Can someone suddenly change Asexual ?????

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I have a girlfriend who has Asperger. I am a NT. She is 28 and I am 33. We have been in a relationship for last 2 years. She recently got a new job in a differnt city, where she is really busy and always stressed. At times she forgets to even contact me for days.
Last month we had an abortion. Few days earlier she informed me that she feels that she is asexual now and hates every aspect of sex(even touching).We had avery active sexual lifeprior to it. Its a double whammy for me now. First the communication gap and now sudden change in sexual orientation.

We had an argument few days back.
I tried to express my concerns but she honestly said she is too preoccupied and needs time to adjust. Moreover, she said that she does not feel the need of a boyfriend now. I am in constant heartburn as my concerns fall on deaf ears. I have nurtered this relationship and tried to adjust to her needs. I still love her and feel that its a temporary phase. She is good human being.I asked for a temporary break in the realtionship so that does not turn toxic. We have promised each other not to contact for the next whole week.



I have a few questions:

1. Is it possible for a sudden change in sexual orientation to that extent that you start hating even a gentle touch?
2. I am perplexed. My life has been a roller coaster with her. I don't know where it is heading now ???? Pls help.

You cannot turn asexual in the middle of your life unless you have suffered from a life changing event or have chemical imbalances that affect your perception of sex. I assume more that she may just be grey ace or somewhere half way to asexuality.

It is NOT possible to turn asexual suddenly..sexual hypofunction (loss of libido) can be more due to emotional detachment with the partner( especially in case of females)....
Long distance relations usually increase sexual need b/w partners ....but in your case the opposite is taking place... so there is more to this situation than just a "medical condition". U need to reassess your relationship with her carefully and analyse her intentions more.

She might have become disinterested in you due to other preoccupations in her life n thus intimacy with u is not her priority anymore.... ((At times she forgets to even contact me for days.))

She has cut both chords with u:
emotional communication and sexual relations ((We had a very active sexual lifeprior to it. Its a double whammy for me now. First the communication gap and now sudden change in sexual orientation.))

Hence i think there is something more deep in this situation which you are not able to see fully right now.

Anyhow We would be able to come to a better conclusion if you tell us since when has your relationship with her been rocky? and how severe is her asperger condition?..
All the best

Not asexual for good but you mentioned a lot of stress and an abortion – such things can decrease one's sexual drive down to 0 or even below.

It may be clinical depression. Then she needs to cure it.
She may need emotional comfort to feel the desire. And it may be a lot of hard work to regain it.

Or she may have been masking her asexuality (female aspies are often skilled in masking their true feelings) and doesn't want to do it any more.

I don't know. Either way, she probably needs lots of emotional support now.

I disagree with the comments made in this thread. Personally I much prefer an inclusive acceptance of labels. If someone were to adopt the label of asexual, and do so based on life events rather than their biology I absolutely would accept their self labeling. If she says she's ace, then she's ace. You mention the abortion, that could have caused trauma that may make the idea of sex to be repulsive to her now. If that trauma triggered those feelings, and she says that makes her asexual then that's legit 100% Human sexuality is fluid and does sometimes change.

I do think this is more than that though. It sounds like she's trying to push you away gently. She might be having a tough time because she doesn't want to break your heart, she probably still cares about you very much, but she lacks the skillset to clearly end things... There are a lot more details that only you know though so I could be dead wrong.

I would say that someone who says they are asexual, if they don't feel sexual attraction... then that's what they are. Whether that happens suddenly, slowly over time, or if it's something they've always felt.

Infinitenull, however people who constantly change labels just for the sake of it, tend to have Munchhausen syndrome. It is one thing to be confused or curious and explore, but you cannot just lie about your sexuality based on what you feel at the moment. If you are heterosexual one moment and gay the next, then you are obviously bi. But if you just change sexuality and reinforce that sexuality is a choice when the science says otherwise, then you are easy bait for Christian evangelicals and people who promote conversion therapy.

I don't see the connection with Munchhausen, but I absolutely refuse to buy into the concept that we should be less inclusive to protect ourselves from the religious people. I will not sacrifice my belief in a person's right to identify their own feelings in order to avoid the possibility that someone else with stupid beliefs could oppress me or other people. That is allowing them to oppress us if we do that, but it's worse because we'd be playing a part in the oppression.

