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Is it even possible for ASD + NT relationships to work?

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saxgeek
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09 Jul 2016, 5:52 pm

Right here.

wilburforce wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
wilburforce wrote:
avlien wrote:
During the course of my current relationship, I realized that I have ASD. It was a bit of an "ah-ha!" moment, but ultimately it only labels a problem with no solution. I am a "fix-it" kind of person, so not being able to is very frustrating. The big problem happens in my relationships, when tensions are high & someone gets hurtful. For example: my fiancee had a bad day, and immediately starts criticizing me even though I have also been working all day. I know this is one of those things that humans (see:NTs) do to one another, but I just can't take any of it. It sends me (almost immediately) into a huge meltdown. I just can't take being attacked by a person who is supposed to be on the same team (if not a spouse, then who?).

I guess this raises the bigger question of "How do we deal with idiosyncrasies of the NT psyche?" such as passive-aggressive behaviour, self-sabotage, etc. I know I am about to come off as "Spock to the n-th" but all of these illogical behavior patterns are maddening. If I grew up in India, I could write a book & all the NTs would buy it. They do so many things that serve no purpose whatsoever, simply because they either assume "that's what you do" or they are parroting the (interpreted) reactions of their parents to (seemingly) similar situations. I guess maybe I need to polish up on Freudian psychology...


Equating NTs with humans (and thereby identifying the neurodiverse as not human or less human) is not cool. For a few reasons.

whats wrong with equating NTs with humans, considering they are in fact humans? Also how on earth does acknowledging that fact imply that neuroatypical individuals aren't humans? Pretty sure people of all neurotypes are human.


Because the implication is that if you specify that by referring to humans you are referring to NTs, that NTs are in fact the "standard" human, and someone who is not classified as NT is not classified as a standard human. If you don't understand why the language usage in this way makes an implication then I don't know how to explain to you how implication through language usage works. Making a point of specifying that by referring to humans one means NTs implies that NTs are more genuinely human than those not classified as NT. This is just how language works. Can someone else help explain this more clearly?

Now, I think we can all agree that both NTs and people with ASD are both humans, and neither one is more human than the other. Back to talking about relationships!



GhostsInTheWallpaper
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09 Jul 2016, 6:03 pm

Tony Atwood, I think, once claimed that the best AS/NT pairings are those in which either the NT is a little broad-autistic-phenotype (like me - I dated an Aspie for 4 years), or the NT is extra-people-oriented and wants to try to figure the AS individual out. The most classic NTs, who are in the middle ranges of cognitive and emotive empathy and people-orientation, are least likely to try to understand Aspies, unless, perhaps, they happen to be related to someone on the spectrum



Stephen__
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09 Jul 2016, 6:11 pm

The advantage of the AS/NT relationship is that the NT can do whatever they want and it's always your fault.



Sweetleaf
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09 Jul 2016, 6:30 pm

Stephen__ wrote:
The advantage of the AS/NT relationship is that the NT can do whatever they want and it's always your fault.


Not in my experience, if my boyfriend acted like that I don't think he'd still be my boyfriend.


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09 Jul 2016, 6:37 pm

avlien wrote:
I guess this raises the bigger question of "How do we deal with idiosyncrasies of the NT psyche?" such as passive-aggressive behaviour, self-sabotage, etc.


Those aren't NT traits, they're traits of dysfunctional people. My Dad, who is autistic and an abuse survivor, tends to be passive-aggressive, while my NT mother is a lot more direct. (She's also an abuse survivor, but with a very different pattern of dysfunctional family life.)

It doesn't matter whether you share the same neurotype or not. What matters is whether both partners are willing to treat their partner with respect, admit their own flaws and try to improve, and forgive their partner's mistakes. If either partner fails too badly on any of those areas, the relationship is doomed.

With my parents, they both have some patterns of dysfunctional behavior. However, they both recognize their dysfunctional behavior, and make an effort to change it, and they respect each other and forgive each other's mistakes. That's why they've stayed married for about 30 years so far, and are not likely to break up soon.



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09 Jul 2016, 6:49 pm

Jacoby wrote:
Everybody says you have to like yourself for anybody else to like you which might be true


I don't agree. My younger brother doesn't really like himself very much (he's got chronic depression) but he has several friends and a family that loves him. Only shallow people reject someone because they've got low self-esteem.

