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What are the reasons for being single long term?

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ProfessorJohn
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28 Sep 2023, 11:46 pm

blitzkrieg wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
Mikurotoro92 wrote:
Autism absolutely plays a role!! !

It makes it harder for us to find love because most neuro-typicals don't want to give us a chance!



Most NT males are more than eager to give ND women a chance.
They see us as cute, quirky, and fallible.
That makes us a little less threatening than your average bear.

It also puts us at risk of exploitation.


I think that is true for ND females.

I am not confident that NT women often give ND males a chance at dating, however.


One thing I have never seen on these forums is an Aspie male complaining that too many women want to date him and he doesn't know how to decide between them.



TwilightPrincess
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29 Sep 2023, 12:02 am

I've not seen that happening with autistic women, either.


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Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 29 Sep 2023, 12:07 am, edited 2 times in total.

IsabellaLinton
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29 Sep 2023, 12:05 am

I was going to say the same thing.
I've never seen autistic women say that.
I haven't even seen NT women say that.


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29 Sep 2023, 2:12 am

nick007 wrote:
What worked for me was figuring out how to meet the type of person who would be willing to give me a chance & how I could better present myself to that rare person. I thought of things from kind of a business angle. I was the product, my potential partner was the customer, & I needed to figure out where & how to market myself to them. When it came to marketing myself I tried to figure out how I could benefit my potential partner, like what are my relationship strengths even if most others will not appreciate them & how could I show my potential partner that.


That's a good idea! It's kind of like I said- do hobbies you enjoy, they will show off your strengths and good qualities, and people will be attracted to them. Those are what they will see first.

Like my brother in law (who I think is autistic). He got divorced, then met someone else at work. At work he is a dynamic boss, decisive and efficient, I think his new wife fell in love with those aspects of him. She now knows of his more annoying characteristics but the first ones she saw were the attractive ones.

I suppose he was marketing himself subconsciously.


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nick007
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29 Sep 2023, 4:43 am

KitLily wrote:
nick007 wrote:
What worked for me was figuring out how to meet the type of person who would be willing to give me a chance & how I could better present myself to that rare person. I thought of things from kind of a business angle. I was the product, my potential partner was the customer, & I needed to figure out where & how to market myself to them. When it came to marketing myself I tried to figure out how I could benefit my potential partner, like what are my relationship strengths even if most others will not appreciate them & how could I show my potential partner that.


That's a good idea! It's kind of like I said- do hobbies you enjoy, they will show off your strengths and good qualities, and people will be attracted to them. Those are what they will see first.

Like my brother in law (who I think is autistic). He got divorced, then met someone else at work. At work he is a dynamic boss, decisive and efficient, I think his new wife fell in love with those aspects of him. She now knows of his more annoying characteristics but the first ones she saw were the attractive ones.

I suppose he was marketing himself subconsciously.
Perhaps one of my issues was that my hobbies were things I mostly always did by myself at home; like spending time on computer posting on forums & researching & listening to music, watching TV, & playing cartridge video-game systems. Meeting women at work never worked out for me. The offline support group I was in was mostly people a bit older than me. I either didn't know what to do in other offline environments, or there were only a few people in them, &/or they were male dominated like volunteering with Habitat For Humanity. Asking people to set me up never worked for me either thou various older people have said they'd wish their daughter or granddaughter would be interested in a guy like me instead of the types of guys they normally dated.


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KitLily
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29 Sep 2023, 6:05 am

nick007 wrote:
Perhaps one of my issues was that my hobbies were things I mostly always did by myself at home; like spending time on computer posting on forums & researching & listening to music, watching TV, & playing cartridge video-game systems. Meeting women at work never worked out for me. The offline support group I was in was mostly people a bit older than me. I either didn't know what to do in other offline environments, or there were only a few people in them, &/or they were male dominated like volunteering with Habitat For Humanity. Asking people to set me up never worked for me either thou various older people have said they'd wish their daughter or granddaughter would be interested in a guy like me instead of the types of guys they normally dated.


Yes unfortunately hobby groups are dying out. Everyone used to be in some sort of hobby group but now we've got computers, we are usually alone at home on those. Computers, TV and video games don't encourage socialising with other people.

I guess it's just like you said: we need to market ourselves. You put that very sensibly and clearly.

This could also apply to how to find friends? Good thinking!

In the past most people I know, including me, met our partners at work, but that too doesn't seem to be an option these days.

It seems despite the human race now numbering 8 billion people, more and more people are single. So I'm not sure what is going on.


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blitzkrieg
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29 Sep 2023, 7:23 am

KitLily wrote:
It seems despite the human race now numbering 8 billion people, more and more people are single. So I'm not sure what is going on.


I think it is to do with the atomisation of society and I would even go as far to say as capitalism is a core problem for communities, with capitalism only valuing the time & effort of workers for corporate profits, there is less and less time for people to put into building and maintaining communities.

Capitalism destroys community, essentially. And everybody seems hooked on capitalism, currently. Unable to shake off the masters who hoard ever increasing masses of wealth.



KitLily
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29 Sep 2023, 11:12 am

blitzkrieg wrote:
KitLily wrote:
It seems despite the human race now numbering 8 billion people, more and more people are single. So I'm not sure what is going on.


I think it is to do with the atomisation of society and I would even go as far to say as capitalism is a core problem for communities, with capitalism only valuing the time & effort of workers for corporate profits, there is less and less time for people to put into building and maintaining communities.

Capitalism destroys community, essentially. And everybody seems hooked on capitalism, currently. Unable to shake off the masters who hoard ever increasing masses of wealth.


You hit the nail on the head there. It's all Work Work Work Work. No time for play. And if someone is disabled or ill or a stay at home parent or for any other reason they aren't at work 24/7, we are not valued because we can't work. We don't 'contribute to the economy' and therefore we're worthless. We don't have a community because everyone is at work. There's no 'home community' anymore.

