Depression has brutally murdered who i used to be (Triggers)

Post Reply New Topic

I'm new to this forum, as a possible aspie I've been lurking here for some time. I've seen many of you struggle with depression, anxiety and OCD. There is nothing worse than being an adult autist/aspie with depression, it's extremely difficult to find someone who understands and can give the proper treatment needed. I can't tell you how many times I've been told "You just need to work on yourself" and "Try doing something different, hang with friends, get a job" Oh, thank you SO much. Like I've not been doing any of that. I try to keep in touch with my friends but my drive for it is completely gone. I don't even feel like answering their phone calls anymore, it's so unlike who i used to be. I'm too depressed to keep a job, i'm not depressed because i don't work. I don't work because i'm too depressed. Is this really that hard to understand? These aggravating "solutions" have come from doctors even, it's a travesty that there are so many doctors/psychiatrists who are ignorant when it comes to depression. Especially in adult autists.

To explain in detail what exactly has happened to me during this time period.

Before:

Doing a hobby (gaming, drawing, music, cartoons/anime)
-Pleasure, i enjoy every second of it and i have fun.
-Excitement, i really look forward to what awaits me.
-Comfort, i feel warm, safe and in my own world

Social activity (Friends, family, events)
-Interest, i take interest in whatever subject is being discussed and i contribute to the conversation.
-Creative, i help come up with thoughts and ideas to what we are discussing.
-Laughter, i'm often very amused and i laugh.
-Talkative, i'm often the one to start a conversation, and i ask lots of questions

Outside activity (Taking a walk, shopping, driving)
-Daydreaming, i think about fun things such as being out on an adventure. Making up fiction for certain objects i happen to pass by. I pretend i'm in a fictional world.
-Inspiration, a lot of what i see outside gives me hopes and ideas of what i want to do in the future. I take design ideas from buildings and vehicles i pass by and use them in my art.

Now...

Doing a hobby (gaming, drawing, music, cartoons/anime)
-Empty, i don't feel anything positive anymore. It creates a sad chronic feeling inside me which is miserable.

Social activity (Friends, family, events)
-Apathy, i no longer care about discussing anything. I just feel bored and worn out.

Outside activity (Taking a walk, shopping, driving)
-Suicidal thoughts, i just see myself jumping in front of a car. Drowning myself, jumping off a building.

So there you have it, the person i used to be is dead. I'm a walking dead man. I've been on 5 antidepressants these last 8 months, none has worked and my depression has not lifted one bit during all this time. I've had several periods where i felt "okay", but depression quickly kicked me in the face again. Each time worse. I do not have any hopes of being able to revert to my old self again, at this point it seems extremely unlikely. I will possibly commit suicide sometime before new years eve.