what are asperger men problem

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More than just fun here and engaging in how others feel. There has to be stronger feelings involved than just "I have fun around you." There has to be feelings of "I care about you and want to be with you" involved in there as well. Once that is established, I think a relationship is likely going on.

AspieMike, thanks for clarifying. I like the way you explain things, when I have doubts.

I believe the meaning behind 'she simply needs to exist' is that women have one overwhelming advantage over men when it comes to relationships. Women are the ones to decide if the relationship happens or not. This includes any and all aspects of it, sex included.

Lets take for example the stereotype of the handsome guy and the ugly girl. The handsome guy may have a higher chance than other men in getting a girl, but he is still reliant on that girl choosing to be with him. The ugly girl on the other hand, may not have many suitors but when she does get one she is the one that decides if the relationship happens. The only way a man can be the 'decider' on if a relationship happens is if the girl is obsessively in love with him or he is very wealthy (I know I'll catch flak for this one, however you cannot deny an average looking but wealthy man is perceived as a better choice than a handsome, poor guy).

Being picky is an individual choice. However in the end its the woman's choice that determines if anything happens. That, and that alone is perhaps the reason why women with AS or any other disability do have much higher success in having relationships (even if they're bad ones) than their male counterparts.

^^^no, you are overlooking the fact that the man in your scenario is *choosing* which females he is approaching. so in fact he holds the power of choice. a female only chooses between the males who approach her, but the male has unlimited options. it's quite powerful.

Having just read a few comments. So forgive me if someone has already said this... (I am NT.. my boyfriend AS .. so he is in a relationship obviously.. my son is AS and has a girlfriend) so it is not always the case... But. For those who can't seem to get a date and why a female AS has no trouble... Typically an NT woman needs to be paid attention to. If "you" are an AS guy who doesn't do this or she perceives you are not then she won't be likely to pay attention. Typically NT men like what they can not have innitially. It is called thrill of the Chase so if the AS girl likes him but isn't obvious it makes him like her more. My son gets girls because he is attractive and looks like a bad boy which teen girls are drawn to... He is very comfortable with his quirks so he just acts like himself which keeps them on their toes but he is also affectionate. My boyfriend has learned how to "follow the rules" if you will... Until we were more comfortable. Then he was able to be more himself once he knew he had me

He chooses who he approaches. She chooses if it happens. That is my point.

Females also have unlimited options. They can 'chase' after guys the same way guys choose/chase girls. Granted, our society does not practice this in general and women are sort of expected to be chased after but they can and do go after guys.

This is why I put on my flak-vest & steel helmet and say that guys only have the ability to choose IF it happens when the girl is chasing him either because of money (malicious gold-digging or simply because he is a better alternative financially than her other suitors) or because she is very into him (aka she already decided it will happen).

I'm not saying women have it super easy. I'm merely saying that in the end the woman is the only one which has the power to decide. If she lowers her standards she still is the one deciding. A guy can only lower his standards and hope.

The money aspect is not relevant to me. If I like someone, I can support myself, *and* him, if the need arose.

Gold digging works both ways. This is the 21st century. Women are not desperately trying to find someone for pocket money. More like finding someone decent, someone with morals, and who is caring, witty and trustworthy.

Dantac, women decide at the end... but men decide at the beginning. men get to choose what the starting pool is going to be like. it may consist of only one female, or it may have hundreds of females in it. but the size of the pool and the exclusivity of it seems to have no bearing whatsoever on some WP members' interpretation of "how hard it is for an aspie male".

i decided long ago that the whole modern dating thing doesn't work for me, and i either approach the people i am interested in, or it is a mutual thing. i like the power in deciding which people are in the "pool".

I disagree that men get to choose what the starting pool is like. Women also have their own pool and it may include men who do not have them in their pool. But in the end, the one that decides if they both swim together is the woman not the man. That is the whole point of it.

My post was to refer about 'women just needing to exist' context not the how hard it is for an aspie male.