And of course everyone socialises online now anyway, don't we, so real life communities are disappearing.


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29 Sep 2023, 11:45 am

OP, do you have nothing to say or are you just going to post on this again next month?



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29 Sep 2023, 1:32 pm

nick007 wrote:
Asking people to set me up never worked for me either thou various older people have said they'd wish their daughter or granddaughter would be interested in a guy like me instead of the types of guys they normally dated.


That probably says something about the kind of guys women tend to be attracted to.



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29 Sep 2023, 1:35 pm

ProfessorJohn wrote:
nick007 wrote:
Asking people to set me up never worked for me either thou various older people have said they'd wish their daughter or granddaughter would be interested in a guy like me instead of the types of guys they normally dated.


That probably says something about the kind of guys women tend to be attracted to.

There’s a huge amount of variety in terms of what women are or aren’t attracted to. We all like different things.


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nick007
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29 Sep 2023, 1:39 pm

KitLily wrote:
blitzkrieg wrote:
KitLily wrote:
It seems despite the human race now numbering 8 billion people, more and more people are single. So I'm not sure what is going on.


I think it is to do with the atomisation of society and I would even go as far to say as capitalism is a core problem for communities, with capitalism only valuing the time & effort of workers for corporate profits, there is less and less time for people to put into building and maintaining communities.

Capitalism destroys community, essentially. And everybody seems hooked on capitalism, currently. Unable to shake off the masters who hoard ever increasing masses of wealth.


You hit the nail on the head there. It's all Work Work Work Work. No time for play. And if someone is disabled or ill or a stay at home parent or for any other reason they aren't at work 24/7, we are not valued because we can't work. We don't 'contribute to the economy' and therefore we're worthless. We don't have a community because everyone is at work. There's no 'home community' anymore.

And of course everyone socialises online now anyway, don't we, so real life communities are disappearing.
Well said guys. I'll add that more companies are having polices to discourage fraternization due to concerns about potential sexual harassment allegations or employees being distracted from their work. Lots of employees don't want to risk getting in trouble at their jobs or facing awkward situations working with an ex which seems confusing to me considering how lots of people don't stay long at their jobs these days.


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ProfessorJohn
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29 Sep 2023, 1:52 pm

TwilightPrincess wrote:
There’s a huge amount of variety in terms of what women are or aren’t attracted to. We all like different things.


Psychological research does show that there are some traits that seem to be found attractive by almost everyone.



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29 Sep 2023, 1:59 pm

nick007 wrote:
KitLily wrote:
blitzkrieg wrote:
KitLily wrote:
It seems despite the human race now numbering 8 billion people, more and more people are single. So I'm not sure what is going on.


I think it is to do with the atomisation of society and I would even go as far to say as capitalism is a core problem for communities, with capitalism only valuing the time & effort of workers for corporate profits, there is less and less time for people to put into building and maintaining communities.

Capitalism destroys community, essentially. And everybody seems hooked on capitalism, currently. Unable to shake off the masters who hoard ever increasing masses of wealth.


You hit the nail on the head there. It's all Work Work Work Work. No time for play. And if someone is disabled or ill or a stay at home parent or for any other reason they aren't at work 24/7, we are not valued because we can't work. We don't 'contribute to the economy' and therefore we're worthless. We don't have a community because everyone is at work. There's no 'home community' anymore.

And of course everyone socialises online now anyway, don't we, so real life communities are disappearing.
Well said guys. I'll add that more companies are having polices to discourage fraternization due to concerns about potential sexual harassment allegations or employees being distracted from their work. Lots of employees don't want to risk getting in trouble at their jobs or facing awkward situations working with an ex which seems confusing to me considering how lots of people don't stay long at their jobs these days.


When I complain how about bad things were for me I think of my brother, two years younger than me. He lost his job and career and reputation because a filthy lying girl made a false accusation against him of the worst behavior a man in his position could do. Police didn't bother questioning him; they took her word, went to his place of employment and marched him out in handcuffs in front of his son. And if my characterization of this girl triggers or unsettles people, tough crap, she was and probably still is a filthy liar. Because he was strong and his family was strong he refused to plead to anything. In his administrative proceeding with his employer the filthy lying girl testified, made a complete fool of herself, and while my brother had to resign, he kept his pension and health insurance. On the eve of trial the DA dropped the charges due in large part to the filthy lying girl perjuring herself in the administrative proceeding plus lack of evidence. Where did he did he go to get his good name which had been splashed on the front page of the newspaper back? Amazingly, he and his girlfriend, who God bless her stood by him even though she had been dating him for barely a month when this occurred, were able to open and still operate a very successful restaurant.



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29 Sep 2023, 2:04 pm

ProfessorJohn wrote:
TwilightPrincess wrote:
There’s a huge amount of variety in terms of what women are or aren’t attracted to. We all like different things.


Psychological research does show that there are some traits that seem to be found attractive by almost everyone.


Never mind. You'll never win here, friend.



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29 Sep 2023, 2:06 pm

My brother had horrible partners who married him for money and one tried to poison him. It was found in hair sample analysis. A crazy girlfriend chased my son with a hammer. I've been with my fair share of horrible men and been abused by horrible people of both genders.

When women say they don't want to date because of horrible experiences they're often judged for being cold-hearted gold diggers who are too picky in their standards. Men have every right to feel the same way if they've truly been abused.

The only thing I'd caution is that no one should blame an entire gender for what they might have experienced. I don't blame all men or all women. I hope men don't blame all women, or all men in gay cultures.

I blame sh***y people, and that's as far as it goes.

I didn't think I'd ever date again but after a nearly 18 year hiatus, I'm giving it another go.


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