Hate my life

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I'm losing my will to live. The pain from being MTF transsexual is too much. Asperger's Syndrome isn't helping, either.

I've felt strong gender dysphoria for a decade. I recently turned 31.

I've been taking hormones for 4 years, but I still look like a guy, no matter what I do. Looking in the mirror makes me cry. Meanwhile, in this same time period, transgender friends of mine have transitioned and moved on with their lives. They can do that because they pass. I'm instead stuck like this.

Other than to go to work, or viait my parents' house, I don't leave bed anymore. I don't feel like doing anything, including use my computer. I just want to lie here and cry. Or sleep, since I'd rather be asleep than feel the pain of being awake.

My parents and friends do not understand me. When I told my parents that I lie in bed all day and cry, their response was to ask me what I wanted them to do about it. When I told a friend that the Lord of the Rings movie on TV at my parents' house made me cry because I wished I were pretty like the elf women, she simply told me that I bring this on myself. Another friend says that I need to "try".

I don't get much out of my hormone doctor, shrink, and therapist, either. My shrink has me on two antidepressants, which isn't enough to get me out of bed or avoid suicidal thoughts. My therapist says I need to lower my expectations of what I can achieve looking like, but I don't control my wanting to die because I look male. It's just part of me. Then my hormone doctor doesn't know what to do, since I'm on a high dose of estrogen as it is.

I wish I would just die. My life just isn't worth anything to me.

I can't comment on anything transgender-related, it's not within the scope of my experience, but I know what wishing I was never born feels like. I felt like that a few days ago, for about 2.5 weeks. For me it's a cyclical thing, seems to occur in October. I don't know if that'[s how it is for you, but I know it's easy for people with AS to feel like we wouldn't be missed... but that's often our own distorted thinking. Even if your family doesn't understand you, they surely love you, otherwise they wouldn't feel at all.

I hope you find your will again. I hope you haven't really lost it, that this will pass, but if it doesn't, maybe you need to see a new shrink. My old shrink had me misdiagnosed and on all the wrong meds. I was suffering. My life has been much better since I got a second opinion.

What supports do you have? Do you have any within the trans community?

I don't really have much, anymore. Most of the transgender groups I've tried have made it clear that they don't want me, because I'm always depressed around them and don't seem to do anything about it.

I know that a lot of people would miss me if I were gone, but that really isn't enough for me to want to live. I've been in pain for so long that I just don't want to be suffering anymore.

I wish I believed in a god, because I'd at least be able to pray to her. My mind just doesn't work that way, though.

There was recently a study that found that the brains of those with AS were not as sexually differentiated as the brains of those without AS. The males with AS were more feminine than their NT counterparts, and the females with AS were more masculine than their NT counterparts. I hypothesize that the differences identified in the NT controls exist, not completely as a biological component of men and women, but are a result of social conditioning. Thus, I hypothesize that the near lack of differences in the brains of the subjects with AS might arise due to the fact that those with AS are somewhat immune to social and cultural influences.

That being said, I encourage anyone with gender dysphoria to ask themselves the question as to whether or not the attributes of the sex they seek to be are actually social and cultural constructs, or biological in nature.

For example, a young boy who has an affinity for "girl things" growing up, might conclude that since he likes girl clothes, and girl toys, and girl games, that he is actually a girl, however, this need not be. If no one had ever told him the things he liked were "girl things", and the concept of them being girl things did not exist in society, then he would likely never come to such a conclusion. It's interesting to note that girls who like "boy things" usually do not grow up to identify as male, but simply acknowledge that they were/are tom boys, or "boyish". But if the concept of a tom boy did not exist in our society, it's interesting to wonder if a larger fraction of these girls would eventually conclude they were actually boys.

The comedian Eddy Izzard often touches on the concept of being a "tom girl" in his skits. He has not let society define who or what he is, he has defined for society who and what he is.

Many MTF transexuals realize too late that what they were seeking was not of the physical realm...to look like a woman, but of the intangible, to have people understand who they are when who they are was not a person they, nor society had a definition for.

Most people in the world do not look like who they want. Most women are not as feminine or graceful as Natalie Portman. Most men are not as masculine as the late Pat Tillman, and there is no sense in fretting about. Just live life according to who you are on the inside. Not how you look on the outside.

For me, I want both things. I really need to be physically female in order to be happy. I like the breasts that've grown, though not as big as I'd like. I want my junk gone, replaced by a vulva. I need this in order to be able to be sexual, because I want nothing to do with sex as my body is now.

I also need to be treated like a woman. I'm probably not hyper-feminine or anything, but my needs are definitely on the feminine side. I dislike being treated as male like I am now. The female social role in our society matches me more closely.

there is a MTF transgendered person in my social group. she looks like a guy right down to the male pattern baldness and wears tacky female clothes. she has friends and is treated as female because her friends are aware that that's how she wants to be treated. these friends are part of the mental health community, so they understand the issue. perhaps you could get on some mental health boards or join NAMI.