Like I said, you are the ones that get to decide if a relationship happens. I'm not arguing against any of this. How many aspie males do you think can say the very same thing? Like any NT male, they have their pools, they chase after them, etc.. but the final decision is not theirs to make.

Given the inherent socializing issues of AS I think you must agree that when you do not have the power of 'final' decision things are exponentially harder than having same said socializing issues and yet have the power to make that final decision.

Okay, after a good sleep I might be lucid enough to tackle this in a positive manner.

My sister's example certainly seems in favour that "if she's willing to put out, she can get a man" but I've known some other girls almost as repulsive that still have a hard time obtaining a man-toy. The difference between them may be that by sister's obesity let to enormous, sagging breasts that a number of men may have a fetish for, moreso than my repulsive friend's lopsided "one and two bee-sting" boobs.

I didn't like the tone of your rebuttal because it seemed to imply that if my repulsive sister gets prospects, somehow me getting prospects negated the argument because I'm just as repulsive and ugly as she is. That's the only way that argument could be true - one reason why I didn't like it.
(I'll have you know I brush my teeth and bathe daily - no blackened stinkiness here!)

Putting myself in that post was an irrelevant aside I should've just left out, it obviously just added to the general confusion around here.

You and I don't normally cross swords so it seemed odd you'd take such an aggressive stance against me when I replied to your post only moments before in full agreement!

This is interesting.
You can judge a guy's morality, attitude, intelligence and trustworthiness from only there appearance?
Really?
To me, that's prejudiced & stereotyping. Which is discrimination. You don't know anything about a guy until you date him.

What's so difficult about having an open mind? You know what, there should be a campaign for a 'just say yes' day of accepting approaches and then make an informed decision by giving the guy a chance at the very least. Because this social discrimination is vile and old fashioned, it needs to die out completely.

Hey... I like this one. This one's got a lot of merit... and how many of these bitter "forever alone" guys are stuck in that boat because they're simply not willing to risk themselves by NOT ASKING ANYONE?

To those guys (and sometimes myself!) I'll challenge them to change their mindset... if you think of asking a girl out as "no big deal", the positives far outweigh the negatives. You'll take the pressure off yourself, off of her, you'll seem like more fun which increases the chances of a yes, and if the answer is no it's not going to harm you!

Heck - I should make a new thread just for this! I'm-a gonna'!

No offence, but Aspie men are pretty bad with being open minded and will reject their fair share of women as well (some we don't realize we are rejecting). It always works both ways. I do understand where people don't have an open mind, and a friend to me last week said to me "You will get over this disease" and I rebuffed her and said "This is not a disease, it's part of who I am. Accept that."

Let's create another analogy, the job hunt.

Girls by social conditioning have always had the role of Interviewer/Employer.
Guys have always had the role of applicant.

Applicants do have the freedom to choose which employer they apply to & Employers can only interview the applicants that apply. They have no freedom in that respect.

However, because Employers have no freedom on who applies, they create there own freedom by introducing a set of criteria before granting an interview. These criteria lists go beyond the qualifications required for the job.

The applicants already know that these criteria lists exist.

Applicants have no power in the decision whether or not an interview is granted on the judgement of these criteria lists.

But they know that if they want the best possible chance of getting an interview they have to apply for hundreds of interviews irrespective of how qualified they are, even over-qualified applicants know the criteria for an interview is so strict that even an interview is an achievement.

Sadly, some applicants can see that the criteria list is so strict that the chances of being granted an interview are so small, they don't even apply in the first place, despite clearly having the qualifications to a become a model employee.

It's the same in the real world, people with Ph.D's are applying to McDonalds for a job and still get rejected.

if you don't apply for a job, there is a 100% chance you will not get it. that employer may be sitting and waiting for you to apply, but the union rules state that they cannot offer the job unless you apply first. and YOU decide which jobs you'll apply for. the power is ultimately in your hands.

Last edited by hyperlexian on 02 Dec 2012, 4:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.