If someone is heterosexual one moment and gay the next... then it's obvious that they have fluid sexuality. If they choose to identify with that fluidity as a way to describe their personal experience then they should be free to do that. If they experience that fluidity but don't understand how to explain it as fluidity and instead appear to be changing their mind between their sexualities then that does not make them a bad person or a liar or even wrong. Not everyone has the mental capacity, the introspective insight, or in some cases just the proper education, to clearly explain who they are. Especially if who they are is as complex as a fluid sexuality.

I will happy advocate inclusion in all cases, including inclusion of folx who aren't as good at labeling themselves. i think their labels and identities are just as valid as anyone else's. Will they have a tougher time with the above-mentioned bigots? sure... could they provide damaging psudo-evidence for debates? perhaps... but if they find that they can express who they are and how their experience works then I would not ever call them a liar unless... there was clear evidence to show that they were lying.

For example... I'd say that it's valid to claim the following:

A person grows up, in their teens they are sexually attracted to other people. They form relationships like the one mentioned in the OP... they experience some event and declare "I am now asexual"... Then the same person later says "I am sexually attracted to human x"... If asked if they are still asexual, and they maintain that they still are and have been the whole time then one of two things is true:

they're wrong
they lied

If in that scenario you can validate that they're lying, then I'd say yeah... it's valid to call them a liar... at which point that label for them is also valid and hopefully they can find ways to live more honestly because it's much easier to live honestly than it is to live dishonestly.

You are not promoting inclusiveness, you are promoting blurry lines and destroying identities. If someone says they identify as gay but in the next moment are straight without calling themselves bi, they aren't going to be taken serious and mostly people will stop taking other gay people seriously.

And it doesn't suprise me that you fail to see how any of it coincides with Munchhausen syndrome.

In our case it's the opposite. Since having kids my husband and I have not been intimate. I've tried to leave him as I think he would be better off having a chance with someone who is able to have a physical relationship but he says he is happier with me even though I cannot.
Why did things change? Well.. could it be a little hormonal, what with pregnancy and so on? But for me it was something else too for sure - it was emotional. I always had trouble with physical intimacy, I have got major problems with trust and with losing my self-control in the presence of others. Basically, I'm terrified of people but IN PARTICULAR men.

I now begin to realise that when I was little I must have had my personal boundaries invaded. It might not have been ill-intentioned but I obviously experienced it as deeply threatening and traumatic. So much so that during sex I actually leave my body (I'm serious), I become an outside observer and my body can't feel a thing. I believe in really sensitive people that can be a reaction.

Why was it ok with my husband before we had kids? Well, it was never really ok. I was just managing...
But something else too - I think that because I'm too sensitive and suffer things that normal people don't suffer, and don't manage things that normal people can manage, it happens all too often that people think they can 'fix' me. My husband - like my mother before him - tried in a very well-meaning way to make me into a better person. Pressurize me into doing things better, being better.
I responded without even realizing I was doing it, by withdrawing from him more and more and involving myself fully in the world of our kids.
Finally recently I have had a nervous breakdown under the stress of this - the pressure, expectations. Now the kids are bigger he suggests we share a bed again. To which I respond by having a full-blown panic attack!!

Well I hope this might help you a little. I'm sorry for your situation, it must be hell.

A new job is hugely stressful but combine that with a new city and all the new others - new apartment, new roads, new doctors, new grocery/shops, etc. Phew! I would find that extremely overwhelming. Does she have anyone around in the new area that she knows well?
Add on top of all that an abortion - which may have been her choice, but choosing it and emerging from it afterwards are two very different things.
Is it possible for you to visit her with a very strict and unbreakable promise that there will be no physical contact? Would she have any reason to believe that you would pressure her into physical intimacy if you were to visit her? (There is no need to answer that question, I just think the answer needs to be considered seriously). If you were able to visit her, maybe even sleep at a nearby hotel, perhaps you could start to slowly rebuild the relationship. She may find this just adding to her stress right now - I don't know how far from each other you are, maybe just a casual meal for a weekend lunch might be a better start.
There is a chance she does not want to be in a relationship with anyone right now and there is a chance that she does not want to be in a relationship with you. It's totally understandable if you want to check out and move on but if you're interested in sticking around this may take some time, effort, and patience.
What she feels is non negotiable. She feels asexual. This may change or it may not. You might want to think about roughly how long you are able to stay in a nonsexual relationship. Do not give her ultimatums but do honestly honor your own needs.

If we all live our lives based on the ways that other people will perceive us then we are basically oppressing ourselves. If there are bigots who might use a complex sexuality scenario as an excuse to justify their bigotry that is their problem not the person with a complex sexuality. With the spread and adoption of the internet we no longer have to conform as much as we would have before because someone who has a less common experience is more able to find others that they can relate to now.