Should you have your testicles removed, your libido might vanish. It is also not uncommon for scar tissue or nerve damage to develop after any surgery to that region, which could significantly reduce sensation.

Could you articulate the ways in which you feel you are treated as a male, and how you envision you would be treated as a female, in comparison?

Off an internet search I found this old post and it is what actually just pushed me to join this forum about an hour or two ago (even though I have visited a couple of times). As another trans person (who was diagnosed with high-functioning Autism as a child and started hormones 3 months after hitting 18, 3 years ago) I can certainly relate to your experience. People do read me as female at times but male alot as well (probably 45% female, 55% male; the percentages are pretty close) after taking to an androgynous appearance (clothing, hair, etc). Personally I know I won't be content until I can wear whatever I want and look female all the time even if I look like a hot mess, because I know being openly read (judged) as male in purely feminine clothes would be extremely painful for me emotionally and I'm also scared of physical violence (I have an avoidant personality in regards to social drama and conflict). So, I know in my future that once I can get my hands on the money I'm almost certainly going to pursue FFS (Facial Feminization Surgery). Have you considered that option? I've heard it can seriously do wonders to your passing. I think it's actually more important than the genital surgery in my case, lol.

Oh and btw I can totally relate with the feeling left out with other transfolks thing. I have found a few accepting people in the community I can relate to, but most of them seem disdainful (openly or in a discrete manner) of the way I handled my transition and how I haven't just jumped in like they have. Idk I just don't feel comfortable taking the risks and going for an imperfect transition even in the interim. I'd rather stay on the safe side in terms of transition, even if it is emotionally difficult for me (I feel like I'm in a purgatory of sorts right now or something due to this, just want to get through these next few years...).

I would need to lose a lot of weight before I could get FFS =(. It's hard to lose weight when you wish you were dead.

I didn't know FFS had a weight requirement--I thought that was only applicable to the genital surgery (28 BMI I think?). Nevertheless if it does have one take a look at my signature.



I know that seems like a trashy answer but it's an unfortunate truth. You need to live for the challenge. Let me tell you my experience.

When I graduated college 7 months ago I fell into a pretty deep depression, and I thought I would be better off dead or never being born. I still even feel the latter (wishing I was never born) in fact. I thought subconsciously that everything would get better quickly once I got out of college (as I would supposedly find it easy to get a job as 3 year Bachelor's grad and then be able to afford those procedures), but of course it didn't as job searching is so dang difficult due to the skills gap and the general lack of money flowing around the economy lately. Furthermore it dawned on me that it would still be years before I could afford all the procedures I know I need to get done to make my life better. I also still don't know if they'll be effective in the end--it really is a **** shot but I know now they are my only hope in either case.

So I essentially gave up and did next to nothing for months. This eventually resulted in my mom (despite luckily being accepting of the fact that I am trans since the beginning) kicking me out of her house. Although our relationship will never be the same due to the manner in which she kicked me out (on my 21st birthday and rather abruptly), I've been let back in as her actions got me moving again on the job hunt and what not. I've now got a throw-away nightshift job in a warehouse now (one that actually pays considerably well considering the work and the fact my mom is basically paying all my living expenses as I'm living in her place, it's currently 40 hours a week with overtime opportunities at $10/hr and eventually $15/hr with benefits once and if I stay long enough to go perm, more than my friends who currently do data entry as perms in an office (they get $12)) and I'm waiting on a expanding company near Madison, WI (a pretty dang nice city at that) to give me a response on an interview I went for recently (a little over a week ago) on site for a much better technical position paying a little over $60k at entry-level that trains for everything. They actually paid for all my expenses to travel there so it's clear they're interested in me, but that opportunity is still up in the air. They said I'd know by the end of this week though.

Whether or not I get that job I know it'll be worth it though because it was a challenge and I did my best. Furthermore, if they say no, then I'll have gotten a very nice interview experience and will be better prepared for my next one.

The way I manage this in general is by forcing myself to keep my mind on and accept the present no matter how ****** or unjust it is (the reason why I still wish I was never born, but I can't change that now) and live to conquer today's challenge. They don't say that thinking about the past brings regret and thinking about future prospects brings anxiety for no reason you know...

So long story short, you must force yourself to confront today's challenge of losing weight (even if it seems unjust) for the sake of losing weight and to get a chance at FFS; make it your topmost priority and goal. With it, you will not only get a chance at FFS, but you'll also feel better about yourself as you took action and made a difference in your life (and who likes to be overweight or obese in our society anyway, honestly?). The challenge isn't even a **** shot, if you do everything you have to do (ie: exercise alot and eat right) you WILL lose weight and have a chance to get FFS (and SRS), period.

Last edited by JessieBirdie on 17 Dec 2012, 12:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

To let you know where I'm coming from...

