Bf with Asperger's and my own mental health

Post Reply New Topic

So I have a lot of mental issues but anxiety is the king of the castle on this one they get so bad I need to be in hospital. My bf is kind and caring but he has no filter and unintentionally hurts me verbally he also tells his friends very personal stuff about me. Each time I confront him about it he takes it to the extreme and says he will never talk ever again. Sometimes he will trigger my anxiety knowing full well what my triggers are and make me have anxiety attacks and causing headaches.

He is almost 30 and refuses therapy/counselling and we both really want this relationship to work but i don't know if I can mentally. I think I'm too mentally damaged for him through years of trauma.

I would really love to hear how other couples with Asperger's make the relationship work and if anyone can really relate and if this relationship is worth keeping?

Not sure if it's an Asperger's thing but I also found out he neglects his dog when hes not home for a few days (3 or 4 days) he told me he just gives his dog extra food and just let's her pee and poo everywhere and no one to check in on her despite having lots of close friends and family I also noticed him pulling my cat and dogs fur/tails to the point they would hide from him when they clearly don't like it at all and have told him off numerous times but falls on deaf ears.

Below is a list of just a couple things he does

Just today he told me he is only attracted to blondes (I'm naturally dark haired), he keeps going on about how I never leave the house (I never leave through years of trauma making me agoraphobic and have severe anxiety attacks) and every time he brings it up I feel like s**t because he likes being out and around people, I was ill for a few months and he came over anyway and noticed my body hair he would comment on it saying how women shouldn't have hair on their body and tried plucking it with his fingers which hurt like hell and was very unpleasant for me and also commented on my scars and stretch marks that made me sick, called me "very loose" during sex because he kept slipping out even though I know for a fact I'm tight. He fingered me aggressively and just shoves his tongue down my throat out of no where even when I tell him I don't like it. I once asked if I could go to the gym with him once a week and get out my comfort zone and he said "no because you will lose your big boobs" Etc

I'm very sorry if I'm over sharing I dont have anyone who I can talk to about these things

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

He is abusive. It's not just about having "no filter." I would ditch him if I were you as soon as feasibly possible. You might find that your mental health will improve once you do so.

I'm sorry but this is abuse not a relationship. You need to get away from him and find someone who isn't completely twisted for your mental health. He is probably causing your anxiety to be worse.

Just because he has ASD doesn't mean he isn't someone with narcissistic personality disorder as well, you can be co-morbid. NPD people seek us out as we are easy targets to abuse because we don't understand some social cues.

Please get away from him he is one cold-hearted mf.

If someone treated one of your closest friends or family like this and they wrote everything you just wrote would you not think it's a wee bit abusive?

Do you not have family you can ask for help or something?

For the record I agree 100% with TP on this one.

EDIT I wonder if OP could file a complaint because of him pulling out her body hair?

I agree with everyone else that it would be best to break ties with him.

He is anything but kind and caring, kind and caring people don't do the sort of things you've described in this post.

On what grounds?


Cruelty and irresponsibility toward animals. Definitely not a good sign.


Doesn't bode well for the future of your relationship if you aren't both attracted to each other.


Sounds to me like a fundamental incompatibility.


Sounds thoroughly inconsiderate, to say the least.

None of this is intrinsic to autism/Asperger's. As others have pointed out in this thread, he sounds downright abusive.

What, if anything, do you LIKE about him???

There's no need to even read the things he does in your last paragraph to already know you deserve better.
You say he is kind and caring but the these things he is doing is neither nor respectful. Having Aspergers, or having dealt with trauma(among other things), is not a get out of jail free card or a excuse to accept/put up with abusive behavior from him. His refusing therapy is a clear sign that he has no intention of trying to do better or changing.

Take care of yourself first. This kind of person is only going to keep hurting you

I agree with the consensus. Based on your description, the primary problem with your boyfriend is not about autism or Asperger's, rather it's abusive behavior unrelated to autism (or at least independent of autism).

He appears to be using you as a punching bag. Normally women would not tolerate being used as a punching bag, and they would promptly separate from the man who does this, but in your case he is exploiting your severe anxiety disorder in order to have a punching bag that stays with him.


"Loose" and "tight" vaginas do not exist in the real world. Even if a woman has given birth to 10 children, this still doesn't cause a "loose vagina". No virgin has a "tight vagina" in reality (hymens exist but that's a different topic). The descriptions "loose" and "tight" were invented as insults to hurt women psychologically. They have no basis in reality.

He has Aspergers. You either accept him for his condition or reject him for it.

Whether these abusive behaviors are related to autism or not is not really the problem here.
1) He is abusive.
2) You don't have to endure all this just because he has an autistic condition.
3) You TOO have a condition.

Your difficulties and your well-being will not be able to evolve positively if you are not treated with a minimum of respect. This is really dangerous for you.
Do you have any family or friends?

The boyfriend is NOT accepting the OP thou. He's majorly pushing her to change & criticizing & insulting her for not meeting his standards. It should work both ways in a relationship. If she has to change for him then he needs to be willing to change his behavior for her. I imagine that a supportive relationship with two people who have their own issues would look something like my current relationship. Me & my gf are both on the spectrum & have various other issues. We do have our own individual triggers & sometimes unintentionally set each other off. However we both feel like cr@p afterwards & try to avoid the other's triggers when we can. We do try to help each other cope & manage things but we also both try to work on our own issues as well instead of expecting/requiring/demanding the other to change for us. As others have said, the OP's relationship is majorly abusive & it seems one-sided to me.

i assume he was the one that asked you out