Personality matters if they find you physically attractive

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blitzkrieg
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14 Feb 2024, 9:44 am

babybird wrote:

Yeah I'm probably moderately attractive and I have had a lot of interest in my life but I have so many personality issues (not autism specific) that I just become like a toy for men to use and discard of. I gave up during my 30s and resigned myself to one night stands and the like.

My bf ATM loves absolutely everything about me and it baffles me so much. I see it as irrational because I'm just not used to it.

I'd say you are a catch BB.

Your boyfriend is a lucky dude! Don't underestimate your powers of womanliness.

StrugglingFrustration
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14 Feb 2024, 4:26 pm

DuckHairback wrote:

While I don't dispute that when you first meet someone physical attractiveness is important, I'd point out three things.

The first is probably obvious, that different people find different things attractive and that we are not the best judges of our own attractiveness.

The second is that people here (maybe everywhere, I don't know), when they find themselves repeatedly rejected or passed over by those they'd like to attract, tend to assume it's their physical attractiveness that's putting people off. They rarely seem to consider that it might be their personalities that could use some work.

Thirdly, my experience has been that once I start to find someone's personality attractive, I start to find aspects of their physicality attractive also. I don't know how universal that is, but that's what happens with me.

While I believe some people find an ideal eye/hair color or nose shape, certain elements of looks, such as body fat percentage and balding are mostly objective indicators of attractiveness. No doctor says that obesity is healthier compared to being at a healthy weight. Also with hair strength, balding can make someone appear 10 years older, which is a turn off for most young women.

Personality can be a reason if it's exceptionally bad, but most of the time, people don't know your personality until weeks or months of getting to know you. If anything, a guy who has personality issues and is constantly rejected due to that would receive verbal feedback more often than on his looks; because people assume that personality is changeable whereas looks is mostly not.

TwilightPrincess
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14 Feb 2024, 5:13 pm

I don’t usually date people until I’ve known them for weeks or months at least. Building friendships first could be helpful for some.

Fnord
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14 Feb 2024, 9:37 pm

nick007 wrote:

Fnord wrote:

Either everything matters, or nothing at all.

Did you take a philosophy class?

I have, so perhaps I should clarify.

Appearance, employment, debt, dependents, family, health, personality, politics, religion, sanity, wealth, and whether or not the person even likes you make up the entire "All-or-Nothing" package.

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CockneyRebel
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15 Feb 2024, 12:28 am

I care more about someone's personality than I care about their looks.

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bee33
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15 Feb 2024, 12:46 am

There are conventional standards of beauty (think fashion models or movie stars) and then there is attractiveness, which is very individual and subjective. Just because someone doesn't look like a model, that doesn't mean that they are not attractive. If only the most beautiful people were attractive, then the majority of everyone would be single!

Mikurotoro92
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15 Feb 2024, 12:48 am

That raises the question then:

Why are they single?

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Sweetleaf
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15 Feb 2024, 1:28 am

Well I like fat guys but already found my chubby guy, and I ain't the only chubby chaser out there.

look out for your health, but you don't have to be superfit or anything to get a partner like there are still some people out there who acecept people as they are. And care more about a connection that if you look like some model or whatever.

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The_Face_of_Boo
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15 Feb 2024, 6:48 am

bee33 wrote:

Most people are not seeking for models, but most people wouldn't date someone they find ugly either.

I don't think the OP is aiming to become a model, this is a black/white thinking.

Personally, I toally agree with the OP, that was my observation as well.

MaxE
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15 Feb 2024, 8:44 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

bee33 wrote:

I think it's different for men vs. women.

Women are either attracted or they aren't. Why they are or aren't attracted may not be obvious, but like I said, they either are or aren't.

For men, there's really two thresholds. One threshold might determine whether or not the guy pursues. The second one is a deal-breaker if the woman is below it. Between the two is a gray area in which he might not have asked for a date, but would accept a date if the woman asks for it, implying she's physically attracted to him.

Fortunately for the world, those thresholds are different for different men. Some men are attracted to, or even prefer, plus-sized women, while for others that's a deal-breaker.

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TwilightPrincess
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15 Feb 2024, 9:11 am

MaxE wrote:

I think it's different for men vs. women.

Women are either attracted or they aren't. Why they are or aren't attracted may not be obvious, but like I said, they either are or aren't.

It depends on the man and woman. Taking into account individual variation, I actually doubt men and women are different at all in the way you are suggesting. It’s not something I’ve observed with myself or my female friends on or offline. Sometimes there’s not an initial attraction or spark, but after deciding to give someone a chance or building a friendship, those things develop, so it’s not always an either/or thing.

Canadian Freedom Lover
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19 Feb 2024, 10:50 pm

For myself especially as I get older, personally matters more and more. I use to say looks first then personally but now it's more the opposite. I am willing to look past a lot of things if someone is kind, accepting and respectful to me. I mean looks are a factor, I still have to find her physically attractive enough to have sex with her. If you're getting treated like dog sh*t what's the point in dating someone, really?

Minervx_2
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26 Feb 2024, 9:38 am

StrugglingFrustration wrote:

I'm focusing on losing weight and working out to improve my physique before trying my luck in dating again.

As a guy who lost 100 lbs, I suggest you do both at the same time. You can improve your diet and exercise, while still putting yourself out there and dating at the same time.

Otherwise, what may happen is that you'll get in shape, but you'll still have the lack of dating/social experience, and there will be a mismatch. Your body is an A+ and your social skills are an F.

Dating is a numbers game anyway. You may need to meet 99 people who aren't a fit to find 1 person who does. The sooner you start, the sooner you'll get it.

The obese person may have get rejected twice as much as a fit person, but the obese person who tries is still way more likely to get a girlfriend than the person who doesn't try at all.

bee33
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26 Feb 2024, 4:12 pm

Minervx_2 wrote:

Dating is a numbers game anyway. You may need to meet 99 people who aren't a fit to find 1 person who does. The sooner you start, the sooner you'll get it.

This has not been my experience at all. I am 60 years old (and a woman) and I have had two long term relationships (14 years and 15 years), one short term relationship (9 months), and I have recently met someone and we have been together for about six weeks. I have never gone on dates with strangers. I find the idea of treating my personal life as if it was a series of job interviews very off-putting. The person I'm with is a friend of friends and when I met him at a small party I knew right away that I liked him. We only spoke briefly at the party but I later sent him Facebook messages asking if he wanted to get together sometime. I suppose I could have then discovered, when we met up, that I didn't actually like him, but I didn't because I think you can just tell. (Or he could have and could still decide that he doesn't like me.) I think that thinking of your personal relationships as a numbers game is actually not conducive to getting together with someone, because you are always judging the person you are on a date with and wondering if there is someone better. It's too impersonal.

Canadian Freedom Lover
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01 Mar 2024, 12:08 am

Minervx_2 wrote:

StrugglingFrustration wrote:

I'm focusing on losing weight and working out to improve my physique before trying my luck in dating again.

This is very good advice, I above this message.

CockneyRebel
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04 Mar 2024, 1:22 pm

I care more about a person's personality than I do about their looks. Opps I've already said that. I've found that the best looking people aren't always the nicest people.

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