I've never felt like my gender but I never felt male either. Honestly -- and please bear with me when I say this because this isn't something I've really said to many people -- gender isn't really a defining part of what makes me who I am. That said, I do know what it feels like to feel like what the world sees and who you are are completely different things. It feels like this lie that you didn't choose to tell. The reason I feel that way is that no one sees me as a lesbian (they always think I'm straight) and no one sees me as the least bit on the spectrum. I'm treated like an NT, grouped with them, they consider me one of them, but in my mind and heart, I don't care about any of the things most of them do. I feel like I'm from a different world than them. When I say that out loud, it doesn't end up resulting in me finding company like myself, it ends up alienating people. It's a truly lonely place to be when you feel so apart from the world and like you fit nowhere. Having people see you for something you're not doesn't help either. In that situation, being depressed is understandable. I've suffered through severe depression for more than fifteen years and have been treated with almost every medication imaginable but none worked. I eventually found something on my own that helped a bit but, at the end of the day, it's a lot like what I've heard on TV, that people say at AA meetings: you have to take it one step at a time -- one day at a time.

Though it might feel that way, you're not alone. You not physically being what you feel you are is a more obvious version of what a lot of people feel inside -- this difference between who we are and who we feel we want to be. Having it on the outside makes you vulnerable and that's an awful position to be in because people can be so cruel. But what you see in your mind, you can get to a feeling like that. That woman you see yourself as wanting to be...someday someone will look at you and see that woman you know yourself to be because they'll love you for who you are and that's what love is.

For now, it's this long, long walk, and while it may seem endless, you don't have to look at the horizon, telling yourself: "I should be there, not here." That will just make you feel awful and like you're impossibly far from where you should be. Just remember that woman you already are and just take one step today and one tomorrow. They seem so small on their own but the fact is you can't 'poof' things into being -- as I've so unfortunately learned from being seriously depressed these more than fifteen years. But you can move a little each day -- if that's all you can muster -- and one day, no matter how far your goal was from you originally, you can get there.

The biggest thing when you're depressed and feel without hope is being able to imagine, to see yourself where you want to be. You need to dream this dream you have before you can make it. Once you've succeeded in being able to see yourself where you're happy and people see you as a woman, take a small step. If losing weight is a problem, try going vegan and getting rid of preservatives. Seriously, I have to try to put on weight and even then, it's hard. It's a strict diet to be on but it's remarkable, weight-wise. Then, find something you love to do already -- run, walk, hike, martial arts, etc. and lose yourself in it. My mother used to tell me so often when I was the most depressed: get out of your head! It's good advice because the bottom line is: it's not your fault that you weren't born in the body you believe you're meant to be in. That is not your fault at all. So, don't blame yourself for not looking like a woman. If it were your choice, you would've been born in a woman's body, right? So you did nothing wrong. The truth is, though, you sound exactly like me! Us women blame ourselves so often for things that aren't our faults. But it's important to know where our fault is and isn't. And this isn't yours.

So, I hope this helped -- at least a little. Just hang in there. I believe that you can do this. I mean, you've already done so much in seeing and accepting that you're a woman and taking the first steps towards being who you are. Some people never make it that far! I know it seems like a long journey, but let me tell you -- those long journeys...when you get to the end, you have the best view you could imagine because after such a long trip, you're not just at the best location possible, but you feel like you can conquer the world.

My gender therapist calls the opposite of that course of action (that being not taking things a step at a time) smartass syndrome with good reason (that being when you're overly intelligent and analytical, you tend to overanalyze things such as your ideal present versus your actual present). Stay in the present moment as it is with what you can do now, ignore or put aside negative thoughts and yes, go at whatever pace you can muster to eventually beat life's challenges--I should've emphasized that more with my own response.



Fully seconded...also ovo/lacto/pescavegetarian probably won't cut it, then you'll resort to pizza and egg sandwiches (like me, Ms. Ovolactovegetarian). PS: Hiking and martial arts r awesome .

Your gender therapist sounds great!

Speaking of being in the moment, DBT -- also called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy -- is usually used for people with Borderline Personality Disorder, but it has a lot of useful skills for dealing with stress, anxiety, and depression. If you look up "dbt skills" online, last time I checked, there are lots of resources out there. Some of the skills incorporate mindfulness and being in the moment, some are more behavioral...some are just odd, but they are all pretty useful. There are even social interaction skills (called interpersonal effectiveness skills) which help when you have an issue with someone, socially. So it might be a worthwhile thing to check out if anyone is interested. I've personally gained a lot from them...and they're useful no matter who you are or what you've got.



Cheese is dangerous to me...cheese and ice cream...I used to eat them almost constantly. You wouldn't believe it, though...vegan is supposed to be healthier and yet, vegan "ice cream" is all the fat and none of the protein. It's no longer a food group!

Aw, heck...real women have curves, am I right?

Also, I totally agree on hiking and martial arts! I miss martial arts so much and wish I had people to go hiking with. Climbing, too -- it may look hard but once you're on a climbing wall and start feeling like spiderwoman, it's just plain awesome.