past when I threatened that he had never admitted he had a problem, just that he would be "OK". I of course was totally enabling him and would give him all kinds of outs (he's stressed, he needs to destress somehow, "I don't know if you're an alcoholic but something is wrong," that sort of thing)

To my surprise he actually admitted it this time, he actually said he was an alcoholic. Maybe because I left and took our kids away AND I told him flat out he was an alcoholic. It's a fact, not an emotional judgmental opinion on my part. And all the evidence proves it. Once I confronted him with it he had no ammo to dispute it.

He said he knows he needs to do something but isn't sure what to do. We decided to start with counseling; we are both going to attend. He even said, before I could get to it, that alcohol should be forbidden from the house. Hopefully he stops hiding it. Good thing is I have heightened senses, because of my Autism and now my pregnancy, especially smell. I know when he's drunk, I know when he's been drinking. I can totally smell it and when he starts getting tipsy there are small changes I know to look out for (his speech changes and his eyes get red). It's going to be a long road, but we're at least taking the 1st step and I think that's good progress.

Oh, also I live near San Diego, Ca (and a lot of our family lives in LA) so maybe we can find some kind of secular AA type help. He doesn't like support groups though usually. I've tried to get him to go to one for AS and he says he doesn't like the social aspect. He does like one on one counseling (or in this case one on two) though, so we'll find someone and see how that goes.

A person is only an alcoholic if he/she believes they are. There is no clear definition of what constitutes an alcoholic and the danger is that the healthist/anti-alcohol lobby uses the term 'alcoholics' in order to denormalise people that are just heavy drinkers.

Technically, anyone who consistently drinks over the "recommended daily/weekly alcohol limits" is an alcoholic. So anyone who drinks more than one pint of premium-strength (5%) lager a day is exceeding his limits. This is ridiculous.

Congratulations, Gigi. You did something really brave and heroic -- and uncommon! In my experience, most people have nowhere near the resolve and strength it takes to do what you did. I, for one, am really, really happy for you and your family. Ya did good!

The man is not an alcholic.

He is a drunk.

Alcoholics go to meetings.

Divorce him; you deserve better.

The NHS is the envy of the world according to many leftist types here. How many countries have copied it? Not many; other European countries fund it differently and therefore often have better healthcare as a result.

I'd have no problem with the NHS if it was actually about looking after the patients. These days, it's all about cost-cutting and bureaucratic rationing. There are some fantastic people who do wonderful jobs that work in the NHS but a lot of it falls well short of the mark. There are also a lot of people who are neglectful, uncaring and abusive - stories of elderly people being left to sit in their own feces for hours on end, and so on. Politicised dogma rules in the NHS rather than the needs of patients.

Talking of cost-cutting…

…this is the sort of food that quite often gets served in NHS hospitals due to the cost-cutting that goes on.

See here (http://hospitalnotes.blogspot.com/2011/02/words-fail-me.html).

And if you complain about it, you will often be harassed and victimised. Complaining about the NHS is a big no-no and you will be shunned. It's the third-biggest state employer in the world! And because there is effectively no competition to the NHS (it being state-funded) the majority of people in this country have no real recourse if things go wrong. They can't exactly take their business elsewhere - and, even if they could, they'd be paying twice.

There's a lot of waste in the NHS, too. It would be an awful lot better without the waste and inefficiency, but there are vested interests against exposing these.

Having to wait an hour for a blood test is one of my recent ones. Oh, and a psychiatrist that denies my (long-held) Asperger's diagnosis without knowing what Asperger's is.