My argument is simply that it could exist, and therefore we should be accepting and consider the person who has that experience to be valid regardless of their motivation.

There are people who don't believe that asexuality exists in the first place. They think that someone like me is either afraid of the social aspect of sex, or that I must be gay and not willing to come out. Technically if I were to start to date anyone of either gender it could give evidence to either of those ignorant points of view even if I wasn't having sex with that person. They could then use that as an argument to invalidate all other asexual people. Would that keep me from accepting asexual people who date? Never. The same way that I would still accept someone whom may identify differently in their orientation throughout their lives.



Can you share with me the connection? I may just not be connecting the dots. I don't personally believe that asexuality is a mental disorder so that's why it confuses me. I might just be being too literal though, I tend to do that.

I am not connecting asexuality to Munchhausen but the constantly changing character to it. People with Munchhausen tend to take on false personalities to gain attention, feel special or in some cases to fit in to mask lack of self value. I am not too trusting of people who take on new traits for trend factor or to be different while showing a sense of grandeur.

Alternatively, people who constantly switch traits can be those soul searching or cannot make up their mind or cannot pinpoint themselves. But then, that someone should consider the in betweens. If one way worked out but they are fine with another way, they might be both or in between. If someone is in a heterosexual relationship but feels a certain aversion to sex, they may have been grey or demi all along.

I can understand that point of view I worry about the people who might not be as rational as needed to define themselves in those contexts but I see how it would be helpful to the cause if they did.

I think i do agree on what aniihyaa has to say.
You cant trust ppl who take on titles such as "asexual" "bi" "lesbian" as a matter of convenience or as a matter of a temporary phase that they're dealing with in their life... asexual is a huuuuge thing....and cant just change in a matter of days or months..... ppl in life go through hell...but it very rarely changes their sexual orientation midlife as it is a part of our Biological identity.
i have personally dealt with a man who said he had aspergers syndrome...i was in love with him because he had a charming personality, intelligent, had a good sense of humour, showed empathy to animals etc..
i believed what he said... i was in a relationship with him for 1.5 years...and let me tell u that after 10 months or so I started seeing his true colours.
the relationship was one of the most abusive i.ve been in....it left me shattered...by the time it was over i realised not only was he "faking" the asperger syndrome.. he was using it to get sympathy from ppl....he wud dominate me n get his way always by saying he had aspergers so as a partner I shud understand him n sympathise with him...
By the time it was over b/w him n me... i realised he didnot hav Asperger..
he had broken up with his previous girlfriend saying he was not sure of his sexuality and thought he could be Bisexual. He neither had Asperger nor was he a bisexual... he was a SOCIOPATH instead and those were the ONLY symptoms he matched.

So if i were to believe what infinitenull has to say about lucid sexuality and accepting ppl for whatever title they wud giv themselves at that point of time... i wud hav made a complete mess of my life.

I am no psychologist and obviously am not qualified to diagnose anybody, but your description sounds much more like a personality disorder. I have known people with undiagnosed, untreated personality disorders and I know how toxic it can be. It's very sad and unfortunate because they have to deal with the pain of the disorder and so does everyone around them. Mental health has a long way to go in finding a way to take care of these specific people, until they do my advice is to run, not walk, away from them if they're destroying your life.

I think the person you describe is munchausenish, and they are indeed a toxic individual that is not healthy to be in a relationship with. But the evidence that some people may lie about the fluidity of their orientation is not evidence to disprove that there are some who honestly experience it. I've been straight, I've been gay, and I've been asexual... depending on which point in my own history that you are looking at.

Where I think I can agree with you both, is those who do express differences in their sexual identity can be used as an argument to discredit those of us on the queer spectrum, similar to how you have just used your past experience as an argument to discredit the possibility of sexual fluidity. Since most people do jump to the kinds of conclusions that you jumped to in your situation, I would advocate for anyone with the cognitive capabilities to tread lightly and to represent themselves and those who share in their identity labels in the best way possible. One of the safer ways to do this is if we all were more accepting of the idea of "questioning" sexuality and or gender. Often society discredits folx who don't jump to one label or another and it causes them to rush into labels that then if they learn more about themselves or if their feelings change they have to change... causing the kind of backlash that you're both worried about. If we made it more accepting for people to be "questioning" I think a lot of this might be easier in general.

Anyway, just my thoughts... hopefully I'm not stirring anything more than it's already stirred. I think you both make good points!