However, I do think that depression makes it harder to put yourself out there and meet someone. My brother tends to avoid situations with a lot of new people because he's afraid they'll treat him badly, and I also tend to avoid getting too close to people for fear they'll reject me. So I think a lot of the isolation trap in depression isn't that others don't want to be with a depressed person, but that the depressed person avoids other people.



QuillAlba
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09 Jul 2016, 6:57 pm

I believe it is possible for ASD+NT relationships to work.

I was in a 15 year relationship with a lovely NT woman, it failed because of me being the way I am, but it worked for a long time.
It ended last year, I've had my fill of NTs though and think if I ever get around to dating again it will probably be with an aspie or at least someone close to our wavelength.



TomS
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10 Jul 2016, 12:06 am

Stephen__ wrote:
The advantage of the AS/NT relationship is that the NT can do whatever they want and it's always your fault.


That might describe one type of person but hardly all several billion NTs.



Stephen__
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10 Jul 2016, 12:53 am

TomS wrote:
That might describe one type of person but hardly all several billion NTs.


Yeah it was a little facetious on my part. You could say I've been rather disillusioned of late.



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13 Jul 2016, 7:47 am

Alliekit wrote:
I have an NT boyfriend and am lucky that he is very understanding. I don't thing being very critical is an NT thing to be honest. Sometimes I do have meltdowns and it have taken him 2 years to understand and recognise it's not me being difficult and that it is natural. He sometimes struggles because he hates seeing me upset but does his best to help me out.

Ive definitely found that introducing them to reading material on ASD and calmly explaining your personal struggles with ASD I'd very useful. My bf knew nothing about it before he met me.

I think your right yu shouldn't be attacked by the person on the same team. If my boyfriend is grumpy and tired from work and unintentionally is critical I calmly tell him. I explain that I understand he is grumpy but it's not fair. Often he doesn't even realise he was doing it, perhaps ypur partner is the same.



I should ask if he found out by himself that you have ASD or whether you told him.



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13 Jul 2016, 8:37 am

It’s worth remembering that “neurotypicals” aren’t all the same. (Some people on here do seem to forget that!) There is an enormous psychological range in the general population. I know non-autistic people who are fully capable of meeting me halfway if I explain my point of view, and others who self-evidently will just never get it. If you’ve actually managed to get engaged to someone (nice one!), there’s a good chance you have compatible personalities despite your differences.

Still, sometimes you just have to say "Don't take it out on ME."


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Cosmomemories
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13 Jul 2016, 8:47 am

PhosphorusDecree wrote:
It’s worth remembering that “neurotypicals” aren’t all the same. (Some people on here do seem to forget that!) There is an enormous psychological range in the general population. I know non-autistic people who are fully capable of meeting me halfway if I explain my point of view, and others who self-evidently will just never get it. If you’ve actually managed to get engaged to someone (nice one!), there’s a good chance you have compatible personalities despite your differences.

Still, sometimes you just have to say "Don't take it out on ME."


Sad thing is the one I met doesnt seem to budge. I mean...she did improve by responding to text messages and not leaving me hanging around but thats the only change I see of her.

Not knowing all this info on ASD (dont know if she knows shes one herself) beforehand, I finally got annoyed after 5 months and she ended it abruptly because of that.

Miscommunication and the lack of comm kills even the most patient person. Or maybe the one I was with also has some other PD that inhibits her from talking



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13 Jul 2016, 9:03 am

Cosmomemories wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
I have an NT boyfriend and am lucky that he is very understanding. I don't thing being very critical is an NT thing to be honest. Sometimes I do have meltdowns and it have taken him 2 years to understand and recognise it's not me being difficult and that it is natural. He sometimes struggles because he hates seeing me upset but does his best to help me out.

Ive definitely found that introducing them to reading material on ASD and calmly explaining your personal struggles with ASD I'd very useful. My bf knew nothing about it before he met me.

I think your right yu shouldn't be attacked by the person on the same team. If my boyfriend is grumpy and tired from work and unintentionally is critical I calmly tell him. I explain that I understand he is grumpy but it's not fair. Often he doesn't even realise he was doing it, perhaps ypur partner is the same.



I should ask if he found out by himself that you have ASD or whether you told him.


I told him. Before he met me he didn't understand what autism was